Rosie99
30-06-17, 23:29
Hi, I really want to tell you my story since Im lost in what I think is hocd.
Im 18 years old girl, who was very happy with life since this ocd attacked.
First of all I think its important to talk about obsessions that I've had through all my life accompanied by compulsions that made me feel good. Such as like setting the tv volume to certain numbers, eating in a certain order, erasing to perfection when im writing, and feeling discomfort over uncompleted tasks in general. What bugged and still bugs me the most at some times is the feeling of deralization and depersonalization, I would always look at the mirror or felt dizzy about asking myself about if this is real, if I was real, if my parents were really my parents, and that kind of thoughts, sometimes I was able to brush it off and sometimes it actually made me depressed and lost.
Beside of that my life was actually really happy and normal, I can recall developing attractions to guys since I was very little, my sisters and brother used to tease me whenever my brothers friends where in the house because whenever I was close to one of his best friends I blushed and felt silly and smiley, he was my first crush ever, I was around 5. My life continued being a happy life with no doubts or second thoughts about my sexuality, all I knew about it was that I liked boys. When I was around 6 or 7 my cousin and I had imaginary boyfriends, one time we decided to kiss just to know what a kiss was in order to "practice" for our boyfriends in the future. As I grew older and learned about sexuality I felt bad about that experience with my cousin, disgusted, I wished it never happened, I regreted it so much!.
Anyway my life kept on and I kinda forgot about it and continued having crushes over boys and it felt so natural. When I turned about 9 or 10 I felt something weird suddenly I didnt have any kind of attraction to boys, it made me extremely sad that I couldnt feel attracted to boys because it was really important for me, because having crushes on boy made me feel great. I even remember telling my mom that I was feeling that way and that I thought I was a lesbian, even though all I felt was loss of attraction and she asked me "do you like a girl or feel some kind of attraction towards girls?" I remember saying no, that it was just loss of attraction and I used to cry everyday because of it, because I wanted to like guys again. After a month I was able to reconnect to that part of me that loved having male crushes and I went back to normal liking guys and having crushes on them. I was a chubby girl, and my friends were all skinny, so they had all of the guys attention, it made me feel so sad that no guy liked me or wanted me, but I was able to deal with it, I even remember in sixth grade having a huge crush over a guy and he was into my friend and he liked to tell me about how much he liked her, I remember crying to every text he sent me about how crazy in love he was with her, i wished I was her.
Through all high school guys started to flirt with girls and to ask them on dates, I was the girl that had lots of friends but 0 dates like none, in my 18 years old Ive never been on a date, and I felt so bad and sad about it but since I was little I have always had in mind that guys were the ones that had to approach girls so I never made a "move". Im latin so when you turn 14 here you start going to "quinceañeras", its like a party where you celebrate being presented as a woman to society, I didnt have a quinceañera since my family is not that wealthy to let me have a party as my other friends did, and for me it had to be huge or it couldnt happen, it was also affected by the fact that I was concious about not having enough friends to fill the party, so I just enjoyed going to my friends parties. In that parties guys asked girls to dance and I was excited about it, because I was never the girl guys wanted to date but I was the one who guys wanted to dance with, I felt so great whenever a guy asked me to dance, again we are latin so our dancing is purely sensual, I looooved, I mean ADORED being sexy for them, having their body touching mine was the best thing ever, since guys didnt ask me out on dates it was actually all that I had, but it was the thing that made me happier. At the same time I started to watch porn, straight porn which aroused me, and the I moved to lesbian porn, I found it easier to get off to it since I could compare my pleasure to the actresses, watching it wasnt about the girls it was all about the pleassure and me relating to theirs, just pleassure not appreciating their bodies or their faces, female bodies have never seemed appealing to me, after watching porn I felt gross because it was a girl on girl thing, and I felt wrong for just the fact of masturbating, but anyway I kept doing it, and althought it made me feel gross it never made me question my sexuality, I always considered myself straight and never even had to think about it, it was just natural. I started drinking from a very young age, 12 years old, so drinking was and still is a part of my life, my first kiss was when I was 15, I was drunk, he was drunk and I couldnt concentrate, in fact I was a little disapointed because I was expecting more. Life kept on and I started wanting to have a boyfriend but Ive never been very lucky with guys, so I there wasnt any guys interested in me, I would daydream about having a boyfriend to do cute stuff with him, having sex with him, being happy around him. I used to go to sleep yearning that all of those made up scenarios came true. Since all my friends started dating I made up I had boyfriends, and it felt good to at least imagine that it could be true, I loved talking about guys even tho I didnt have one interested in me.
When I turned 17 I was invited to a party, I was really close to my two best friends at the time a boy and a girl, they were both pretty open minded about everything so I tried to keep up with that life style not making comments about wether or not I was okay with many things, that day we went to the party and got really drunk then went back to my place the three of us, we ordered more booze and started drinking it, for some reason the threeway kiss popped up that day and I wasnt into it but I did it anyway just to go with it, things turned sexual and the guy started fingering me and the girl started licking me, I tried to push her away and her words were "its fine just enjoy", I for sure was not enjoying it, I faked the orgasm just to get them off of me, the guy left and I was alone with the girl, I was really drunk, she took her pants off and took my hand and placed it in her vagina, again I didnt want to do it but I did it, I was drunk and actually stopped because I wasnt okay with it, then we started talking about how meaningless it was, it wasnt meaningless to me, for me it was the worst thing that I could have ever done, I felt gross, disgusted at myself, I isolated myself for 2 months because of it, I couldnt be near them, by the time I understood that I was drunk and that it already happened so i couldnt hate my life and I started to forgive myself and them. I brushed it off and kept on with my life, I graduated from high school, everything was fine, I started college and the first weeks I felt depressed but got through it, I started to feel better and to do good with my grades and quickly I was okay again, I became friends with a nice guy who I wasnt attracted to physically but I started to enjoy talking and joking with him more and more, I even felt kinda nervous when I was around him. Then we went on vacation and started talking less and less. At that exact same time hocd appeared, I was at my nephews birthday party and I saw a hot guy, but strangely I wasnt trying to be hot for him nor made an effort for him to notice me, it was when it all kicked in, "you are not attracted to him so you must be gay" I was freaked out, I started noticing that I couldnt feel attracted to any guys and that I wasnt trying to get their attention, it was hell, it felt like I lost the most important thing about myself, I wanted to have my life back, I was so into guys that I couldnt believe this was happening to me, suddenly I couldnt brush the thoughts off, I felt like vomiting all day, I started to eat less and less, to cry all day, it was really bad, I didnt want to go out, I was obsessed with make up after hocd, I loved going out just so I could beat my face up with some nice make up, since hocd attacked it is gone, I suddenly wasnt interested in anything, I isolated myself in my room for days, until one day when it got worse I started to have intrusive thoughts about being transgender, it was hell, at the time i thought it all made sense, the loss of attraction, the never been able to have a relationship, everything seemed so "clear" the thing is that the thoughts were a nightmare it didnt feel right, I was scared of them, I even had two pannick attacks about it, one night I woke up all sweaty thinking "I want to have a penis" I was destroyed. Then by the time it went away pretty slowly but hocd stayed, so did the compulsions, all day long I would be sitting, talking, walking more girly in order to reassure that I was still a straight female, I even pannicked over having a crush on one of my girl classmates, it was hell because I felt like I had the urge to be around her and that I wanted to be with her. It was all fake, but I did started noticing women more and couldnt find guys attractive anymore. Its hell, I still cant find many guys attractive and Ive lost the ability to imagine myself in romantic scenarios with them, I dont yearn being sexy to them anymore, and what scares me the most is that now I imagine myself in romantic scenarios with women and I dont get the anxiety, it feels as if I liked it and that its what would make me happy, I wish I was dead, Its like now I feel about women what I used to feel about men, I hate it I want to feel disgusted about it, I want my life back.
I had a few sexual experiences with two guys recently and while in it I felt so great, so horny about their manly body, but as soon as it was over, I couldnt feel anything, like if I was a robot, Ive gone through every stage about hocd ive felt scared, lonely, angry, emotional, everything. As I write this I feel like this is all a lie that I was never straight and that Ive always wanted girls, I deep down know Im straight but at least right know I just feel gay, and Im "okay" with it. Fake attractions, urges, fake feelings and emotions about the scenarios that pop in my head. I would rather just commit suicide than to live that way. I feel so numb that recently a car almost hit me while I was crossing the street that I felt nothing, I actually felt like I wanted it to run over me. This has made me grow appart from one of my friends because she is a lesbian, as for reassurance I even asked her about how did she know she was a lesbian and everything she told me, days after I started to feel like it and it freaked me out, because I feel like Ive morphed into what I feared the most, I pray everyday to god to help me and give me my life back, whenever I read the bible and go to the church I feel good because I know that I wouldnt engage into a homosexual experience because for my beliefs it has always been a sin (no ofense its just my beliefs, I really respect the lgbt+ community) but right now for me it feels as if the only way I could be happy is with a girl, and it freaks me out and all I want is to have my old feelings towards men, I miss my old self so much. Now I feel like a lesbian and Im okay with it and that is just a matter of time for just start dating, but I dont want to.
Im 18 years old girl, who was very happy with life since this ocd attacked.
First of all I think its important to talk about obsessions that I've had through all my life accompanied by compulsions that made me feel good. Such as like setting the tv volume to certain numbers, eating in a certain order, erasing to perfection when im writing, and feeling discomfort over uncompleted tasks in general. What bugged and still bugs me the most at some times is the feeling of deralization and depersonalization, I would always look at the mirror or felt dizzy about asking myself about if this is real, if I was real, if my parents were really my parents, and that kind of thoughts, sometimes I was able to brush it off and sometimes it actually made me depressed and lost.
Beside of that my life was actually really happy and normal, I can recall developing attractions to guys since I was very little, my sisters and brother used to tease me whenever my brothers friends where in the house because whenever I was close to one of his best friends I blushed and felt silly and smiley, he was my first crush ever, I was around 5. My life continued being a happy life with no doubts or second thoughts about my sexuality, all I knew about it was that I liked boys. When I was around 6 or 7 my cousin and I had imaginary boyfriends, one time we decided to kiss just to know what a kiss was in order to "practice" for our boyfriends in the future. As I grew older and learned about sexuality I felt bad about that experience with my cousin, disgusted, I wished it never happened, I regreted it so much!.
Anyway my life kept on and I kinda forgot about it and continued having crushes over boys and it felt so natural. When I turned about 9 or 10 I felt something weird suddenly I didnt have any kind of attraction to boys, it made me extremely sad that I couldnt feel attracted to boys because it was really important for me, because having crushes on boy made me feel great. I even remember telling my mom that I was feeling that way and that I thought I was a lesbian, even though all I felt was loss of attraction and she asked me "do you like a girl or feel some kind of attraction towards girls?" I remember saying no, that it was just loss of attraction and I used to cry everyday because of it, because I wanted to like guys again. After a month I was able to reconnect to that part of me that loved having male crushes and I went back to normal liking guys and having crushes on them. I was a chubby girl, and my friends were all skinny, so they had all of the guys attention, it made me feel so sad that no guy liked me or wanted me, but I was able to deal with it, I even remember in sixth grade having a huge crush over a guy and he was into my friend and he liked to tell me about how much he liked her, I remember crying to every text he sent me about how crazy in love he was with her, i wished I was her.
Through all high school guys started to flirt with girls and to ask them on dates, I was the girl that had lots of friends but 0 dates like none, in my 18 years old Ive never been on a date, and I felt so bad and sad about it but since I was little I have always had in mind that guys were the ones that had to approach girls so I never made a "move". Im latin so when you turn 14 here you start going to "quinceañeras", its like a party where you celebrate being presented as a woman to society, I didnt have a quinceañera since my family is not that wealthy to let me have a party as my other friends did, and for me it had to be huge or it couldnt happen, it was also affected by the fact that I was concious about not having enough friends to fill the party, so I just enjoyed going to my friends parties. In that parties guys asked girls to dance and I was excited about it, because I was never the girl guys wanted to date but I was the one who guys wanted to dance with, I felt so great whenever a guy asked me to dance, again we are latin so our dancing is purely sensual, I looooved, I mean ADORED being sexy for them, having their body touching mine was the best thing ever, since guys didnt ask me out on dates it was actually all that I had, but it was the thing that made me happier. At the same time I started to watch porn, straight porn which aroused me, and the I moved to lesbian porn, I found it easier to get off to it since I could compare my pleasure to the actresses, watching it wasnt about the girls it was all about the pleassure and me relating to theirs, just pleassure not appreciating their bodies or their faces, female bodies have never seemed appealing to me, after watching porn I felt gross because it was a girl on girl thing, and I felt wrong for just the fact of masturbating, but anyway I kept doing it, and althought it made me feel gross it never made me question my sexuality, I always considered myself straight and never even had to think about it, it was just natural. I started drinking from a very young age, 12 years old, so drinking was and still is a part of my life, my first kiss was when I was 15, I was drunk, he was drunk and I couldnt concentrate, in fact I was a little disapointed because I was expecting more. Life kept on and I started wanting to have a boyfriend but Ive never been very lucky with guys, so I there wasnt any guys interested in me, I would daydream about having a boyfriend to do cute stuff with him, having sex with him, being happy around him. I used to go to sleep yearning that all of those made up scenarios came true. Since all my friends started dating I made up I had boyfriends, and it felt good to at least imagine that it could be true, I loved talking about guys even tho I didnt have one interested in me.
When I turned 17 I was invited to a party, I was really close to my two best friends at the time a boy and a girl, they were both pretty open minded about everything so I tried to keep up with that life style not making comments about wether or not I was okay with many things, that day we went to the party and got really drunk then went back to my place the three of us, we ordered more booze and started drinking it, for some reason the threeway kiss popped up that day and I wasnt into it but I did it anyway just to go with it, things turned sexual and the guy started fingering me and the girl started licking me, I tried to push her away and her words were "its fine just enjoy", I for sure was not enjoying it, I faked the orgasm just to get them off of me, the guy left and I was alone with the girl, I was really drunk, she took her pants off and took my hand and placed it in her vagina, again I didnt want to do it but I did it, I was drunk and actually stopped because I wasnt okay with it, then we started talking about how meaningless it was, it wasnt meaningless to me, for me it was the worst thing that I could have ever done, I felt gross, disgusted at myself, I isolated myself for 2 months because of it, I couldnt be near them, by the time I understood that I was drunk and that it already happened so i couldnt hate my life and I started to forgive myself and them. I brushed it off and kept on with my life, I graduated from high school, everything was fine, I started college and the first weeks I felt depressed but got through it, I started to feel better and to do good with my grades and quickly I was okay again, I became friends with a nice guy who I wasnt attracted to physically but I started to enjoy talking and joking with him more and more, I even felt kinda nervous when I was around him. Then we went on vacation and started talking less and less. At that exact same time hocd appeared, I was at my nephews birthday party and I saw a hot guy, but strangely I wasnt trying to be hot for him nor made an effort for him to notice me, it was when it all kicked in, "you are not attracted to him so you must be gay" I was freaked out, I started noticing that I couldnt feel attracted to any guys and that I wasnt trying to get their attention, it was hell, it felt like I lost the most important thing about myself, I wanted to have my life back, I was so into guys that I couldnt believe this was happening to me, suddenly I couldnt brush the thoughts off, I felt like vomiting all day, I started to eat less and less, to cry all day, it was really bad, I didnt want to go out, I was obsessed with make up after hocd, I loved going out just so I could beat my face up with some nice make up, since hocd attacked it is gone, I suddenly wasnt interested in anything, I isolated myself in my room for days, until one day when it got worse I started to have intrusive thoughts about being transgender, it was hell, at the time i thought it all made sense, the loss of attraction, the never been able to have a relationship, everything seemed so "clear" the thing is that the thoughts were a nightmare it didnt feel right, I was scared of them, I even had two pannick attacks about it, one night I woke up all sweaty thinking "I want to have a penis" I was destroyed. Then by the time it went away pretty slowly but hocd stayed, so did the compulsions, all day long I would be sitting, talking, walking more girly in order to reassure that I was still a straight female, I even pannicked over having a crush on one of my girl classmates, it was hell because I felt like I had the urge to be around her and that I wanted to be with her. It was all fake, but I did started noticing women more and couldnt find guys attractive anymore. Its hell, I still cant find many guys attractive and Ive lost the ability to imagine myself in romantic scenarios with them, I dont yearn being sexy to them anymore, and what scares me the most is that now I imagine myself in romantic scenarios with women and I dont get the anxiety, it feels as if I liked it and that its what would make me happy, I wish I was dead, Its like now I feel about women what I used to feel about men, I hate it I want to feel disgusted about it, I want my life back.
I had a few sexual experiences with two guys recently and while in it I felt so great, so horny about their manly body, but as soon as it was over, I couldnt feel anything, like if I was a robot, Ive gone through every stage about hocd ive felt scared, lonely, angry, emotional, everything. As I write this I feel like this is all a lie that I was never straight and that Ive always wanted girls, I deep down know Im straight but at least right know I just feel gay, and Im "okay" with it. Fake attractions, urges, fake feelings and emotions about the scenarios that pop in my head. I would rather just commit suicide than to live that way. I feel so numb that recently a car almost hit me while I was crossing the street that I felt nothing, I actually felt like I wanted it to run over me. This has made me grow appart from one of my friends because she is a lesbian, as for reassurance I even asked her about how did she know she was a lesbian and everything she told me, days after I started to feel like it and it freaked me out, because I feel like Ive morphed into what I feared the most, I pray everyday to god to help me and give me my life back, whenever I read the bible and go to the church I feel good because I know that I wouldnt engage into a homosexual experience because for my beliefs it has always been a sin (no ofense its just my beliefs, I really respect the lgbt+ community) but right now for me it feels as if the only way I could be happy is with a girl, and it freaks me out and all I want is to have my old feelings towards men, I miss my old self so much. Now I feel like a lesbian and Im okay with it and that is just a matter of time for just start dating, but I dont want to.