View Full Version : I feel like such a doormat - fear of losing people
I don't know what to do anymore. Recently I've come to realise that I feel like everyone in my surroundings are treating me like a doormat. I ALWAYS have the feeling I can never actually tell them when something they do bothers me. Whenever I bring something like that up, I end up feeling super guilty and in the end I am the one apologizing when I did nothing wrong. I think it is because I am afraid to lose people. I am extremely scared of rejection, and I am scared to confront people because somehow I think they will like me less if I "criticise" their behaviour towards me, even if it just means standing up for myself. So in the end I just tell myself that I am being overly dramatic and overreacting.
Is anyone else in the same situation? I feel so alone with this :weep:
Hey sunset,
I don't now if I'm in the exact same situation as you, but I know how it feels to overthink social interactions. On the rare occasions when I do stand up to people (or attempt to) I get all jittery and insecure. So insecure in fact, that I'm afraid the other person may think even less of me in the end. I guess it's all down to low self-esteem. After confronting someone, I spend an enormous amount of time ruminating about the exchange.
When I'm by myself, I think of all the things I could have said which would have made my case, but by then it's too late.
Unfortunately, this doesn't only happen when I try to stand up for myself, it also happens when merely trying to talk to somebody; I end up saying "stupid", sometimes idiotic things, which must make me look like a fool. Or, worse, like a very rude individual. :weep:
It's easier in here or in the chat, since I can go over what I type before I hit send. If only real life were this convenient.
Unfortunately, I don't have much advice to give you, but I wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone. :)
--deckard
Hey Deckard
thanks for your comment :) it is good to know that I am not alone with this. It is the same for me, when I try to stand up to people, my voice starts shaking. But if I am really upset, I am even scared I will start crying, which would kind of take away my credibility, if you know what I mean.
And now I come to realise, I worry too much afterwards too and I also get scared to say something stupid in normal conversations, which often makes me hold back I guess. And sometimes, when I want to say something, it makes me nervous when everyone looks at me, and then I start to stutter and feel like an idiot^^ although in my head, it was all so well thought through what I wanted to say.
You are so right... it should be as easy as on messages or the chat, haha
hey sunset, what you wrote is very familiar to me too. I think low self esteem is part of it but it's also to do with what has caused that low self esteem. For me it's partly that my parents died when I was young and also that I had a bullying older brother. Both of those things made me afraid to assert myself and I think the way we present ourselves somehow makes us visible as vulnerable to others and so sometimes we get taken advantage of. I think you might be quite young?
I came here today because I've got involved in a new group of volunteers at a charity. I am helpful and have skills that are useful to the group so I've been asked to do more of the work of leading which has upset the one person in the group who I could see was likely to be bitchy. She put me down several times in front of the group and I felt really panicky, short of breath, angry and I walked away the first time and then the second time I said something to some of the others about not taking any shit from anyone and I would withdraw if it happened again. Not very assertive (!) and as a result I found one person who also was upset by the bitchy one but others who obviously couldn't see it and were surprised. That's the thing, if you're vulnerable and can't stand up for yourself, you get pushed around and I just don't know what to do about this, it's not the first time I've felt bullied in groups.
I know the two organisers can't see (or don't want to see) that the bitchy woman goes around bossing people and interfering in what others are doing so of course I doubt myself. Am I imagining it? Am I over reacting, did she not mean what she said and how she said it? I trust my bodily/gut reaction but now I'm afraid others will reject me because of what I said. As usual, the woman I'm calling bitchy has a little set of cronies who hang around with her. I feel so upset. I know that in the past, I've just put up with difficult situations and someone being horrible to me but then I end up feeling like a doormat and hate myself even more. Oh to be able to express myself calmly, clearly and firmly but how? I did some assertiveness training but putting it into practice is different to doing it in a course. I'm thrown back into beating myself up inside because of this.
Hey sunset,
this is the second time I’m typing this very reply. I was almost done, then hit the backspace key while the cursor was outside the text box … and bam, everything gone. What you have just read doesn’t have to to with social anxiety, as you may have noticed. I just wanted to vent my slight (big) annoyance at the fact that I destroyed my carefully crafted reply. Although, if any grammar mistakes appear in this reply, I can always claim that the previous one was immaculate.
Back on topic though. I absolutely can relate to what you said about becoming nervous when being watched. I loathe the feeling of being scrutinize, judged. Being the center of attention, which many people seem to adore, is something I try to stay as far away from as possible. Logic would suggest, that I should enjoy being in a crowd, because of the relative anonymity. I don’t, though. Different worries seem to surface in those situations. Perfect example is going to the movies alone (which I have almost never done.) Walking into the theatre, walking up the stairs, I feel like all eyes are on me. I keep thinking, ‘What if I drop my soda? Or miss a step? I would look like a fool’. Funny thing, when I’m with friends (the few that are left), I have much less issues with it. I’m not sure why that is, maybe just knowing that there is at least one person in the room you can trust helps.
That brings up another topic: making friends. I have managed to alienate most of the friends I once had. Although, I don’t really worry too much about the ones I don’t see anymore. It’s not like we had any big fights, it’s merely the fact that interests started to diverge. Making new friends is very difficult for me though. I’m not very extroverted and have a rather odd assortment of (supposedly) boring hobbies. I say boring, because they seem to be regarded as such in a society which seems to favour the most obnoxious people and the most “extreme” activities. Of course, I realise that there must be plenty of people like me, I can’t imagine that I’m in any way special. There’s a catch though, the introverts, the shy ones, the non-party-animal ones, seem to have a specific issue: the very character traits that make them who they are makes it harder to find friends, because, by definition, they have a much harder time approaching prospective acquaintances.
Ah. The virtual conversation in your head. I know it all too well. You start thinking of all the routes a discussion could take; like a flowchart in your head. You prepare an adequate response for each potential outcome. Then comes the real conversation. One unexpected turn, and one is hopelessly lost. I usually become incoherent and confused, or I start to repeat myself.
Well, I think I’ve taken over enough of your thread now, with my whining. :blush: I was just glad to see someone with very similar social anxiety issues as me. I found that social anxiety comes in so many different forms, there are many threads by people I cannot really relate to. It’s unlike the health anxiety section for instance, the symptoms of which are all very similar. (That’s not meant to sound condescending in any way, I myself suffer from health anxiety, too.)
Anyway, I still don’t seem to have any worthwhile advice to give, I’m afraid. But I hang out here a lot, so if you ever want to vent and need a sounding board, you know where to find me. :)
—deckard:shades:
Hey annief, thank you for your comment! Yes, low self esteem definitely plays a big part in this. I am really sorry for your loss and also sorry that your brother was a bully to you. Yup, these things make us more vulnerable I think, I was bullied at school for 9 years, and back then of course I could never stand up for myself either. I am now 28 years old, by the way.
I know what you mean. It is difficult to get along with everyone in a group, I just don’t know why people – especially grown-ups – can’t act more mature about things like that. Especially in a volunteer group, how is it possible that there is a sense of “competition” or jealousy in such a setting? I think saying you won’t take any shit from anyone and that you’d withdraw if it happened again does make you assertive though, that was very well brave. If it had happened to me I would probably just not have said anything… like you say, it is easy to get pushed around that way, by letting them do it, you just “give them the permission” to continue that behaviour.
Anyway, I don’t think you are overreacting. Yes, maybe you/we are more sensitive than other people in that way, but we also have a better intuition about people I guess. So we can sense when something is off. But by my experience, the other people WILL eventually notice too… I hope you are doing ok and that you can little by little put your training into practice :)
*******************************
Hey deckard, haha, hate when that happens. Sorry you had to type it all over. But thanks for the comment, I appreciated it a lot! Reading what you said about going to the movies alone, for example, I felt like you were in my head describing my thoughts haha. I always think things like that, too. And when I am with my friends – (ditto: the few that are left) I also feel “safer”.
I am sorry that you drifted apart from a lot of your friends. I guess it’s unfortunately just what happens with some people, you just need to tell yourself that they weren’t the right people. What are your “boring” hobbies? ;) again, I can relate. I have a hard time making friends. I am introverted too. I need a lot of time to myself but also, when getting to know people, I feel like I am probably a little awkward most of the time. It depends on a lot of factors, like my mood, what day I’ve been having, who I am with, how they are acting towards me… but generally speaking it takes me a while to get comfortable with people. Most of them, unfortunately, judge too quickly and don’t take the time to properly get to know me. They label me as boring, arrogant or weird. Every once in a while I meet great people that are now true friends. But I met many of them at university, abroad, so now, my friends are spread all over the world but I don’t have many of them back home…
Yup, apparently we are very similar! Well, no worries about the advice. Even venting helps or finding people that are alike. Thanks and whenever you want to vent, I will be around here too or you can drop me message^^
Hey friend,
I feel that we very similar in a way, at least the past me. That means that I've changed, and if I did it, so can you.
Let me tell you a bit about my background. In elementary/middle/part of high school I was bullied... a lot. I was overweight and had gynecomastia ("manboobs"), so kids were quite relentless. I was also quiet, maybe due to the bullying, but also because I think that was kind of my personality at the time and even at times now. So couple the two - bullied + quiet = doormat (or feeling like one). It lasted a long time. It was generally the same bullies as well, and fighting wasn't my style, really. I just let it roll off my shoulders to the best of my ability, but it got to me, of course. With that, my confidence was low and I always felt like I was just a piece of trash. Even people I considered "friends" would say stuff to me at times, and because I was so passive I'd just shrug it off. But if we don't voice how we feel, then nothing will change. As hard as it is, you've got to speak up. If the people you consider "friends" don't change after you verbally say that something bothers you, then they aren't your friend(s).
Things changed in high school (That was over ten years ago now, as I am 28). I remember one day deciding to lose weight. I mean, I wasn't obese, but I wasn't "normal," either. I dropped weight quickly by starving myself to a degree. I remember every day for lunch I'd get a large pretzel and a water - that's it. My stomach would rumble constantly, but my eyes were on the prize. Please note that I realized in retrospect that this was a horrendous idea, but I did lose the weight. Then I started getting into weight training and started eating right, so I gained muscle and felt better about myself. I started to get more confident overall as I saw a bit more respect and even felt attractive, as I was getting more female attention, which was quite new to me.
During my time in high school I also transitioned a bit mentally as well, as I started reading literature about self help and confidence. Although a bit embarrassing, I admit that I started reading pick-up literature. It sounds silly, and I would never call myself a "player" by any means, but it did help me lay the foundation for becoming a more confident person. I suggest finding literature like this (it doesn't have to be pick up artist material by any means). There are a lot of free articles and reasonably priced books out there to help with confidence.
Now I am not saying I am as confident or as suave as George Clooney or anything, but over the years I've made pretty great strides in improving myself.
I did have a setback when anxiety started hitting me around 3-4 years ago. I think I always had the social anxiety to a degree, but the panic attacks and generalized anxiety and such really put me down. I became a hermit and would not go to social events for quite some time. I'd sit home and my girlfriend would go to events telling people I just didn't feel well (quite true - anxiety manifests heavily in a physical capacity for me). It sucked and lasted too long for my liking.
As time has moved on, I've gotten more into the swing of things, becoming more confident once again. It was much harder this time with the anxiety affecting me so harshly, but I continue to push myself into situations that I would generally be uncomfortable. I put myself out there more. I speak my mind more (in a constructive way, of course).
If you fear losing these people, then tell them how you feel. What's the worst that could happen? I will tell you. You will lose them, but that's honestly not so bad. You'll come to realize that such people are apathetic and lack understanding into the dilemma that people like us face. I've dropped people over the years (just stopped talking to them) because I felt that our friendship lacked value. They'd be mean or negative constantly, and I didn't want that. Some people have actually come back into my life and see me in a different way. Either way, I'd rather be alone than be "friends" with people who I feel like I am a doormat with. There are billions of people out there - this community included - to make friends with. You don't need a handful that make your life feel like it's a drag.
Edit: I also wanted to add in that I do run a blog called The Anxiety Press (www.anxietypress.com) if you'd like to take a look. It's about fitness and is geared towards people with anxiety. It may be of some benefit to you and others. I truly believe that exercise - especially building muscle as a guy - was paramount in assisting me get through body image issues and help relieve a fair amount of my stress and anxiety.
Hey poppadr3w,
Thank you for your response. I am sorry for the things that happened to you, I know how much bullying can affect you even afterwards. You can be proud of yourself for having gotten so far in spite of all of this, although it is a shame that you only felt more respect from people after you’d lost weight. “Pick-up literature”? It is a shame, too, how much we depend on external validation, like “picking up” someone to feel valuable, attractive, whatever. It seems (I hope) that has changed in the meantime? Of course, anxiety makes it all more difficult, but you seem to have it all pretty much under control. Thanks for the link to your blog, I will definitely check it out!
Of course, you are completely right. If I lost my friends about speaking up, they’d be no real friends. And of course, I also (actually) prefer being alone than having friends that I feel inferior with. But I am also so scared of turning people against me, I know not everyone will like me and not everyone does, but after I was bullied at school for 9 years, most of my childhood and teens, I am just so overly worried about how people see me. Of course, I have good and bad days, like probably everyone. So I have days where I am confident and I can stand up for myself, and then I have days where I feel like I have to please everyone in order to be liked, accepted, heck… to be tolerated. It sucks. I know I still have to work on my confidence A LOT.
Now i am so much happy because after visit this website now i got more information about social Anxiety. Here more visitor wrote lots of valuable information about social anxiety. Thanks for your post.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.