Dealing with family members who increase anxiety.

[Fay13]

Does anyone have any family members who increase their anxiety, and how do you deal with family obligations to see them? My parents massively increase my anxiety (over Christmas I was there for about 3 days and I was a wreck the whole time). They don’t know about my anxiety – my mum is pretty outspoken and has said in the past that people with mental illness just need to “start being more sensible” – and I don’t want to tell them as I know it would not help. I live about a 45 min drive from them and I almost never see them, they are trying to make me and my boyfriend go round for lunch this weekend and I really don’t want to go, I’ve had such a bad week, anxiety-wise and the idea of it is stressing me out so much, but my mum is laying on the guilt pretty thick. I know I don’t see them very often (people are always appalled that I see my parents probably twice a year) and do feel bad about that, but I don’t want to make myself feel so anxious. I also think my parents are to blame somewhat for some of my issues. I have pretty bad emetophobia and so much of my anxiety is centred around food, and I am fairly sure this is at least partly because of how I was force fed as a child (not told I couldn’t leave the table until I’d eaten, but literally had my nose held until I opened my mouth and then had food forced in, then my mouth held shut while being told that I had better not throw up). Not very surprisingly, this has not made me now eat the foods I was forced to as a child (the smell of carrots basically makes me gag) and going home for lunch to have my parents take the piss about what a fussy eater I am just makes me angry.

TL DR, how do you balance guilt/obligation to see family while not sacrificing your mental health?

[Phuzella]

Frankly considering how you were treated, I think you seeing them twice a year is very decent of you. Sorry if that's harsh :(

[snowghost57]

What your parents did to you is wrong. I would recommend seeing a therapist to work through your feelings and how you are not coping with them, you are anxious instead.
When I tried to blame my own insecurities and the way I cry so easily on the way I was treated as a child my therapist told me the past is the past and now I'm an adult. Your situation was a little different. I don't consider my anxiety an illness, but a disorder that can be corrected with retraining my brains thought process. Others use medication to help them and that's find. Do what ever works for you. Just don't spend the rest of your life avoiding your parents and living in a constant state of anxiety. You have one life, how do you want to live it?

[vicky23]

Goodness me,
well first off I'm sorry you have to face these issues at all!
The problem is quite clearly with them so don't let them make you feel guilty, easier said than done I know but even if you still FEEL guilt you can rationally know that how you were treated was very wrong and you are not to blame for wanting to avoid being made to feel bad.
I definitely agree with Snow that a therapist could help in how to deal with these feelings, where I live you can self refer through the NHS for talking therapies.

I can understand why you wouldn't want to go to dinner, would suggesting meeting up for another activity be an option? The other two options I guess are 1) keep making excuses which prolongs the difficulties or 2) Confront them about how they make you feel which I know would be incredibly difficult :(

I hope you find peace and happiness whatever you decide
XX