View Full Version : smudgie needs a hug Updated 05/08
Hi all
Im feeling pretty upset and so afraid.
For those that know may situation you will know what I'm talking about.
My daughter has told me tonight that she hates me and that she we never forgive me for the overdose in December.
She said she cannot forgive and wont.
I beleive she is being selfish and not wanting to understand what lead me to the suicide, she says she has her own problems and I'm one of them because of the overdose.
She also was abused and wont except that I feel the same feelings and pain from being abused myself when I was a child. She is saying that thats in the past and it her turn now and I'm trying to say I know how you feel, thats not true, Ive never said that.
I have and always will love my daughter uncondional but she thinks she the only one with a problem.
I have a team of 6 people caring for me, cpn doctors etc and taking so many pills to stop my personality disorder that could kill me if i stopped because of bad feelings but she wont except that Im as ill as her and its all about her.
What she dosnt realise is and her dad has had to speak to her tonight that my condition as serious.
I self harm every day at present which is causing problems for us all, I even have the cloud over my head that i may have to go back to the unit again.
She said tonight she dosnt care about how Im feeling , its about her so why talk about my problems all the time. She said she is fed up hearing my hubby and me talking about it all the time.
Im breaking my heart and have just selfharmed in a big way and feel angry at myself that I have done it.
The guilt that I feel anyway is bad enough without her rubbing it in. She's 21 next week, and is taking over our lives, she has moved back in with us because of money but treats it like her own and will not respect my OCD which is through the roof.
Sorry its so long I needed to get it off my chest.
love
ness
yorkylover
06-05-07, 22:48
http://www.yourcoolprofile.com/Images/Hugs_And_Kisses/images/hugs-kisses--10.gif Im so sorry your feeling so low.Your daughter doesnt hate you,she is probably just finding things really hard at the moment.
She should respect the fact you have let her move back home.I can understand in some ways as we have had alot of problems with my brother.She is hurting as well,she nearly lost you and it is scareing her and she probably doesnt know any other way of coping with it all.:hugs:
Hi Ellen
Thank you for replying.
I know what you are saying, i keep saying it to myself, she is hurting to but Im not strong enough to be someones punch bag all the time and i cant do the healing stuff Im surposed to do daily because she is constantly having a go.
I would never do it but I feel like telling her to go.
I am supporting her with everything , paying £200 per month storage for her home contents and paying for hwer here and she will not do anything to help us.
my hubby has tried to tralk to her but im getting the blame for everything and its causing my situation to get worse. instead of two panic attacks aday that i got down to im now back to 4/6 per day.
IM GOING DOWN AGAIN AND I CANT STOIP IT
yorkylover
06-05-07, 23:11
I can fully understand,my parents had the same problem with my brother,in the end he had to be told to move out.We had counsellers involved and allsorts.Being that your a mum it is hard,my mum is the same.She would never tell my brother to leave.He was making her so ill.You need to think of yourself as well,if she cant appreciate your help and support and she making you worse,then she needs to move out.Does she not work?Stay strong Ness.
groovygranny
06-05-07, 23:19
Smudgie, take heart.....
...you love unconditionally......that will be enough for the both of you until your daughter finds her own peace in this....what a lucky girl she is to have a mum like you :flowers:
http://www.hugsetc.com/03/h/bearhug/bearhug.jpg
Like GG says, all we can do as mothers is love our children unconditionally and try to do our best, no matter what.
My daughter still blames me for destroying her life some days, but Ive had to learn to let it go, yes she is hurting badly inside too, and all I can do is listen and in time peace returns. I cant change whats happened and I live with reminders everyday (Im a former self-harmer) but Im still her mum and Im doing the best I can.
We are special people Ness and life maybe hasnt dealt us a very good hand but we didnt ask to be ill and we live each day to the best of our ability. Take time out for yourself, you deserve it.
Luv and hugs darkangel xx
Thank you all for your words of incouragement and support.
We have tried to sit today and sort out a few things, but she is so angry, I except that and dont take it the wrong way. I just cant cope with it beiing rubbed into my face day in day out, Im not well with all docs and hubby trying to get me on the straight and narrow and they are concerned about the amount of selfharm Im doing, I kmow its guilt but I cant tell her that as she says thats blackmail.
I need a break, Im going down and what will happen to me is back in the unit when I feel its not my fault. She dosnt realise what she is doing to me.
THANK YOU ALL
Take care
Nessx
Hi Ness, your situation is awful because both you and your daughter are hurting a lot. I am sure your overdose scared the living daylights out of her and she is putting up a wall between you and her to protect her should it happen again.
Is there any possibility that either your or your daugher could live elsewhere for a month or so to allow the dust to settle on this whole thing. Ness your really sound like you need taking care of. Could you talk to your gp/psychiatrist about getting some respite care for yoursefl for a little while?
big hugs to you and your family ((((smudgie)))
Love Eibhlin x
Sending you lots of big hugs Smudgie hun :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: xxx
Thank you for your support, Ive asked my daughter to saty at a friends for a while but she see's it as rejection so I cant win.
Me , I fighting to stay out of the unit, its not a helpful place and will make me worse which will then set off bad feelings.The way they deal with that is to slap a 6 months section on you which you dont deserve. Ive tried going away for a few days but when we return she is worse because she has had the place to herself and thinnks its hers which then she has a go at me about.
I thought things Ive been through in my life were bad enough but im stuck in a washing machine at the moment and dont know where to turn.
My hubby and I are so close and Im very lucky but its causing problems with us now because of her.
Its a no win situation here.
She is also a daddies girl so i think she is also jealous of the amount of time people and him are giving me at the mo. I even have a nurse at night to come in to give hubby a sleep incase i do anything in the night, its called the hometeam, last step before re addmitance.
Thank you
nessx
Hi Ness
How are you today?
It is so difficult when we have no-where to escape to. Its sounds like you are in a catch 22 situation. Having read your thread again, there are some positives you have written, so maybe you could try and focus on a few of those thoughts,"My hubby and I are so close and Im very lucky"
"We have tried to sit today and sort out a few things"
You have a team of people doing everything they can to keep you from being admitted - so that is another positive.
You are writing on here - another positive.
:hugs: Hugs to you
Luv darkangel x
aww HUGS xx
im sure your daughter didnt mean to act how she has, she is probably confused and hurt, she probably doesnt understand what your going threw.
focus on the positives xx
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Hi all
just blowing off again.
Well the decission has been made for me, she stays and Im now in the unit with my laptop thank god.
Im sent away for a rest away from everything that makes me happy, what is the sense in that.
ness
:hugs: thank you all for your hugs and support.
today is a bad day, I have depersonalised again and cannot ground, Im unhappy that Ive been put back in the unit here.
I just want a break:confused:
I feel so sad and lonely.
ness
Hi Ness
I'm so sorry to hear that you feel so distressed. I can empathise with what it is like being hospitalised when it is the last thing you want.
Sending you loads of hugs :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Remember you have friends here who care for you. We'll still be here no matter what :hugs:
Karen xx
Hi Ness,
It's Heidi, I just want to say i'm thinking of you hun and hope your out of that place very soon . I know your daughter is causing you many problems, but if it was me i would have kicked her out ...instead of me going to the unit..i do know how a daughter can be .....but it's in your hands what goes on NOT her's... A 20 year old kid can make are lifes bad at times ..............but only if we let them..........sometimes we have to be the hard nose mums and take the actions we have to take. Please don't let her run your life and keep you in there .........i know that is NOT where you want or need to be hun............your a wonderful women and mother so DON'T let her get the best of you hun.......i have talk to you before about her.........in my mind she needs to go NOT you!!!!!!!!!!!! REMEMBER YOUR THE MUM (NOT HER) and i also know you love her very much.......but you have to love yourself too hun !!!!!!!!! TAKE CARE HUN ......LOVE HEIDI
Hi Ness
Just sending you a hug, Your daughter blames you for everything because she can and you will still love her regardless.
Please talk to all those who help you so you aren't bottling it all up and become isolated with your fears and thoughts. I am glad to hear you and your hubby are close.
How old is your daughter? Is she old enough to leave home an commence a life without using you as emotional and as house support?
How are you today Ness?
I really hope you are getting some practical help at the unit and that you start to feel a bit better.
Thinking of you :hugs:
Karen xx
Hi Smudgie, sorry you are hurting but we all support you.
Be strong for us.
Davex:flowers:
nomorepanic
11-05-07, 19:19
Sending you a HUGE hug
Hope you feel better soon
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
honeybee3939
11-05-07, 19:29
Hope your feeling better soon Smudgie
http://www.glittergraphics.co.uk/Graphics/Love_Hugs_Kisses/images/81.gif
Love
:hugs:
Andrea
xxxx
Hi all
Ive just sat and read all your posts and tears rolling down my face, thank you so much.
I spoke with home tonight on the phone and she seems happy, is that because im not home and she got rid of me, thats what i think.
Im no worth nothing, never done anything right and hate myself.
Im mental and not worth anything.
Im so sorry Im so low.
I should not be here, you dont get one to one and no one cares to spend time to talk, your just left in your room.
speak soon
nessxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
groovygranny
12-05-07, 00:08
http://www.olly708.com/HeartsRosesHugs.gif
No, Smudgie. You are precious.....like these diamonds.
:flowers:
Aww Ness I care :hugs:
I am really sorry you are feeling so low right now. I do sympathise with how you are feeling. I know how I felt in hospital.
Let our messages help you Ness. Draw strength from the friends you have here. We'll still be here :hugs:
I hope you get some rest and peace tonight.
Karen xx
You are in my thoughts Ness.
:hugs: Luv darkangel x
Ness - you certainly are not worthless. Your hubby would be devastated to hear you think that. Bet he'd be worthless without you.
More hugs for you.
HI
Thank you all for your support and all your kind wishes and hugs.
This site has certainly helped me, even if its just the fact ive learnt theirs people out there with worse probs than me.
Im really not well at the moment.
thanks
nessxxxxxx
(((Hugs))) Ness :hugs:
I'm thinking of you and always come here to see how you are.
Sorry you are not feeling well right now. We're here willing you on and hoping you are soon feeling better.
Karen xx
honeybee3939
13-05-07, 19:27
Hi Ness
I want to send you some more hugs too:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Thinking of you my friend and hope you are feeling better soon !
Be strong !
:hugs: :hugs:
Love
Andrea
xxxx
Sending you another hug.
Don't be scared in not being well at the moment. You will get better, it is a horrible matter of time. Just take a good rest.
hi all
Smudgie is back here at last.
Its been along time and a hard path to even be well enough to write to you guys again.
Ive been lost and struggle to ground myself to a life again. im battered and bruised and very weak, but here.
I think I last posted in may, i was sent back to the unit, life since then has been a blear, not sure where i was really.
My head is still going around and around and cannot ground myself. I dont now when im real or somewhere else.
Anxiety high and personality disorder at its peak, being 5 people in one day and trying to go along with whats being thrown at me at once.
Cpn, oh yes, well she says never mind go away and try to have happy thoughts, I dont even know what happy thoughts are anymore, plus the drugs kill all emotions.
Your just a body at the moment filled with nothing, no hope or care for yourself, whats the point.
My daughter has gone, she left home 2 months ago and we dont have an awful lot of contact, she is happy and she hates being around me , i pull her down so i see her once a week.
Thats ok though, I do as I please, mainly sitting all day and night in my pjs. Thats all i can manage at the moment. I have no motivation noe do i care really.
Im sorry you are all dealing with your own feelings and Im just creating probably frustration with you all.
I just wanted to let you know im still here.
love to you all
ness
groovygranny
05-08-07, 10:33
Ness!:)
You're not creating frustration at all, we're all here for each other right? - it's great to hear from you!
Sorry you're still struggling, but at least you've posted here eh?
It's ruddy difficult being told to think happy thoughts when you just can't find any - rather think of them as 'positive' thoughts eh?
.......You've got one already today by posting here lol !!:flowers:
big hugs to you
:hugs::hugs::hugs:
I was just thinking the other day that we hadn't heard from you and I am so sorry things have been bleak for you smugie.
Like GG says you've managed to post today and that is a good start. :yesyes: Welcome back and I hope you manage to do one little post a day cos that social interaction is so good for us all and keeps us feeling part of the world.
On a diffrent note a lovely crystal to have when you don't feel grounded is smoky quartz - I have a big chunk of it which I play with in the way people do with worry beads and it really relaxes me.
Love Piglet :flowers:
Hi Ness
It is so nice to hear from you again :hugs:
It's good news that you are home. I really feel for how lost and confused you feel right now. It is natural to need a period of readjustment after a period of time in hospital. It took me quite a while to adapt to living at home again.
So, for now you can manage sitting in your pyjamas and typing the odd message here and that is fine. It is a start. As you gather strength and emotional start to feel a little stronger you will be able to do a little more but gradually and in your own time.
We are here for you.
Take it easy hun :hugs:
Karen xx
Keep you head up smudgie.It is going to be a tough road ahead but keep your head up babes and i am sure you will overcome this and be a better person for it.
Love and MASSIVE hugs
Gary
Lovely to hear from you. I have wondered how you have been. I think you must be at thethe worst point. You will come back from that awful place and be more you again - so try to be patient with yourself and allow yourself to heal again.
Loads of hugsxxxxx
Hi
thank you all for your responses and support, yes i supose i have made a positive step and mailed you all.
ive missed being here.
when your away for as long as i was you forgot but not the fact your all so suportive.
thank you once again, hopefully be in the chatroom that helps me so much/.
love nessxxx
Good to hear from you Ness.
Sending you more hugs :hugs:
We are here for you.
Karen xx
Ness.
I'm having all kinds of pain at the moment.....but ya know what.........once i seen you tonight........ i thought i haven't been threw NOTHING compared to what you have been threw.......you made my day when you came into chat tonight and PMed me!!!!!!!!!!!! i have been so worried about ya and really didn't know how to get in touch with ya. I'm soooooo glad you have got out of the units and doing much better !!!!!.......hun remember BE POSITIVE ALWAYS !!!! I LOVE YOU ALWAY & HERE FOR YA ALWAYS !!!!!!!! PS ........... STAY POSITIVE NESS I'M HERE FOR YA ANY TIME !!!!
hi Gary sam karen and heidi
firstly your recent messages have got me through this last 48 hrs, ive kept reading them over and over again to help me try and get out of this self pity feeling i have at the moment.
karen you have been with me from day one, as i would be for you if i was strong enough, thank you.
everyone that has posted to me have been supportive/caring and very supportive.
thank you all so much to everyone that has posted on my thread.
my love and hugs to all of you
ness
my dear frind heidi
your words and supportive has been overwhelming, you are a dear special friend to me and one day we will hug each other for real.
i think about you all the time and what is going on for you.
take care be strong and we will speak soon.
(((((((((((((((((love you))))))))))))))))))
nessxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxx
Ness, you are welcome hun :hugs: I'm glad it helped even a little bit. I really do know what it is like being in hospital as I've been there.
How are you now Ness? Are you getting some support and help? I wish the days could be a bit brighter for you:hugs:
Karen xx
KAREN
THANKS FOR GETTING BACK TO ME. THE SYSTEM THINKKS ITS DOING THE RIGHT THING BUT I KNOW THEY ARE NOT.
THEY DONT LISTEN BECAUSE THEY KMOW BEST.
TODAY I HAVE SPENT MOST OF THE CRYING BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN TOLD TO FORGIVE MY ABUSER AND MY DAUGHTERS ABUSER SO I CAN MOVE ON AND GET ON WITH MY LIFE.
WHAT SORT OF HELPFUL COMMENT IS THAT, YOU CANNOT FORGIVE A PERSON THAT HAS ABUSED YOU AND RUINED YOUR LIFE OTHER WISE YOU WILL BEGIN TO THINK WELL IF I HAVE FORGIVEN IT MUST BE MY FAULT, AS IF I DONT ALWAYS.
GO AWAY AND HAVE HAPPY THOUGHTSM GREAT HAPPY THOUGHTS ABOUT WHAT.
NOW THEY ARE SAYING IF I DONT START TO INCREASE THE WEIGHT IM OFF TO THE UNIT AGAIN FOR FEEDING THIS TIME.
YOU DONT TREAT THE SYPTOMS BEFORE THE ROOT CAUSE, BUT THEY JUST DONT UNDERSTAND.
I VE LIVED WITH BEING ABUSED ALL MY LIFE TO FIND OUT THAT YOU THOUGHT YOU PROTECTED YOUR DAUGHTER THEN FIND OUT YOU FAILED HER IS A LIVING HELL.
PAIN, SCREAMING, RUNNING THIS IS MY THOUGHTS.
kAREN, TAKE CARE OF YOU AND BIG HUGS TO YOU
LOVE NESS
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