So, before my boyfriend and I got together we were sort of friends with benefits. He said himself "we're just friends, you can date whoever you want and I can date whoever I want". Although he didn't actually see anyone else or do anything with anyone else, I did. I would make out with people on nights out (I was 19 and in a phase)
He HATED me kissing other people, he would always make fun of me for it with jabbing 'jokey' comments about me being a 'hoe' and at the time I thought he was just trying to be a d*ck, and I didn't realise that he was jealous and that he liked me.
So there was times where I kissed someone and the morning after he asked me if I had, and I was fed up with the way he acted about it and I felt no obligation to tell him anything so I lied and told him that I hadn't. We started dating a couple weeks after this. When I actually realised I liked him.
6 months into our relationship is when I actually realised and remembered I'd done this and I felt a tremendous amount of guilt about it, I ummed and ahh'ed about telling him and decided that I wasn't going to.
Because it is incredibly difficult to tell how he would react to something. He's gotten angry over things most people wouldn't and he's been surprisingly relaxed about a lot of things that would make people angry so there is no way of knowing, and I really didn't want to ruin what we had over something that happened before we even got together.
Now it's been a whole year since we started dating and the incident itself and I still feel guilty about it. Part of me thinks that I should just tell him because it's been so long since he might not even see it as a bad anymore, but another part of me thinks that he might be even more angry that I still haven't told him after a year. I also want to have the kind of relationship where I can just tell him things like this and it not be a problem. Another thing is I feel like if I had told him it would've been his final straw and wouldn't have wanted to date me, because he was getting really fed up with it. So our relationship is possibly built on a lie...
I have so many fears and so much anxiety behind this about telling him:
"What if we break up over this?"
"What if he gets so angry that he tells everyone about all the extremely personal things I've told him (OCD obsessions, one of the reasons I didn't tell him 6 months ago)"
He may not even care that much and I might be all in my head about this, I often am when it comes to things I feel guilty about, but I just don't know what to do. I've matured and changed a lot being with him and I'm not like that anymore.
My questions are:
Is it worth telling him?
How would you feel if you were him?
Should I feel as guilty as a I do?
How should I tell him?
Billyboy1019
17-06-17, 17:22
Don't tell him. You wasn't exclusive. So it's none of his business, regardless of how he truly felt then... It's the past. Keep it there.
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MyNameIsTerry
17-06-17, 17:28
The need to confess is a known compulsion in OCD and I've seen you post about needing to do it before.
Like Billyboy says, it's really none of his business and unless it's your first relationship with anyone, you will have a past like us all. If he doesn't like it, that's an issue in him since he's spent all this time with you so he obviously cares about you.
And...friends with benefits. He was happy to "have his cake & eat it" so he really has no ground to stand on here. He could have had a relationship with you but chose that instead at the time.
For all you know he could have done the same thing :shrug:
Positive thoughts
I've actually been in a similar situation, and it caused my anxiety to EXPLODE. My situation was quite unique, though, so allow me to explain:
I have a daughter with a woman who I will call "J". My girlfriend at the time, who is now my wife, will be called "C".
The mother of my daughter and I have a rocky past. When I was 18 or 19 we met and she was a year or so younger. We became intimate and started dating. Not more than a month later she was pregnant. I will admit, part of it was my fault - it takes two to tango. But she willingly and intentionally deceived me, telling me she was on birth control (the pill). I even watched her take it multiple times, so I figured we were all good since the pill is so effective. It turns out she is a bit crazy, doesn't take it every day, was never prescribed it (she "got it from a friend") and actually wanted to get pregnant (which I found out much later on). But what could I do? It was out of my hands, so I stayed in my daughter's life when she was born and was as amicable as possible given the situation.
I went to Family Court many, many times over the years. The mother gave up custody and I retained joint custody with the maternal grandmother. Before that I paid child support to the mother, who spent it on cigarettes and such. On top of that my family and I paid for everything - clothes, diapers, medicine, etc. So we were hit twice. I digress to the more important parts as it pertains to your situation.
After my daughter was born I started seeing "C" again (we had dated in high school for like 6 months) as my daughter was like... 8 months old. We dated for quite awhile and things were generally pretty good, like any normal relationship, despite the intricacies of what we were dealing with. A couple of years go by...
Suddenly, tragedy strikes. "C" goes on a small vacation to visit her sister, decides she wants to be single because she met someone, didn't do anything but the chemistry was there. What could I do? It's not up to me, it sucks, it hurts, etc. At this point I am just "done," as in I stop caring and just want to go and let loose. I go reinvent myself by working out harder, getting new clothes, buying a new car (this was needed anyway lol), changing my personality by being more of a "player" in a sense, go out drinking and hooking up with some girls.
During these times of emotional turmoil where I "changed" myself, I made a huge, huge mistake and hooked up with "J" a few times. Honestly, I was just getting it wherever I could and thought that this was good revenge against "C" as well. I just wanted to hurt her, even indirectly. It was stupid and created a mess on many levels.
A couple of months later "C" and I start to talk again. I forget exactly how, but we just do... We go out on some dates, talk it out, and ultimately decide to get back together. She made a mistake, and I am all for second chances given the correct circumstances (no actual cheating).
Time goes on as normal, with "C" and I becoming ever increasingly serious. I don't even think about the events inbetween as an issue since, well, we were not together in any capacity. I didn't want to know what she did and she didn't want to really know about anything I did. Technically we had no reason to even ask since we weren't together.
One day "J" and I are fighting via text, which is nothing new. She is a horrendous "mother," (I use that term loosely) that abandoned my daughter many times over and comes back when she feels like it. So, yeah. She starts to threaten me that I "better be nice" to her "or else." She then spouts off that she will tell "C" about her ("J") and I hooked up while "C" and I were not together. Anxiety immediately. It builds up for weeks and months, with every day it being on my mind so often I am literally obsessing over it. I talk to my therapist about it, but it doesn't help as much as I would've liked.
Soon tragedy hits and I have my first ever panic attack. Generalized anxiety follows, as well as other means of anxiety (agoraphobia, for example). "C" doesn't know still, and it kills me. I think of the scenario of her finding out and just leaving me in a whirlwind of disappointment and rage.
Eventually I fess up and "C" isn't happy, but she doesn't leave me. I am in tears because the relief is so immense. We work through it, and it takes power away from "J" because she cannot blackmail me any more.
Now for you there are certain similar variables. Does the other guy threaten you? Is he around?
If there are no factors like that, then no, there is no reason to feel guilty, stressed, nor even speak of it to your boyfriend. For me, there was no reason for me to tell "C" other than I was being threatened, which caused me great anxiety. Plus "J" will be in my life forever, whether I like it or not (which I do not lol).
Plus if he DOES find out, you two were not technically together. There is no way he can be justifiably mad at you, even if you did lie (unless it was his brother or his best friend or something). He just seems rather jealous and slightly possessive in retrospect.
If I were him? Maybe I'd be upset a bit, but technically I have no means to be overly upset. You didn't cheat in any capacity.
If you feel that the guilt is eating away at you and burdening you so heavily, then you can tell him. How? Well, I'd do it in person in a quiet place (but maybe with other people in another room). Lay it on lightly and say something along the lines of this:
"Listen, honey. You know that I love you very much and I care for you, but there is something that has been bothering me for a long time now. It is on my mind constantly and it stresses me out, so I need to get it off of my chest since I think you deserve to know. Remember when we weren't together yet and you asked me if I had kissed another guy (or whatever was said)? I said no, but I wasn't being truthful, partly because I felt it was none of your business because we weren't technically together; partly because I didn't want to hurt you. Well, I lied; I did kiss someone else and I do feel horrible about it. If it bothers you, we can talk through it more. I don't want to lose you, but I felt that you should know. I do love you very much."
Basically phrase it by saying you love and care about him, that it happened, but that what you did was not technically wrong.
So, before my boyfriend and I got together we were sort of friends with benefits. He said himself "we're just friends, you can date whoever you want and I can date whoever I want". Although he didn't actually see anyone else or do anything with anyone else, I did. I would make out with people on nights out (I was 19 and in a phase)
He HATED me kissing other people, he would always make fun of me for it with jabbing 'jokey' comments about me being a 'hoe' and at the time I thought he was just being a d*ck, and I didn't realise that he was jealous and that he liked me.
So there was one night where I kissed someone and the morning after he asked me if I had, and I was fed up with the way he acted about it and I felt no obligation to tell him anything so I lied and told him that I hadn't. We started dating a couple weeks after this. When I actually realised I liked him.
6 months into our relationship is when I actually realised and remembered I'd done this and I felt a tremendous amount of guilt about it, I ummed and ahh'ed about telling him and decided that I wasn't going to.
Because it is incredibly difficult to tell how he would react to something. He's gotten angry over things most people wouldn't and he's been surprisingly relaxed about a lot of things that would make people angry so there is no way of knowing, and I really didn't want to ruin what we had over something that happened before we even got together.
Now it's been a whole year since we started dating and the incident itself and I still feel guilty about it. Part of me thinks that I should just tell him because it's been so long since he might not even see it as a bad anymore, but another part of me thinks that he might be even more angry that I still haven't told him after a year. I also want to have the kind of relationship where I can just tell him things like this and it not be a problem. Another thing is I feel like if I had told him it would've been his final straw and wouldn't have wanted to date me, because he was getting really fed up with it. So our relationship is possibly built on a lie...
I have so many fears and so much anxiety behind this about telling him:
"What if we break up over this?"
"What if he gets so angry that he tells everyone about all the extremely personal things I've told him (OCD obsessions, one of the reasons I didn't tell him 6 months ago)"
He may not even care that much and I might be all in my head about this, I often am when it comes to things I feel guilty about, but I just don't know what to do. I've matured and changed a lot being with him and I'm not like that anymore.
My questions are:
Is it worth telling him?
How would you feel if you were him?
Should I feel as guilty as a I do?
How should I tell him?
NO :wacko:
I'd actually rethink the relationship seeing as you fear him getting angry, telling other people your secrets, things you deem personal, as well as him not being understanding and leaving you for something that isn't cheating. Do you know everything about his past? If you don't, I see no reason why he should know everything about yours.
However, if the guilt is too much to live with, perhaps you could try and ask him how he'd react if you'd done such and such a thing, or make up a story about a 'friend' who's done something similar and try and get his opinion on said 'friend'.
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