Defaidrist
29-05-17, 21:35
I guess I'm just wondering whether anyone out there has been through the same thing or has any advice for me.
To explain, I've been seeing my partner for over a year. I knew she had anxiety when we started dating but she never really let on how bad it was so I thought I'd more-or-less seen it. A few months ago, however, she decided to do something that affected both of us and didn't tell me until quite late in the game. This really hurt my feelings and we agreed to try and be more honest with each other.
Since then, she's stopped pretending around me but her anxiety has flared up - partly from that and partly from just being in a relationship itself. I guess, effectively, the thought of being with me seems to induce anxiety - she worries that she's hurting me, that she's stringing me along etc. In addition, my family aren't exactly open-minded and if I tell them about her, that's likely to be the end of at least one relationship, and the thought that she might cause this has started to eat away with her. We also have fairly different views on a lot of things. This doesn't bother me as I enjoy a good debate and am used to people around me having very different views but she feels attacked when I'm not in agreement - we've had a few discussions where she's thought we're arguing and I've thought we were just talking. But it does mean that I have to be very careful not to say anything that might accidentally trigger her, and this sort of limits some of what I can say.
As a result, she's started to spend less time with me without saying that's what she's doing. This has resulted in me feeling rejected (even though I know, rationally, it's her anxiety and not that she doesn't like me) and feeling that she's only with me because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings (which she says isn't the case and I believe her but it's hard to remind myself of that). It's also resulted in me becoming less talkative about anything non-superficial for fear of triggering her.
Whenever we do meet up, we now either consciously avoid talking about anything non-superficial or have very deep discussions about the problem. I am trying to be supportive and patient but the rejection and having to watch everything I say and do and having to be constantly calm and happy is starting to wear me down. On some days, it's easy to rationalise it and remember that it's her anxiety and not her. On other days, it's really hard not to take it personally and get frustrated. We talk and talk but neither of us is sure how to break the cycle.
I guess I was wondering if anyone had any ideas. We've considered breaking up but neither of us wants to lose the other one (and for the same reason, we're not sure just being friends will work). We've also considered taking a break from each other but she thinks that'll actually make her anxiety worse so she isn't keen for that reason and I'm not keen on anything that'll make her feel worse. I've asked if there's anything I can do to help and she doesn't think there is - she'd know better than me but I feel so damn helpless. So ... yeah? Any ideas?
To explain, I've been seeing my partner for over a year. I knew she had anxiety when we started dating but she never really let on how bad it was so I thought I'd more-or-less seen it. A few months ago, however, she decided to do something that affected both of us and didn't tell me until quite late in the game. This really hurt my feelings and we agreed to try and be more honest with each other.
Since then, she's stopped pretending around me but her anxiety has flared up - partly from that and partly from just being in a relationship itself. I guess, effectively, the thought of being with me seems to induce anxiety - she worries that she's hurting me, that she's stringing me along etc. In addition, my family aren't exactly open-minded and if I tell them about her, that's likely to be the end of at least one relationship, and the thought that she might cause this has started to eat away with her. We also have fairly different views on a lot of things. This doesn't bother me as I enjoy a good debate and am used to people around me having very different views but she feels attacked when I'm not in agreement - we've had a few discussions where she's thought we're arguing and I've thought we were just talking. But it does mean that I have to be very careful not to say anything that might accidentally trigger her, and this sort of limits some of what I can say.
As a result, she's started to spend less time with me without saying that's what she's doing. This has resulted in me feeling rejected (even though I know, rationally, it's her anxiety and not that she doesn't like me) and feeling that she's only with me because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings (which she says isn't the case and I believe her but it's hard to remind myself of that). It's also resulted in me becoming less talkative about anything non-superficial for fear of triggering her.
Whenever we do meet up, we now either consciously avoid talking about anything non-superficial or have very deep discussions about the problem. I am trying to be supportive and patient but the rejection and having to watch everything I say and do and having to be constantly calm and happy is starting to wear me down. On some days, it's easy to rationalise it and remember that it's her anxiety and not her. On other days, it's really hard not to take it personally and get frustrated. We talk and talk but neither of us is sure how to break the cycle.
I guess I was wondering if anyone had any ideas. We've considered breaking up but neither of us wants to lose the other one (and for the same reason, we're not sure just being friends will work). We've also considered taking a break from each other but she thinks that'll actually make her anxiety worse so she isn't keen for that reason and I'm not keen on anything that'll make her feel worse. I've asked if there's anything I can do to help and she doesn't think there is - she'd know better than me but I feel so damn helpless. So ... yeah? Any ideas?