Feeling stuck. Emotional abuse.

[mismashful2]

I know this is a strong title, but it is. I feel stuck at home.

I'm seeing a counselor, for already a year, but it doesn't help. At the moment, I even have 3 counselors at the same time! They al say the same: you're trying to get better, but you won't, as long as you don't leave home.

Little backstory. I'm an only child. Dad is 22 years older than my mom. He's 70 at the moment, and she's 48.

Ever since I was little, my dad has been an aggressive person. Pushing, hitting,.. AND not to forget: the emotional abuse (although, back at the time, it wasn't really emotional abuse).

Fastforward to when I was about 14: my mom had cheated on my dad. She lived with us for about a year, but it was true horror. Everyday, I got to see how he beat her up, full of bruises, sometimes so bad she couldn't walk.
A year later, she left, suddenly. I was alone with my father. And I have been alone up until now. And to me, it's a true horror.

I'm 21 now, but I'm stuck at home. Lost all my friends because not allowed to go out (they all live by themselves, and I live at home, which is a 1-hour bus drive, everyday.). Not allowed to get a paid student job.

Everyday I get to hear how I have no future, how I'm stupid as shit (excuse me for my language, but I'm in law school, so I won't be THAT stupid I guess), that I'm thick,.. And as a little extra, he tells me everyday that he wants to kill my mom and how he will do it. (he had always been that into killing since when he was little, his hobby was to kill animals (frogs, birds,.. And maybe even other animals). When I want to go to the library, he says that if I do that, I don't need to come home anymore!
I'm going on a 4-day holiday abroad in a few weeks (which is already scary with my anxiety) but everyday he tells me how I will die there and such.

I guess I don't need to mention: I'm scared and hopeless. Therapy is not helpful, since they all say I can't get better without leaving. But I can't leave and I don't dare to leave. My country is so small, he WILL find me :( I'm afraid he'll also try to kill me then.

Since I'm having finals at the moment, I'm already at home for two months, and haven't seen anyone else besides my father for 2 months.

And I'm so anxious/OCD/depressed. Yes, he cooks for me and pays the bills, but damn, I kind of start to hate that man (I feel guilty about this, but my therapist says it's normal).

I'm sorry for the long ramble, but I'm devastated and hopeless.

[Fishmanpa]

That sounds absolutely horrific! And as a result you're trapped. I don't know what the laws are in your country but at 21, you're an adult and can do what you want. You can also get a restraining order to have him leave you alone. If he's making physical threats to harm you or your mother (and they're recorded on a phone for instance), you can proceed legally to get out of that situation. Perhaps there's a shelter you can go to just to get away from this monster (someone who treats his child in this manner is a monster IMO).

I'm truly sorry to hear that you're being treated this way. I hope you find the inner fortitude to do something about it.

Positive thoughts

[I Don't Get it!]

Wow, sorry I don't have anything helpful to offer, I have no experience with your terrible situation. Just didn't want to read and run. I would hate him too, tbh.

Your Dad won't be around forever and you won't be dependent on him forever, either. At some point you'll finish your studies and get a job, you won't need his money then and you'll have more options.

You say if you leave you're worried that he'll find you and kill you - is this something that is possible or is it your anxiety and OCD that makes you think this? The reason I ask is that you don't mention where your mother is. Has she successfully hidden from him?

You can't change your father, you can only change your own responses to his behaviour. Try to work on your anxiety and OCD and do your very best with your studies. I know this isn't very helpful, but all you can do is work on you right now.

I hope you find something that helps you. x

[mismashful2]

Thanks for replying everyone!

No this is not my OCD/anxiety, my GP and psychologist said that there is indeed a chance that he will kill us. He even talked about his brother about hiring someone to kill my mom. He told me where he will go to find those people.

The problem is that staying at home is also quite dangerous. I'm still here for 3 years, and that's too long. By that time I'm in a psych ward for sure.

Leaving would be so hard because of the fear he'll find me. I do have a boyfriend, but he's also still a student. His parents know about it but don't want to get involved.

I didn't expect help here or something, just nice that I could tell someone.

[Phuzella]

Please do whatever you can to get out of there

[snowghost57]

I'm sure there has to be some sort of abuse center you can go to or even a homeless shelter at a church if you fear for your life. You need to find a job I don't care if it's babysitting or flipping burgers. If you are that much fear of your life you need to make some drastic moves.

[mismashful2]

Thanks everyone. The thing is just that I've become so depressed I can't do anything. I don't have the thrive to leave, I just see no way out.

[Lucinda07]

Your Father is 70 & soon will become frail. He initially inflicted pain on animals - & now his own family. Have you been to the police or seen a social worker? Could they find you somewhere safe to stay after your final exams.
Bide your time & then make plans to leave. Your boyfriend & professionals can support. (Are you in touch with your Mum at all?)
You will get out, it will just take time. Please don't give up hope.

May I ask what your Dad did for a living & why does he think he can hire a "hit man"?