GingerFish
30-05-17, 14:20
I was diagnosed with OCD years ago and have been in and out of therapy for it and I am about to start schema therapy soon. The most common 'theme' of my OCD over the years has been drug/toxin contamination fears, magical thinking and health anxiety though in the last few months a new theme has came up - the fear of getting pregnant.
I know a lot of us women have some level of anxiety about being pregnant but usually once we take a test or get a period, that's enough validation for us that we are fine, but not when you have OCD. I am 24 now but when I was 19, I did fall pregnant while taking Microgynon and had an abortion at 7 weeks and I think that is where a big part of my fear of being pregnant comes from. Since the abortion, I have been on Cerazette and touch wood, had no accidents on it but the fear is still there.
It became out of control last October when I missed a pill and had sex with my partner that night and didn't realise until the day after that I hadn't taken my pill. I ended up taking 2 pills the same day once I remembered and this was later than my usual pill time and since that day, I took it normally and hadn't missed any and didn't have sex again for a weeks. I felt like I was maybe ovulating - I'm sure you know all the TMI symptoms and I know the mini pill doesn't always stop ovulation and can work in other ways to prevent pregnancy. I got some bleeding a week after having sex in October. It wasn't heavy like a period but was more than spotting. Most likely breakthrough bleeding from missing the pill but me being me, I worried it was implantation bleeding so I took a test when it was 14 days after having sex and got a negative result and a week after that, I started a heavy period like bleed and got the same the following month and since then, I've had light bleeding here and there since.
I also did 2 tests in Feb just to be sure again or in other words, giving into OCD and again, those were negative and if I were pregnant, I'd have been a good few months into it at that point.
Those tests calmed me for a while and I forgot about it all and lived my life but lately there has been a lot of stress with my family's health, my upcoming wedding in July, therapy ending then another starting soon and a few deaths and my OCD has sky rocketed both this theme and the others.
I feel like an idiot for even worrying about this when I have had negative tests, bleeding, no weight gain etc but OCD can be so convincing. This should be one of the happiest times of my life getting ready for my wedding but instead all my thoughts are dark and worrying like "maybe I should kill myself - that would definitely stop any pregnancy" or "I have this or that illness, my life is going to be over soon" and things like that. I feel I can talk to people about the other OCD themes but not the pregnancy one as people think as soon as you take a test and its negative, that it and you're fear should be gone whereas it doesn't work if you are obsessive.
What can I do to get myself out of this rut? I know I need to stop Googling. All these "I didn't know I was pregnant until I gave birth!" stories don't help. I am so tempted to take another test but I know that giving into compulsions isn't the way to go. I keep looking at old pics I took of each test just to make sure they are negative. I keep getting bad abdominal pains when I am severly stressed and my brain keeps telling me oh its those braxton hicks contractions which only stresses me out more but as soon as I calm down, the pain and tightness from my abdomen goes.
Thanks :hugs:
I know a lot of us women have some level of anxiety about being pregnant but usually once we take a test or get a period, that's enough validation for us that we are fine, but not when you have OCD. I am 24 now but when I was 19, I did fall pregnant while taking Microgynon and had an abortion at 7 weeks and I think that is where a big part of my fear of being pregnant comes from. Since the abortion, I have been on Cerazette and touch wood, had no accidents on it but the fear is still there.
It became out of control last October when I missed a pill and had sex with my partner that night and didn't realise until the day after that I hadn't taken my pill. I ended up taking 2 pills the same day once I remembered and this was later than my usual pill time and since that day, I took it normally and hadn't missed any and didn't have sex again for a weeks. I felt like I was maybe ovulating - I'm sure you know all the TMI symptoms and I know the mini pill doesn't always stop ovulation and can work in other ways to prevent pregnancy. I got some bleeding a week after having sex in October. It wasn't heavy like a period but was more than spotting. Most likely breakthrough bleeding from missing the pill but me being me, I worried it was implantation bleeding so I took a test when it was 14 days after having sex and got a negative result and a week after that, I started a heavy period like bleed and got the same the following month and since then, I've had light bleeding here and there since.
I also did 2 tests in Feb just to be sure again or in other words, giving into OCD and again, those were negative and if I were pregnant, I'd have been a good few months into it at that point.
Those tests calmed me for a while and I forgot about it all and lived my life but lately there has been a lot of stress with my family's health, my upcoming wedding in July, therapy ending then another starting soon and a few deaths and my OCD has sky rocketed both this theme and the others.
I feel like an idiot for even worrying about this when I have had negative tests, bleeding, no weight gain etc but OCD can be so convincing. This should be one of the happiest times of my life getting ready for my wedding but instead all my thoughts are dark and worrying like "maybe I should kill myself - that would definitely stop any pregnancy" or "I have this or that illness, my life is going to be over soon" and things like that. I feel I can talk to people about the other OCD themes but not the pregnancy one as people think as soon as you take a test and its negative, that it and you're fear should be gone whereas it doesn't work if you are obsessive.
What can I do to get myself out of this rut? I know I need to stop Googling. All these "I didn't know I was pregnant until I gave birth!" stories don't help. I am so tempted to take another test but I know that giving into compulsions isn't the way to go. I keep looking at old pics I took of each test just to make sure they are negative. I keep getting bad abdominal pains when I am severly stressed and my brain keeps telling me oh its those braxton hicks contractions which only stresses me out more but as soon as I calm down, the pain and tightness from my abdomen goes.
Thanks :hugs: