Sexual exploration with younger sibling? Causing me depression and anxiety

[Ameilia432]

Ok, before I start I would like people to keep an open mind when reading this post as it has been causing me so much guilt and shame but I just want to make sure that I'm not alone in what I have done
Basically, it all started when I was around 11 and my little sister was around 9 (I'm a girl btw) and we would basically start kissing and heavy petting under bed covers and stuff like that. Then after being introduced into porn and other sexual programmes online, I would show them to my little sis and ask if we could 'act' them out, it didnt involve objets or insertion of anything btw. This kinda grew into us pretending we were boyfriend and girlfriend and doing 'things adults do' like sex, it wouldnt get that far but it was pretty close. I guess looking back I thought it was right to my little sister porn, obviously it isn't as I know that now,and to act that way towards her. This stopped when I was around 13 as a I realised that it was wrong and disgusting so we just stopped and grew I put of it I suppose?
I wanted to know if this would be classed as exploration or abuse or whatever because I even looked online and 98% say it's abuse
I never forced or threatened or beat my sister to do anything we did we dominated her but I'm getting really scared that this is classed as 'sibling sexual abuse'. I even went to my little sister the other day and apologised and asked for forgiveness and she said 'sorry' too and accepts my apology, she seemed very uncomfortable when it was brought up though. I was literally thinking of killing myself numerous times because I feel like I've stolen her innocence by doing x, y and z to her. I'm older now and I know that that stuff was wrong but at the time it just seemed like harmless fun we did by ourselves.
Also, I've been having a lot of sexuality related anxiety because of it and as all my 'experiences/explorations' have been with girls my age and kissing them I've wondered whether I am gay or just bisexual, as I do want to have relationship and sex with boys yet I've already 'done stuff' with girls l.
I hope that there is somebody that can shed some light on this because I feel so much guilt and shame. I'm getting h depressed and anxiety as a result, particularly h around boys as I feel like I need to be inexperienced and stuff to go out with them. Is this classed as incest or molestation?

I just want peace with what has happened so I can move forward with myself

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi and welcome to NMP :welcome:

There have been a few threads like this that I have seen and in each one we link to what the NSPCC say about this. Forget the 98% online stuff by the anonymous and read what is healthy sexual behavior. They also explain what a parent should see as a potential issue.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/healthy-sexual-behaviour-children-young-people/

So, after reading that what do you now think?

[ankietyjoe]

I think as children it's natural to explore, it's natural to not be aware of boundaries and also very natural to not be aware of sexuality and what it means.

As you have grown older and learned more about it's meaning, you have decided that it's not appropriate.

Sexual abuse is as much about power, manipulation and dominance as it is the sexual act itself. It doesn't sound to me like this is what you were doing.

You have been open with your Sister about this, and she seems to be 'ok' with what has happened. There doesn't seem to be any lasting damage done.

Whether you're gay/bisexual or not is of no consequence as far as I can tell.

One of the most important points in your post is that you asked for consent. You could of course argue that your Sister was too young to understand what was being asked of her, but then so were you.

This isn't something that has continued or lasted into teenage years.

I'm not qualified to to offer you a classification of the acts that took place between yourselves, I'm only offering advice from an outsiders perspective.

As long as the two of you are open and frank about what happened, I would try and move on with your lives and let it be.

[Ameilia432]

Thanks for the replies! I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted after getting it off my chest.
However, would you say that continued 'sexual' experiences with girls would indicate my sexuality. There was one time when I tried to kiss my girl friend after I wanted to show her what I saw in school (I saw some girls kissing) we didn't kiss in the end a selfie she said 'no', another involved me and my childhood friend kissing when we had a sleepovers and I kinda wanted to keep kissing her afterwards but it didn't really evolve into anything after that, we're still friends actually. Another involved me and another childhood friend being 'boyfriend and girlfriend' and kissing and stuff.
It's kinda struck me that I was always the boy becauSe I had very short hair and was very skinny and very shy. I kinda liked kissing the girls cus they had soft lips and it was fun lol but this all stopped by the time I was 11/12?
What do you think?

[ana]

The people above have kindly stated that your sexual behaviour when you were younger was just exploration out of curiosity, and not molestation out of malice. It is interesting, however, that you have always been more drawn to girls and have wanted to engage in sexual behaviours with them which may (or may not, I'm no expert!) indicate your sexual orientation is homosexual or bisexual. If you still get sexual urges and thoughts about females rather (or more) than males, perhaps that might be worth looking into and exploring?

[nikkinik]

I just wonder if the thing with your sister has put you off the idea you do like girls..? I wouldn't let what you did as a child put you off (if it does at all).
I'm 37, married and I never did explore my feelings.. There's been quite a few women I've found attractive but never taken it any further out of fear to be honest, too busy thinking about the ramifications and worrying about everyone else's feelings as opposed to my own and the other woman's.. now I'll never know.. You're not harming anyone by taking it further if you both consent to something, just let them know from the start if you're not sure perhaps. That way you're both setting off on the right foot :)

[ankietyjoe]

Just go with the flow really. Only you can decide who you find sexually attractive. I don't think it really matters if it's male/female/both. It might even change over time? I don't know! :)

[Ameilia432]

I just wonder if the thing with your sister has put you off the idea you do like girls..? I wouldn't let what you did as a child put you off (if it does at all).
I'm 37, married and I never did explore my feelings.. There's been quite a few women I've found attractive but never taken it any further out of fear to be honest, too busy thinking about the ramifications and worrying about everyone else's feelings as opposed to my own and the other woman's.. now I'll never know.. You're not harming anyone by taking it further if you both consent to something, just let them know from the start if you're not sure perhaps. That way you're both setting off on the right foot :)

I do wonder that sometimes as now that I am in my late teens, I dont see girls as somebody i could have a sexual relationship with? The act of putting my mouth/fingers near a vagina grosses me out more compared to doing the same with a penis. I feel like even tho I find girls hot and attractive, I mean it in a pretty/cute sense, not like the way I think of guys. Or like I look at girls boobs or ass cus it looks good and I'm jealous but that's it? Haha . I have most sexual urges and fantasies about boys and them doing x to mr and vice.versa, then I'm not sure if it's the porn in my head talking. honestly but it's just difficult trying to figure things out

[MyNameIsTerry]

It just sounds like natural exploration and the mixed emotions you get growing up. I'm straight but I've always been open minded and had fantasies involving men, or about women but with men involved, but in real life it doesn't occur to me that it's what I want.

You're still finding yourself so I think it's just your journey in growing up and as you age you will come to accept this naturally. Or maybe you will decide what is your preference. But either way, it's natural, it's nothing to be ashamed of or worried about.

As for the kissing, that can just be part of this process message if you look in that link you will see things like the showing of private parts. I can remember boys doing this together when young. It doesn't make you gay or bi.

But whatever you choose, and you will know as you are discovering what you like now, detach it from the events with your sister because you are worrying needlessly about that. Whoever that 98% online contradict the NSPCC, who are the more experienced. The NSPCC mention it's a warning sign when there is a difference between which sexual development group they are in, more that there is a bigger distance where one child is much more developed than the other - which wasn't you two, you were close in age/groups. Does that make sense?

[Ameilia432]

It does. I've read things online saying that an age gap of more than 3 years can be dangerous as that wasnt the case between us.
Thanks for the information :)

---------- Post added at 18:27 ---------- Previous post was at 15:26 ----------


The people above have kindly stated that your sexual behaviour when you were younger was just exploration out of curiosity, and not molestation out of malice. It is interesting, however, that you have always been more drawn to girls and have wanted to engage in sexual behaviours with them which may (or may not, I'm no expert!) indicate your sexual orientation is homosexual or bisexual. If you still get sexual urges and thoughts about females rather (or more) than males, perhaps that might be worth looking into and exploring?

Maybe I could think about it. I feel like I need to experiment with guys father than girls as I have already kissed them. Again the notion of eating and girl girl oral really puts me off compared to being with a guy. I do feel straight but i have an inkling I'm bicurious but I don't think I'm emotionally mature enough to have a sexual relationship with girls or boys tbh unless I decide to have a FWB thing

[Dave1]

Thanks for the NSPCC link, Terry - the 'Warning signs' panel shows Ameilia's behaviour wasn't anything to worry about. So you can rest easy there. So what else do you need to do to end the guilt? Maybe guilt has two purposes: 1. to make you put things right, 2. to make you change your behaviour in future. Well you've done No1 - you apologised (and it appears your sister just wants it to stay in the past), and No2 doesn't apply because you're adult now. So I would say you can forget about it completely now!!:)

[ana]

Maybe you should try and think of being with someone in terms of an emotional connection and experiencing fun things together like making each other laugh, watching films, going out for meals, etc., rather than focusing on the physical aspect of it which, in theory, may appear off-putting to you, but once the bond between two people is established, those things no longer feel gross. :)
There's nothing wrong with being bicurious and wanting to explore your sexuality. Saying that, if you don't feel ready for a relationship, then there is no need to rush things. Just wait till you start fancying someone, be it a boy or a girl, and spend time with them or go on a date and see where things go from there. There's no need to focus on the sex so much - just enjoy each other's company and do what feels right. :)