View Full Version : I Am Stuck In Reverse Gear
Hi Folks as the title suggests, Iam stuck in this gear and although other members will say it will pass, it doesn't. Lost my hm now he has left. but that's not the main problem, the main thing is people or should I say lack of people in my life I can only recover with nice people who want to be with me
and may be just simply go for a coffee, I mean it's not a big ask and yet nobody wants to know. I know its daft, but looking at a 36 page thread on Meet ups in Newcastle upon Tyne and it happened and it was good :eek:
So Iam at the stage where being a hermit is the only option left now I have so much to give so give me chance :) Cheers
Bigboy - This is an anxiety forum, and due to the nature of this horrible affliction, it's not as easy as "simply go for a coffee". I will not use the word desperate but if you appear too keen it can put people off. Some people may feel that you're over-confident and that can feel intimidating... There are many other factors making meeting people difficult - even those without an anxiety disorder still suffer with social nerves on occasion.
And why is your recovery dependent on others? Your recovery is only dependent on yourself. You have a support base here, and you should use that, but the rest is up to you. Take the pressure off yourself and you may naturally attract new people.
Hi BB
Sorry to hear about your situation. But don't underestimate your own resilience. For the time being you're alone but it doesn't mean you can't recover. I'm in a jail with over 4000 prisoners and I don't like any of them yet am surviving with bad GAD.
There must be some members here in your general vicinity. Can you not initiate something? I don't know how it works.
You sound like a nice chappy and certainly don't lack awareness of social skills.
So I'd say stop feeling sorry for yourself and try and take the initiative somehow. There are so many lonely people around you'd think it would be easy but I guess its not
akb
Bigboy - This is an anxiety forum, and due to the nature of this horrible affliction, it's not as easy as "simply go for a coffee". I will not use the word desperate but if you appear too keen it can put people off. Some people may feel that you're over-confident and that can feel intimidating... There are many other factors making meeting people difficult - even those without an anxiety disorder still suffer with social nerves on occasion.
And why is your recovery dependent on others? Your recovery is only dependent on yourself. You have a support base here, and you should use that, but the rest is up to you. Take the pressure off yourself and you may naturally attract new people. Hi KK2613 I am aware of that and no I haven't joined the forum just for meets but admit when I saw there was a sub forum for this I did use it. I also joined NMP for support and advice too, Iam normally a confident person who is now becoming less confident does this make sense?! Good question, but I can answer that. 1. We are supposed to be 'social' animals If you believe we came from apes (primates) 2. My recovery would happen if I just had some one in my life, again does this make sense?! Well it does to me. If I was a loner and I actually didn't mind being on my own then I wouldn't post about this problem, but Iam not a loner, don't want be ever be a loner. Oh one thing why have a Meet Up sub forum if NMP is a anxiety forum this makes no sense atall to me? Thanks for your reply :) Cheers
---------- Post added at 13:37 ---------- Previous post was at 13:23 ----------
Hi BB
Sorry to hear about your situation. But don't underestimate your own resilience. For the time being you're alone but it doesn't mean you can't recover. I'm in a jail with over 4000 prisoners and I don't like any of them yet am surviving with bad GAD.
There must be some members here in your general vicinity. Can you not initiate something? I don't know how it works.
You sound like a nice chappy and certainly don't lack awareness of social skills.
So I'd say stop feeling sorry for yourself and try and take the initiative somehow. There are so many lonely people around you'd think it would be easy but I guess its not
akb Hi akb thanks Yeah I hear you on this but like you say it wont be for ever you will probably be released back in to the community and be able to get back to where you were prior to going to the slammer wether it's family or friends but probably guessing on this, so my apologies if I got it wrong!
This is what I keep telling my self there must be people out there in the same boat there has to be! And yet I have tried. I allways say to other members, don't give up and yet that's exactly how I feel right now lonliness is a terrible thing to go through as you probably are going through this while being locked away.
Yes I would like to think I am a nice chappy (as you put it LOL)And I do thnk I posses these skills too. Hey I am not feeling sorry for my self, but Iam feeling rather down and low ebb at the mo though if Iam being honest!
Appreciate your message though thanks Cheers
ServerError
20-05-17, 13:40
(We didn't come from apes. We are apes. We share a common ancestor with all the other primates.)
I think the point is, meet-ups do happen. There's no reason not to have a section for it just because one user finds it frustrating that a meet-up hasn't yet happened for him.
I'll be bluntly honest here, I'd be wary about meeting you. I don't doubt you're a nice guy, but you come on way too strong about the idea of meeting. It will put people off. I'd be concerned that, should I exercise my right to decide not to meet again, or should I be too busy for a period, my inbox would fill up with questions about why I'd turned my back on your or what have you. I've been on the other side: I've experienced chronic loneliness and I've freaked people out myself in the past by coming on too strong. Whether we like it or not, appearing "desperate" (even if you're not) does tend to put people off.
Despite the above, I completely get that you're lonely and want human company and contact. I wouldn't want you to think this was a criticism of that most basic human need. But I do think you need to take this by the scruff of the neck and stop waiting for an anxiety forum online to solve the issue. Anxiety sufferers are bound to be flakey. The Newcastle thread is an outlier - it is vastly unrepresentative of the meet-ups section. My advice, for what it's worth, would be to start with yourself. Play a longer game. Ask yourself, I mean really ask yourself, what changes you could make that might help draw people towards you more naturally. I'm not suggesting it all comes down to you, but a lot of it will do.
Beyond that, there will almost certainly be groups you can join in a city the size of Stoke and the wider Potteries region. Whether it's based around hobbies or mental health, I'm sure you could find something to get you out there meeting people that would be far more reliable than an anxiety forum. Try to start looking inwards for some of your answers, because many of them lie with you.
I hope my reply doesn't upset you. My intention is to simply to help you see an honest point of view from a dispassionate observer, because I think you need that. I've been where you are, I really have. I know you can change it. But it's not a quick fix and a lot of the work comes from within.
(We didn't come from apes. We are apes. We share a common ancestor with all the other primates.)
I think the point is, meet-ups do happen. There's no reason not to have a section for it just because one user finds it frustrating that a meet-up hasn't yet happened for him.
I'll be bluntly honest here, I'd be wary about meeting you. I don't doubt you're a nice guy, but you come on way too strong about the idea of meeting. It will put people off. I'd be concerned that, should I exercise my right to decide not to meet again, or should I be too busy for a period, my inbox would fill up with questions about why I'd turned my back on your or what have you. I've been on the other side: I've experienced chronic loneliness and I've freaked people out myself in the past by coming on too strong. Whether we like it or not, appearing "desperate" (even if you're not) does tend to put people off.
Despite the above, I completely get that you're lonely and want human company and contact. I wouldn't want you to think this was a criticism of that most basic human need. But I do think you need to take this by the scruff of the neck and stop waiting for an anxiety forum online to solve the issue. Anxiety sufferers are bound to be flakey. The Newcastle thread is an outlier - it is vastly unrepresentative of the meet-ups section. My advice, for what it's worth, would be to start with yourself. Play a longer game. Ask yourself, I mean really ask yourself, what changes you could make that might help draw people towards you more naturally. I'm not suggesting it all comes down to you, but a lot of it will do.
Beyond that, there will almost certainly be groups you can join in a city the size of Stoke and the wider Potteries region. Whether it's based around hobbies or mental health, I'm sure you could find something to get you out there meeting people that would be far more reliable than an anxiety forum. Try to start looking inwards for some of your answers, because many of them lie with you.
I hope my reply doesn't upset you. My intention is to simply to help you see an honest point of view from a dispassionate observer, because I think you need that. I've been where you are, I really have. I know you can change it. But it's not a quick fix and a lot of the work comes from within.
I must admit although your intention wasn't to hurt me it has slightly, which may now put off other people getting to know me.Yes ok we are Apes but the common thing here they crave and work best together thats what I was trying to say :)Iam already in a support group in stoke and while it's good when the group finishes every one leaves and that's it so back to square one I guess.
I tend to agree and think it's a post code lottery on these meets but the threads are over condfident like ok can we make it next sat xyz so looking forward to it oh lets meet there, lets do this etc. Iam good Guy I care about people I like nothing more than a good convo with some one and know I can hold a convo too. Still no harm done and thanks for your reply Severerror :)
ServerError
20-05-17, 14:04
I have to say, I think you're attaching too much meaning to what random users say in threads. I went to the Newcastle thread out of curiosity. It doesn't give me the impression that meet ups actually happen all that often. It's mostly just people saying they'd "like to meet" and then you don't really see much follow up.
I'm sorry you feel hurt by any of what I said. I can assure you that everything I said were things that I have had said to me in the past. Or variations on the theme. I spent years hardly seeing anyone and wondering why it was so hard to connect with people. I felt like I was carrying around a boulder made of loneliness. The problem was, I couldn't rely on others to change it for me. Sad as it is, holding out for someone to save me wasn't working. I had to be the one to change things. And so do you.
The fact you go to a support group is good. Why not bring up these issues next time you go (assuming you don't already). Somebody might know of something.
MyNameIsTerry
20-05-17, 14:17
Dave,
In all the time I've been here the only group I've seen keep popping up is Kasha Meets and that's only because the organiser keeps bumping it.
They just don't happen. There are threads about why old meets have stopped and it was because of the small numbers. It's a small forum.
Many of the boards are not moving much, some not at all. The reason for them has changed because the customer base has changed.
You've got a proper charity organising real help sessions as well as social events. There are usually government funded schemes too. These are aimed at socialising, NMP really isn't.
Addressing your issues can be about having more social activity, for some they can learn not to let it affect them and still recover. Both are fine and encouraged in therapy from my experience but there is certainly a need to limit the negative impacts of them too.
For Instance, think about why you were reading that thread. Was it respective of the current NMP customer base? If it wasn't, it's out of scope for the current one because it's probably long gone.
I have to say, I think you're attaching too much meaning to what random users say in threads. I went to the Newcastle thread out of curiosity. It doesn't give me the impression that meet ups actually happen all that often. It's mostly just people saying they'd "like to meet" and then you don't really see much follow up.
I'm sorry you feel hurt by any of what I said. I can assure you that everything I said were things that I have had said to me in the past. Or variations on the theme. I spent years hardly seeing anyone and wondering why it was so hard to connect with people. I felt like I was carrying around a boulder made of loneliness. The problem was, I couldn't rely on others to change it for me. Sad as it is, holding out for someone to save me wasn't working. I had to be the one to change things. And so do you.
The fact you go to a support group is good. Why not bring up these issues next time you go (assuming you don't already). Somebody might know of something.I probably do it's a over active mind working too hard I guess LOL. Yes Iam ok a little hurt and realise it was not said to do that so no harm done :) so you came over like me then a bit desperate too?!! Yes it is good these peer support groups so will keep trying and seeking if that's the way forward on this or sit back and say nothing?! Thanks again. Cheers
MyNameIsTerry
20-05-17, 14:29
I have to say, I think you're attaching too much meaning to what random users say in threads. I went to the Newcastle thread out of curiosity. It doesn't give me the impression that meet ups actually happen all that often. It's mostly just people saying they'd "like to meet" and then you don't really see much follow up.
I'm sorry you feel hurt by any of what I said. I can assure you that everything I said were things that I have had said to me in the past. Or variations on the theme. I spent years hardly seeing anyone and wondering why it was so hard to connect with people. I felt like I was carrying around a boulder made of loneliness. The problem was, I couldn't rely on others to change it for me. Sad as it is, holding out for someone to save me wasn't working. I had to be the one to change things. And so do you.
The fact you go to a support group is good. Why not bring up these issues next time you go (assuming you don't already). Somebody might know of something.
I've been to the Changes groups Dave mentions and they are far better than this forum in terms of getting people together at events as they push them as well as update those present on local initiatives that they can join. It's a long running charity.
For instance, they offer coffee mornings, music groups, weekly free bingo, monthly pub meals, a yearly coach outing. When I used to go they were pushing the national walking groups, the green initiatives such as gardening projects and upcoming free or small fee courses aimed at getting people with these issues together.
Locally there is volunteering and courses outside of all this.
All those may mean making friends.
This forum by comparison is a group of people spread out all over the world. I've come across less than 10 people in this city since I've been here. Go to a Changes walk-in and there can be that many there & more. And you can attend any session which means different people as they are spread across the city to aid accessibility.
ServerError
20-05-17, 14:34
Oh yeah, I had real issues with loneliness. If I saw two people I knew doing things together on Facebook, I'd dwell on it for days. Sometimes I'd send passive aggressive messages asking why I'd been "excluded". I also used to get really attached to girls on dating sites who talked to me. So when they'd stop, I'd take it to heart and get really down about it. I was just waiting for someone, somewhere on the internet, to transform my life for me.
But it didn't happen. I'm a completely different person now. I cringe at all that old behaviour of mine.
MyNameIsTerry
20-05-17, 14:41
Dave,
Are you talking about the thread that is spread out over 8 years and only 6 pages long?
The length of time tells me it's long gone as far as NMP is concerned. The members posting probably aren't on here either?
It seems to about setting one up and then there are some posts about other groups.
Catherine S
20-05-17, 14:42
Dave, I think you're probably going to have to accept that nmp is an online support group and nothing more. To keep posting about meet ups that don't happen is only setting yourself up for a fall. Once you accept that, you might be able to move on from it and, as others have said, seek real proper friendships elsewhere, such as in your own community. You have various things on the go already with the Changes group, just make sure you join in with as many activities as they offer.
Best wishes
Cath ☺
I was on the Newcastle bus route when a chap sat by me. I new him, he lives in our village. I asked him how he was. He told me he had mental health issues and was going three times a week to different places in Newcastle. I did not like to ask to much. His name is Bill. Maybe you have come across him??? So there are places there for you Bigboy. Not much help to you am I Sorry x
Servererror never actually posted any aggressive behaviour but know where you are coming from it's so frustraiting isn't it!
Terry no not that thread but it was in Newcastle upon tyne 36 pages long and the meet went ahead I felt so left out too even though I wasn't a member of the forum.
ISB I do feel like giving up though, and even in a social situation you can be left out, but I hear you!
Magic Do you still see this Bill ask him of he goes to Changes could you? Cheers
ServerError
20-05-17, 15:06
Just to make it clear, I was never aggressive. I've never been an aggressive guy. I just meant passive aggressive - snide comments and huffy remarks. That kind of thing.
The Newcastle thread is a massive outlier. It's totally unrepresentative of what the forum is like. Especially these days.
MyNameIsTerry
20-05-17, 15:21
Ok, scanning the last few pages shows a handful of members talking. Was that how the thread went?
Whilst it's a meet up, it's not convincing as an ongoing thing and it's a zombie thread with names I've not seen posting other than one (but I was skimming).
Are you sure you are looking at this properly? I went to Changes for a year, it was going long before me and will be long after me. There were lots of people. That's successful to me. I would be putting my bets on that place.
Hey bigboy I'm a loner so not really bothered and actually want people to go away most of the time! I fear having my energy drained and becoming stretched thin and almost "too extroverted" which is completely backwards and unnatural for me. Though I need other peoples help of course and they need me.
I think blind faith and patience is in order here. A narrowed constricted perspective or notion doesn't help with this tough situation. Meet ups through this site or another aren't the only possibility of making connections with others. Keeping an open mind, it can happen any way is useful.
I've always felt like I've had that something missing, it's a void in me that needs filling up except I'm not unique in this feeling and you're not alone in this ironically. We need to fill ourselves up.
There's never going to be anything wrong with wanting companionship and camaraderie and all that. We are social animals with so much to give. But if it's because of a feeling of incompleteness, where you need to take but not give, or distraction from abysmal feelings of loniless or boredom, the intentions of getting rid of those feelings will get in the way of meeting others and misunderstandings of desperation will be made. I've been there too and felt humiliated. Hope it goes well.
---------- Post added at 16:01 ---------- Previous post was at 15:27 ----------
Oh yeah, I had real issues with loneliness. If I saw two people I knew doing things together on Facebook, I'd dwell on it for days. Sometimes I'd send passive aggressive messages asking why I'd been "excluded". I also used to get really attached to girls on dating sites who talked to me. So when they'd stop, I'd take it to heart and get really down about it. I was just waiting for someone, somewhere on the internet, to transform my life for me.
But it didn't happen. I'm a completely different person now. I cringe at all that old behaviour of mine.
I understand what you meant. I used to believe the internet was my saviour and that I'd actually meet the one and all that garbage. I was so unknowingly clingly and annoying, messaging and PM'ing almost anyone across all internet sites facebook, dating sites and anxiety forums... needing company because I really did feel that lonely. I know that's so lame and soooo cringeworthy!! I hope no one can remember me!
I've noticed people only come here to forums such as this one to let off steam. It's kind of a hiding place for everyday people who feel too ashamed to talk to family or friends and can't afford the proper therapy. It would be clandestine meet ups at best I'd imagine. But why is there a meet up section? It's misleading isn't it?
Just to make it clear, I was never aggressive. I've never been an aggressive guy. I just meant passive aggressive - snide comments and huffy remarks. That kind of thing.
The Newcastle thread is a massive outlier. It's totally unrepresentative of what the forum is like. Especially these days. No need to make it clear ServerError perhaps I wasn't clear I actually meant the same thing just comments you made not physical aggression my apologies! Cheers
This is an anxiety website. Sufferers range from deep in the rabbit hole and never coming out to recovered. Types of mental illness range greatly as well. Yes, there is a "Meet Up" section. From what I've seen, it's a rarely used nor busy section of the forum. There are many other sub-forums that are the same. It doesn't mean you remove it.
Bottom line is... This is the internet and this is an "anxiety" internet forum. It's not a dating nor friend making site. It's a forum for people to discuss their issues. It's not set up nor conducive to getting to know someone on a personal level. It's screen names and words on a screen. Yes, there is flesh and blood behind the screen but no one can reach through and physically touch another.
There are sites dedicated to meeting people. From clubs for people that share a common interest to dating sites and just about any other interest you have. To place so much weight and judge your self worth on a sub-forum of an anxiety website is just not healthy nor does it make sense. Sadly, I'm seeing that in this case. It's just a variation of those that freak out because their thread was read 100 times and no one responded so it sends them spiraling deeper.
I hope you find the inner fortitude to address the real life issues you've discussed on the boards (smoking 5 packs a day and the hoarding). Feeling good about yourself both mentally and physically will go a long way in addressing the social aspects of your life.
Positive thoughts
Ok, scanning the last few pages shows a handful of members talking. Was that how the thread went?
Whilst it's a meet up, it's not convincing as an ongoing thing and it's a zombie thread with names I've not seen posting other than one (but I was skimming).
Are you sure you are looking at this properly? I went to Changes for a year, it was going long before me and will be long after me. There were lots of people. That's successful to me. I would be putting my bets on that place. Terry think it was possibly more successful
years back on here for meet ups now even on other threads may be 2 or 3 pages then it dies, So while I take it personally (which I shouldn't) I know it's not directed at me :) Had a walk and spoke with some on the main drag they just moved in from Lyme Valley Trust in to a HMO place across from there and we got talking etc and isolation cropped up in the conversation in turns out they are lonely too and we exchanged addresses and it looks possible that we will meet up :) Now that was fairly easy, but another day would be completely difficult, guess it's swings and roundabouts Ahh. Were you successful at changes Terry in any meets? Cheers
---------- Post added at 17:10 ---------- Previous post was at 16:54 ----------
This is an anxiety website. Sufferers range from deep in the rabbit hole and never coming out to recovered. Types of mental illness range greatly as well. Yes, there is a "Meet Up" section. From what I've seen, it's a rarely used nor busy section of the forum. There are many other sub-forums that are the same. It doesn't mean you remove it.
Bottom line is... This is the internet and this is an "anxiety" internet forum. It's not a dating nor friend making site. It's a forum for people to discuss their issues. It's not set up nor conducive to getting to know someone on a personal level. It's screen names and words on a screen. Yes, there is flesh and blood behind the screen but no one can reach through and physically touch another.
There are sites dedicated to meeting people. From clubs for people that share a common interest to dating sites and just about any other interest you have. To place so much weight and judge your self worth on a sub-forum of an anxiety website is just not healthy nor does it make sense. Sadly, I'm seeing that in this case. It's just a variation of those that freak out because their thread was read 100 times and no one responded so it sends them spiraling deeper.
I hope you find the inner fortitude to address the real life issues you've discussed on the boards (smoking 5 packs a day and the hoarding). Feeling good about yourself both mentally and physically will go a long way in addressing the social aspects of your life.
Positive thoughts Which is more the shame for those who are stuck in a 'rabbit hole' Would be nice to see everyone recover though, but realistically think it won't happen at this point in time Iam in a 'rabbit hole' but not at the bottom, neither do I want to reach the bottom that would be destructive and pointless.
Yes can see that it is similar to reading someone's x amount of times and not getting a single reply it's very disheartening to the poster too.
As for other sites Iam not sure as (no offence) but we are Mentally Ill in our own right Normal (if there is such a state) people wouldn't understand us and would probably not want to know that's why this site appealed to me Ie I am not alone in the way I feel/think makes sense to me :) And thank you I hope I do find the inner fortitude to find what I am looking for. And it seems like my hoarding issue will be sorted as is my smoking problem and not by some Tv company that seemed to have given me a life line for which is not a life line now. Just a distant memory but my something closer and unusual form . Once it's happened well I can tell everyone about it :) Cheers
jamiebythesea
20-05-17, 17:18
I'm sure our local MIND organizes 'meets' where like minded people meet up, might be an idea dave.
I met myself at a 'meet' once, turned me off them for life :wacko:
MyNameIsTerry
20-05-17, 17:37
Maybe that group was successful but perhaps just a friends group? If it turned into a proper mental health group why aren't they broadcasting it on here?
Don't look at the number of pages, look at the numbers committing. A handful of people doesn't make a group in these circles.
But what do you want? Friends or to set up a mental health group?
I met some really nice people but I wasn't interested in making friends. If I do, it's a bonus. I've tended to find my friends through work in the past and this has meant drifting away as work changes and things are so busy.
I had those negative thoughts & loneliness earlier in my relapse. I got past them. I have no friends in real life, anxiety caused so much avoidance that they were lost. With my sleep schedules, friends are a no go and I had to come to terms with how that was just how things were right now because the alternative was low mood.
My therapist put me onto Changes as a way to be less Isolated. But I suspect it was also because I wasn't progressing and the sessions were coming to an end. It helped with the social side but I've always been able to do things alone or socialise anyway so I'm less in need of it.
I'm sure our local MIND organizes 'meets' where like minded people meet up, might be an idea dave.
I met myself at a 'meet' once, turned me off them for life :wacko: I will have to look in this Jamie I know they have lost a lot of funding for various things like they had a befriending scheme many years back but that's discontinued now but I can make enquires about the socials. So Meet Up groups didn't work for you then sorry to hear this. Cheers
---------- Post added at 17:55 ---------- Previous post was at 17:44 ----------
Maybe that group was successful but perhaps just a friends group? If it turned into a proper mental health group why aren't they broadcasting it on here?
Don't look at the number of pages, look at the numbers committing. A handful of people doesn't make a group in these circles.
But what do you want? Friends or to set up a mental health group?
I met some really nice people but I wasn't interested in making friends. If I do, it's a bonus. I've tended to find my friends through work in the past and this has meant drifting away as work changes and things are so busy.
I had those negative thoughts & loneliness earlier in my relapse. I got past them. I have no friends in real life, anxiety caused so much avoidance that they were lost. With my sleep schedules, friends are a no go and I had to come to terms with how that was just how things were right now because the alternative was low mood.
My therapist put me onto Changes as a way to be less Isolated. But I suspect it was also because I wasn't progressing and the sessions were coming to an end. It helped with the social side but I've always been able to do things alone or socialise anyway so I'm less in need of it. It could be and did email a few of them to ask if it was successful and was it still ongoing and as usual no replies so guess they have abandoned ship never to be seen again. No more interested in friends, rather then a group of friends like 5 or 6 don't think I could handle this as I feel someone usually gets left out!Yeah work friends to me are just that work friends some one who you can chat with at work when it's time to go home that's it over and done with till the next day so not ideal for me, If I didn't know what I wanted then that would be a problem, but I do know what I want and that's the big hurdle to jump over :) Cheers
Cup of Loneliness - George Jones
https://youtu.be/ljlZypz2SxI
ServerError
20-05-17, 20:00
Sounds to me like your being way too specific about what you want. Friendships generally occur naturally, as do all human connections. I don't think you can put down criteria and then try to make your relationships fit.
For what it's worth, I've made some of the best friendships of my life over the past four years, and 99.9% of them happened through work. If I had a barriervin my mind about work friends only being work friends, it never would have happened.
Carrie8484
21-05-17, 00:47
Dave, I've mentioned 'meet up' to you a few times, have you given it a go? I just did a quick search for your area and groups like this came up: https://www.meetup.com/Cannock-and-Staffs-Over-40s/
Why don't you try it ?
When I moved back in with my parents a few years ago I had no friends at all in the area and I started my own meet up group. It took b@lls to do it and it was only a small group but 4 years later two of those girls I met are still my closest friends.
You may not meet someone on this site but you have a good opportunity to do so on something like meet up. X
MyNameIsTerry
21-05-17, 04:46
t could be and did email a few of them to ask if it was successful and was it still ongoing and as usual no replies so guess they have abandoned ship never to be seen again. No more interested in friends, rather then a group of friends like 5 or 6 don't think I could handle this as I feel someone usually gets left out!Yeah work friends to me are just that work friends some one who you can chat with at work when it's time to go home that's it over and done with till the next day so not ideal for me, If I didn't know what I wanted then that would be a problem, but I do know what I want and that's the big hurdle to jump over :) Cheers
Why contact them? I don't see how that's relevant unless you want to attend those groups? :shrug: Even if they were successful it wouldn't mean anything to anyone else in terms of whether they could get it off the ground.
My two best mates in adult life were friendships fom work. I met my GF through work. But anxiety caused friendships to drift until everyone had moved on.
If you are looking for real life mates, I don't think NMP is going to be much use. You've got far more exposure to people through Changes.
Something you need to look at is how this affects you. Like you said above "as usual no replies" but if a stranger from a website I left long ago wa attempting to contact me about this I don't think I would reply, I would find it a strange request. So, does this now upset you? Do you feel ignored? Why? It's unusual to do this with long left members and no reply should be what is expected hence there is no let down.
The work you can do without any social interaction is to work on why these perceived knockbacks affect you so much.
Hi BB
Some of the stuff I have read here seems not very helpful. Some of it I don't even understand. As far as I know this is the busiest MH forum I know of with the exception of Elefriends. People there post real foto of themselves and it appears to be an easy place to hook up and even date but might not be your cup of tea, its a mainly young crowd.
Starting up your own group is what I'd do as the previous poster suggested.
There are also apps around where you can meet people, just try what you can but don't take it personal if you don't get tons of replies.
Hope these ideas help. Just look for companions at first and if it develops into a real friendship then well done.
BTW I don't think you come across as desperate, just honest.
Akbar
we are Mentally Ill in our own right Normal (if there is such a state) people wouldn't understand us and would probably not want to know......
This is an interesting statement. I have a philosophy about this.
As I grew up and up until I married, there were many friendships and relationships and many times of being alone. There were those times when things really clicked and then there were times when I ran like hell! ~lol~
Anyway... my take on your statement above is this...
"We're all crazy. No one is truly sane in this world. Everyone is crazy, it just varies by degree. When you meet someone who's crazier than you, it sends up a red flag. When you meet someone who's less crazy than you are, it can trigger some anxiety and insecurities.
When you meet someone who's as crazy as you are it feels normal."
You have to meet people to determine this. Bite the bullet, find some social groups and take a chance. Do you like hiking? Find a hiking group. You love your dog right? What about hanging out at a dog park or finding an animal advocate group?
I do hope you find friends that are normal for you :)
Positive thoughts
Catherine S
21-05-17, 08:17
Hi BB
Some of the stuff I have read here seems not very helpful. Some of it I don't even understand. As far as I know this is the busiest MH forum I know of with the exception of Elefriends. People there post real foto of themselves and it appears to be an easy place to hook up and even date but might not be your cup of tea, its a mainly young crowd.
Starting up your own group is what I'd do as the previous poster suggested.
There are also apps around where you can meet people, just try what you can but don't take it personal if you don't get tons of replies.
Hope these ideas help. Just look for companions at first and if it develops into a real friendship then well done.
BTW I don't think you come across as desperate, just honest.
Akbar
Akbar, what makes your ideas any better than anybody else's,? There isn't a single person who knows dave who doesn't have his wellbeing at heart, yet you say our replies are not very helpful and some replies you don't understand...well with respect, they're not written with you in mind, they are written by people who know dave very well and they're written with all good intentions.
He has been trying for a long time to get people from this forum to meet up with him but it's not happening, so our advice is...why put yourself through that over and over again as he does? And he does take it personally, that's the whole point here.
ISB
Hi I Still Receive
Ask yourself just one question - is your post helpful to the person who asked for help?
I guess you thought it was you I was talking about. But I'm not good with remembering names.
Have a nice day. If you see an old lady, help her cross the street
Akbar
Dave, I've mentioned 'meet up' to you a few times, have you given it a go? I just did a quick search for your area and groups like this came up: https://www.meetup.com/Cannock-and-Staffs-Over-40s/
Why don't you try it ?
When I moved back in with my parents a few years ago I had no friends at all in the area and I started my own meet up group. It took b@lls to do it and it was only a small group but 4 years later two of those girls I met are still my closest friends.
You may not meet someone on this site but you have a good opportunity to do so on something like meet up. XThanks Carrie I will take a look!Not sure it's going to work though Cheers
It's good to get other perspectives as its important to look at the bigger picture.
I think meetup is the best way to go big boy as Carrie suggested. I signed up to lots of meets but damn my anxiety keeps getting the better of me! I'm really letting myself down here. I'm going to go to one next weekend. The people here have anxiety and like me, are unreliable and rubbish at maintaining contact even though they need it and they wouldn't even show up! So basically you're actually missing out on nothing.
I think you're great having all that energy I admire it. I could tell from the first post I saw of yours that you have a heart of gold but posting on here is as good as it gets and you are a very good contributor here on NMP. I believe very few have met friends and even partners on these sites. But it does happen and being open to that possibility is fine. In the meantime it's probably better to keep it all online as far as this site is concerned.
Why contact them? I don't see how that's relevant unless you want to attend those groups? :shrug: Even if they were successful it wouldn't mean anything to anyone else in terms of whether they could get it off the ground.
My two best mates in adult life were friendships fom work. I met my GF through work. But anxiety caused friendships to drift until everyone had moved on.
If you are looking for real life mates, I don't think NMP is going to be much use. You've got far more exposure to people through Changes.
Something you need to look at is how this affects you. Like you said above "as usual no replies" but if a stranger from a website I left long ago wa attempting to contact me about this I don't think I would reply, I would find it a strange request. So, does this now upset you? Do you feel ignored? Why? It's unusual to do this with long left members and no reply should be what is expected hence there is no let down.
The work you can do without any social interaction is to work on why these perceived knockbacks affect you so much.As for work mates becoming friends no they open up the shop and I say hi and a few other nicities and then they get on with sorting stuff out for the shop and I get cleaning, so cant develop these relations any more. Think what you are talking about here is depending on what the site is would make a difference, but again on here where there is a sub forum for meet ups I personally wouldn't feel it's strange if some one replied to a old post and said yes I will meet up xyz especially if they were a returning member :) Why should I? I know what deep down loneliness feels like.Cheers
Catherine S
21-05-17, 09:56
Hi I Still Receive
Ask yourself just one question - is your post helpful to the person who asked for help?
I guess you thought it was you I was talking about. But I'm not good with remembering names.
Have a nice day. If you see an old lady, help her cross the street
Akbar
To answer your question, yes I think my post was helpful to dave, as were all of the others trying to help him...it was yours that wasn't really. I didn't think you were talking about me in particular no, I was simply pointing out that everybody who was posting with advice knows dave well, and knows about his feelings on this issue.
Yes I would always help old ladies across the street, but I'm an old lady now too, so hopefully somebody would help me too :)
ISB
Hi I Still Receive
Ask yourself just one question - is your post helpful to the person who asked for help?
I guess you thought it was you I was talking about. But I'm not good with remembering names.
Have a nice day. If you see an old lady, help her cross the street
AkbarHi Akbar It wasn't ISB's post that got to me,some one elses but that's all cleared up now! Just thought they should have pm'd me instead :)
---------- Post added at 10:08 ---------- Previous post was at 09:56 ----------
Hi BB
Some of the stuff I have read here seems not very helpful. Some of it I don't even understand. As far as I know this is the busiest MH forum I know of with the exception of Elefriends. People there post real foto of themselves and it appears to be an easy place to hook up and even date but might not be your cup of tea, its a mainly young crowd.
Starting up your own group is what I'd do as the previous poster suggested.
There are also apps around where you can meet people, just try what you can but don't take it personal if you don't get tons of replies.
Hope these ideas help. Just look for companions at first and if it develops into a real friendship then well done.
BTW I don't think you come across as desperate, just honest.
AkbarHi Akbar thanks for your post like I said the odd reply hasn't been helpful in that sense, but it's water under the bridge now! Hey what you trying to say lol I aint that old Ha ha LOL! Cheeky. But on the verge of giving up now :eek: One thing I do agree with is a anxiety forum should not really have a meet up section, why cause as one poster says because of members MH conditions it can make them unreliable, so totally agree with this :)
And yes that's all iam being honest if others think I am desperate then it's up to them :) Thanks again Cheers
---------- Post added at 10:24 ---------- Previous post was at 10:08 ----------
It's good to get other perspectives as its important to look at the bigger picture.
I think meetup is the best way to go big boy as Carrie suggested. I signed up to lots of meets but damn my anxiety keeps getting the better of me! I'm really letting myself down here. I'm going to go to one next weekend. The people here have anxiety and like me, are unreliable and rubbish at maintaining contact even though they need it and they wouldn't even show up! So basically you're actually missing out on nothing.
I think you're great having all that energy I admire it. I could tell from the first post I saw of yours that you have a heart of gold but posting on here is as good as it gets and you are a very good contributor here on NMP. I believe very few have met friends and even partners on these sites. But it does happen and being open to that possibility is fine. In the meantime it's probably better to keep it all online as far as this site is concerned.
Hi Bee Think you are right on this and I don't want to be here posting about the same problem again and again. Sometimes ppl have to push them selves and say what the worst that can happen if I got to a meet? You have to step out of your comfort zone to start your recovery!! And thank you for your comments too it's appreciated :) Cheers
Hi BB
Thanks for the thumbs up. Hope I didn't offend that other poster. Apologies if he's reading this.
I dabble on other MH forums and the general unwritten consensus is that when someone asks for help, you should either give it unconditionally or forever hold your peace. I was just reading a poster on another forum talking about his relationship breakup, reading between the lines was embarrassing so I left be, as did everyone else it seems.
I have noticed on forums irrespective of genre that by the time a member has made a million posts, a kind of complacency has set in which can make them insensitive and opinionated. Just a general observation.
Hope things work out for you soon and no doubt you'll be letting everyone know when it does.
Akb
Hi BB
Thanks for the thumbs up. Hope I didn't offend that other poster. Apologies if he's reading this.
I dabble on other MH forums and the general unwritten consensus is that when someone asks for help, you should either give it unconditionally or forever hold your peace. I was just reading a poster on another forum talking about his relationship breakup, reading between the lines was embarrassing so I left be, as did everyone else it seems.
I have noticed on forums irrespective of genre that by the time a member has made a million posts, a kind of complacency has set in which can make them insensitive and opinionated. Just a general observation.
Hope things work out for you soon and no doubt you'll be letting everyone know when it does.
Akb Hiya It's NP :) No don't think you did offend them :) And like I say it wasn't their post that got to me, but it's all ok, the only time I take offence is if some one is rude to me or bitching happens on a thread I have started then I will delete it it's as simple as that :) as for a million posts a I think every member has a long way to go to reach that mark ;) Hey good to chat to you hope you manage to have as good a day as humanly possible ;) Cheers
jamiebythesea
21-05-17, 10:47
ISB often helps me across the street, even if I don't need to go there :wacko:
Catherine S
21-05-17, 11:02
ISB often helps me across the street, even if I don't need to go there :wacko:
Lol! :buttkick:
Lol! :buttkick:Opps down they go ha ha :D
Carrie8484
21-05-17, 14:10
Thanks Carrie I will take a look!Not sure it's going to work though Cheers
Why won't it work Dave? Why would it work less than this site?! It's a site for people exactly like you ! (And me, and many others)You haven't even tried it yet. You've exhausted this site with looking for people to meet with and it's time to try a dedicated site where people are actively wanting to meet others. What I'm saying is, try putting less energy into this site and more energy into a site like Meet Up! And don't write it off before you've tried it. guess what - a lot of the people I met had anxiety and other mental health issues. Go on - try it and report back ! Stop making excuses- I'm being harsh with you now, as I've tried to help you in the past but it's fallen on deaf ears.
MyNameIsTerry
21-05-17, 14:16
Opps down they go ha ha :D
Hey! Cath is a happily married woman! :biggrin:
Catherine S
21-05-17, 14:34
No need to use the 'H' word Terry, proper shook me up that did :D
Why won't it work Dave? Why would it work less than this site?! It's a site for people exactly like you ! (And me, and many others)You haven't even tried it yet. You've exhausted this site with looking for people to meet with and it's time to try a dedicated site where people are actively wanting to meet others. What I'm saying is, try putting less energy into this site and more energy into a site like Meet Up! And don't write it off before you've tried it. guess what - a lot of the people I met had anxiety and other mental health issues. Go on - try it and report back ! Stop making excuses- I'm being harsh with you now, as I've tried to help you in the past but it's fallen on deaf ears. Because of my recent negativity so there is no need to be harsh really :)So ok are you saying these ppl on there have MH issues too? Ok I will give it a go. Cheers
---------- Post added at 15:04 ---------- Previous post was at 15:03 ----------
Hey! Cath is a happily married woman! :biggrin: Terry Your mind eh it's working over time here:whistles: Cheers
ServerError
21-05-17, 18:20
Meetup looks like a great site. I'll be giving it a go!
Hi Bee Think you are right on this and I don't want to be here posting about the same problem again and again. Sometimes ppl have to push them selves and say what the worst that can happen if I got to a meet? You have to step out of your comfort zone to start your recovery!! And thank you for your comments too it's appreciated :) Cheers
Yes my avoidance needs to be avoided! Would you ever start a meetup on meetup.com?
Carrie8484
21-05-17, 19:43
Yes my avoidance needs to be avoided! Would you ever start a meetup on meetup.com?
I don't think he will because i've spoken to him about it before. it costs money in subscription fees to set up a group (about £12-£15 a month). However, i did and it worked wonders. but he could join for free and get involved with existing groups. There's lots of people with MH issues on meet up even if they aren't all shouting it from the rooftops initially.
I don't think he will because i've spoken to him about it before. it costs money in subscription fees to set up a group (about £12-£15 a month). However, i did and it worked wonders. but he could join for free and get involved with existing groups. There's lots of people with MH issues on meet up even if they aren't all shouting it from the rooftops initially. I literary cant afford to set a group up I am on a low wage and have my own house to run and keep a dog! So its not possible. Cheers
Carrie8484
21-05-17, 22:03
I literary cant afford to set a group up I am on a low wage and have my own house to run and keep a dog! So its not possible. Cheers
Ok so join for free and have a look At some of the existing groups in your area, look at the link I sent a few pages back.
Or
Halve the amount of fags you smoke and you'd easily afford it ;)
ServerError
21-05-17, 22:10
Halve the amount of fags you smoke and you'd easily afford it ;)
Always seems to be the absolute last thing people give up or cut down on when struggling. My friend helps out in a food bank and sees people puffing away outside before going in to get free food. Not judging - it just shows the remarkable power the evil things have over people.
I'm very good at organising things, i'd consider starting up a meet up group for NMP members in and around London. If anyone is interested let me know. I'm not the most confident person (a bit socially anxious ) but I'm getting to the stage where I don't give a s**t😊. If anyone is interested let me know👍
bottleblond
21-05-17, 22:27
Good for you Barry.
There have been many successful met-ups on NMP over the years. I really wish the gallery was still there to show you all.
Good luck with it. :yesyes:
Ok so join for free and have a look At some of the existing groups in your area, look at the link I sent a few pages back.
Or
Halve the amount of fags you smoke and you'd easily afford it ;) I have had a look at the site! As for the other you make it sound really easy just to give up. and before any one says have I tried patches, gum etc yes I have they don't work for me. Smoking is very addictive just like drinking and gambling. but there is real help for those sufferers in the form of these anonymous groups basically there's no support group for smoking, I am thinking of filling the gap but maybe starting a group based along the AA/GA/OA etc format. Get a room etc. So that will be a plan. Cheers
Carrie8484
22-05-17, 11:29
I have had a look at the site! As for the other you make it sound really easy just to give up. and before any one says have I tried patches, gum etc yes I have they don't work for me. Smoking is very addictive just like drinking and gambling. but there is real help for those sufferers in the form of these anonymous groups basically there's no support group for smoking, I am thinking of filling the gap but maybe starting a group based along the AA/GA/OA etc format. Get a room etc. So that will be a plan. Cheers
Dave, I didn't say give up.
You smoke 100 a day right?
If you could back to 70 a day,(spread the time out a little more between smokes) that's saving £3 a day?
3x7= £21 a week you could be saving !
And you'd afford to start your own specific meet up group as well as other things for yourself.
It's not easy giving up any addiction, I know that.
But 100 fags a day can be reduced , no excuses at all.
Dave, I didn't say give up.
You smoke 100 a day right?
If you could back to 70 a day,(spread the time out a little more between smokes) that's saving £3 a day?
3x7= £21 a week you could be saving !
And you'd afford to start your own specific meet up group as well as other things for yourself.
It's not easy giving up any addiction, I know that.
But 100 fags a day can be reduced , no excuses at all. Sure but I was a heavy gambler and a big Over eater too both very addictive If I could have cut back on those things years ago great but I couldn't It's like I am in contact with some one who has a big problem with over eating I have tried so hard to help them in this and the addiction has took over them. Sure it's not easy, but you make it sound so easy and it's not if it was I would have cracked my smoking by now, I do need to address it very much so but it just doesnt work like that, oh cut down to 20 a day it's not as simple as that. it's like saying to a compulsive gambler oh just do 2 bets a day/week it doesn't happen I know I have been there and got the 'T' shirt! Thanks though :)
---------- Post added at 11:48 ---------- Previous post was at 11:44 ----------
Barry boy I wish you every success in this new group, just wished I lived nearer to it I would have been interested in this my self, good luck mate :) Cheers
Carrie8484
22-05-17, 11:50
Sure but I was a heavy gambler and a big Over eater too both very addictive If I could have cut back on those things years ago great but I couldn't It's like I am in contact with some one who has a big problem with over eating I have tried so hard to help them in this and the addiction has took over them. Sure it's not easy, but you make it sound so easy and it's not if it was I would have cracked my smoking by now, I do need to address it very much so but it just doesnt work like that, oh cut down to 20 a day it's not as simple as that. it's like saying to a compulsive gambler oh just do 2 bets a day/week it doesn't happen I know I have been there and got the 'T' shirt! Thanks though :)
I said cut down to 70 a day. Not 20. Show me where I said cut down to 20 a day??!
Cut down from 100 cigarettes to 70 a day.
Not 20.
You can do that, Dave. You will keep making excuses , but you can , if you motivate yourself (i.e. Stop being so blOody lazy about it)
I'm being cruel to be kind.
Last message now as I know you won't listen at all to any of my advice. Which is a shame because I have been in the depths of lonliness too.
Hi BB
I'm with Carrie here. You can do it
akb
I brought this up when I first heard you smoked 100 cigs a day. Besides the foul smell (I can't stand to be around a smoker and I used to smoke!) and health risks (100 a day WILL cause you serious health risks!), there's the cost as well as time spent. An average cig takes 6 minutes to smoke. Times that by 100 and you've spent 600 minutes or 10 HOURS of your day smoking! To do so you'd also have to pretty much chain smoke! That leave's little or no time for anything else! As Carrie is saying cutting back needs to be in your plans if you want to be able to get your gear shift back into drive again.
Sadly however, besides the challenge that presents, your responses show no desire to make the required changes. All of a sudden, after all the months, you mention you have/had an overeating and gambling issue along with the hoarding and smoking issues? There seems to be a lot more than meets the eye going on.
Perhaps as opposed to social groups and meetings and such, you divert all your energy and resources to professional mental health care to help you overcome some of the adversities bogging you down? One of the things I learned in my life about loneliness was when I finally felt comfortable with who I was, I didn't feel "lonely" and was comfortable being alone. To this day, I like to have my "alone" time.
Wishing you forward progress and as always...
Positive thoughts
I hear you all on this! I would still be gambling to this day and still be over eating too if it wasn't for the support of those dedicated 'support' groups they were my life line and am so great full for those groups!! Sure FIshmanpa I do like my me time, but I have too much of it for a hermit life style it's excellent, but it's not me. So I am going to try and get a support group going for smokers who like me want to stop I think this is commendable on my part, wether any one else agrees is onther story. Try and see it from my point of view that's all I am asking :) Thank you
I hear you all on this! I would still be gambling to this day and still be over eating too if it wasn't for the support of those dedicated 'support' groups they were my life line and am so great full for those groups!! Sure FIshmanpa I do like my me time, but I have too much of it for a hermit life style it's excellent, but it's not me. So I am going to try and get a support group going for smokers who like me want to stop I think this is commendable on my part, wether any one else agrees is onther story. Try and see it from my point of view that's all I am asking :) Thank you
Dave, yes, it is commendable and I see your point. However, you said in an earlier post you cannot start a group because of financial challenges. There are groups out there for most of what ails you. Why not join one and use the resources you might have spent on helping yourself? Just saying....
Positive thoughts
How about keeping a diary of every interaction you have with people and sharing it with us for a week?
Are you really putting yourself out there often enough?
As always the onus is on you to make your dreams happen. Other people only play a small part and are unreliable. We can only help by giving words of advice and support.
Stopping smoking or joining a support group would be a great start.
Dave, yes, it is commendable and I see your point. However, you said in an earlier post you cannot start a group because of financial challenges. There are groups out there for most of what ails you. Why not join one and use the resources you might have spent on helping yourself? Just saying....
Positive thoughts Thanks and that's one group I wont be setting up I have other avenues to explore would you believe via the Fire Service I didn't but when they came to my house to change my smoke detectors they mentioned other services they now provide so have got on board with that so all is not lost. They even give out free 4 way extension leads to those ppl that have those adaptor style plugs that can over load the wiring and can cause fires I have one adaptor in the living room like this and they a visiting me again to give me a proper extension lead. My Changes group may also have facilities to help me get a smoking group set up there is deffinately a need for this in my area. 9 years ago there was such a group which was closed down due to lack of funding via the PCT in my area. So like I said there are other avenues still to explore which I am pursuing. Cheers
---------- Post added at 13:46 ---------- Previous post was at 13:39 ----------
How about keeping a diary of every interaction you have with people and sharing it with us for a week?
Are you really putting yourself out there often enough?
As always the onus is on you to make your dreams happen. Other people only play a small part and are unreliable. We can only help by giving words of advice and support.
Stopping smoking or joining a support group would be a great start.
Yes I could do this and already go to a local Peer Support Group once a week so may be not enough on that. Agreed on what you say I know you all mean well too, so appreciate this :) Cheers I will get there by hook or crook as the saying goes! Cheers
Could you apply the same logic that you used to give up overeating? I use diaries successfully for other things. The diary is a good idea if I filled one in about interactions, I'd personally have barely anything!
I always remembered a talk where someone said "of course he doesn't wanna spend the evening with me, I don't wanna spend the evening with me." It's true that we need to like our own company first and have stuff going on in our lives so we can relate well. I think you'll do this smoking thing eventually, you've overcome the overeating which I currently struggle with and that is damn hard to get away from.
Could you apply the same logic that you used to give up overeating? I use diaries successfully for other things. The diary is a good idea if I filled one in about interactions, I'd personally have barely anything!
I always remembered a talk where someone said "of course he doesn't wanna spend the evening with me, I don't wanna spend the evening with me." It's true that we need to like our own company first and have stuff going on in our lives so we can relate well. I think you'll do this smoking thing eventually, you've overcome the overeating which I currently struggle with and that is damn hard to get away from. I could via a group tailored to this type of addiction :) It's like no use going to a GA Meeting if you are overeater and vice versa this makes sense to me Yes I will crack it eventually for sure.
And I only over come my over eating because I joined a group specifically for this :) And not swinging it around to you but if you are having problems in the same area as I did have a look in your area of a OE Anonymous group they are brilliant and do work :) And on that note it's a lovely sunny day so taking my best friend out (my dog) for a long walk!! Cheers
I could via a group tailored to this type of addiction :) It's like no use going to a GA Meeting if you are overeater and vice versa this makes sense to me Yes I will crack it eventually for sure.
And I only over come my over eating because I joined a group specifically for this :) And not swinging it around to you but if you are having problems in the same area as I did have a look in your area of a OE Anonymous group they are brilliant and do work :) And on that note it's a lovely sunny day so taking my best friend out (my dog) for a long walk!! Cheers
So the steps to recovery are different depending on the addiction? I thought it would be the same formula. You're right. I need to stop this thing so bad. I have lost 12 pounds, almost a stone since November so I'm doing something right but I'm still 1 stone away.
If I'm honest, even at this point I'm at, I feel so vulnerable about getting through this. It's emotional eating and I'm a bit wussy about confronting any pain that may be underneath the impulsive food binges. Do you maybe feel similar with the smoking at all?
I went for a walk its warm and sunny so I couldn't resist it. That's sweet that your dog is your best friend, animals love us unconditionally.
MyNameIsTerry
22-05-17, 15:00
There's a difference between mental health disorders and smoking, Dave. People give up smoking all the time, me included years ago, resolving a complex disorder is a far greater challenge. I would reconsider how you compare them because I doubt many sufferers would agree and they may consider the comparison distasteful. As an OCD sufferer, I see no comparison between the two. Giving up smoking was easy for me, I wasn't very reliant on it, and my dad eventually did it too after a possible other cancer scare saw him sitting in a cancer referral unit at the hospital with other worried people. But try giving up smoking or anxiety/depression, I know which I would pick as my mental health issues have caused so much to be lost in my life.
Of course it can also be argued that there is addictive or compulsive behaviour involved, rather than basic smoking addiction, and this is something where it becomes a mental health issue again so is more than smoking as it becomes another crutch.
Did you increase your smoking as you gave up the others?
Just a note - Dave has been mentioning beating overeating for ages on threads as he has been recommending groups like OE to others. Gambling too, I think.
Could you switch to vaping? Not a solution as I suspect a heavy smoker will be on it all day long so may even increase volume but it's surely cheaper and much healthier?
The NHS is always chucking money at smoking, where is the mental health support by comparison? Smokers get nurse support, doctors willing to help them, a stark contrast to waiting months for any help with mental health issues. Smoking is a higher priority issue for the NHS and easily more high profile.
Have you been offered Bupropion? Isn't a useful one for depression I understand but it's so expensive it's only licenced for smoking cessation.
Another member on here, gregcool, struggled quiting smoking because of his anxiety but found switching to vaping much easier. It is bound to be a greater challenge alongside existing mental health issues.
I think the e cigs would be a good idea. I know somebody who has tried for years to give up smoking completely but can't. They've switched to e cigs though and haven't had a proper cigarette since. Loads cheaper too and lots of 'flavours' you can try.
As Terry suggested did your smoking increase when your other addictions improved?
So the steps to recovery are different depending on the addiction? I thought it would be the same formula. You're right. I need to stop this thing so bad. I have lost 12 pounds, almost a stone since November so I'm doing something right but I'm still 1 stone away.
If I'm honest, even at this point I'm at, I feel so vulnerable about getting through this. It's emotional eating and I'm a bit wussy about confronting any pain that may be underneath the impulsive food binges. Do you maybe feel similar with the smoking at all?
I went for a walk its warm and sunny so I couldn't resist it. That's sweet that your dog is your best friend, animals love us unconditionally. Yes while some it's the same other things aren't that's why there are many anonymous groups there if that makes sense. I was the same Over Eating did comfort me to shut out the pain of my other problems, but now I see it actually creates other problems, years ago if some one had said this over eating is causing you other problems I would have flatly denied this statement, I know different now, So it's worth looking in to! Yes its the same, for my smoking now. It is nice and it's good :) but it doesn't completely fill the gap but does help. Yes I may even get another dog one day when she passes by which is a long time way :) Cheers
MyNameIsTerry
22-05-17, 15:22
Are Quit51 available in SOT? What do they do?
There's a difference between mental health disorders and smoking, Dave. People give up smoking all the time, me included years ago, resolving a complex disorder is a far greater challenge. I would reconsider how you compare them because I doubt many sufferers would agree and they may consider the comparison distasteful. As an OCD sufferer, I see no comparison between the two. Giving up smoking was easy for me, I wasn't very reliant on it, and my dad eventually did it too after a possible other cancer scare saw him sitting in a cancer referral unit at the hospital with other worried people. But try giving up smoking or anxiety/depression, I know which I would pick as my mental health issues have caused so much to be lost in my life.
Of course it can also be argued that there is addictive or compulsive behaviour involved, rather than basic smoking addiction, and this is something where it becomes a mental health issue again so is more than smoking as it becomes another crutch.
Did you increase your smoking as you gave up the others?
Just a note - Dave has been mentioning beating overeating for ages on threads as he has been recommending groups like OE to others. Gambling too, I think.
Could you switch to vaping? Not a solution as I suspect a heavy smoker will be on it all day long so may even increase volume but it's surely cheaper and much healthier?
The NHS is always chucking money at smoking, where is the mental health support by comparison? Smokers get nurse support, doctors willing to help them, a stark contrast to waiting months for any help with mental health issues. Smoking is a higher priority issue for the NHS and easily more high profile.
Have you been offered Bupropion? Isn't a useful one for depression I understand but it's so expensive it's only licenced for smoking cessation.
Another member on here, gregcool, struggled quiting smoking because of his anxiety but found switching to vaping much easier. It is bound to be a greater challenge alongside existing mental health issues. Terry
of course there is a difference and I don't agrue about that :) Smoking is very addictive too which I am sure you know, but to say one treatment fits all ppl isn't correct I have tried patches, gum and one to one counselling |f something is working you look else where. Stoke did apparently did have a smoking group many years ago but again lack of funding prevented it from carrying on. Birmingham has a group so I have been told It's about choices of treatments being made available I certainly hope it's not distasteful and feel a group scenario would help me why should it GA did and so did OA to (never thought there was such a group) but some one years ago said there was and there was no if's or but's I went along and knowing it worked along the lines of GA I gave it a go and it worked :) So I think hand on heart I know what's best for me If there was a group n Stoke I would be straight down there no doubt in my mind! Actually I do have a vape but it's not the same as rolling one or lighting one up( another possible MH condition there?) but could certainly try using it again.As for Bupropion my dr wont prescribe it due to my depression! As for smoking more since my other addictions were sorted no not until recently where it has increased! Thank you for your comments though. Cheers
---------- Post added at 15:50 ---------- Previous post was at 15:36 ----------
Are Quit51 available in SOT? What do they do? I have never heard of them Terry! I presume they are a organisation to help you to quit Judging by the name :) but know nothing about them! Cheers
MyNameIsTerry
22-05-17, 15:53
People give up smoking in droves each year. They do Stoptober. How many people just give up mental health issues for a month or go cold turkey for a few months and come out the other side?
If smoking is a part of someone's mental health issue, I can understand it being a different situation but for the rest of the smokers I wouldn't agree, I would be harsh with them about it as I don't recall too many smokers needing long periods of therapy to address the root causes of legitimate mental health disorders and I don't see WHO having it in their manual alongside them. By harsh, I mean if someone with no mental health problems came on here and told us they had the same challenges I would be telling them to Foxtrot Oscar and go & read about mental health :winks:
If you have replaced one crutch with another, it makes sense that the root cause is still there driving get it. And obviously quitting on top of existing mental health problems is a much bigger challenge than quitting alone.
Whilst I know you would get straight into a group, the work is still yours. So, can you come up with a plan and then use the Changes groups as your outlet & real life support mechanism? The guys at Changes who also go to AA or other groups find they overlap in their challenges, from my limited experience of meeting a couple.
People give up smoking in droves each year. They do Stoptober. How many people just give up mental health issues for a month or go cold turkey for a few months and come out the other side?
If smoking is a part of someone's mental health issue, I can understand it being a different situation but for the rest of the smokers I wouldn't agree, I would be harsh with them about it as I don't recall too many smokers needing long periods of therapy to address the root causes of legitimate mental health disorders and I don't see WHO having it in their manual alongside them. By harsh, I mean if someone with no mental health problems came on here and told us they had the same challenges I would be telling them to Foxtrot Oscar and go & read about mental health :winks:
If you have replaced one crutch with another, it makes sense that the root cause is still there driving get it. And obviously quitting on top of existing mental health problems is a much bigger challenge than quitting alone.
Whilst I know you would get straight into a group, the work is still yours. So, can you come up with a plan and then use the Changes groups are your outlet & real life support mechanism? The guys at Changes who also go to AA or other groups find they overlap in their challenges, from my limited experience of meeting a couple. Yes I actually see this and for me I do have MH conditions so it's harder for me r than joe blogs that hasn't got a underlying MH condition. Of course it is and I put the work in to it at the GA Meetings on OA Meetings so no problem there :) When I go to changes this week iam going to ask about setting up a possible quit smoking group and may even run it my self as another member has set up another group regarding something else but you have to have a CRB check and I have no problem with that either! So plenty of oppurtunities out there really. Did you find out what Quit51 is all about any links on them Cheers
MyNameIsTerry
22-05-17, 16:18
That sounds like a possibility. By linking it to a funded charity they can help with the meeting rooms and any set up.
As I left they were adding groups for care workers, the elderly and armed forces.
Quit51 seems to offer group support as well as other services. It's not very clear on their site so it would be best to mail them. I can see job ads in SOT for them as well as current employees advertising themselves. What I can't see on the main site is whether this is a private paid service.
They just came up on Google.
That sounds like a possibility. By linking it to a funded charity they can help with the meeting rooms and any set up.
As I left they were adding groups for care workers, the elderly and armed forces.
Quit51 seems to offer group support as well as other services. It's not very clear on their site so it would be best to mail them. I can see job ads in SOT for them as well as current employees advertising themselves. What I can't see on the main site is whether this is a private paid service.
They just came up on Google.Something to explore further! Hmm it may be something you have to pay for but will look at Quit51 I presume is a .co.uk or .com domain. Edit Had a look at www.quit51.co.uk (http://www.quit51.co.uk) and it looks as though it is free totally and they quote they offer one to one and groups but couldn't see much on the group therapy though. the one to ones can be offered at a either a community hall, dr's surgery etc couldn't see much about the group therapy though but there is a telephone number for them so going to call them Cheers
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