elik
07-06-17, 21:11
I'm exhausted. I want to be the best and most giving person all the time but I've trapped myself within myself and haven't a clue how to open up again. I cannot be authentic, I'm like a robot just going along with the motions and I'm getting this horrible resentment bubbling under the surface because I never express myself or my feelings and it makes me angry that I have best friends but I feel like I'm theirs but to me I am alone and completely not myself with anyone. Therefore when people sort of demand things (in the nicest way) and are so off the cuff with me I get quite frustrated that I don't feel I can be the same and that I don't really have any bond with anyone at the moment. My best friend isn't really the definition of one anymore at all and not for any negative reason, it's just not there. For about six months I've tried to regain the immense bond we used to have and I just don't feel it. I don't tell her anything and just follow along as if it's all the same as it is on her part and I am finding it impossible to maintain. I feel so uncomfortable in so many situations with her now but feel I must carry on for her benefit or at least to see if it's just a blip but I feel I have nothing to say and everything I do say and act in ways that I feel I must to keep up appearances But it feels so forced which is so anxiety inducing that I can't sleep and feel perpetually tense and on edge. I just clench my teeth and act 'perfect' but it's wearing thin and I can feel myself tiring, causing further anxiety and anger within because I feel I'm losing my control over the situation and I'm soon going to be a misunderstood person as well as lonely and isolated.