Husband doesn't seem to notice me..

[nikkinik]

For the most part I do ok with my anxiety, I still have massive social anxiety issues, but I know the rest has improved.
I have some health issues that my medication (amitryptlene) was helping for the past 5yrs, but that's stopped working and I'm slowly coming off it. I am wary of the anxiety I may feel later on when I'm on my own if you like as I know ill health does cause some anxiety in me. But on the whole I'd like to think I do ok.

I just don't know what's going on with my marriage. My husband says all the right things but he just doesn't seem to want me iykwim. It feels like empty words to placate me. I shouldn't let it all affect me but it does.
I'm 37 and we've been together 13 years and I just feel like he's bored of seeing me or something?! I could be standing in front of him in my underwear and he'd just carry on watching the tv.. Yet he'll notice any pretty woman within a 10 mile radius, just not me. I can't lie, it's that that makes me feel inadequate and kind of ugly if I'm honest.
I'm not Cindy Crawford by any stretch... I've lost some of my hair because of the health issues, I'm not in my early 20's anymore and I'm not about to get any younger either, so I can't compete with whomever he finds attractive. But I try to right all the things I feel could be better, for instance I've been working out for the last 1.5 years and my body is improving (albeit slowly), it's such hard work because I'm struggling health wise, but I don't miss a day if I can help it. I always try to look nice, I try to get a balance between just being comfy some days to making a special effort the rest (I don't want to try too hard iykwim)..

But he's told me everything has to be just so for him in order for him to come near me, meaning his ideal time for intimacy is a Saturday afternoon, and as we have a child together who on occasions stays with my Dad the odd Weekend that means we'll only be intimate twice a month.
I appreciate that's how he feels, I don't want to pressure him or make it into a situation but deep down it does affect me. Why do the conditions have to be just so to come near me, yet everyone else piques his interest no matter where we are.. I've just come to the conclusion I can't be attractive enough. Short of saving up for plastic surgery this is who I am :/
Sometimes Ive wondered if it would be easier being on my own, at least then I could probably accept me for me and not have to worry(!)

My husband will say he's " fat, old and bald" but I tell him I fancy him, I show him I do and in my eyes it doesn't matter what he looks like, I'll take him however he comes.. Don't get me wrong he's not depressed about his looks, we've both changed/got older, but that doesn't bother me about him.. Where as if ever I gain any weight (again, healthy vs ill health /flare up) he's been known to poke at my belly "look at that".. Yet I've never been bigger than a size 10!?

He doesn't have to do anything at home because he works longer hours than I do and I want him to feel that when he does get home he can chill out, enjoy his hobby or do whatever he likes and not have to worry if this or that needs doing.. Again, I try to strike the balance between showing I care and not coming off like his mum doing everything for everyone. The point is, I know there's no stress here as such..


I did nothing for a while, that made no difference.. Now I'm trying (and have been for the last 2 yrs) and that's made no difference either.

I don't know... :wacko:

[MyNameIsTerry]

What ever the problem is, it seems to be in his mind. At first I thought it might be how he feels about himself. I'm self conscious because of putting on weight when my GF is a larger lady and I always find her sexually attractive so it doesn't stop any of that for us.

Either that or just taking you for granted. Is he detached in other ways? Like everyday is just another day of chores to get through? And has he gone the way you describe rather than always being that way?

Many men look at other women and find them attractive but they have the common sense to make sure their partner doesn't see it so it's not hurting them. I think your husband needs to remember that. I'm sure most women know enough about us to know we can't stop our brains working that way, and they accept it, as we have to accept women find other men physically appealing. There's a big difference in ever doing anything though.

I looked at your profile. Please don't take offence but you are very attractive. And 37 is a prime age for a woman to many men. Many of us find a more mature woman far more appealing than a younger one. I've always considered women in their forties to be very attractive because they are more confident in a natural way. It's not just about their looks, which I think also get better with age.

It reminds me of a woman I worked with in her mid twenties. I was the same age. She used to joke that she could stand in front of the TV naked wearing just some leather high boots and he would look around her at the football. This staggered me, and still does now I'm 41! I can remember joking perhaps he would adopt a position that allowed him to watch the footie at the same time and we both laughed! :biggrin: She was absolutely stunning too with a great personality. If she had been inclined to have affairs, which she wasn't, then she would have had no trouble attracting a queue of men.

Most of us would be in trouble for pointing out a woman putting on weight. That ones in the unwritten book of how to be around women for men, and then there is the terrifying trap of "does my bum look big in this" that is guaranteed to strike fear in most of us! :sofa::winks: Anyway, we all age and he's no longer in his prime so we have to accept the same in our partners and does it really even matter? I'm not going to be attracting Nigella!

I'm crap at relationships so hopefully you will get some better responses but I do think you need to stop any negative thinking about yourself so you don't worsen your own mental health in the process of sorting this out because it's clearly about him rather than you.

[Catherine S]

I always remember reading about a couple who were watching a movie starring Julia Roberts who in one scene, was wearing a gorgeous slinky red dress, and the husband said to his wife, "why don't you wear a dress like that?" to which his wife replied, "When you turn into Brad Pitt I'll wear a red dress like Julia Roberts".

Some men seem to have the idea that women will fall at their feet just by winking at them or calling out to them in the street. Their sense of worth and egos make them think that even if they are only 5ft nothing with a beer stained t-shirt and front teeth missing, the gorgeous 6ft leggy blonde will swoon when he calls out "fancy a sh*g darlin'! That's just the way it is. Ok, alot of that is me stero-typing but you get my drift, but I think looking at other women while he's in your company is very disrespectfuL if he's making it obvious that's what he's doing, that would shatter any woman's self esteem.

All couples fall into a routine and yes it can become boring for both sides sometimes, but it shouldn't be all about the physical side. It's about being bezzie mates, having a laugh and supporting each other, sex is a bonus and shouldn't be the decider between a good relationship or a bad one, but it's difficult when one partner has a higher sex drive than the other. You seem to have accepted his 'Saturday afternoon only' rule, but why not any other time? Is he too tired most nights after your child is asleep for example?

Perhaps you need to sit down over a couple of drinks and have a good talk about everything, clear the air so to speak.

ISB ☺ x

[MyNameIsTerry]

Oy Cath, what's wrong with my beer soaked t shirt and chat up lines? :biggrin:...and how did you even know about them? :ohmy:

Now 5ft beer soaked bad chat up lines with a few million in the bank...:winks: (definite female stereotyping on my part there :buttkick::biggrin:)

[Catherine S]

You're right Terry, it certainly happens both ways...and wash that bloody t-shirt will you :ohmy: :D

ISB

[nikkinik]

Thank you for replying :) And for making me laugh!

It's not always been this way no.. The last two years it's become less and less till we're down to a Saturday, but over time it's dwindled on the whole. He was well into porn and that stuff right at the start, chatting to other women online, other women on dating sites.. Getting on messenger with some woman at work was the last thing he did that upset me - that was the height of my anxiety/agoraphobia so I feel to blame for that, he told me it was nothing, he didn't kiss her, just flirted, so I have no reason to be bothered (I digress!). Again, intimacy with me, probably not as much but we did have distance/miles between us back then. Has he ever been the type to want to rip my clothes off(!), probably not after the first few years, but he was enjoying porn and that stuff night and day (as far as I'm aware he's not doing that now).

Looks wise he has put on weight, he's never had hair, we're both 13 yrs older!

He's a good man, I don't think he's having an affair or anything like that, I'm just not sure if it's simply a case of he loves me but just doesn't fancy me anymore.. Which is hard because I know there's little more I can do beyond what I'm already doing.. Not than I can think of anyway. Which makes me wonder where that leaves me/us.

I've expressed my concern that he's gone off me, but he just tells me me "saying that doesn't help anything".. Then a Saturday will come around and he can use that as an example of him still liking me.

I enjoy being in his company of course, I just feel like it can be a battle. Sometimes between him and his phone/playing a game on it/watching YT, emailing etc etc. He spends all day with ppl at work, comes home, starts looking at stuff on eBay then emails his workmates about it.. He thinks that by touching my arm or my feet he's giving me attention at the same time and so I have no reason to be bothered? Maybe he's right?

Many a time I've made the effort only to come second to either of the above. Things start playing in your mind after a while..

I sound like a dog dropping a ball at his feet and hoping he'll endulge me or something!

I mentioned it bothering me a few times but he just began making out like he wasn't allowed to do anything, so I just accept it because for whatever reason that's what he wants at the end of his workdays, if it helps him unwind or whatever then I'd rather him be happy.
..But should a woman's voice come on the Tv, or any words spoken that relate to a woman he's straight there, stops what he's doing and has a look to see if she's pretty.. Where as I'm spending most nights going to bed feeling like there's another night wherev im near invisible. You'd think I'd learn,yet I feel like each night I'm still hoping he'll notice me. I can walk out the room only to come back to find he's stopped all the phone stuff to watch some woman on the tv undressing.. It's daftness, it really is, when I break it down/say it aloud I know it's stupid.. but I just end up wondering where I'm going wrong.

I've mentioned the lack of interest a few times, we talk about it.. He does say he's tired sometimes so I appreciate that.. I don't want to be swinging from the lampshade at midnight, just maybe the odd evening when our sons fast asleep (10:30pm maybe). He's worked from home a bit the last few weeks and he's mentioned we could be together then, I look forward to it but then it comes and goes and nothing comes of it (I don't want to stop him working, but if he can play a game on his phone, then...).
Again, he says the right things but there's little substance to it.

I do wonder, having got it all out on screen, that it's me that needs to change and accept that's the way he is with me/feels towards me rather than hope for more.


Thanks for letting me have a moan, it's nice to get it off my chest for the first time!