looking4answers
08-05-07, 01:06
Everyday .. I get up get going and then lay down and then do things around the house and then I lay down again.I get up in the afternoons and take a ride around the town and around the back and when I come back its time to feed the animals for the evening.I keep thinking about the articles I have read and the things the doctors have said about the thumping in my head..Its only annoying but can't hurt me ..
So why do I worry so..I have spurts of being myself and forgetting that I could die any minute and then I go back to being too cautious and thinking hey this might give me a heart attack...with a constant thump thump thump..I think this is actually changing me ..I think my mind has accepted deep down that this thump will be the end of me yet I wake another day and seem to be able to do the things I normally do..
So why .why why do I worry when its not suppose to be able to hurt me..
The more that I stay on the go I look back and say hey .. I made it..and then the next time I get a little stronger and feel less anxious and then make it back to hear the thump thump thump..
I want so bad for that to go away but I think that It will never.I feel that Im a prisoner and locked away in a terrible dream sometime and my thoughts are endless worries about how im spending my time.I feel day is night and night is day and worry so much and then there is slumber time at night sometimes when my mind says to let go and join with the universe..Whatever is shall be and whatever was will be..and to release my self to fate..Yet im still here confused the next day and stumble out of bed.
I go through the same routine everyday although somedays feels kind of normal..I just want to be the person I used to be and for this all to be over yet I feel lost somehow although im feeling more at home in this place I still feel lost as what my duties are and will I survive.Happy one moment yet worried and sad the next..Too I get so tired with the little things I do..
The wife urges me to do more and I do try and yet although I suceed im still unsure the next task I want start to have something else wrong with me..Does any of you ever feel this way ..Start to finish yet to finish you are scared and everything you feel is unsure of what the next moment brings?
Yes Im writing a journal too so that helps but I just wonder sometimes why im scared when Im been told over and over im not sick..lol.. that irony the people that are sick don't know and the ones that think they are sick arent.. Who knows its all confusing to me..Does anyone else feel the way I do ?
So why do I worry so..I have spurts of being myself and forgetting that I could die any minute and then I go back to being too cautious and thinking hey this might give me a heart attack...with a constant thump thump thump..I think this is actually changing me ..I think my mind has accepted deep down that this thump will be the end of me yet I wake another day and seem to be able to do the things I normally do..
So why .why why do I worry when its not suppose to be able to hurt me..
The more that I stay on the go I look back and say hey .. I made it..and then the next time I get a little stronger and feel less anxious and then make it back to hear the thump thump thump..
I want so bad for that to go away but I think that It will never.I feel that Im a prisoner and locked away in a terrible dream sometime and my thoughts are endless worries about how im spending my time.I feel day is night and night is day and worry so much and then there is slumber time at night sometimes when my mind says to let go and join with the universe..Whatever is shall be and whatever was will be..and to release my self to fate..Yet im still here confused the next day and stumble out of bed.
I go through the same routine everyday although somedays feels kind of normal..I just want to be the person I used to be and for this all to be over yet I feel lost somehow although im feeling more at home in this place I still feel lost as what my duties are and will I survive.Happy one moment yet worried and sad the next..Too I get so tired with the little things I do..
The wife urges me to do more and I do try and yet although I suceed im still unsure the next task I want start to have something else wrong with me..Does any of you ever feel this way ..Start to finish yet to finish you are scared and everything you feel is unsure of what the next moment brings?
Yes Im writing a journal too so that helps but I just wonder sometimes why im scared when Im been told over and over im not sick..lol.. that irony the people that are sick don't know and the ones that think they are sick arent.. Who knows its all confusing to me..Does anyone else feel the way I do ?