Scaldris
28-05-17, 18:07
Hello!
Thanks for clicking on my thread. I'm a 17 years old girl and I'd like to ask your opinion about my unusually high anxiety levels and all.
So around 3 months ago I developed HOCD, I also need to add that there was unusual amount of stress in my life, about my finally good grades etc. I haven't been diagnosed by specialist, because I'm ashamed of this and also don't want to stress my parents about something not real issue *like me being gay or bi*, since then my life is hell. It started with huge panic attacks about HOCD, I felt like I will faint or throw up, I lost my appetite and lost some weight too, lost my motivation to draw and read and game , which all were my favourite freetime activities, and I become numb to good feelings and emotions. I've always dreamed of getting a boyfriend, now I have it, he is awesome cute and supporting he really cares about me but in the first weeks I felt like I was absolutely in love, like everything was perfect with him *when my HOCD let me have feelings, so these were on and off* but now when I stress a lot more, what I didn't think is possible, I feel nothing, absolutely nothing just fear of everything. I used to hate the weekend because I couldn't see my boyfriend but now I just don't feel anything at all,I wanna curl up on my bed and cry, I feel nothing towards everyone, only fear, I fear everything now.
I'm sorry I'm embarassed to write the entire story and it 'd be long, keeping it short, a bi girl was waaay to friendly with me, literally didn't want to leave me alone etc and I got a fear that she thinks I'm like her in orientation, which made me panic that what if I'm not the person I used to know, what if I fooled myself all along about having dozens of crushes only on guys and daydreams about a great boyfriend, I feared that it was all fake which is I know is not possible.I fear that this is not HOCD, even thought I know it is, I fear that I don't love my boyfriend, and my dear obsessive mind gave me more anxiety because lately I was so numb even when my boyfriend kissed me on my cheek I felt nothing only a little sparkle of calm and love, but only a little sparkle of it. This made me worried that I don't love him, don't want to be intimate with him, which again awoke a fear, even tho I've always dreamed about having a real boyfriend with everything a normal couple would do included and I enjoyed these daydreams.Now I feel scared that I might not like being intimate with my boyfriend, I'm terrified of the thought, even thought I love hugging him *maybe I'm just too young in soul to think about intimate things?* Can I be afraid of intimacy because I've never really liked when people thouched or hugged me? Of course I can tolerate it from my friends, and their hugs calm me but... Right now everything seem s so difficult and never ending.. I feel lost, numb and suicidal.
I've always been a really anxius child and teen,I'm also waaaay to sensible, I could cry of almost anything and this is still appealing, I constantly worried about everthing and anything, literally everything and anything I had really depressed periods when I wore all black and constantly cried. To be honest I've never had a real boyfriend, when I got into a relationship *I had to add pretty young, around 5th grade and 7th or 8th I dont remember* I felt good but always felt like I need time to trust, and when the relationship ended I was really depressed. Also lately *a good 7 months back* I felt soo long I was almost literally dying to have a boyfriend.
About my HOCD thing. I'm almost a 100% sure it's HOCD because when first the thoughts came I didn't considered them to be real*also I used to watch anime and when I accidentally watched one with lesbian scenes included I felt unconfortable and disgusted and didn't understand how could 2 girls do this, no offense*, I thought and felt they were alien, which lead me to discover OCD, and with that the facts about HOCD and that it is actually a common thing + it was a rollercoaster feeling, sometimes I felt like I was myself and I was calm and confident, sometimes it was pure hell and questioning and thinking, feeling I would rather die than to be attracted to other girls *I don'T want to offend anyone, I'm actually supportive towards the community and I know truly gay people and I'm also friends with them*.
Also what added to my anxiety is that I hate socializing, I just hate going to public, I feel awkward around other girls, even classmates maybe because I was bullied a lot in primary school, that I'm not beautiful enough, I'm not worthy, no boy would love me and all, also I rather watched anime and had my dream world where I was happy had a nice guy and didn't care about famous people and all. So I think I might have really low self-esteem, and I know I'm pretty insecure, also during my depressed period I couldn't study, I got pretty bad grades and everybody made me feel by treating me like I was really dumb. Now it changed I have great grades but still feel like everyone thinks that about me, I'm terrified to make a phonecall even when I just want to order pizza, or talk to a shop assistant for example.
Sorry about this all, I don'T think it makes sense, because when I started writing I knew what I wanted to tell but it just fell apart during writing. So all in all, I feel like I'm not myself, I feel depressed, lost and I would rather hide under my bed than think and do anything. I started don't caring about HOCD thoughts and I felt awesome after that and my feelings came back but lately I just feel oly anxiety and absolutely nothing and HOCD started to haunt me in my dreams, I'm scared of sleeping now. I'm also scared to ask my parents to see a pshichologist and I also scared that if I get taken to one they will say that this is not HOCD just a painful process of realization, also this starts to die down, because when I get better the little voice of doubt starts to disappear.
What do you think about all this? Is this really just a numb period or I don'T love my boyfriend? Can I just loose the feeling of love as a result of unusually high anxiety level? Or I never really loved him? I know it's hard to tell from this but I needed to write this out, I'm sorry I tried to keep this short I hope I didn't left out important information, and thank you if take your time and read this.
Thanks for clicking on my thread. I'm a 17 years old girl and I'd like to ask your opinion about my unusually high anxiety levels and all.
So around 3 months ago I developed HOCD, I also need to add that there was unusual amount of stress in my life, about my finally good grades etc. I haven't been diagnosed by specialist, because I'm ashamed of this and also don't want to stress my parents about something not real issue *like me being gay or bi*, since then my life is hell. It started with huge panic attacks about HOCD, I felt like I will faint or throw up, I lost my appetite and lost some weight too, lost my motivation to draw and read and game , which all were my favourite freetime activities, and I become numb to good feelings and emotions. I've always dreamed of getting a boyfriend, now I have it, he is awesome cute and supporting he really cares about me but in the first weeks I felt like I was absolutely in love, like everything was perfect with him *when my HOCD let me have feelings, so these were on and off* but now when I stress a lot more, what I didn't think is possible, I feel nothing, absolutely nothing just fear of everything. I used to hate the weekend because I couldn't see my boyfriend but now I just don't feel anything at all,I wanna curl up on my bed and cry, I feel nothing towards everyone, only fear, I fear everything now.
I'm sorry I'm embarassed to write the entire story and it 'd be long, keeping it short, a bi girl was waaay to friendly with me, literally didn't want to leave me alone etc and I got a fear that she thinks I'm like her in orientation, which made me panic that what if I'm not the person I used to know, what if I fooled myself all along about having dozens of crushes only on guys and daydreams about a great boyfriend, I feared that it was all fake which is I know is not possible.I fear that this is not HOCD, even thought I know it is, I fear that I don't love my boyfriend, and my dear obsessive mind gave me more anxiety because lately I was so numb even when my boyfriend kissed me on my cheek I felt nothing only a little sparkle of calm and love, but only a little sparkle of it. This made me worried that I don't love him, don't want to be intimate with him, which again awoke a fear, even tho I've always dreamed about having a real boyfriend with everything a normal couple would do included and I enjoyed these daydreams.Now I feel scared that I might not like being intimate with my boyfriend, I'm terrified of the thought, even thought I love hugging him *maybe I'm just too young in soul to think about intimate things?* Can I be afraid of intimacy because I've never really liked when people thouched or hugged me? Of course I can tolerate it from my friends, and their hugs calm me but... Right now everything seem s so difficult and never ending.. I feel lost, numb and suicidal.
I've always been a really anxius child and teen,I'm also waaaay to sensible, I could cry of almost anything and this is still appealing, I constantly worried about everthing and anything, literally everything and anything I had really depressed periods when I wore all black and constantly cried. To be honest I've never had a real boyfriend, when I got into a relationship *I had to add pretty young, around 5th grade and 7th or 8th I dont remember* I felt good but always felt like I need time to trust, and when the relationship ended I was really depressed. Also lately *a good 7 months back* I felt soo long I was almost literally dying to have a boyfriend.
About my HOCD thing. I'm almost a 100% sure it's HOCD because when first the thoughts came I didn't considered them to be real*also I used to watch anime and when I accidentally watched one with lesbian scenes included I felt unconfortable and disgusted and didn't understand how could 2 girls do this, no offense*, I thought and felt they were alien, which lead me to discover OCD, and with that the facts about HOCD and that it is actually a common thing + it was a rollercoaster feeling, sometimes I felt like I was myself and I was calm and confident, sometimes it was pure hell and questioning and thinking, feeling I would rather die than to be attracted to other girls *I don'T want to offend anyone, I'm actually supportive towards the community and I know truly gay people and I'm also friends with them*.
Also what added to my anxiety is that I hate socializing, I just hate going to public, I feel awkward around other girls, even classmates maybe because I was bullied a lot in primary school, that I'm not beautiful enough, I'm not worthy, no boy would love me and all, also I rather watched anime and had my dream world where I was happy had a nice guy and didn't care about famous people and all. So I think I might have really low self-esteem, and I know I'm pretty insecure, also during my depressed period I couldn't study, I got pretty bad grades and everybody made me feel by treating me like I was really dumb. Now it changed I have great grades but still feel like everyone thinks that about me, I'm terrified to make a phonecall even when I just want to order pizza, or talk to a shop assistant for example.
Sorry about this all, I don'T think it makes sense, because when I started writing I knew what I wanted to tell but it just fell apart during writing. So all in all, I feel like I'm not myself, I feel depressed, lost and I would rather hide under my bed than think and do anything. I started don't caring about HOCD thoughts and I felt awesome after that and my feelings came back but lately I just feel oly anxiety and absolutely nothing and HOCD started to haunt me in my dreams, I'm scared of sleeping now. I'm also scared to ask my parents to see a pshichologist and I also scared that if I get taken to one they will say that this is not HOCD just a painful process of realization, also this starts to die down, because when I get better the little voice of doubt starts to disappear.
What do you think about all this? Is this really just a numb period or I don'T love my boyfriend? Can I just loose the feeling of love as a result of unusually high anxiety level? Or I never really loved him? I know it's hard to tell from this but I needed to write this out, I'm sorry I tried to keep this short I hope I didn't left out important information, and thank you if take your time and read this.