Eventhesparrows
27-06-17, 18:27
Do you struggle with guilt because of your worry/anxiety?
I do.
Right now I'm in the thick of it with sudden dizziness that's causing my number one fear to come to the surface again (I was doing pretty well there for a while!) - the fear of having a brain tumor.
Maybe it's because I'm a mother of 3 small children (ages 6, 4, and 1) and the thought of not being there for them saddens me. I often have thoughts of saying goodbye while lying in a bed, or thoughts of having to tell my children what's going on, and them being sad. Spending my final days wishing I had more time with them, ect. Even typing this brings tears to my eyes.
Maybe it's because I treasure my marriage and relish the thought of growing old with my husband. But I'm often filled with thoughts of me saying goodbye to him, lying in bed, reflecting on all of the good times we've had together...wishing for more time with him. Seeing him getting married to another woman in my mind - the new mother to my children. Again...typing this with tear filled eyes.
And then, I remember that Jesus himself told us not to worry (Matthew 6:25-34) - over and over again the Bible talks about reasons why we shouldn't fear. And when fear fills my mind, body, soul, and spirit....I feel like a failure. Even into the depths of my spirit, I am downcast. I mean, I'm a Christian. If anyone should have hope, IT SHOULD BE ME!
I often fear that because of my disobedience, the Lord will allow the very thing I fear the most to come to pass in my life - simply to draw me away from my idols and draw me closer to Him. I fear He is disappointed in me. And while at times that may be true, it just reminds me how much there is for me still to learn about God's character.
If we, health anxiety sufferers, view this as an actual disease - anxiety, OCD, whatever - then we must think that God hurts for us. Scripture says that He is a good father, that knows the desires of our hearts. And like any good father, He desires to give good gifts to his children. (Matthew 7:8-11). So if I am, in fact, diagnosed with my biggest fear...then somehow, someway, it's a gift. And not only a gift, but a GOOD gift. Romans 8:28 tells us "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." In ALL things. Even the bad things. Even the scary things.
But, if we view this fear as idol based (I cherish my life, my children, my spouse, ect. more than God's will and plan for my life) - maybe He will humble us? Just as He did the Israelites? Like any good father, He disciplines His children - those He loves - so that we will no longer live in sin, but draw nearer to Him - in full reliance and trust. And this may just be a bigger fear than my biggest fear. That I, somehow, brought this upon myself (if, in fact, my biggest fear becomes a reality).
While I do believe I have a disease (OCD), I also believe that there are things in my life I need to surrender, and learn to trust in God more - not in myself, my way, my control, my wants and desires. Because while I know and believe that God's plans for my life are better than my own, it's hard to let go. Extremely hard. But when we let go, our Heavenly Father's loving arms are right there to catch us.
But here I am. Posting on here...in the thick of it. Struggling with all that I am to let go, trust in God, and pray for the best.
In Christ,
Eventhesparrows.
I do.
Right now I'm in the thick of it with sudden dizziness that's causing my number one fear to come to the surface again (I was doing pretty well there for a while!) - the fear of having a brain tumor.
Maybe it's because I'm a mother of 3 small children (ages 6, 4, and 1) and the thought of not being there for them saddens me. I often have thoughts of saying goodbye while lying in a bed, or thoughts of having to tell my children what's going on, and them being sad. Spending my final days wishing I had more time with them, ect. Even typing this brings tears to my eyes.
Maybe it's because I treasure my marriage and relish the thought of growing old with my husband. But I'm often filled with thoughts of me saying goodbye to him, lying in bed, reflecting on all of the good times we've had together...wishing for more time with him. Seeing him getting married to another woman in my mind - the new mother to my children. Again...typing this with tear filled eyes.
And then, I remember that Jesus himself told us not to worry (Matthew 6:25-34) - over and over again the Bible talks about reasons why we shouldn't fear. And when fear fills my mind, body, soul, and spirit....I feel like a failure. Even into the depths of my spirit, I am downcast. I mean, I'm a Christian. If anyone should have hope, IT SHOULD BE ME!
I often fear that because of my disobedience, the Lord will allow the very thing I fear the most to come to pass in my life - simply to draw me away from my idols and draw me closer to Him. I fear He is disappointed in me. And while at times that may be true, it just reminds me how much there is for me still to learn about God's character.
If we, health anxiety sufferers, view this as an actual disease - anxiety, OCD, whatever - then we must think that God hurts for us. Scripture says that He is a good father, that knows the desires of our hearts. And like any good father, He desires to give good gifts to his children. (Matthew 7:8-11). So if I am, in fact, diagnosed with my biggest fear...then somehow, someway, it's a gift. And not only a gift, but a GOOD gift. Romans 8:28 tells us "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." In ALL things. Even the bad things. Even the scary things.
But, if we view this fear as idol based (I cherish my life, my children, my spouse, ect. more than God's will and plan for my life) - maybe He will humble us? Just as He did the Israelites? Like any good father, He disciplines His children - those He loves - so that we will no longer live in sin, but draw nearer to Him - in full reliance and trust. And this may just be a bigger fear than my biggest fear. That I, somehow, brought this upon myself (if, in fact, my biggest fear becomes a reality).
While I do believe I have a disease (OCD), I also believe that there are things in my life I need to surrender, and learn to trust in God more - not in myself, my way, my control, my wants and desires. Because while I know and believe that God's plans for my life are better than my own, it's hard to let go. Extremely hard. But when we let go, our Heavenly Father's loving arms are right there to catch us.
But here I am. Posting on here...in the thick of it. Struggling with all that I am to let go, trust in God, and pray for the best.
In Christ,
Eventhesparrows.