View Full Version : So scared
CantonaKing
10-06-17, 09:20
I have generalised anxiety disorder and always blow things out of proportion, etc.
I've never had any intrusive thoughts before but earlier I was sitting next to my wife and had the thought, "what would happen if I did something crazy, like attack her?".
I love her more than anything and would never harm her nor anybody else or anything.
The thought prompted dreadful anxiety - like I can feel adrenaline surging through my arms and chest in waves.
We were at my in-laws for dinner and it calmed down a bit but on the way home my anxiety started again and now I am shaking, too and I can feel the pulse in my head.
My wife really doesn't understand mental health problems much and has little sympathy, although she tries.
Now im terrified that a) this anxiety will never go away and b) that every time we are together I'm gonna have these awful thoughts.
I'm scared that I'm crazy and if I tell anyone what I thought, I'll be sectioned or something?
Seemingly loving husbands are attacking their wives physically and even sexually at alarming rates. You are most certainly NOT one of them or you would've done it already. Mothers have thoughts of throwing/harming their babies and would never do that. You won't be sectioned.
Is it becoming codependent? Where all you want is to be understood? I suggest, though its hard, to talk about your anxieties to a trained therapist.
CantonaKing
10-06-17, 15:19
Hi Bee,
What do you mean by "codependent"?
I started seeing a therapist on Wednesday, but his only happened last night.
Thanks.
On second thought... I'm wrong! I skim read some of your thread. It's where someone is rescuing and enabling anothers illness or addictions. Sorry about that!
CantonaKing
10-06-17, 15:34
But can you help?
Has it been only once that you've had the thought? Maybe it's a one off? Anxiety and other mental health issues are very difficult to understand if you've never been there. Can you bring her to therapy with you? Then the therapist can help explain your reality to her.
CantonaKing
10-06-17, 16:44
Yeah, just the once - but still feel mega anxious today and can't stop thinking about that particular thought!
I can't tell my wife about it.
I Don't Get it!
10-06-17, 17:20
I was sitting next to my wife and had the thought, "what would happen if I did something crazy, like attack her?".
I love her more than anything and would never harm her nor anybody else or anything.
I'm scared that I'm crazy and if I tell anyone what I thought, I'll be sectioned or something?
You're not crazy, that's the anxiety.
If the thoughts were exactly as you described above, then you're having anxious thoughts about something bad happening to your wife, again that's just anxiety. Tell your therapist, they can help.
The trouble with anxiety is that it becomes a vicious circle of anxious and worrying thoughts making you even more anxious and that makes even more anxiety and more worrying thoughts. You have to learn to stop that cycle.
However, if the thoughts you had were that you are struggling to control an urge to attack her or that you are intending or making a plan to attack her, (or anybody) that's a bit different. In that case you ought to seek urgent help, like going to A&E or phoning your local mental health team or whatever.
Something that bothers me about your post is that you say your Wife doesn't understand and has little sympathy. Could this be causing you to have these intrusive thoughts? Are you desperate for her to understand how much you're suffering?
Would she be willing to read a book or even an article about your illness, to try and see what you're going through? I found showing my partner my Claire Weekes book (self help for your nerves) very helpful. He read a chapter describing some symptoms and looked shocked and said, "is that really how you feel?" and he's been a lot more understanding since.
Btw, this is just my layman's opinion, I'm having therapy myself...
Edit: this article might put your mind at rest:
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/four-soothing-truths-about-intrusive-thoughts-fiff/
CantonaKing
10-06-17, 17:26
Thanks for the advice.
It's only been a day yet I feel I'm driving myself crazy.
I keep telling myself this thought is ridiculous and I would never ever harm her in any way, but it's still swirling around in my head.
I've had this too and a few years ago I told someone, who was initially outraged but they too admit now to having those thoughts but about men that have preyed upon women and children and those who are perceived as weaker.
When I had it, I was in my head, fiercely arguing with my family saying awful things but in real life it's all clear as far as I knew. I think I was spending too much time with them out of obligation and that's where the thoughts came from. They went when I established boundaries and set visits on my terms.
I think these types of thoughts are very common. Maybe try to catch yourself at the start of the thought next time. Even if you don't open up to her you've got your therapist so I'm sure their help is enough.
CantonaKing
10-06-17, 17:36
But I'm not seeing my therapist till a week on Wednesday?
And I'm going crazy - like internal dialogue with myself - is that normal?!
Yes it's normal especially for an introverted personality type but ideally it's meant to be happy self talk! I don't do it myself as much as I could :( Try meditation or deep breaths there's loads of videos on it on YouTube. And when the thoughts begin, tell yourself you're a good man! It's true you'd never act on those thoughts.
CantonaKing
10-06-17, 17:52
So I won't have this feeling forever?
We've only just got married!
No it's temporary, I mean truly nothing lasts forever.
I Don't Get it!
10-06-17, 19:32
But I'm not seeing my therapist till a week on Wednesday?
And I'm going crazy - like internal dialogue with myself - is that normal?!
Yes it's normal for anxiety. It will only get worse if you feed it with fear. Your fear makes your anxiety worse. If you understand that it's just a part of having anxiety and the thoughts are just thoughts - they're not facts or feelings. They can't hurt you or anybody else.
CantonaKing
10-06-17, 20:21
But now when I'm with my wife, I'm still getting the stupid thoughts?
Like I'm worried shes to blame when that's garbage and I love her more than anything.
MyNameIsTerry
11-06-17, 01:43
It's an intrusive thought. I would suggest you read about them so that you understand more about them.
They are the opposite of true character and that's why they evoke such strong reactions from us. That reaction is the expected response and so it reinforces the need for a fear just like how you can build a fear of a place by having panic attacks there and avoiding it in fear of further panic attacks.
As much as they are upsetting, learning to not react to them with negatives is the way out of them. Analysing them in negative ways e.g. going down a rabbit hole with them, just feeds the cycle.
Hi I have this also do you are definitely not alone mate. I mostly have it now at it's worse when I,m at work. That feeling of dread when near anyone the feeling like your going to lash out. Like also you are stopping yourself from doing it, it's the anxiety that goes with it that makes us believe something is going to happen. Does that sound familiar.
CantonaKing
11-06-17, 13:50
Hi mate,
Yeah - but it's more aimed at my wife, who I love more than anything.
Now I feel tremendous guilt about the thoughts, like either me or her is to blame.
I can't tell her about these intrusive thoughts cos she won't understand and she'll be scared of me, even though I've never harmed or hurt anybody in my life.
I can feel the adrenaline surging through me and worrying that I'm not good enough for my wife, since I've been with her today.
I've never had anything like this before.
Thing is we all have thoughts where maybe at the time we were angry with someone and you just think on the lines off "this person is so annoying, i just wanna hit her/him" you wont do it obviously, and many other examples. But many people wont think much of the thought and it will go as quickly as it came. While people like ourselves question why we had the thought instead of letting it be "omg why did i think that, does that make me bad?" etc etc.
Just find a therapist and talk it through with her/him. It sounds like harm OCD (ive had it) but im no expert.
CantonaKing
11-06-17, 14:08
Exactly! Although she hadn't annoyed me at the time!
Thinking back, she was snoring a few weeks go and I had the thought, like most partners properly doing fleetingly, "shut up or I'll kill you" - and thought nothing more of it.
But now I'm obsessed with that thought from Friday.
Is the adrenaline normal?
Exactly! Although she hadn't annoyed me at the time!
Thinking back, she was snoring a few weeks go and I had the thought, like most partners properly doing fleetingly, "shut up or I'll kill you" - and thought nothing more of it.
But now I'm obsessed with that thought from Friday.
Is the adrenaline normal?
See? the thought of your wive snoring you shrugged off, but your anxiety sadly just latched on this time, so at least you know it can be stopped. And the adrenaline is your anxiety, higher it is the more paniced you are (head going round and round) you just need to find ways to control it.
CantonaKing
11-06-17, 14:46
True - but because I have generalised anxiety disorder, it can be difficult to control and think about nothing else, even though I've tried to distract myself.
True - but because I have generalised anxiety disorder, it can be difficult to control and think about nothing else, even though I've tried to distract myself.
It CAN get better though, im going through a rough patch myself but with the right help etc, you will learn how to deal with it.
CantonaKing
11-06-17, 15:18
Sorry to say "but" constantly, but I'm not seeing therapist for another 10 days.
We were just cooking together earlier, my wife and I, with knives and everything, and i didn't get any bad thoughts, thankfully.
But I can tell she is off with me cos my anxiety has been awful all weekend - which, in turn, makes me think she deserved the bad thoughts I'm thinking about her!
Or maybe I'm over-analysing everything?
I Don't Get it!
11-06-17, 15:21
CantonaKing, have you read any decent self help books or anything that will give you an understanding of how your anxiety works?
Your fear of your anxiety symptoms is making you feel worse. When you understand how this condition works, you will lose the fear and start feeling better. Does that make sense?
For some people just reading and understanding that their frightening symptoms are completely normal and harmless will help them instantly. I know that it did for me.
CantonaKing
11-06-17, 15:26
Thanks.
Yeah, I've been reading lots online over the weekend while feeling like this - I did feel better, but then started panicking again.
Like why is it only my wife I had this intrusive thought about, etc, and the the internal chatter - which I've read about and know is completely normal - which tells me she deserves it cos she is being off with me...
Thanks.
Yeah, I've been reading lots online over the weekend while feeling like this - I did feel better, but then started panicking again.
Like why is it only my wife I had this intrusive thought about, etc, and the the internal chatter - which I've read about and know is completely normal - which tells me she deserves it cos she is being off with me...
It might be just your wife because she is what the thought originally involved, i dont know but either way its just thoughts as you know.
I Don't Get it!
11-06-17, 15:42
Because of your fear. You fear something bad happening to your wife because you care about her. You wouldn't have any fearful thoughts about something you don't care about or if you did, they wouldn't have the impact on you that these thoughts do, you probably wouldn't even register having them.
Have you tried Self Help for your Nerves by Claire Weekes or David Burns Feeling Good (which is more about depression, but has useful CBT exercises and other good things)?
Everybody's different of course, but they really helped me. Other people might recommend something else, you just have to try a few and see if something appeals to you.
I bought At Last a Life from all the great reviews and it was the most unhelpful pile of garbage I've ever read. I was enraged by how bad it was. Most people on Amazon seem to love it....:scared15:
Btw, your other posts suggest your wife is being a bit unsympathetic about your illness. You probably have some resentment about this. She really needs to try and understand how it works too.
CantonaKing
11-06-17, 15:47
Thank you. I think she does, she just finds its frustrating that my anxiety has been frequent lately.
So, internal chatter is completely normal?
I Guess It's similar to having a beloved pet like I do they can drive your crazy and you say things you actually don't mean and would never do (well I know I don't) and yet you still love them to bit's like you said earlier you managed to shrug off this thought before just keep doing exactly that :) And tell your therapist everything that's what they are there for :) Cheers
I Don't Get it!
11-06-17, 16:08
There's a part of David Burns book where he describes what's normal for anxiety and what isn't and might require more urgent help.
Internal chatter where you fear doing harm to a loved one can be normal for anxiety. I can't find the place in the book right now (it's a big book!).
From memory a few of the things to be more concerned about are thinking that there are messages just for you being beamed into your brain from tv and radio broadcasts. Voices that are urging you to hurt someone (voices which you think come from outside you - this is not the same as your own internal voice that we might get with anxiety). Thinking that others are conspiring to secretly hurt or kill you etc.
The things you describe sound like anxiety to me. Can't you contact your therapist by phone? Or the local mental health team?
CantonaKing
11-06-17, 18:42
No, it's my own voice and definitely internal chatter!
---------- Post added at 18:42 ---------- Previous post was at 17:25 ----------
Won't the therapists think I'm crazy and have me sectioned or something?!
No, it's my own voice and definitely internal chatter!
---------- Post added at 18:42 ---------- Previous post was at 17:25 ----------
Won't the therapists think I'm crazy and have me sectioned or something?!
No, trust me they have heard all sorts, this is just your anxiety playing with you.
CantonaKing
11-06-17, 19:06
I tried to explain before to my wife, said "do you know n TV, you'll see a character say about another character, 'I could kill him' and then people with anxiety think, 'what if I DO kill him?'."
My wife just said, "that sounds a bit extreme" and that's it!
I feel horrendously guilty for her seeing me like this.
I tried to explain before to my wife, said "do you know n TV, you'll see a character say about another character, 'I could kill him' and then people with anxiety think, 'what if I DO kill him?'."
My wife just said, "that sounds a bit extreme" and that's it!
I feel horrendously guilty for her seeing me like this.
Well dont feel guilty just try to explain to her, if she still dont understand or whatever, so be it.
CantonaKing
11-06-17, 19:28
What do you mean by "so be it"?
See, I'm over-analysing again!
What do you mean by "so be it"?
See, I'm over-analysing again!
Sorry i forget sometimes different places have their own ways of saying things. But it just means dont worry about it if she dont understand.
I still say tell her, maybe she's the only one who can help you with this. Shame and gulit is natural and normal while speaking up about something like that.
MyNameIsTerry
12-06-17, 01:26
Some useful OCD articles for you here:
http://www.steveseay.com/anger-and-ocd-getting-mad/
http://www.steveseay.com/fear-of-hurting-other-people/
http://www.steveseay.com/aggressive-obsessions-fear-of-harming-killing-others/
http://www.steveseay.com/harm-obsessions-violent-obsessions/
Read those. All from a qualified practicing psychologist who treats OCD with themes like this. His articles are excellent.
This is a section that always sticks in my mind:
Because of the violent, gruesome nature of their OCD symptoms, many people who have the fear of harming/killing others mistakenly conclude that they must have dark, twisted personalities. This couldn’t be further from the truth. If you attended my OCD support group and tried to pick out the people with harm obsessions on the basis of their personalities or physical appearance, you would nearly always guess incorrectly. Many individuals with harm obsessions are friendly, kind-hearted, and warm. Furthermore, even very young, happy children can develop morbid obsessions.
Interestingly, people with violent obsessions tend to be some of the nicest, most conscientious individuals who visit my Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, psychological practice. Why might this be?
Like literature says, intrusive thoughts are ego dystonic. They are scary because they clash with your deeper morals. And like another poster said, why would you fear thoughts about things that mean nothing? Why would you be afraid of a thought popping in your head to buy milk when in the supermarket?
snowghost57
12-06-17, 02:10
I have crazy thoughts sometimes, and I just ask my brain where the hell did that come from and just shrug it off. Brains are weird!
CantonaKing
12-06-17, 08:20
Thanks, will read them.
But I can't tell me wife about these thoughts cos she just doesn't understand anxiety and will may be leave me.
The main thing bothering me is why am I having these thoughts.
Thanks, will read them.
But I can't tell me wife about these thoughts cos she just doesn't understand anxiety and will may be leave me.
The main thing bothering me is why am I having these thoughts.
Everyone has those thoughts it dont mean you gonna actually do them, the times i have got mad or what ever and thought "im gonna slap you if you dont stop" etc etc is too many, they are just thoughts.
MyNameIsTerry
12-06-17, 08:49
I tried to explain before to my wife, said "do you know n TV, you'll see a character say about another character, 'I could kill him' and then people with anxiety think, 'what if I DO kill him?'."
My wife just said, "that sounds a bit extreme" and that's it!
I feel horrendously guilty for her seeing me like this.
How many times have you heard a parent shouting "I'll bloody kill you if you do that again" at a kid? I've heard it tons. It's a phrase that isn't meant literally just as "I'm starving" means I'm hungry.
The context you were explaining it in might have been interpreted differently by your wife? She must understand an angry "I could kill my husband sometimes" when he's aggravated his wife yet again?
But this isn't quite the same as an intrusive thought because these often have no trigger process that you can identify. It's not even worth bothering trying to find one a lot of the time, it's more important changing how you react to them.
And searching for something that says why you are having them is a waste of time and it will drag you further down the rabbit hole thus reinforcing them further as having a reason to continue. There is no "deeper meaning", it's just the mind doing what the mind does and has been said, it's only the anxiety sufferer that focuses on them and builds more fears around them.
CantonaKing
12-06-17, 09:16
Thanks.
So basically, nobody is to blame and im not some crazy psycho who's going to be sectioned and the thoughts in my head are just internal chatter which I'm interpreting as going crazy?
Thanks.
So basically, nobody is to blame and im not some crazy psycho who's going to be sectioned and the thoughts in my head are just internal chatter which I'm interpreting as going crazy?
You are just a guy with anxiety (maybe OCD aswell) i have been there, you are not crazy. A therapist has heard all sorts and when you finally get to see one you will see.
Just been reading through this from where I left off and would agree in full what's been said (by other members) and had it said to me many times by my parents all sorts of things which actually never happened and I have had these thoughts too as for being sectioned no it wont happen. You have to change your mind set and just say to your self its just idle chatter and nothing more :) Replace this negative chatter for something positive and nice :) And again you are not alone on this by a long score either. Cheers
CantonaKing
12-06-17, 10:35
Thank you.
I'm just so frightened that every time I am with my wife, the thoughts are gonna start again.
I mean, we were cuddling in bed - cringey, I know, sorry - last night and I didn't feel any bad thoughts, so maybe I'm over dramatising it?
Thanks.
So basically, nobody is to blame and im not some crazy psycho who's going to be sectioned and the thoughts in my head are just internal chatter which I'm interpreting as going crazy?
Exactly.
Nothing cringey about that :) And no bad thoughts :) and as Bee says Exactly:yesyes:
CantonaKing
12-06-17, 10:55
But (I hate that word), if she is horrible to me, Im worried I will then think, she deserves these bad thoughts I am projecting?!
But (I hate that word), if she is horrible to me, Im worried I will then think, she deserves these bad thoughts I am projecting?!
You are just overthinking, anxiety is horrible like that.
MyNameIsTerry
12-06-17, 11:43
But (I hate that word), if she is horrible to me, Im worried I will then think, she deserves these bad thoughts I am projecting?!
This is more classic over thinking. Remember that your subconscious is looking to create a new association between your wife and the "possibility" of danger. The danger is the perception you may do something to her. By feeding it with negatives, like over thinking, it's becoming a new fear.
Stop feeding it and it will go.
And worrying about believing she deserves it, which is a very common worry with thoughts like this, is just another way to kick yourself over them. Don't allow guilt of shame to come in. It's only natural they do at first but they will hold you back getting beyond this spell.
I have a question for you. You've mentioned about talking to your wife about these thoughts. Do you feel a need to confess them?
The reason I ask is that one such compulsion in OCD is confession which is aimed at reassurance seeking. If you do, raise this with your therapist too because they will want to stop this.
CantonaKing
12-06-17, 11:55
I do, but I know I can't cos she will be scared by the thought I had and may leave me!
I do, but I know I can't cos she will be scared by the thought I had and may leave me!
Well whatever happens dont feel bad, it isnt your fault.
I agree but would say discuss it with your therapist in the first place mate :) You can beat this ok :) Cheers
CantonaKing
12-06-17, 16:27
I have just been to see the threapist and he was really good.
But now I having another anxiety attack due to "what ifs" again! :(
I have just been to see the threapist and he was really good.
But now I having another anxiety attack due to "what ifs" again! :(
It is good you getting to see a therapist now, what did he say? did you tell him about your "what ifs" (what ifs is what anxiety love to feed on).
CantonaKing
12-06-17, 17:12
Said to don't practise any avoidance behaviour.
Said to imagine the thought as a leaf and to imagine it sailing down the river.
But now I'm imagining all sorts :(
Said to don't practise any avoidance behaviour.
Said to imagine the thought as a leaf and to imagine it sailing down the river.
But now I'm imagining all sorts :(
Well it takes time, you will get the hand of things.
I read all them links regarding harm OCD etc. This is what myself is going through you are not alone.
MyNameIsTerry
13-06-17, 00:13
I read all them links regarding harm OCD etc. This is what myself is going through you are not alone.
I've been through it too.
At work tonight just had a few images of smacking someone but it's that feeling like you were close. That's what I presume we all hate is that feeling thinking you were close to acting it out. Then thinking here we go again. Do you get that. This is far the worse one for me.
MyNameIsTerry
13-06-17, 02:09
I found the urges with intrusive thoughts, and OCD in general, to be the hardest. I found it easier to handle the images but the feelings were the hardest part.
You've got to remember that violent people don't worry about acting, it's fine to them. These intrusive thoughts, images & urges don't mean anything and you are still the non violent person you were before they came along.
Correct I can handle the urges and images as they pass but the feeling of dread that you were close. Was at it's worse when my daughter was born that was horrendous.
MyNameIsTerry
13-06-17, 05:19
It's supposed to be common with new parents. It makes sense it focuses on someone you would do anything for because it's looking for what shocks you the most.
Mine all revolved around my parents. It was about direct harm, the wishing of harm or not preventing harm and also in harming them through shaming them. By shaming them it was intrusive thoughts about harming strangers and the resulting shame of imprisonment from it. My parents had always brought us up to see arrest as that so it just latched on.
Do you think yours might be like that about work colleagues? About how the consequences would impact on your family more than the act itself? Either way you can get through them without understanding it deeply, it's just something I wondered with you obviously being a committed dad.
I've got through mine. Mindfulness helped me greatly to reduce anxiety and observe thoughts rather than interact with them. But my much greater challenges with OCD have been about other things.
Ye it seems mine now is worse when I'm at work, so the consequences of me acting on it then getting sacked jail etc. Very scary. Just as I was leaving work was talking with a women colleague then the images of me actually hitting her came in. It actually feels like it was close. Or is that what I see in my head that quick flash of smacking her. Then the adrenaline then the worry.? I was worse last wk. It does this sometimes it could last for a wk or 2 when it's bad then it sort of eases off. Did you experience that as well. Are you on nights or can't sleep.
MyNameIsTerry
13-06-17, 18:40
Have a look at this which shows examples of the cycle:
https://psychologytools.com/cognitive-model-of-ocd.html
I've not looked at this one yet, it's new in the worksheets section, but might be useful to show how common these thoughts are?
https://psychologytools.com/intrusive-thoughts-images-and-impulses.html
My sleep routine is upside down.
Stressful periods agitate these thoughts. So, if there is pressure from elsewhere, could be completely unrelated, it can intensify all these thoughts.
It's very similiar to what we understand as the normal cycles of anxiety & panic e.g. up pops symptom, then we notice it and the adrenaline starts, then we start worrying about what it means.
Thanks so much mate will check this out later. How do you find these threads if you don't mind me asking.
MyNameIsTerry
13-06-17, 20:51
Do you mean those links I just posted? I came across that site ages ago when looking for some CBT stuff. It's got some excellent worksheets and the CCI workbooks for lots of anxiety issues and they are all free for personal use.
I've used various tools myself and linked to them a lot in case they could help anyone else with issues they raise threads about. Thought Records are something I've posted plenty of times.
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