adss96
17-05-17, 04:40
Hi,
I have a LONG (pretty much lifelong) history of extreme anxiety. I am diagnosed with OCD and health anxiety alongside other anxiety disorders, and severe depression. I have experienced health anxiety for as long as I can possibly remember. Even over the last few months, I can list over ten conditions I've obsessed about (mostly types of cancer). So I am not new to this experience. I am on 45mg mirtazapine which does NOTHING apart from help me get to sleep. I've had CBT and i've been on almost every SSRI and nothing has ever helped me.
I've had an intermittent trapped nerve/strain kind of pain on the left side of my neck for a couple of months. Last week it hurt when I turned my head and I put my hand on my neck and I accidentally located a supraclavicular lymph node. I immediately had a panic attack and started poking it and prodding it and IMMEDIATELY I was completely engulfed with fear that it is cancerous, because it is obviously a bit enlarged and it feels rubbery.
Of course I consulted google afterwards and scared myself to death.
I went to the GP the next day and she very thoroughly examined me - she felt all around my neck and she located the lump which she confirmed is a lymph node. She said it feels rubbery and it is moveable, which indicates that it is not a cause for concern. She did a load of physical tests by feeling me etc and taking my temp and everything was perfect. She felt my armpits and my groin and said she couldn't feel anything untoward. She asked me whether I have other symptoms such as weight loss, chest pain, night sweats, etc etc, and I said no to all of them as I do not have any of those symptoms. I told her about my health anxiety and she was very understanding and very clear with everything that she said to me.
She said she did not think that I have lymphoma and she said the node is most likely 'shotty' - which wouldn't surprise me seeing as I had tonsillitis 7 times last year. She said she wasn't worried but out of routine she booked me in for a full blood count the same day and also tested for other things like glandular fever. She phoned me in the evening and said my bloods showed no sign of lymphoma or anything else sinister. She said however that my white cell count was 'slightly' elevated (she thinks because of some kind of virus) so I will need another blood test in 2 weeks. I am very angry and annoyed at myself now because I wish I had asked her to explain this to me over the phone but I didn't want to cause her too much trouble. So I am going for the follow-up blood test on monday.
I am confused about the virus thing because I do not feel unwell. Obviously since I saw her I have been back to obsessively worrying and I am linking all of these bodily sensations to my paranoia and convincing myself that I have symptoms of lymphoma. About 3 months ago I noticed a pimply sort of rash(?) thing on my right arm. It doesn't itch or hurt and unless I look at it I cannot tell that it's there. Of course I freaked out when I noticed that, convinced myself it was a sign of meningitis and spent 2 hours crying to someone from the student nightline over the phone (I'm at university). I eventually thought rationally and thought that if it was meningitis then I would feel ill, which I didn't. And since then I haven't really worried about it. UNTIL NOW - because now I'm utterly convinced that it's a symptom of lymphoma. The more I think about it now, the more I become convinced that it itches and that it's alarming. When I showed it to my mum a few weeks ago she said "it's just pimply chicken skin". I am ginger and very fair-skinned and I go pink very easily.
My armpits have been itching on and off (mildly and intermittently) for about a month but I have a load of new stretch marks around my armpits which are very inflamed and purple so I am trying to think rationally and reassure myself that my new stretch marks have always been itchy and that's why I've been itchy there. I am also allergic to most (if not all) deodorants to a mild degree so armpit itchiness is something I have always experienced on and off. New stretch marks on my inner thighs and stomach have been itching too but I think the relevance of the armpit area when it comes to lymph nodes is absolutely driving me insane.
Apart from that - no symptoms at all. Apart from this absolutely crippling anxiety and stress, I feel fine. I look fine. I am slightly overweight and I'm not losing weight. I don't have drenching night sweats. My lymph node is only palpable by poking quite hard and it is not at all obvious visually and is not palpable through 'normal' feeling of the area. My appetite and strength are fine.
I have been spending hours and hours searching through threads on this site and some things I've seen have reassured me whereas other things I've seen have added to the worry. I am convinced that the slight elevation in my white cell count means I've got cancer. My brain is saying to me over and over "if there wasn't a problem then they wouldn't have called you back for another blood test" and I know that an elevated white cell count can sometimes be indicative of lymphoma. I want to believe and trust the doctor but I'm sure most people here will know how impossible that is. I am convinced that this thing on my arm means I've got cancer. I am convinced that my itchy armpits (and any other itch for that matter) mean I've got cancer. I keep having these awful intrusive thoughts/images of me dying and leaving my boyfriend behind and ruining my parents' lives. Every time I think of ANYTHING that is unrelated to this situation, my brain is like "there's no point in thinking about that because you have cancer and are going to die before you have to think about anything else".
I'm 20, I'm at uni and I have exams coming up in less than 2 weeks. I feel like a prisoner of my own head and I cannot rest. I'm trying to study for my exams but I am completely consumed by worry. In my sleep I'm chewing up the insides of my cheeks and I'm experiencing globus sensation every day. I can't enjoy anything or take any time out from this worrying and it's even been giving me quite brutal palpitations. I feel like a ticking time bomb and I feel utterly hopeless. I've always felt like my HA is paradoxical because it makes me so obsessively frightened of life-threatening illnesses but at the same time it makes me wish I was dead because then I wouldn't have to live such a miserable and stressful life. The people around me get really tired of me obsessively and repetitively asking them for reassurance about my health and a lot of the time will get frustrated and angry with me.
I'm sorry this post is so long, I just really really REALLY need some reassurance. I don't have a life at all. No amount of logical thinking on my part will work. I cannot stop. Every day is worse than the last and every day I experience some other vague or probably non-existent sensation/symptom which I am inexplicably linking to lymphoma. I am convinced I have it. It's like I've been TOLD I have it. Thank you for reading this.
:weep:
I have a LONG (pretty much lifelong) history of extreme anxiety. I am diagnosed with OCD and health anxiety alongside other anxiety disorders, and severe depression. I have experienced health anxiety for as long as I can possibly remember. Even over the last few months, I can list over ten conditions I've obsessed about (mostly types of cancer). So I am not new to this experience. I am on 45mg mirtazapine which does NOTHING apart from help me get to sleep. I've had CBT and i've been on almost every SSRI and nothing has ever helped me.
I've had an intermittent trapped nerve/strain kind of pain on the left side of my neck for a couple of months. Last week it hurt when I turned my head and I put my hand on my neck and I accidentally located a supraclavicular lymph node. I immediately had a panic attack and started poking it and prodding it and IMMEDIATELY I was completely engulfed with fear that it is cancerous, because it is obviously a bit enlarged and it feels rubbery.
Of course I consulted google afterwards and scared myself to death.
I went to the GP the next day and she very thoroughly examined me - she felt all around my neck and she located the lump which she confirmed is a lymph node. She said it feels rubbery and it is moveable, which indicates that it is not a cause for concern. She did a load of physical tests by feeling me etc and taking my temp and everything was perfect. She felt my armpits and my groin and said she couldn't feel anything untoward. She asked me whether I have other symptoms such as weight loss, chest pain, night sweats, etc etc, and I said no to all of them as I do not have any of those symptoms. I told her about my health anxiety and she was very understanding and very clear with everything that she said to me.
She said she did not think that I have lymphoma and she said the node is most likely 'shotty' - which wouldn't surprise me seeing as I had tonsillitis 7 times last year. She said she wasn't worried but out of routine she booked me in for a full blood count the same day and also tested for other things like glandular fever. She phoned me in the evening and said my bloods showed no sign of lymphoma or anything else sinister. She said however that my white cell count was 'slightly' elevated (she thinks because of some kind of virus) so I will need another blood test in 2 weeks. I am very angry and annoyed at myself now because I wish I had asked her to explain this to me over the phone but I didn't want to cause her too much trouble. So I am going for the follow-up blood test on monday.
I am confused about the virus thing because I do not feel unwell. Obviously since I saw her I have been back to obsessively worrying and I am linking all of these bodily sensations to my paranoia and convincing myself that I have symptoms of lymphoma. About 3 months ago I noticed a pimply sort of rash(?) thing on my right arm. It doesn't itch or hurt and unless I look at it I cannot tell that it's there. Of course I freaked out when I noticed that, convinced myself it was a sign of meningitis and spent 2 hours crying to someone from the student nightline over the phone (I'm at university). I eventually thought rationally and thought that if it was meningitis then I would feel ill, which I didn't. And since then I haven't really worried about it. UNTIL NOW - because now I'm utterly convinced that it's a symptom of lymphoma. The more I think about it now, the more I become convinced that it itches and that it's alarming. When I showed it to my mum a few weeks ago she said "it's just pimply chicken skin". I am ginger and very fair-skinned and I go pink very easily.
My armpits have been itching on and off (mildly and intermittently) for about a month but I have a load of new stretch marks around my armpits which are very inflamed and purple so I am trying to think rationally and reassure myself that my new stretch marks have always been itchy and that's why I've been itchy there. I am also allergic to most (if not all) deodorants to a mild degree so armpit itchiness is something I have always experienced on and off. New stretch marks on my inner thighs and stomach have been itching too but I think the relevance of the armpit area when it comes to lymph nodes is absolutely driving me insane.
Apart from that - no symptoms at all. Apart from this absolutely crippling anxiety and stress, I feel fine. I look fine. I am slightly overweight and I'm not losing weight. I don't have drenching night sweats. My lymph node is only palpable by poking quite hard and it is not at all obvious visually and is not palpable through 'normal' feeling of the area. My appetite and strength are fine.
I have been spending hours and hours searching through threads on this site and some things I've seen have reassured me whereas other things I've seen have added to the worry. I am convinced that the slight elevation in my white cell count means I've got cancer. My brain is saying to me over and over "if there wasn't a problem then they wouldn't have called you back for another blood test" and I know that an elevated white cell count can sometimes be indicative of lymphoma. I want to believe and trust the doctor but I'm sure most people here will know how impossible that is. I am convinced that this thing on my arm means I've got cancer. I am convinced that my itchy armpits (and any other itch for that matter) mean I've got cancer. I keep having these awful intrusive thoughts/images of me dying and leaving my boyfriend behind and ruining my parents' lives. Every time I think of ANYTHING that is unrelated to this situation, my brain is like "there's no point in thinking about that because you have cancer and are going to die before you have to think about anything else".
I'm 20, I'm at uni and I have exams coming up in less than 2 weeks. I feel like a prisoner of my own head and I cannot rest. I'm trying to study for my exams but I am completely consumed by worry. In my sleep I'm chewing up the insides of my cheeks and I'm experiencing globus sensation every day. I can't enjoy anything or take any time out from this worrying and it's even been giving me quite brutal palpitations. I feel like a ticking time bomb and I feel utterly hopeless. I've always felt like my HA is paradoxical because it makes me so obsessively frightened of life-threatening illnesses but at the same time it makes me wish I was dead because then I wouldn't have to live such a miserable and stressful life. The people around me get really tired of me obsessively and repetitively asking them for reassurance about my health and a lot of the time will get frustrated and angry with me.
I'm sorry this post is so long, I just really really REALLY need some reassurance. I don't have a life at all. No amount of logical thinking on my part will work. I cannot stop. Every day is worse than the last and every day I experience some other vague or probably non-existent sensation/symptom which I am inexplicably linking to lymphoma. I am convinced I have it. It's like I've been TOLD I have it. Thank you for reading this.
:weep: