View Full Version : My Anxiety is going to ruin my relationship. Please help
MariMari19
16-05-17, 05:47
For Starters: I am a 19 year old F, my boyfriend is a 21 year old male. I live in the US he lives in the UK.
Well, Ill just write as I feel. me and him have been in this relationship for a year and a half now, and never in my wildest dreams did I think it would come to this.
Because I have the "Catastrophizing" type of anxiety, my I will have a normal fear and blow it up so its so much worse than it actually is. For example (this has a point) : There is a chance I might have cancer, everyone has a fear of possibly having cancer, but someone could find a lump in their body and go "hmm oh well its probably nothing ill check again next month to see if it goes away". Normal people can cope with the fact that there is a chance of them getting the disease, but its so small that they just don't worry obsessively about it. But I do. I obsess about things.
This time around though its not cancer or failing out of college, its cheating on my LDR boyfriend. I know this sounds insane, because well, cheating is a conscious action, well Im afraid that because there is the possibility I can (you know we hear it all the time, "I was drunk, I don't know what I was thinking" "I was just lonely i don't know what happened") I will somehow someway. Even though I love my boyfriend and we have plans to move in together, and get married and possibly travel and start a family, and obviously I don't want to throw this away, I STILL worry that somehow in a blind passion I will cheat somehow.
Correct me if Im wrong, but i think most people especially in LDR, can look at lets say another guy and wonder "i wonder what it feels like to cuddle with him or maybe date him" or we look at other couples and think "man why cant I have that" but its just kind of a fleeting thought and at the end you just say "nah" These thoughts terrify me though. Today I had a weird thought of "Hmm would sex with this guy feel good?" and its just like a fantasy or something, I know I would never act on it, but here is when anxiety comes along asking "would you?" I feel like it would be a gateway drug into cheating if that makes sense.
Im so TERRIFIED, of somehow not being able to control myself or something, and cheating on my boyfriend, Im TERRIFIED of these thought that maybe are normal? I don't even know anymore! These fears and hate towards these thoughts are clouding my relationship to the point that every time I see my SO on Skype I feel like Im not really there in the moment with him because Im worried, I even started to push him away in some sort of self sabotage, because my anxiety thinks "Better make some space now because you're gonna blow it by cheating" ITS INSANE
I had a talk with him today and expressed myself bad at first, and I think he got the wrong idea. He said "if you have those thought then surely some part f you must want to cheat" which I don't think is accurate. I think my self sabotaging anxiety part of me wants to because thats how that side of me is, but my true self, of course does not want that. I let anxiety get the best of me and ended up saying something I regret: "maybe we aren't meant to be" ... I said it because of fear and anger (for him saying "no you cant cry about this ( i was crying) i wont feel sympathy for you") It was dumb of me. I tried to fix it and although he says everything is ok now, I feel there is this stain in our relationship now.
Has anyone else had thought like this? Im so scared, is this the person Ive become or something? Any tips?
Ive had some good advise like "don't put yourself in situations where cheating is possible if you're afraid"
Thank you for reading, sorry for the length
Hi there
LDR is not easy and both sides have the opportunity to cheat.
This advice may sound cranky, but stop tensely holding onto yourself and let yourself cheat if you want to.
IMO age 19 is too early to think about settling down.
akb
MariMari19
16-05-17, 08:07
Hi there
This advice may sound cranky, but stop tensely holding onto yourself and let yourself cheat if you want to.
akb
Thats the problem. I don't want to cheat. Its literally the last thing I want to do. There is no other person, no nothing. I don't want it.
My fear is I wont be able to somehow stop myself if the situation arises or something like that, like anxiety has made it so i cant even trust myself and its super frustrating
Billyboy1019
16-05-17, 09:11
Have you met your partner???
Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk
MariMari19
16-05-17, 09:48
Have you met your partner???
Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk
Yes! Twise
Hi there
LDR is not easy and both sides have the opportunity to cheat.
This advice may sound cranky, but stop tensely holding onto yourself and let yourself cheat if you want to.
IMO age 19 is too early to think about settling down.
akb
Cheating is never OK in my opinion. If you are going to cheat, then do the right thing and end your relationship.
I personally wouldn't have a long distance relationship. A relationship without the physical aspect is just pointless in my opinion.
Hi there
LDR is not easy and both sides have the opportunity to cheat.
This advice may sound cranky, but stop tensely holding onto yourself and let yourself cheat if you want to.
IMO age 19 is too early to think about settling down.
akbAhh there is always one! Yep it does sound very cranky sorry but there it's for those of you who have a relationship stick with it and when problems arise talk it through :) I am unlucky with relationships, but if I ever do get one I will NEVER Cheat, no wonder the worlds in a mess:weep:
---------- Post added at 11:31 ---------- Previous post was at 11:25 ----------
Thats the problem. I don't want to cheat. Its literally the last thing I want to do. There is no other person, no nothing. I don't want it.
My fear is I wont be able to somehow stop myself if the situation arises or something like that, like anxiety has made it so i cant even trust myself and its super frustrating Exactly and total respect to you :) Like KeeKee says it's rather a long distance relationship and I am not saying it cant/wont work I hope it does!! Glad you have met twice did it go well? Try and not put your self in any situation where temptation is high don't get drunk to the point where you don't know what's going on around you as not only is it stupid, but down right dangerous too :) And Good luck hun xx Cheers
This advice may sound cranky, but stop tensely holding onto yourself and let yourself cheat if you want to.
With respect, what kind of "advice" is that? Having been on the receiving end of infidelity, it's a hurt that goes deeper beyond what you can imagine hurt could be. Male or female, if you're not happy and feel compelled to be with someone else, end the relationship, become "single" again and then it's not cheating. Ending a relationship is never easy and yes, it's painful, but far less painful than being on the receiving end of infidelity!
OP, you're very young. One day at a time. Follow your heart and do the right thing for you and your LDR.
Positive thoughts
This advice is based on scientifically approved exposure theory. For example, if your afraid of cats, you might start with a picture of a cat and eventuallx get round to touching a real one. The fear will gradually dissipate.
In the same way, cheating might actually improve her anxiety in the long run. If the choice is decreased anxiety for a one night stand, Id chose the decreased anxiety any day.
Only problem is that it might not work ��
For us older folk here, how many decided on marriage after just two meetings? Not trying to torpedo the OPs dreams, but I find it all kinda cranky ��
This advice is based on scientifically approved exposure theory. For example, if your afraid of cats, you might start with a picture of a cat and eventuallx get round to touching a real one. The fear will gradually dissipate.
In the same way, cheating might actually improve her anxiety in the long run. If the choice is decreased anxiety for a one night stand, Id chose the decreased anxiety any day.
Only problem is that it might not work ��
For us older folk here, how many decided on marriage after just two meetings? Not trying to torpedo the OPs dreams, but I find it all kinda cranky �� Ok but the OP is not scared of her current relationship she seem happy enough with her LDR, Yeah mention of marriage etc sure but from what I see it's not going to happen next week or in the next few months, think the OP is taking their time on this, which can only be a good thing IMHO And don't think in the OP's case it is a one night stand either. And cheating can only lead to either party getting hurt or both so not good atall. Cheers
These are intrusive thoughts that you are focusing on. It's common with anxiety to have distressing thoughts. They are also very confusing as they tend to bring up something that you would never do; in this case it is cheating.
Edit: Exposure therapy is a strange thing to suggest in this case.
This advice is based on scientifically approved exposure theory. For example, if your afraid of cats, you might start with a picture of a cat and eventuallx get round to touching a real one. The fear will gradually dissipate.
In the same way, cheating might actually improve her anxiety in the long run. If the choice is decreased anxiety for a one night stand, Id chose the decreased anxiety any day.
Only problem is that it might not work ��
For us older folk here, how many decided on marriage after just two meetings? Not trying to torpedo the OPs dreams, but I find it all kinda cranky ��
That's like saying have unprotected sexual encounters to get over your fear of STDs or take up smoking to get over your fear of cancer. I don't think you'll find that in the exposure therapy bag of tricks.
There's avoidance that is detrimental to overcoming fears (like you cat example) and there's common sense avoidance that's purely common sense, logical and done so as an actual preventative health measure. Having an affair to overcome the fear of cheating is frankly ludicrous!
A LDR is difficult even under the best circumstances. I'm sure it's even more difficult for someone so young.
Positive thoughts
MariMari19
17-05-17, 10:56
This advice is based on scientifically approved exposure theory. For example, if your afraid of cats, you might start with a picture of a cat and eventuallx get round to touching a real one. The fear will gradually dissipate.
In the same way, cheating might actually improve her anxiety in the long run. If the choice is decreased anxiety for a one night stand, Id chose the decreased anxiety any day.
Only problem is that it might not work ��
For us older folk here, how many decided on marriage after just two meetings? Not trying to torpedo the OPs dreams, but I find it all kinda cranky ��
This makes zero sense to me.
Im afraid of cheating because the last thing on this earth that I wanna do is hurt my boyfriend, which I would do by cheating.
Youre not getting the point. I.don't.want. a. one.night.stand.or.to cheat. Not because Im afraid of it but because I don't want to do it
Everyone can cheat sure, we can all go out right now and cheat. But we dont do it because we care about our loved ones. Because the last thing we do is want to hurt them.
I think you misconstrued the question. i guess a more charitable statement would be that I am afraid of HURTING my boyfriend. and Hurting him (and because I have a catasptophizing anxiety, as in for most people hurting their SO would mean saying something mean or something but whereas my brain jumps to extremes I think cheating) would mean cheating.
You cant always base your conclusions on science, especially when it comes to relationships, if humans worked that way we would have breeding wards and males would be discarded as soon as they passed on their genes. Obviously we come to a conclusion about love and life in general though a logical and, dare a say, philosophical and introspective view.
---------- Post added at 04:51 ---------- Previous post was at 04:42 ----------
These are intrusive thoughts that you are focusing on. It's common with anxiety to have distressing thoughts. They are also very confusing as they tend to bring up something that you would never do; in this case it is cheating.
Edit: Exposure therapy is a strange thing to suggest in this case.
Yeah, its so difficult, I talked to him about it today and he understood my fear better.
But oh do anxious minds love to be anxious. and as soon as I felt a bit calm and like I had moved on I asked "do I still love him?"
Ugh, and its all because, Ive been so stressed with school and this, Ive been crying for an entire week from stress, and today on Skype, I think i disassociated because, I just felt like I was going though notions and Ive been so bland about everything. I think I need to chill out. I even feel dizzy.
Anxiety is exhausting.
---------- Post added at 04:56 ---------- Previous post was at 04:51 ----------
Ahh there is always one! Yep it does sound very cranky sorry but there it's for those of you who have a relationship stick with it and when problems arise talk it through :) I am unlucky with relationships, but if I ever do get one I will NEVER Cheat, no wonder the worlds in a mess:weep:
---------- Post added at 11:31 ---------- Previous post was at 11:25 ----------
Exactly and total respect to you :) Like KeeKee says it's rather a long distance relationship and I am not saying it cant/wont work I hope it does!! Glad you have met twice did it go well? Try and not put your self in any situation where temptation is high don't get drunk to the point where you don't know what's going on around you as not only is it stupid, but down right dangerous too :) And Good luck hun xx Cheers
I hope it does too, Im struggling not with the distance but with my fears, about myself. We talked about it over skype and he reassured me. I didn't cheat I wont cheat, my fear is irrational, of course Im still caught in the web of "what if" which is frustrating. I have moments when I say, man this was stupid of course you wont cheat then go to .. but how do you know that?
UGH
And of course as soon as I felt an inch of relief after we talked my mind kinda, broke I guess and I felt like the entire time after that, I was just going though the notions of our relationship. Which now Im wondering "do you still love him?" this is getting ridiculous. I think its just because Ive been so stressed. I had final exams and the day I was done, these problems started. I think i need a break
But thank you :D
This makes zero sense to me.
Im afraid of cheating because the last thing on this earth that I wanna do is hurt my boyfriend, which I would do by cheating.
Youre not getting the point. I.don't.want. a. one.night.stand.or.to cheat. Not because Im afraid of it but because I don't want to do it
Everyone can cheat sure, we can all go out right now and cheat. But we dont do it because we care about our loved ones. Because the last thing we do is want to hurt them.
I think you misconstrued the question. i guess a more charitable statement would be that I am afraid of HURTING my boyfriend. and Hurting him (and because I have a catasptophizing anxiety, as in for most people hurting their SO would mean saying something mean or something but whereas my brain jumps to extremes I think cheating) would mean cheating.
You cant always base your conclusions on science, especially when it comes to relationships, if humans worked that way we would have breeding wards and males would be discarded as soon as they passed on their genes. Obviously we come to a conclusion about love and life in general though a logical and, dare a say, philosophical and introspective view.
---------- Post added at 04:51 ---------- Previous post was at 04:42 ----------
Yeah, its so difficult, I talked to him about it today and he understood my fear better.
But oh do anxious minds love to be anxious. and as soon as I felt a bit calm and like I had moved on I asked "do I still love him?"
Ugh, and its all because, Ive been so stressed with school and this, Ive been crying for an entire week from stress, and today on Skype, I think i disassociated because, I just felt like I was going though notions and Ive been so bland about everything. I think I need to chill out. I even feel dizzy.
Anxiety is exhausting.
---------- Post added at 04:56 ---------- Previous post was at 04:51 ----------
I hope it does too, Im struggling not with the distance but with my fears, about myself. We talked about it over skype and he reassured me. I didn't cheat I wont cheat, my fear is irrational, of course Im still caught in the web of "what if" which is frustrating. I have moments when I say, man this was stupid of course you wont cheat then go to .. but how do you know that?
UGH
And of course as soon as I felt an inch of relief after we talked my mind kinda, broke I guess and I felt like the entire time after that, I was just going though the notions of our relationship. Which now Im wondering "do you still love him?" this is getting ridiculous. I think its just because Ive been so stressed. I had final exams and the day I was done, these problems started. I think i need a break
But thank you :D I am sure everything will be ok if your love for each other is strong, it doesn't matter what distance lies between you and your Bf :) The brain is a powerful, but destructive tool at times. You need to focus on your relationship and by being positive (thinking healthy thoughts rational thinking) and ditching the irrational thinking, you wont go far wrong.
Yes think a break is in order too I know I desperately need one my self :) Cheers
Hi Mari2
None of the advice you have received here has been very helpful, including my own. This is because everxone is focusing on your relationship instead of the underlying mental health aspect.
Have you seen a physician yet? He may recommend medication, or CBT therapy which may help. Does your school have a counselor you can talk to.
Many mothers with anxiety fear that they may harm their own children. Of course they never do, but their ultimate fear is of losing control. Thats what makes your case so similar.
Some of us older dudes here have suffered from anxiety on and of for years and nobody here wants you to go through the same.
So please seek medical help now if you havent already.
akbar
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