mismashful2
15-06-17, 09:40
I know this is a strong title, but it is. I feel stuck at home.
I'm seeing a counselor, for already a year, but it doesn't help. At the moment, I even have 3 counselors at the same time! They al say the same: you're trying to get better, but you won't, as long as you don't leave home.
Little backstory. I'm an only child. Dad is 22 years older than my mom. He's 70 at the moment, and she's 48.
Ever since I was little, my dad has been an aggressive person. Pushing, hitting,.. AND not to forget: the emotional abuse (although, back at the time, it wasn't really emotional abuse).
Fastforward to when I was about 14: my mom had cheated on my dad. She lived with us for about a year, but it was true horror. Everyday, I got to see how he beat her up, full of bruises, sometimes so bad she couldn't walk.
A year later, she left, suddenly. I was alone with my father. And I have been alone up until now. And to me, it's a true horror.
I'm 21 now, but I'm stuck at home. Lost all my friends because not allowed to go out (they all live by themselves, and I live at home, which is a 1-hour bus drive, everyday.). Not allowed to get a paid student job.
Everyday I get to hear how I have no future, how I'm stupid as shit (excuse me for my language, but I'm in law school, so I won't be THAT stupid I guess), that I'm thick,.. And as a little extra, he tells me everyday that he wants to kill my mom and how he will do it. (he had always been that into killing since when he was little, his hobby was to kill animals (frogs, birds,.. And maybe even other animals). When I want to go to the library, he says that if I do that, I don't need to come home anymore!
I'm going on a 4-day holiday abroad in a few weeks (which is already scary with my anxiety) but everyday he tells me how I will die there and such.
I guess I don't need to mention: I'm scared and hopeless. Therapy is not helpful, since they all say I can't get better without leaving. But I can't leave and I don't dare to leave. My country is so small, he WILL find me :( I'm afraid he'll also try to kill me then.
Since I'm having finals at the moment, I'm already at home for two months, and haven't seen anyone else besides my father for 2 months.
And I'm so anxious/OCD/depressed. Yes, he cooks for me and pays the bills, but damn, I kind of start to hate that man (I feel guilty about this, but my therapist says it's normal).
I'm sorry for the long ramble, but I'm devastated and hopeless.
I'm seeing a counselor, for already a year, but it doesn't help. At the moment, I even have 3 counselors at the same time! They al say the same: you're trying to get better, but you won't, as long as you don't leave home.
Little backstory. I'm an only child. Dad is 22 years older than my mom. He's 70 at the moment, and she's 48.
Ever since I was little, my dad has been an aggressive person. Pushing, hitting,.. AND not to forget: the emotional abuse (although, back at the time, it wasn't really emotional abuse).
Fastforward to when I was about 14: my mom had cheated on my dad. She lived with us for about a year, but it was true horror. Everyday, I got to see how he beat her up, full of bruises, sometimes so bad she couldn't walk.
A year later, she left, suddenly. I was alone with my father. And I have been alone up until now. And to me, it's a true horror.
I'm 21 now, but I'm stuck at home. Lost all my friends because not allowed to go out (they all live by themselves, and I live at home, which is a 1-hour bus drive, everyday.). Not allowed to get a paid student job.
Everyday I get to hear how I have no future, how I'm stupid as shit (excuse me for my language, but I'm in law school, so I won't be THAT stupid I guess), that I'm thick,.. And as a little extra, he tells me everyday that he wants to kill my mom and how he will do it. (he had always been that into killing since when he was little, his hobby was to kill animals (frogs, birds,.. And maybe even other animals). When I want to go to the library, he says that if I do that, I don't need to come home anymore!
I'm going on a 4-day holiday abroad in a few weeks (which is already scary with my anxiety) but everyday he tells me how I will die there and such.
I guess I don't need to mention: I'm scared and hopeless. Therapy is not helpful, since they all say I can't get better without leaving. But I can't leave and I don't dare to leave. My country is so small, he WILL find me :( I'm afraid he'll also try to kill me then.
Since I'm having finals at the moment, I'm already at home for two months, and haven't seen anyone else besides my father for 2 months.
And I'm so anxious/OCD/depressed. Yes, he cooks for me and pays the bills, but damn, I kind of start to hate that man (I feel guilty about this, but my therapist says it's normal).
I'm sorry for the long ramble, but I'm devastated and hopeless.