View Full Version : Anxiety ruining relationships
I'm in the blackest of black holes at the moment. My anxiety is pushing Dan, my family and friends. I can't concentrate on work. Dan wants to leave me and is close to doing so.
feeling so low
Apologies if you've said this, I've not been following your threads very closely lately, but where are you at with seeking therapy?
because it hasn't been constant and I'd gotten a lot better.
because it hasn't been constant and I'd gotten a lot better.
That's not a full answer, but do you mean you haven't sought it, or you've been refused it? Presuming the former.
With respect, if you're at a stage where you're pushing away family and friends you haven't got a lot better, especially when they seemed so supportive before. And if your response to people trying to help on here is similar to IRL than I can understand how tempers may fray, especially if you're not recognising the problem and making excuses and not seeking professional help. There is no advantage or kudos involved in doing this alone.
This forum has proven time and time again to be next to useless for you, and in fact in my opinion actively harmful in encouraging you to seek reassurance, not think for yourself, and get you mired in negativity. You need real-world help. Anxiety doesn't have to be constant. We all have good times and bad times. Please, phone IAPT today, and arrange another assessment. If everything is how you report it on here, and you're at the stage where your support mechanisms are fraying, I'm sure they will listen.
Despite my occasional snapping at your posts, good luck, as always. And please, for once, listen.
WiredIncorrectly
13-06-17, 12:32
Been there, done that.
It's important to remember it's very hard for our loved ones to experience or appreciate what we're going through. They can only try and understand.
When those you love have to "deal with" our problems on a constant basis it can frustrate them and cause negative feelings for them. Let me give you an example. My Dad died of Cancer in January. I love him so much, but we'd all been dealing with his illness for 7 months. We were tiered and stressed. Not at him, we loved him and did all we could for him, but it was a stressful situation. It broke my heart to suggest that he go into a hospice because we couldn't provide the care he needed at home.
His illness took its toll on those around him. He knew this. He hated being a burden because he was a very stoic man.
But, anyway. Can you see how another persons problems can become a burden, or stressful?
I piss my partner off to no end at times. She will ask if I can go shopping, but if I don't feel good I can't go. I can't leave the house. She will argue that I'm using my anxiety as an excuse. But then other times she can be supportive, and loving. She has emotions too, and I often forget that my anxiety adds to her stress. It would be selfish if I ignored how my anxiety/depression impacts on others.
I am mostly over my anxiety (for now). I am doing better. And I can see a massive improvement in the relationship already. We laugh more. We hug and kiss more. She was overjoyed that I took time to watch a movie with her last night. Slow steps, it's improvement. I need to show her I love her and show her I am thankful for everything she does to help me, otherwise it's only right for her to think that I'm "taking the piss".
We've been together nearly 9 years. She is stunning, and I used to worry that she may go off with a guy who doesn't come with emotional baggage. But, she's stuck with me for this long. Mostly because I understand, and try not to let me mental health problems impact on her. At times it does, especially when I am very low but even then I try not to impact her much.
I would suggest a few thing here that could help:
* Visit your doctor. Discuss your problems. If your medications are not working ask for alternative medications and/or treatment
* Make an effort to tackle the anxiety. For example, try not to show anxious emotions around Dan and your family. Inside you might be having anxiety issues, but around those people try to forget about them. Try to be you. Try to be normal. This is part of the battle.
* Speak to Dan. Explain that you're struggling but you will make the effort to change and get well again. Tell him how much you appreciate his support and how you realise that your illness is impacting the relationship.
Non of this is your fault. Non of this is Dan's fault. But in the end living in a mostly stressful environment can manifest and change the way people feel.
From experience there is only one way this will end if no commitment or change is put into place. Dan is human. He wants happiness just as much as we all do :) 95% of the anxiety battle comes from you. No doctor can make your anxiety disappear, or improve, without 110% cooperation and effort from yourself. I promise, this anxiety will pass. You need to be proactive, and fast.
I hope that helps. I've been there and done that. My ex cheated on me because she was sick of my anxiety and how "weak" I had become.
* Speak to Dan. Explain that you're struggling but you will make the effort to change and get well again. Tell him how much you appreciate his support and how you realise that your illness is impacting the relationship.
Non of this is your fault. Non of this is Dan's fault. But in the end living in a mostly stressful environment can manifest and change the way people feel.
I think this is very important. No-one can blame you for being ill, but they have a right to be exasperated if you don't do anything about it when it's in your power to do so. And saying "Ah, I won't seek help, I'm not that bad really", when it's obviously impacting their lives to this degree just doesn't cut it.
because it hasn't been constant and I'd gotten a lot better.
If you consider that you've posted 200 threads in 24 months (averaging 8 a WEEK!) not "constant" and consider that getting "a lot better" then perhaps something like this is the catalyst you need to seek professional help.
I can unequivocally say that nothing has changed in that time. The patterns, the lack of acknowledgement etc. is identical. In fact, if anything, your anxiety has progressed and not in a positive way.
My 1st wife suffered from severe depression that manifested itself into hoarding. We went to counseling. After two sessions the therapist wanted to see us separately. She stopped going after a couple of sessions. I knew then it was over. We separated and divorced a short time later. If you want to help fix and save your relationships, you need to start with yourself. Had my ex made a concerted effort to help herself, I dare say things might possibly had turned out differently. Giving up on herself was giving up on us and it left me little choice.
Good luck
Positive thoughts
If you consider that you've posted 200 threads in 24 months (averaging 8 a WEEK!) not "constant" and consider that getting "a lot better" then perhaps something like this is the catalyst you need to seek professional help.
I'd just been looking at Helen's stats too - http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/search.php?searchid=6353683. That's 200 threads, not including ones deleted by the OP because they got a bit nasty. The only time being "better" was an absence of posts between the first days of January, and the first days of March, this year. A few weeks out of two years.
Please, please, please seek professional advice, away from this forum. People have tried everything. Soft soaping. Grab-by-the-scruff-of-the-neck shaking. Outright ridicule. Pandering to your symptom posts. Refusing to engage to your symptoms posts. Whole books-worth of sage advice. Telling our own stories to help you get perspective. Putting you on our ignore lists. Nothing works.
The problem is you are adamant the daft ideas your anxiety plonks in your head are potentially significant problems that we should be discussing. But when it comes to the crunch you don't believe your anxiety is "that bad really", and not worth making effort to cure? This is the crux of why it is so difficult and frustrating for people trying to help you. And I'm speaking as a random name on a screen that has no emotional feelings for another random name on a screen. It must be very difficult for those who love you.
So please, no more "I'm not seeking help because I was OK for a few weeks and I'm not that bad really", get some help, today, and take proactive control of kicking your anxiety's arse. No more crap about freckles or cat worms or phantom smells. No-one is in the slightest bit interested in talking to you about that. They're mind farts. Not worthy of your time, let alone ours. If you're in danger of losing loved ones s**t's got too real for that. Anxiety is the enemy to defeat here. Time to take control and do it - we can't do that for you, Dan can't do that for you, but with professional help you can do it.
Thank you for your comments, I'm not not replying out if ignorance but I am at work at the moment.
I have bought myself a basic phone I hope will stop my googling.
Thank you for your comments, I'm not not replying out if ignorance but I am at work at the moment.
I have bought myself a basic phone I hope will stop my googling.
I understand. I look forward to a more full reply addressing some of ideas Fishmanpa, WiredIncorrectly and myself have posted when you have more time.
MyNameIsTerry
13-06-17, 17:13
If you live in England & Wales, the choice is yours to ring your local IAPT provider, you don't usually need a GP referral these days.
If you Google "NHS IAPT" it will bring up the link. Then you put your post code in to find them. From there go onto their website (Googling your area plus IAPT will bring them up, your local NHS trusts list them as do the councils) and you can see what they offer. But with anxiety it's going to be CBT based and if it's Level 3, there will likely be a wait (sadly). There are quicker services but whether they will be enough is up to the Wellbeing Practitioner who will most likely be the first assessor. It might help you get some progress though so it's worth considering.
Your loved ones will feel happier if you accept you need the help and make a start. It will help them to understand you are trying rather than just putting up with it.
Ultimately learning not to pursue reassurance through them is going to repair all this. There are ways to try to self assure and I would encourage you go look at the workbooks we've linked for you and the site Primula gave you as that helped you before.
Long overdue for anti-anxiety medication
MyNameIsTerry
13-06-17, 17:17
Been there, done that.
It's important to remember it's very hard for our loved ones to experience or appreciate what we're going through. They can only try and understand.
When those you love have to "deal with" our problems on a constant basis it can frustrate them and cause negative feelings for them. Let me give you an example. My Dad died of Cancer in January. I love him so much, but we'd all been dealing with his illness for 7 months. We were tiered and stressed. Not at him, we loved him and did all we could for him, but it was a stressful situation. It broke my heart to suggest that he go into a hospice because we couldn't provide the care he needed at home.
His illness took its toll on those around him. He knew this. He hated being a burden because he was a very stoic man.
But, anyway. Can you see how another persons problems can become a burden, or stressful?
I piss my partner off to no end at times. She will ask if I can go shopping, but if I don't feel good I can't go. I can't leave the house. She will argue that I'm using my anxiety as an excuse. But then other times she can be supportive, and loving. She has emotions too, and I often forget that my anxiety adds to her stress. It would be selfish if I ignored how my anxiety/depression impacts on others.
I am mostly over my anxiety (for now). I am doing better. And I can see a massive improvement in the relationship already. We laugh more. We hug and kiss more. She was overjoyed that I took time to watch a movie with her last night. Slow steps, it's improvement. I need to show her I love her and show her I am thankful for everything she does to help me, otherwise it's only right for her to think that I'm "taking the piss".
We've been together nearly 9 years. She is stunning, and I used to worry that she may go off with a guy who doesn't come with emotional baggage. But, she's stuck with me for this long. Mostly because I understand, and try not to let me mental health problems impact on her. At times it does, especially when I am very low but even then I try not to impact her much.
I would suggest a few thing here that could help:
* Visit your doctor. Discuss your problems. If your medications are not working ask for alternative medications and/or treatment
* Make an effort to tackle the anxiety. For example, try not to show anxious emotions around Dan and your family. Inside you might be having anxiety issues, but around those people try to forget about them. Try to be you. Try to be normal. This is part of the battle.
* Speak to Dan. Explain that you're struggling but you will make the effort to change and get well again. Tell him how much you appreciate his support and how you realise that your illness is impacting the relationship.
Non of this is your fault. Non of this is Dan's fault. But in the end living in a mostly stressful environment can manifest and change the way people feel.
From experience there is only one way this will end if no commitment or change is put into place. Dan is human. He wants happiness just as much as we all do :) 95% of the anxiety battle comes from you. No doctor can make your anxiety disappear, or improve, without 110% cooperation and effort from yourself. I promise, this anxiety will pass. You need to be proactive, and fast.
I hope that helps. I've been there and done that. My ex cheated on me because she was sick of my anxiety and how "weak" I had become.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad, WI. :hugs:
I'm sure you did everything you could and whilst it still hurts, terminal conditions can be too demanding physically & emotionally as you know better than anyone so you deserve all the help there is, and so did your dad, and I hope you get passed that because he wouldn't see it as a failing.
I've not been through it myself but my GF has, as have friends, and I remember how they kicked themselves over needing to bring others in.
I honestly need to stop acting how i do. I'm sorry for my constant posting and I'm sorry that ive seemingly ignored advice. I need help. I need to take control because this is making me so unhappy and taking over my personality.
I honestly need to stop acting how i do. I'm sorry for my constant posting and I'm sorry that ive seemingly ignored advice. I need help. I need to take control because this is making me so unhappy and taking over my personality.
Good attitude. Now what are you going to do?
Here you will find your local authority's IAPT centre - http://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Psychological%20therapies%20%28IAPT%29/LocationSearch/10008
Ring them tomorrow. If you can't get time off work to do so find a quiet place in your lunch hour. You only need to book an appointment for a ring-back, so it won't take long.
You will have a wait on the NHS, sadly, but people closest to you will be appreciative and relieved you have done so, even if it's several months until you see someone. In your bad times during the wait, you will know help is on its way. This is the stage I'm at, and even that does help.
Let me know if that sounds like a good plan.
Good luck.
It does.
Let us know how you get on :)
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