positivegirly
14-05-17, 21:29
Hi everyone,
I haven't been on here for a while, I tend to try to deal with everything on my own but I get to the point where I feel I need to get everything out and I find this very therapeutic, I know you will all understand.
I have been feeling very unsettled since my last post, I have had a lot on my plate and I feel like I don't know where I am or what I'm doing most of the time. I feel as though I don't belong anywhere and it makes me really sad.
I got married six months ago to a lovely man, he literally goes above and beyond to make me happy and I love him very much. We didn't live together before the wedding and up until the wedding day we didn't have anywhere to live together, we actually found out on the wedding day we were accepted to rent the flat we live in at the moment. That was a shock for me because I had never been away from my mum and dad and I felt sad at the thought of leaving home, as I write this I cry because the flat does not feel like home at all to me, in fact I really hate it. I feel awful saying it because I know I'm lucky to have a roof over my head and a husband that tries his best to make it our home but I can't stand it there, it doesn't feel like I even live there-I feel that detached from it, it kind of feels like I go here every night after work and i sleep there but it's not where I am meant to be? I don't ever feel like I'm going home. We recently came back from a week away and my husband said "is it nice to be back in your own bed?" I actually didn't know what to say because again, it doesn't feel like mine at all, I feel like it's not really me that's there if that makes sense?
I also hate my job which is literally just around the corner from my parents house, so now not only do I hate it but I have to travel further to get there and I get stuck in awful traffic each morning and evening, sometimes it takes me over an hour to do a 30min journey. The job is stressful and I leave there with a headache most days from being so anxious about it all the time, I lay awake a lot worrying about the job and I literally cry when I think about going back after the weekend,iv been there for 8 months and I still can't get used to it, I still find it hard and I struggle every day but I know I have to keep going because I need to afford my rent.
The other big worry I have is that my husband wants a baby. What with renting a flat I feel I don't belong in and the fact I hate my job, I really don't feel ready to have a baby just yet. But I am 31, he is 34 and he keeps saying that I will never feel ready to have a baby but that we need to have one soon because it might take us a long time to fall pregnant and he does not want to be an old dad and he tells me all the time I worry too much about it and that we should just go for it because we will be fine, he says nobody can afford a baby but people just get on with it and it works out. I'm all over the place with everything and I don't know if it's such a good idea right now. We have 6 months left at the flat and I definitely don't want to stay there after that time so who knows where we will end up and that's another reason I don't want to add more urgency and stress by getting pregnant!
Sorry this is a long post, I just needed to get that all out and I would welcome anyone's advice or opinion :-)
Thanks a million
I haven't been on here for a while, I tend to try to deal with everything on my own but I get to the point where I feel I need to get everything out and I find this very therapeutic, I know you will all understand.
I have been feeling very unsettled since my last post, I have had a lot on my plate and I feel like I don't know where I am or what I'm doing most of the time. I feel as though I don't belong anywhere and it makes me really sad.
I got married six months ago to a lovely man, he literally goes above and beyond to make me happy and I love him very much. We didn't live together before the wedding and up until the wedding day we didn't have anywhere to live together, we actually found out on the wedding day we were accepted to rent the flat we live in at the moment. That was a shock for me because I had never been away from my mum and dad and I felt sad at the thought of leaving home, as I write this I cry because the flat does not feel like home at all to me, in fact I really hate it. I feel awful saying it because I know I'm lucky to have a roof over my head and a husband that tries his best to make it our home but I can't stand it there, it doesn't feel like I even live there-I feel that detached from it, it kind of feels like I go here every night after work and i sleep there but it's not where I am meant to be? I don't ever feel like I'm going home. We recently came back from a week away and my husband said "is it nice to be back in your own bed?" I actually didn't know what to say because again, it doesn't feel like mine at all, I feel like it's not really me that's there if that makes sense?
I also hate my job which is literally just around the corner from my parents house, so now not only do I hate it but I have to travel further to get there and I get stuck in awful traffic each morning and evening, sometimes it takes me over an hour to do a 30min journey. The job is stressful and I leave there with a headache most days from being so anxious about it all the time, I lay awake a lot worrying about the job and I literally cry when I think about going back after the weekend,iv been there for 8 months and I still can't get used to it, I still find it hard and I struggle every day but I know I have to keep going because I need to afford my rent.
The other big worry I have is that my husband wants a baby. What with renting a flat I feel I don't belong in and the fact I hate my job, I really don't feel ready to have a baby just yet. But I am 31, he is 34 and he keeps saying that I will never feel ready to have a baby but that we need to have one soon because it might take us a long time to fall pregnant and he does not want to be an old dad and he tells me all the time I worry too much about it and that we should just go for it because we will be fine, he says nobody can afford a baby but people just get on with it and it works out. I'm all over the place with everything and I don't know if it's such a good idea right now. We have 6 months left at the flat and I definitely don't want to stay there after that time so who knows where we will end up and that's another reason I don't want to add more urgency and stress by getting pregnant!
Sorry this is a long post, I just needed to get that all out and I would welcome anyone's advice or opinion :-)
Thanks a million