Pikah
18-05-17, 08:14
So I know there are probably tons of people here with the fear of a brain tumor, but since I never really told anyone of my fears I just wanted to try it out once. I'm 19 years old and suffer from GAD, SAD, depression and probably some kind of OCD.
So everything started 4 years ago. I don't remember it exactly but as far as I know it started on a weekend where I just had a normal headache that I had quite often my entire life. On the next day the headache was still present but only on the left side and I still remember telling my mom that I'm scared of having a brain tumor. (I suffer from health anxiety pretty much my entire life, even as a 4 year old I was always scared of getting sick or dying, but nothing stuck with me that long like this brain tumor thing)
So yeah that headache on the left side of my head just didn't leave me since then its always present, if its not a pain it's just a weird feeling but theres always something (but let's say I have one of my normal headaches on the right side, I don't feel anything). I also can't really describe the pain, it kind of like a pressure pain and sometimes I don't even know if it is pain or not, and sometimes the pain can get quite tiring.
At first it was around my left eyebrow. Now its kinda more around my forhead where the hairline is. Sometimes its on top of my head and rarely around my ear. Sometimes it affects my left eye. If I had to rate the pain on a scale of 1-10 I would give it a 5. Like sometimes it really did hurt and was throwing me of, but I was still able to do everything and also never felt the need of taking any medication. My neck is also a bit stiff on the left side and hurts but when I like "stretch it" it makes a crack noise and it gets better.
Ok now going over to other symptoms.
The first "symptom" I had would probably be that I just couldn't be happy anymore since I was always scared of dying in the next couple of weeks. But I already was a really pessimistic person like one and a half year before that , my self-esteem hit the bottom and I was just really sad and negative in general. How I said I suffer from SAD and GAD my entire life and it always prevented me from being a happy, carefree person but it has never been that bad.
My eyes got worse over the last years. I slowly noticed that I'm getting short-sighted and I'm convinced that its because of a tumor.
Most of my family members wear glasses and are short sighted, and I'm sitting in a dark room in front of my PC basically 24/7 for a year now, but my eyes always have been pretty good in the past and the left eye is like a tad worse than my right one thats why I'm really concerned about this.
I also got a lot of floaters, visual snow, basically all kinds of funny visual stuff. I also had a migraine aura several times even tho I don't have migraine headaches or atthe least not in relation to that. Also my eyes just feel tired pretty often and its just tiring to look around outside, but that is probably because I don't wear glasses.
So my eyes and the headaches are my two main problems that are there most of the time,the but the headaches came first. Just being exhausted a lot too.
Since a couple months my left ear feels clogged sometimes and it makes that noise when I swallow or move my jaw. 2 times it was pretty bad, I could still hear everything but everything was muffled and it just felt super weird and it scared me.
Sleeping is a big problem sometimes, I wake up scared and confused or I have like really weird thoughts or dreams when I am about to fall asleep especially since I read that seizures during sleep are a thing that stuff freaks me out, and I am really scared that these things could be seizures. One time I woke up with a really bad pain on the left side of my hip/back that only went away like 8 hours later and it freaks me out to think that could've been because of a seizure or something.
Then some little things that come and go for example muscle twitching all over my body, I don't have them a lot atm but a couple months ago I was really focusing on them. Sometimes my fingers start to tingle a bit but that mostly happens when I'm really anxious. When I'm laying in bed I often have some kind of crawling sensation on the left side of my head. It feels like my hair is moving or something. I don't get dizzy a lot but but you know, it happens sometimes.
At the moment I am fighting with the fear of going crazy/losing my mind. It started like 2 months when I had a panic attack and since then I deal with really bad derealisation/depersonalization. It has been better like 2 weeks ago but just recently I was thinking too much about it again and I'm back in the cycle. I have like a really long existential crisis. I'm questioning everything and then memories or people I love start to feel so unfamiliar. I am really scared that I will slowly lose my memories and forget pretty much my whole life. Sometimes I think about what if this is all a dream or whatever and I know that's bullshit but it freaks me out nonetheless.
But going back to DR/DP: I ofc think that this is caused by a brain tumor too. I basically connect every symptom I get with the brain tumor.
Now, have I been to a doctor? No. Real stupid I know, but just the thought of going there and getting diagnosed with a brain tumor is horrifying to me. I feel like I would just snap and pass out if that would happen and sometimes I am just so freaking convinced. Even tho after all these years of never being able to relax or living my life, it would help me to know it even I there is something but I just can't do it.
Couple weeks ago I went to a psychiatrist for the first time and started therapy. But I really don't know if that will help me. That constant fear for the past 4 years is dragging me down so much..
I'm sure I missed quite some stuff and sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language
Thanks
Wow that got long..well, at least I can still write just fine, thats good I guess :|
So everything started 4 years ago. I don't remember it exactly but as far as I know it started on a weekend where I just had a normal headache that I had quite often my entire life. On the next day the headache was still present but only on the left side and I still remember telling my mom that I'm scared of having a brain tumor. (I suffer from health anxiety pretty much my entire life, even as a 4 year old I was always scared of getting sick or dying, but nothing stuck with me that long like this brain tumor thing)
So yeah that headache on the left side of my head just didn't leave me since then its always present, if its not a pain it's just a weird feeling but theres always something (but let's say I have one of my normal headaches on the right side, I don't feel anything). I also can't really describe the pain, it kind of like a pressure pain and sometimes I don't even know if it is pain or not, and sometimes the pain can get quite tiring.
At first it was around my left eyebrow. Now its kinda more around my forhead where the hairline is. Sometimes its on top of my head and rarely around my ear. Sometimes it affects my left eye. If I had to rate the pain on a scale of 1-10 I would give it a 5. Like sometimes it really did hurt and was throwing me of, but I was still able to do everything and also never felt the need of taking any medication. My neck is also a bit stiff on the left side and hurts but when I like "stretch it" it makes a crack noise and it gets better.
Ok now going over to other symptoms.
The first "symptom" I had would probably be that I just couldn't be happy anymore since I was always scared of dying in the next couple of weeks. But I already was a really pessimistic person like one and a half year before that , my self-esteem hit the bottom and I was just really sad and negative in general. How I said I suffer from SAD and GAD my entire life and it always prevented me from being a happy, carefree person but it has never been that bad.
My eyes got worse over the last years. I slowly noticed that I'm getting short-sighted and I'm convinced that its because of a tumor.
Most of my family members wear glasses and are short sighted, and I'm sitting in a dark room in front of my PC basically 24/7 for a year now, but my eyes always have been pretty good in the past and the left eye is like a tad worse than my right one thats why I'm really concerned about this.
I also got a lot of floaters, visual snow, basically all kinds of funny visual stuff. I also had a migraine aura several times even tho I don't have migraine headaches or atthe least not in relation to that. Also my eyes just feel tired pretty often and its just tiring to look around outside, but that is probably because I don't wear glasses.
So my eyes and the headaches are my two main problems that are there most of the time,the but the headaches came first. Just being exhausted a lot too.
Since a couple months my left ear feels clogged sometimes and it makes that noise when I swallow or move my jaw. 2 times it was pretty bad, I could still hear everything but everything was muffled and it just felt super weird and it scared me.
Sleeping is a big problem sometimes, I wake up scared and confused or I have like really weird thoughts or dreams when I am about to fall asleep especially since I read that seizures during sleep are a thing that stuff freaks me out, and I am really scared that these things could be seizures. One time I woke up with a really bad pain on the left side of my hip/back that only went away like 8 hours later and it freaks me out to think that could've been because of a seizure or something.
Then some little things that come and go for example muscle twitching all over my body, I don't have them a lot atm but a couple months ago I was really focusing on them. Sometimes my fingers start to tingle a bit but that mostly happens when I'm really anxious. When I'm laying in bed I often have some kind of crawling sensation on the left side of my head. It feels like my hair is moving or something. I don't get dizzy a lot but but you know, it happens sometimes.
At the moment I am fighting with the fear of going crazy/losing my mind. It started like 2 months when I had a panic attack and since then I deal with really bad derealisation/depersonalization. It has been better like 2 weeks ago but just recently I was thinking too much about it again and I'm back in the cycle. I have like a really long existential crisis. I'm questioning everything and then memories or people I love start to feel so unfamiliar. I am really scared that I will slowly lose my memories and forget pretty much my whole life. Sometimes I think about what if this is all a dream or whatever and I know that's bullshit but it freaks me out nonetheless.
But going back to DR/DP: I ofc think that this is caused by a brain tumor too. I basically connect every symptom I get with the brain tumor.
Now, have I been to a doctor? No. Real stupid I know, but just the thought of going there and getting diagnosed with a brain tumor is horrifying to me. I feel like I would just snap and pass out if that would happen and sometimes I am just so freaking convinced. Even tho after all these years of never being able to relax or living my life, it would help me to know it even I there is something but I just can't do it.
Couple weeks ago I went to a psychiatrist for the first time and started therapy. But I really don't know if that will help me. That constant fear for the past 4 years is dragging me down so much..
I'm sure I missed quite some stuff and sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language
Thanks
Wow that got long..well, at least I can still write just fine, thats good I guess :|