bristolzbabi
06-06-17, 05:07
My story started in 2013 when my mum died she had been diagnosed back in July 2012 with lung cancer but she already had copd and went and seen her body 3days later 3days after that I went out for the first time everything was ok till all of a sudden I started 2 feel like I was going to be sick n just wanted to get home where I knew I was safe as I was scared of breaking down in public if some said they were sorry for ur loss or asked how I was doing needless 2 say when I got home I felt better still felt sick it went on like that and the day of the funeral I didnt want to leave the safety of my own home my partner at the time gave up work "to look after me" which he didnt have to as I could have had my sister there anytime in the July of that year she moved in with us n the kids to help out o started smoking weed everyday to keep me calm and to help me sleep granted yes for a while it did help near the end of July was my oldest 11 birthday so was forced as I felt at the time to go out ant buy her presents felt the same again got to the point my heart was racing palms were sweating and felt like I was going to pass out then in the beginning of September that had to go out again to buy my middle child presents for her birthday after being put on beta blockers which help when I needed to go out but late one night in the October I had been smoking weed and felt like I was going to have a panic attack so I time my tablet and felt really really bad had tunnel vision felt all hot and bothered and my heart was beating real fast I thought I was going to die that night so I phone for a ambulance which my partner time a dislike to saying they would report me to social services which made me worse but when they came I was open with them told them what I had taken they did all there checks which were all ok which seemed to calm me till the paramedic went funny n felt sick I freaked out more then good job there was to of them the other stayed with me while the other one named Joe went up to the ambulance when they left I felt calmer n very very tired so I got in bed and asked my partner to watch over me while I slept so If anything happened he was there the next day I phoned my doctor and got a hone visit from my doctor and she put my on citalopram and gave me a link to a website this one in fact so I gave the site a look and joined I waited the 5 or 7 day u had to wait till u could enter the chat room were I meet some lovely ppl who I now have on Facebook everyday I used the chatroom when ever I started to freak out n have an attack I told them what I was feeling which was all normal for panic attacks I also stopped eating for a while I couldn't even look at food without getting a lump in my throat and had the runs all the time till I started eating again I also suffered with tension headaches as well which hurt my head and my eyes I learned how to do breathing and telling myself I was ok and it couldn't hurt me and that I was ok I also let my flat get like a bomb site but my kids were always feed clothed n bathed but in 2014 I had so turn up to service my boiler who then went bk and phoned social services to report me they came and time my kids away from me and I had to sort my place out b4 they were returned home slowly everything was ok till December when I ended it with my partner after putting up with abuse from him blaming me for hi having 2 give up work which I never asked him 2 I let him stay in the flat till he got somewhere of his own which was the worst mistake ever when he found out I was seeing someone else in Jan 2015 he time a picture of my brother holding a gas gun stupid I know but he never fired it in the flat as my son was there n showed my sons nursery who then emailed social services tea time the same night armed police stormed my flat and time my kids while they were eating I WS told by police to ring social services in the morning my I had that would have been a sat so it was the out of hours team they knew nothing about it but had to go court on the Monday the hole weekend I didnt know who had told social service till the Monday when I arrived n I was show the paper work I phoned my sister n told her 2 remove his stuff as he had killed me on the inside we went through every meet in assement they had to do and was told they would be returned home which they lied about as his parents got my younger 2 while my auntie had the older as she was not his I soon started taking the legal high spice biggest mistake of my life I became addicted to it all money went on it never paid my rent then in Jan 2016 I meet my current partner who in time I fell in love with and I nearly lost Him because of spice so I stopped it my citalopram was upped to 60 mg a day I had love the Christmas 2015 cuz I got 2 see all three of my kids at once but the grandparent stopped contact with my side of the family which messed me up I started drinkingi had moved back in with my dad by then so was staying at my bf for weeks at a time not wanting 2 be reminded of what I lost my kids pictures everywhere its now 2017 I have been with my bf over a year n he's now living with me n my dad I'm going 2 be a auntie for the fifth time in September when my Lil sister has her first a boy my second nephew which will be called clay not keen on the name but its her choice I call him Gus Gus a after the fat mouse on Cinderella as my sister is Hugh carrying him I can't wait till he's born auntie Tasha is going 2 spoil him like mad as one of my brothers moved to Leeds last year so his gf could be closer to her ill parents so I dont see my niece n nephew from them and I dont see my other 2 niece as there mother is a pain so I'm now on mirtazapine 30 mg