View Full Version : Entering & ordering at cafes, restaurants, pubs, bistros
Hello
I get very anxious about entering and ordering at public eating places. So, whats so anxiety inducing? Well, I have a very strong fear of humiliation and I for some reason just cannot get my head around the rules on sitting and ordering, eg, How do I know if:
I just choose a spare table and sit down?
I wait to be asked if I want a table?
I go to the counter and order, then sit down?
I go to the counter, order food, wait for food on tray, then sit down?
I sit down, then order via a waiter?
I sit down, look at menu, then order at counter and wait for food to be brought?
I sit down, look at menu, then order at counter and pick up from counter?
Please please could someone lay down some rules I could follow?? :bighug1:
The other day I forced myself to go into a nice trendy looking cafe on my own. It was very full and a few people were hanging back from the counter. It tuned out that you ordered at the counter, took drinks to your table yourself, then a waitress brought food over, but you could order more via the waitress.... so confusing to me?! (I am a tad aspergic but only by my own diagnosis). Oh, and it turned out the people hanging back were waiting fro orders to take away (I thought they were waiting for a tables).
Then to make me feel all the more small a confident young man and his gf pulled up in a flash car, walked in, said loudly and clearly, could they have a table, and were whisked over to one - did they order from there?? I;ve no idea! :shrug:
If it's not apparent, why not just ask? :shrug:
Positive thoughts
This is an anxiety forum isn't it? I missed the bit where it says 'pull yourself together'' lol !
This is an anxiety forum isn't it? I missed the bit where it says 'pull yourself together'' lol !
I didn't say that at all! In most places, it's apparent. Someone greets you or there's a sign that says "Order Here" etc. Now... if there's a big "Order Here" sign and you ask? Yeah, that would be somewhat humiliating, otherwise, it sounds more like a social interaction issue not a fear of being humiliated. OR... you could always call and ask beforehand. Similar to posting on an anxiety forum. No face, no name, no risk.
Positive thoughts and a mocha latte please!
I didn't say that at all! In most places, it's apparent. Someone greets you or there's a sign that says "Order Here" etc. Now... if there's a big "Order Here" sign and you ask? Yeah, that would be somewhat humiliating, otherwise, it sounds more like a social interaction issue not a fear of being humiliated. OR... you could always call and ask beforehand. Similar to posting on an anxiety forum. No face, no name, no risk.
Positive thoughts and a mocha latte please!
You are in US, it's different kettle of fish in UK. Not usual to be greeted or have a sign up.
No, if I say I have a fear of being humiliated it is becasue I have a fear of being humiliated and not becasue I haven't realised I can't interact with people.
snowghost57
23-05-17, 17:37
Well it might be different in the UK but I'm sure there must be some sort of sign such as "place order here" or "please seat yourself" If not why not look up the restaurant on the internet and see what kind of seating there is? Or just ask! There is no harm in asking, they are servers, that's their JOB to please the customer and that is you!
Well it might be different in the UK but I'm sure there must be some sort of sign such as "place order here" or "please seat yourself" If not why not look up the restaurant on the internet and see what kind of seating there is? Or just ask! There is no harm in asking, they are servers, that's their JOB to please the customer and that is you!
I was going to say that. Since it's not a social interaction issue, what are the chances of a food service worker risking the chance of losing their job to publicly humiliate someone for asking a simple question?
Positive thoughts
You are in US, it's different kettle of fish in UK. Not usual to be greeted or have a sign up.
No, if I say I have a fear of being humiliated it is becasue I have a fear of being humiliated and not becasue I haven't realised I can't interact with people.
One of my best friends and I went to various places in the UK (she has family over there) and I can tell you that we did have several "culture shock" moments where a similar thing happened. Thankfully the first time we were with her cousin and her husband, and they knew what to do. We were seated and then they went up to the bar to order. :)
We have a handful of restaurants like that around here and I agree, it's awkward. It's funny: I was totally nervous about what to do abroad, but if the sign isn't posted here I'm totally comfortable asking. I feel less like a tourist I guess. :doh: But if the information isn't clearly displayed, you certainly aren't the first person to ask what you need to do. I'm sure they get asked that all the time!
Would it make you feel better to start out by watching others come in and seeing what they do?
I know here that if there's a bar, it's usually open seating so when in doubt, you can always sit at the bar and order. If it is like that where you are, could you start by always seating yourself at bars until you get more comfortable?
Clydesdale Epona
24-05-17, 01:14
The best thing i did was look up their facebook page, leaflet, or website. got a list of everything they served and more info etc. i make sure to go in when its packed so i can observe how others do it where to order, how to, etc. and if it comes to the worse just ask if you're unsure. that's why i have a Chinese, Indian, Kebab, chippy, and two cafes i trust and know and i just go to them because i know how it works. also you could try bringing someone along with you first time and observe how they order, i always take my partner to new places first and get them to order everything x
All the best :hugs:
Thanks for the last 2 posts, I will try that. I am a little disappointed in some of the other responses though. This is a forum for people with anxiety or panic issues yes? If you don't understand or think that someone elses fear is trivial then don't bother replying.
It may be a USA thing though as I've been there and eating out was much simpler. Staff are more attentive and the 'rules' are usually clear - apart from signing credit card bills (hello 1980s again ! :)).
In the UK there are so many different styles of ordering at cafes and bistros it is a minefield if you are shy, anxious and not good at controlling that fear. Once I know what the deal is then I can go back again and all will be well. it's the fear of the unknown and not looking like an idiot that is anxiety inducing.
I can understand this. I'm from the north east and there is never signs or people greeting you when you come in in order for you to know what the protocol is for that particular place. I don't go alone though so never have to ask myself.
There have been some great suggestions, is it possible you could go to a new place with somebody and get them to ask, then for future lone visits you would know what way it works?
Good on you that you are able to eat out alone still though.
Actually some places will 'greet' you on arrival like eat all you can places for a fixed price so when they greet you, you say table for 1 or more then they show you to a table each table with have a number on it or a paddle with the table number. on it. they wont come to you for your order you just go up and serve your self :) Agree it can be a mine field as each place is different on how they do things! HTH some what Cheers
Yes bigboy I have had that experience with all you can eat (which I love ha). Also pubs from my experience usually involve getting your own seat and as you say there's a number on the table or paddle and you go up and get served. It's usually restaurants that come to your table for you. But I can understand the worry it may cause some people especially if it's busy as you'd worry in case you took a reserved seat (although they usually have a reserved sign on them too).
You seem to have associated the fear of "humiliation" with a social situation which would never cause it.
Play out a scenario...
You're meant to find a table first and get a table number, then order food at the bar. You go straight to the bar and order, and they ask you for a number.. but you don't have one yet......
Now... they are in the business of making you feel comfortable, and happy, so they say.... "OK, well table 28 is free... so you can sit there.... we'll bring it over."
There is no scenario where you will be humiliated. It just doesn't happen.
In general, if you are to be shown a table someone will greet you at the door, or there will be a sign to acknowledge that you wait to be seated.
If there is no-one to greet you and the tables are numbered and have menus on them, sit down and find a table and approach the bar with your order and table number.
If its not apparent, put the onus on them by asking a question.
"Excuse me, do we get a table and order at the bar?"
It is their duty to make sure you have a positive experience, and if they do not achieve that because of confusion over the protocol, then its a shitty restaurant and not your fault.
Two steps to defeating these kinds of situations:
Take ownership of the situation and be assertive.
Become an expert in the rules.
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