eflow
20-06-17, 03:23
This is my in-depth story about my OCD tendencies. Currently, I am not-diagnosed with OCD, however, the intrusive thoughts of harm really fit the criteria and I experience them. I have always had intrusive thoughts, since I was a young child. I lived through domestic violence, sexual abuse, addictions in the home and a very unhealthy childhood. I grew up in a small town and there was not a lot to do. As a small child, I played a lot with relatives and other town children. Some of the other kids would catch gophers, garder snakes, baby birds and salamanders. These animals were always killed by the kids and I joined in; unaware that I was harming living creatures. I have learned how to catch and kill the small animals in very disturbing ways, and have done it a lot. It wasn't until I was about 10 years old when I developed empathy for smaller animals and stopped doing it (thankfully).
Growing up, I would have intrusive thoughts and figured it was just a normal way of living. I would have thoughts of hurting people I love, and shake my head to "cancel" the unwanted thoughts. The intrusive thoughts did not happen often, but when they did, it would cause me anxiety and I would chew my nails or do something else to forget about them. Eventually, my thoughts became of a sexual nature, and the thoughts would disgust me. Usually, the thoughts were perverse in nature, but I never acted out on them. I would avoid intimacy with others, because I thought I was a pervert for thinking such thoughts. I recall having disturbing thoughts of younger children and infants, but again, would shake my head and "cancel" the thoughts. The thoughts continued into my early teenage years, but I would always do things to ignore them or avoid them. The thoughts bounced from sexual intrusive thoughts to killing someone (eg. cutting someone's throat, pushing someone down the stairs, punching someone, or dropping a baby). I would ignore the thoughts and look at my hand to center myself, or shake my head to "cancel" the thoughts.
Eventually, I got into drugs and alcohol as a form of self-medication. I was violent, suicidal and self-destructive as a way of keeping myself clear of my mind. I was violent with other people, violent in my relationships and very impulsive in my decision making. I found that having a lot of consensual sex, with people my own age, made me stop thinking and not worry about my thoughts. Later on in life (early 20s) I began to have more harm thoughts than sexual thoughts, for example, pushing an elder down, stabbing my brother in the throat, cutting my brother's throat, killing my sister etc. These thoughts used to make me panic and send me into the emergency room, thinking I was a serial killer in the making or something. At one point, I had a fear that maybe I was Schizophrenic because of the intrusive thoughts. I have never been diagnosed with Schizophrenia but the Doctors would prescribe me anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications.
Throughout my life and a young adult, I learned to control my anxiety with meditation and mindfulness. My panic attacks became less after I faced a panic attack about going "crazy about my existence" and "discovering that I am an eternal being or a god, because of my first-person perception". (Crazy sounding hey?). I faced my fear with prayer and had a very aggressive panic attack, only to realize that nothing happened. From there, the thoughts that caused anxiety and panic decreased to an all-time-low.
I went through cycles of religious phases to weed out any sprititual influence or entities causing my OCD harm thoughts. I emersed myself in the bible and Christianity, because it provided "answers". Sadly, after years of throurough and constant bible studies; my innate curiousity led me to atheism ( a whole different topic for another forum). I realised that there is no after life to answer to and we are temporary beings, in the spec of the universe. This idea stirred up my OCD harm thoughts, making me worry about losing it and killing someone because it wont matter in the after life. Even suicide would not matter, as there is no afterlife. These OCD thoughts caused me some anxiety and triggered some intrusive thoughts towards my partner.
Currently, I am living with a wonderful woman, very caring, gentle and loving. My OCD harm thoughts began with her about a year ago. My partner and I moved in together about 2 years ago, in a small town, with her daughter and our grand child. When her daughter and grand child moved out of the house last year, I had an OCD harm thought of losing control and strangling my partner in our room. I began to look up these symptoms and realized that they are symptoms of OCD tendencies. I eventually "shook" the thought away, yet it crept around here and there. I would make sure I was not alone with my partner and I would try to assure that someone was close when we were alone. I would never hurt my partner, as I love her so much, but the thoughts made me wonder if I was capable of such a horrible thing. The strangling thoughts went away but eventually replaced themselves with stabbing thoughts. I would be weary of knives and avoided my partner a lot, because I did not want to hurt her (even though I know they are not real). We moved to a different place, temporarily, as our home was being rebuilt and I seemed to have had peace for a few months. One night, after a night of drinking at the local bar (I am a musician and had a gig at the local bar to play music for pay and free drinks), I came home to sleep. My partner was sleeping and I cuddled her as I normally did. My partner was snoring and letting out small pain-sounding moans here and there. I had intrusive thoughts of strangling her in her sleep, imagining her as a frog, of all things... These thoughts disturbed me and made me panic. I read articles on my phone about intrusive thoughts until I fell asleep from exhaustion. Since then, my intrusive thoughts got worse and I have them more often.
I commute for work everyday and I would just love to drive and reflect on my life, work day and mornings. Now, my mind is plagued with intrusive thoughts about my partner and strangling her or stabbing her. I began to develop a hazy-state feeling when the thoughts intruded. For instance, I would have an intrusive thought pass by, try to rationalise the thought away, and my for-head part of my brain would begin to heat up, hurt and cause me to feel drowsy. I began to distance myself from my partner to fight these thoughts and feelings, as I would NEVER hurt her (I would much rather harm myself then anyone else). The thoughts became so bad that I thought I needed some time away from home to regenerate with self-care.
Well, I went on a trip without my partner and began to feel better. Of course, alcohol was involved, as it was a familial visit in a much greater city for the weekend. I felt relief from the thoughts, but I began to make impulsive decisions. I confess, I became very drunk one night and cheated on my partner, without the conscience thought to do so. I struggled with guilt and sadness for the whole week. I did not struggle with the thoughts as often, and I had a sense of relief, but I knew that the guilt would tear me apart. I am unable to tell my partner about this issue because she is not in a great place mentally, physically and financially.
Currently, we are living off of my income because she is unable to work. Last year, my partner had a hysterectomy and developed chronic pain from nerve damage and other unknown issues. The pain caused my partner to lose her job, income, self-esteem and motivation. My partner is at home with very limited income and drive to move forward with her life due to chronic pain. This, of course, puts a strain on our relationship, as her daughter still lives with us and also relies on my income as well. We are struggling financially and I feel her adult daughter does not help financially as she should.
In the past, my partner has helped many people and these people have abandoned her with debt and other financial hardships. For instance, my partner is unable to put utilities under her name, because she ran up her bills, trying to help her family members and friends. Her family members and friends did not help her financially; they only helped her become more in dept. At this point, all of the utilities, our cell phones and bills are in my name. Further, our home is in a rural community, so transportation would be an issue for my partner, as she has no income. So, if I left her, my partner would not be in a good position financially and emotionally.
I learned to live with the fact that all of the stressors, my OCD intrusive thoughts, financial issues and mostly alcohol, are the cause for my unfaithfulness. Yes, I am aware that cheating is cheating and there is no excuse. However, I believe that OCD intrusive thoughts played a big role in this situation that I am currently in.
I am going to wait until my partner is in a better position, financially and emotionally, in order to tell her that I was unfaithful while I was drinking.
On another note, my OCD intrusive thoughts lessened and I learned to cope, yet they still poke their ugly heads up. I expose myself to the person that the thoughts are directed to and tell myself that they are not my real intentions or they do not reflect my character; rather, the thoughts are harmless OCD tendency thoughts and I would never do such an act.
I told myself I would never drink again, as this was the issue that led me to infidelity and impulsive decisions. Sadly, I went to a staff retreat and had no intention of drinking. Roommates brought wine and I thought it would be ok to have a glass. I eventually went from wine to hard liquor and became very drunk (trying to have a good time at my retreat). I resisted all temptation to make poor decisions, even with women throwing themselves at me (other female staff). Towards the end of the night, I walked home with two co-workers and I was extremely drunk. I impulsively took the advances from another new co-worker and had sex with her.
The next day, I was ridden with terrible guilt. For the remainder of the retreat, I hid in my room and had nothing to do with any of the staff. I simply went to the programming and cried in a group discussion because I felt so guilty. On my way home, I realised how much I really love my partner and how much I do not want to lose this relationship, but struggled with why I cheated while drunk. I read article upon article on drunk cheating and came to the conclusion that I MUST tell her.
I am currently waiting for us to move into the new place and for her to start school so she has an income. From there, I am going to take an elder with me and tell her that I made the two hugest mistakes of my life. I know she will not forgive me, and I deserve to be kicked to the curb. I am preparing myself mentally for this next step in my life and I am not going to blame anyone but myself. However, I know that OCD has claimed many relationships from me in the past and it IS a major key player to the impulsive decisions I have made. I will continue to live with my OCD tendencies, but seek professional help and learn to better cope with whatever this is. Sorry for the long story.
Sincerely,
A very sad and lost person
Growing up, I would have intrusive thoughts and figured it was just a normal way of living. I would have thoughts of hurting people I love, and shake my head to "cancel" the unwanted thoughts. The intrusive thoughts did not happen often, but when they did, it would cause me anxiety and I would chew my nails or do something else to forget about them. Eventually, my thoughts became of a sexual nature, and the thoughts would disgust me. Usually, the thoughts were perverse in nature, but I never acted out on them. I would avoid intimacy with others, because I thought I was a pervert for thinking such thoughts. I recall having disturbing thoughts of younger children and infants, but again, would shake my head and "cancel" the thoughts. The thoughts continued into my early teenage years, but I would always do things to ignore them or avoid them. The thoughts bounced from sexual intrusive thoughts to killing someone (eg. cutting someone's throat, pushing someone down the stairs, punching someone, or dropping a baby). I would ignore the thoughts and look at my hand to center myself, or shake my head to "cancel" the thoughts.
Eventually, I got into drugs and alcohol as a form of self-medication. I was violent, suicidal and self-destructive as a way of keeping myself clear of my mind. I was violent with other people, violent in my relationships and very impulsive in my decision making. I found that having a lot of consensual sex, with people my own age, made me stop thinking and not worry about my thoughts. Later on in life (early 20s) I began to have more harm thoughts than sexual thoughts, for example, pushing an elder down, stabbing my brother in the throat, cutting my brother's throat, killing my sister etc. These thoughts used to make me panic and send me into the emergency room, thinking I was a serial killer in the making or something. At one point, I had a fear that maybe I was Schizophrenic because of the intrusive thoughts. I have never been diagnosed with Schizophrenia but the Doctors would prescribe me anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications.
Throughout my life and a young adult, I learned to control my anxiety with meditation and mindfulness. My panic attacks became less after I faced a panic attack about going "crazy about my existence" and "discovering that I am an eternal being or a god, because of my first-person perception". (Crazy sounding hey?). I faced my fear with prayer and had a very aggressive panic attack, only to realize that nothing happened. From there, the thoughts that caused anxiety and panic decreased to an all-time-low.
I went through cycles of religious phases to weed out any sprititual influence or entities causing my OCD harm thoughts. I emersed myself in the bible and Christianity, because it provided "answers". Sadly, after years of throurough and constant bible studies; my innate curiousity led me to atheism ( a whole different topic for another forum). I realised that there is no after life to answer to and we are temporary beings, in the spec of the universe. This idea stirred up my OCD harm thoughts, making me worry about losing it and killing someone because it wont matter in the after life. Even suicide would not matter, as there is no afterlife. These OCD thoughts caused me some anxiety and triggered some intrusive thoughts towards my partner.
Currently, I am living with a wonderful woman, very caring, gentle and loving. My OCD harm thoughts began with her about a year ago. My partner and I moved in together about 2 years ago, in a small town, with her daughter and our grand child. When her daughter and grand child moved out of the house last year, I had an OCD harm thought of losing control and strangling my partner in our room. I began to look up these symptoms and realized that they are symptoms of OCD tendencies. I eventually "shook" the thought away, yet it crept around here and there. I would make sure I was not alone with my partner and I would try to assure that someone was close when we were alone. I would never hurt my partner, as I love her so much, but the thoughts made me wonder if I was capable of such a horrible thing. The strangling thoughts went away but eventually replaced themselves with stabbing thoughts. I would be weary of knives and avoided my partner a lot, because I did not want to hurt her (even though I know they are not real). We moved to a different place, temporarily, as our home was being rebuilt and I seemed to have had peace for a few months. One night, after a night of drinking at the local bar (I am a musician and had a gig at the local bar to play music for pay and free drinks), I came home to sleep. My partner was sleeping and I cuddled her as I normally did. My partner was snoring and letting out small pain-sounding moans here and there. I had intrusive thoughts of strangling her in her sleep, imagining her as a frog, of all things... These thoughts disturbed me and made me panic. I read articles on my phone about intrusive thoughts until I fell asleep from exhaustion. Since then, my intrusive thoughts got worse and I have them more often.
I commute for work everyday and I would just love to drive and reflect on my life, work day and mornings. Now, my mind is plagued with intrusive thoughts about my partner and strangling her or stabbing her. I began to develop a hazy-state feeling when the thoughts intruded. For instance, I would have an intrusive thought pass by, try to rationalise the thought away, and my for-head part of my brain would begin to heat up, hurt and cause me to feel drowsy. I began to distance myself from my partner to fight these thoughts and feelings, as I would NEVER hurt her (I would much rather harm myself then anyone else). The thoughts became so bad that I thought I needed some time away from home to regenerate with self-care.
Well, I went on a trip without my partner and began to feel better. Of course, alcohol was involved, as it was a familial visit in a much greater city for the weekend. I felt relief from the thoughts, but I began to make impulsive decisions. I confess, I became very drunk one night and cheated on my partner, without the conscience thought to do so. I struggled with guilt and sadness for the whole week. I did not struggle with the thoughts as often, and I had a sense of relief, but I knew that the guilt would tear me apart. I am unable to tell my partner about this issue because she is not in a great place mentally, physically and financially.
Currently, we are living off of my income because she is unable to work. Last year, my partner had a hysterectomy and developed chronic pain from nerve damage and other unknown issues. The pain caused my partner to lose her job, income, self-esteem and motivation. My partner is at home with very limited income and drive to move forward with her life due to chronic pain. This, of course, puts a strain on our relationship, as her daughter still lives with us and also relies on my income as well. We are struggling financially and I feel her adult daughter does not help financially as she should.
In the past, my partner has helped many people and these people have abandoned her with debt and other financial hardships. For instance, my partner is unable to put utilities under her name, because she ran up her bills, trying to help her family members and friends. Her family members and friends did not help her financially; they only helped her become more in dept. At this point, all of the utilities, our cell phones and bills are in my name. Further, our home is in a rural community, so transportation would be an issue for my partner, as she has no income. So, if I left her, my partner would not be in a good position financially and emotionally.
I learned to live with the fact that all of the stressors, my OCD intrusive thoughts, financial issues and mostly alcohol, are the cause for my unfaithfulness. Yes, I am aware that cheating is cheating and there is no excuse. However, I believe that OCD intrusive thoughts played a big role in this situation that I am currently in.
I am going to wait until my partner is in a better position, financially and emotionally, in order to tell her that I was unfaithful while I was drinking.
On another note, my OCD intrusive thoughts lessened and I learned to cope, yet they still poke their ugly heads up. I expose myself to the person that the thoughts are directed to and tell myself that they are not my real intentions or they do not reflect my character; rather, the thoughts are harmless OCD tendency thoughts and I would never do such an act.
I told myself I would never drink again, as this was the issue that led me to infidelity and impulsive decisions. Sadly, I went to a staff retreat and had no intention of drinking. Roommates brought wine and I thought it would be ok to have a glass. I eventually went from wine to hard liquor and became very drunk (trying to have a good time at my retreat). I resisted all temptation to make poor decisions, even with women throwing themselves at me (other female staff). Towards the end of the night, I walked home with two co-workers and I was extremely drunk. I impulsively took the advances from another new co-worker and had sex with her.
The next day, I was ridden with terrible guilt. For the remainder of the retreat, I hid in my room and had nothing to do with any of the staff. I simply went to the programming and cried in a group discussion because I felt so guilty. On my way home, I realised how much I really love my partner and how much I do not want to lose this relationship, but struggled with why I cheated while drunk. I read article upon article on drunk cheating and came to the conclusion that I MUST tell her.
I am currently waiting for us to move into the new place and for her to start school so she has an income. From there, I am going to take an elder with me and tell her that I made the two hugest mistakes of my life. I know she will not forgive me, and I deserve to be kicked to the curb. I am preparing myself mentally for this next step in my life and I am not going to blame anyone but myself. However, I know that OCD has claimed many relationships from me in the past and it IS a major key player to the impulsive decisions I have made. I will continue to live with my OCD tendencies, but seek professional help and learn to better cope with whatever this is. Sorry for the long story.
Sincerely,
A very sad and lost person