beatroon
24-05-17, 16:03
Hi everyone
It's been a couple of months since I was active on the site, because things were going well and selfishly I didn't want to reminded (in the way that you don't) of when things were bad. But now I'm having a blip and I wanted to check back in with everyone and ask for some advice.
Two things have caused me stress in the past couple of weeks. The first is that after a period of massive doubt in my relationship due to a big crush outside the relationship, I have now definitively said to my crush-friend that I can't be friends any more. It feels good to have made that move, because the guilt of all the weird emotions was eating away at me, and I know that cognitively I need to reconnect with my partner, who is 100% the one for me, my rock and my everything. But of course, it also feels sad and weird and destabilising, because said friend was a close one who in time came to mean too much, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss the input and social and emotional support.
The second thing is that I'm job-hunting. I have had two interviews, one of which I got and turned down (because the salary was not right and the commute would have been awful), and one of which I didn't get. What surprised me is how stressful I've found it all, contemplating change. At the moment I live a nice quiet life of doing my PhD from home, and although I do want a teaching job, getting right up close to it, I realised how stressful it would suddenly be to leap into a big career. I was properly panicking that I might get the second, more high-flying job, and was relieved when I didn't. I felt that I wouldn't cope. And yet, for the past few years, all I have been thinking is 'How great it'll be when I get a full-time academic post'! What is all that about? Is it just self-doubt or fear of change? Anyone else had any similar experiences?
All of this has accumulated into a proper anxiety blip - been tearful, wanting to hide at my parents' house, feeling very uncertain and worried about everything.
Sorry for the wall of text: it is just so hard when you are highly anxious to see the wood for the trees, and I guess I'm just looking for some encouragement and wise words from you folks!
X
It's been a couple of months since I was active on the site, because things were going well and selfishly I didn't want to reminded (in the way that you don't) of when things were bad. But now I'm having a blip and I wanted to check back in with everyone and ask for some advice.
Two things have caused me stress in the past couple of weeks. The first is that after a period of massive doubt in my relationship due to a big crush outside the relationship, I have now definitively said to my crush-friend that I can't be friends any more. It feels good to have made that move, because the guilt of all the weird emotions was eating away at me, and I know that cognitively I need to reconnect with my partner, who is 100% the one for me, my rock and my everything. But of course, it also feels sad and weird and destabilising, because said friend was a close one who in time came to mean too much, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss the input and social and emotional support.
The second thing is that I'm job-hunting. I have had two interviews, one of which I got and turned down (because the salary was not right and the commute would have been awful), and one of which I didn't get. What surprised me is how stressful I've found it all, contemplating change. At the moment I live a nice quiet life of doing my PhD from home, and although I do want a teaching job, getting right up close to it, I realised how stressful it would suddenly be to leap into a big career. I was properly panicking that I might get the second, more high-flying job, and was relieved when I didn't. I felt that I wouldn't cope. And yet, for the past few years, all I have been thinking is 'How great it'll be when I get a full-time academic post'! What is all that about? Is it just self-doubt or fear of change? Anyone else had any similar experiences?
All of this has accumulated into a proper anxiety blip - been tearful, wanting to hide at my parents' house, feeling very uncertain and worried about everything.
Sorry for the wall of text: it is just so hard when you are highly anxious to see the wood for the trees, and I guess I'm just looking for some encouragement and wise words from you folks!
X