View Full Version : Winning the OCD battle: hope after 25 years
Today I had a good experience. I beat OCD. I had an obsession whilst driving. My body was boiling, my blood ran cold. I thought "I can't cope with this obsession". Then I decided to face it head on. I told myself I probably did what I was afraid of doing, that I was probably a bad person...responsible for so many things...I wanted to check (compulsion) and relieve myself from my panic. But I didn't. I focussed on the words my son spoke, on the surroundings, I went shopping, spoke to the shopkeeper...then I gave my obsession a number out of ten. FOUR. I went home and told nobody about my angst. I went about my business and then started to see life once more for what is was. Life. Life with OCD. And I laughed as I rated my anguish at 2 or 3.
Years ago this obsession would have floored me. I have had OCD for 26 years. I am 38. There is a way out. Some days I can say I am OCD free yet as a teenager I locked myself in my room and refused to leave it as even the air in my house was dirty. I stayed in there for days weeping. I never went to school on Mondays. I ran away if I was sent there. I was very nearly sectioned at thirteen. Now I take the bus, the underground. I pick things off the pavement. I don't freak out if a plaster floats by in the swimming pool. I don't really have OCD anymore. I had to learn how to live as others do and now I see others around me with obsessions I never saw in them before.
Beating OCD is REALLY hard and it is a job in itself. It is the hardest thing I have ever done (exposure therapy) but it has honestly saved my life. This battle is worth tackling and today for me was the proof.
Hey it's really great to read this, congrats for your strenght and will to beat this demon! :) What key advices could you give to sufferers if it's not a problem if I ask?
Again it's really good to read, I wish you all the best! God bless. :)
Thank you! What is your story?
I do have a few tips. I have been fighting OCD for so many years but with great committment for 5 years now.
Tip 1: If you want to fight you have to have nothing to lose which means that sometimes sadly you have to be at rock bottom and WANT to get out. I had the worst obsession of my life one summer and wanted to die. That was my turning point. OCD was going to kill me. I found the best psychiatrist I could in my city and saw he had a waiting list of a year so I sent him a private letter outlining my case and I was his patient a month later. Be prepared then to be sneaky in order to get GOOD help FAST.
Tip 2: Know that the treatment is often more painful than OCD itself but remember that it will possibly put you into regular remission or even "cure" you.
Tip 3: Think of OCD as you might diabetes. Respect that you have a chronic illness and treat it with respect meaning that you don't berate yourself and you listen to your needs without avoidance.
Tip 4: NEVER MAKE NOTES. I burned all mine. They were making me too ill. I checked them all the time. They served as compulsion material.
Tip 5: Never ask for reassurance. If it's OCD do not fall into that trap. It will go round and round and round. It'll be the bite you itch.
Tip 6: Limit stress. It makes OCD worse. Limit exposure to negative people for the same reason.
Tip 7: Challenge yourself but GRADUALLY. If it's too hard take a friend the first few times. Don't overdo challenges or you wreck your confidence and fear ever trying again.
Tip 8: Copy people. Watch how people react and function and do the same.
Tip 9: Reward yorself regularly for the smallest success.
Tip 10: When you are at the end of your tether, when you are terrified, when you really think you can take no more, THAT is when you can rise out of the ashes and come into your own. One day in summer I wanted to end my life and I ended up 5 years later free of OCD 90% of the time. It takes time and it takes energy and it takes courage and there will be moments when you wonder WHY WHY WHY but it is worth it. My journey makes me proud: more so than anything else I have achieved.
I have more work to do. I stopped exposure therapy as I was diagnosed at Christmas as having Cyclothymia but when I have taken that on board and am settled again, I want to do more exposure therapy.
I have one last thought: the bravery you display (at your OWN level) will make you feel confident. It doesn't matter if you simply open the door to put out the bin. Something so insignificant to others is a miracle sometimes.
The smallest thing you do when you have OCD, the smallest step you take should be celebrated. It is a case of tiny steps over many months / years. It doesn't matter how long it takes. YOU can choose the pace. One day my success was putting bottles in a bottle bank! I was so proud people would have potentially found my pride ridiculous but my heart soared!
Everyone is different. There is no bench mark. The aim is simply to be able to make choices and not feel bound by OCD.
Lastly: If you can't do it, if it's a s**t day and you can't face leaving the house, don't be hard on yourself. On those days I lie low. I don't feel guilty anymore about the days that don't work. I know I have come a long way so I cut myself slack for the difficult days and try to gather strength for the next!
Thank you very much for your answer. :)
Well, my story, I was always and overthinking, overreacting, overstressing type of person even at a very young age.Now I'm a 17 years old female struggling with HOCD *obsessing about what if my orientation changed, which is impossible and ridiculous I know :D * but I think I'm on the path of recovery.
It all started around the end of February when a bi girl started to be too friendly with me, like waited with me after class and all, and even wanted to go to the cinema with me. I think it's important that I'm not homophobic. So long story short I got scared what if she thinks I'm like her regarding my orientation. These constant thoughts caused her appearance in my dreams, these dreams were simple, like talking to her like in school, nothing more *which made me even more stressed, and I didn't enjoy it* and one day woke up in terror asking the question what led me to really obsessing.
At first it was pure hell, checking, checking past experiences, childhood memories, getting a few false memories because of overthinking, getting relaxed after getting reassurance and then the cycle continued.
Then when I felt like I couldn't take this any longer I discovered this question is completely needless and the thoughts are alien, this led me to research, then I discovered this form of OCD. Since then I am on a rollercoaster of feelings. I have my first serious relationship, and OCD tries to attack it *saying I don't love my boyfriend and all* but I can recognize when it's OCD trying to get *more* into my head so I can handle it. I started doing exposure, started a "symptom journal" *when I started to take the process of recovery seriously which meant no checking and doing exposure* where I write about my recovery, my feelings, because this way after I read it out loud I know how ridicolous my problem is, and my OCD thoughts are really just thoughts and not real feelings.I started to defeat this demon with knowledge, and not reassurance.
And I have to say that after around 2 months of reducing checking to the minimum, after taking it all seriously and not falling for it's lies, sometimes I feel like my old self, I feel FREE, I feel sane again after I started to take recovery and exposure seriously. I think I'm on the brink of recovery, I can see the light out of the darkness of these lies and these days are more and more common. Sometimes my thoughts are almost gone!
What you said about exposure is completely right, when I experience 'spikes' , lately I experienced it for an entire day, because I went to a huge gamer get-together, and started fully obsessing, my mind started saying all the lies of OCD and I didn't check, just let the stress come. After that day I felt great, like why did I even obsess about this. But after days like this it always becomes a bit more difficult, it tries to pull me back I guess, but I just take the "leap of faith" because I knew who I was before all this started, and I still know who I am. And this makes me more and more stronger and confident.
Huh, I hope I could keep my story brief, and please excuse my English. :)
Thank you very much for your advices and that you wrote soo many, I think staying away from forums because of reassurance seeking is also important plus reading other's stories related to your problem also could be a huge pull back. But correct me if I'm wrong, thank you again. :)
You're only 17! I thought you were much older. Well, you're doing REALLY well for 17 and coming out through OCD fast! I'm impressed as you are very very young! And your English is really very very good! I'm an English teacher so I know! ;-)
I'm really impressed by your methods...and they seem to work. Don't be afraid of blips. It's not from those days that we define recovery.
Yes, not checking is essential. You have to get through it though and it is SO SO tempting. I know. I had the desire to check something just today but the desire is gone in seconds these days as I have trained myself to get over it. It's tough but so much better than when I was doing it and so miserable for it.
It IS important that a forum is constructive. Warm and comforting but not reassuring. I once went to a support group for OCD suffererers. There was no psy, no specialist. The group was about just talking about everything that was going wrong and everyone was just sympathising and then sitting in silence. I was offering the ideas that my psy had given me but nobody seemed to want to stop being as they were. I was like that at one point. I get it totally that staying as one is is easier and feels safer - we have all gone through that but I came away from that experience feeling nervy again and worse than when I went in and that shouldn't happen with support groups! I was so stressed at the time and pregnant and I had gone hoping to come away feeling positive. You should be urging oneanother REALLY gently to go forward with respect to individual fear of COURSE. But you have to go forward. REALLY slowly if you like but you have to go on. One step forward two back...any way you can but keep on.
Thank you very much, truth to be told I don't know how I learned to speak English on this level, maybe learning languages is what I'm good at. :)
I think I'm definetly getting better, today I went into the nearest town and had no thoughts regarding my OCD at all, no anxiety, nothing! One or two of the usual thoughts came, tried to tempt me into checking but they passed just as quickly. I can't describe how happy I am. And these great days are getting more and more common, I think I had my tourning point this weekend, after that axposure day.
About support groups I think it's essential to find the right one for you that really fits you, your needs if you need talk therapy, so you can start recovering efficiently. I'm sorry to read that period of time, but as you said you are better now which is great. :) I mostly use forums to get advices and only used to read stories how others overcome this form of OCD. Now I don't do this, have 1-2 stories saved if I need advice about my methods.
The first period of this recovery process was the worts, I was impatient, and the 1 step frontwards 2 step backwards always pulled me back.I think I can thank my relatively fast recovery *which is not 100% but I know I'm close* to my stubbornness. I don't like to lose, so the fact that my problem was about alien thoughts, about an alien, non-existing "possible" change made me a bit mad and this was what pushed me forward. And the fact that I was not scared but annoyed by the thoughts. Now as I'm writing this I can say 100% sure that I'm calm, there is no anxiety, no spike, no thoughts trying to get into my head again. :)
Thank you very much for reading my story and answering to it! :) Have a nice day! :)
You're Hungarian? Well again your English is incredible.
I'm very very happy for you that you are making your way out and that you want to get better. It is not always obvious to oneself!
I am even in difficulty a happy person with great optimism which is what made crisis so unbearable. It didn't feel like my nature!
Yes it is good to use forums for advice and I have had some excellent advice / support.
I too am VERY stubborn and I hate failing myself. I hate to feel I'm not trying hard enough. My psychiatrist and psychologist recently told me I had gone too far in my challenges (I did fall apart but I did make it back alive) and my psychiatrist used to try and slow me down with my exercises which was funny as it is just in my nature to want to get back up when I am down! And I was so impatient. I was so miserable being that ill that the worst exposure therapy was surely going to be easier to bear than what I was going through! So yes. Stubborn helps.
Yes I am. Thank you.It's actually great to see you are from France, I study in a school maintained by the French. :) And I'm happy that you are this well. :) And I'm also happy that you could get through all this, when you went too far with exposures but still managed to make a comeback and now be happy and free. :) Suffering was really unbearable, no wonder with this kind of personality we were so impatient and we fought using the strongest weapons.
Yes, I had times when I doubted if it was even OCD, it was horrible, but I couldn't give in to the thoughts and that's what kept me on the right path. Also in the beggining, I had an urge to come out to my parents but as soon as I discovered my problem this faded and this was a good little handrail to keep me sane. Thinking back, it was rather funny and ridiculous. :D
Well all in all I think our stubborn and positive personality about this illness is what helps us a lot in the time of need. :) I wish you all the best! :)
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