in utter dread. endless horrible thoughts of death and family dying.

[Anxietynez]

Hi all. i'm at an all time low with anxiety and what seems to be OCD now. my mind is endlessly filled with horrific thoughts about something terrible happening to my loved ones, especially those closest to me. anything is a trigger, i now associate anything and everything with something to do with death, e.g i hear the word cold, lifeless, asleep, and i instantly have visions of my loved ones in a bad state. these horrible images only applied to a single family member about a two months ago, but then suddenly after a panic attack during the night they have become about another family member. i now just essentially don't sleep, even the thought of sleeping scares me. the worst part is even when i hear my loved ones speaking to me my subconscious actively searches for something horrible about death to tie in with whatever they say. i've tried all sorts of methods to stop myself from thinking these thoughts but nothing works, and i'm at breaking point. i've been lightly self harming when the panic gets too great by hitting my head to try and get the thoughts away. i feel utterly insane. i've had a history of anxiety, but that was always about my health, and never about anyone else. i wish so much that this was health anxiety about me instead of my family members. i can't keep on living like this. i don't know what to do and am scared of being like this forever.

[AntsyVee]

This is a very common PTSD side effect. Did you experience any trauma recently?

[Anxietynez]

This is a very common PTSD side effect. Did you experience any trauma recently?

the only thing i can think of was a movie i watched with my family on world war 2 that had heavy themes of death. besides this i lost my father 5 years ago but i thought that i had managed to overcome that grief.i do remember having intrusive thoughts before my father passed aswell which have scarred me but i have managed to put those thoughts behind myself for a long time

[AntsyVee]

Yeah, then I agree that it's probably OCD. What are you doing to deal with it?

[Anxietynez]

Yeah, then I agree that it's probably OCD. What are you doing to deal with it?

so far i haven't gotten anything solid. i was recommended to go see my GP about it and get an actual diagnosis. the part that's killing me the most is how suddenly this all came on. my mind was clear before the morning of the panic attack now it's literally the only thing i can think about the very thought of being stuck like forever this is driving me near suicidal and i have no idea what to do. thanks for taking the time out to speak to me, it means alot

edit: i've tried breathing exercises, visaulisations to keep my mind away from these thoughts, and religion and prayer. so far none of these have helped

[Stewy]

I could recommend something that worked for me - I have a different anxiety but it is basically the same which is what you're doing.

Check out the anxiety coach website by David Carbonell. He's a pshychologist from Chicago who has also published a book called The Worry Trick. His site and book helped me assess my worries and compartmentalize them rather than letting them consume me

[Anxietynez]

Thanks for the advise Stewey

[poppadr3w]

I had these exact same thoughts, and it was attributed to PTSD, which I hate to even say because people with PTSD generally have seen gruesome stuff overseas in the midst of military battle. I was a volunteer firefighter; the call still resonates within my mind to this day.

As a volunteer FD we have EMS integrated, so personnel who volunteered did both. That doesn't mean you had to be an EMT, but you'd act as an aid and/or a driver; I was both of those things. I had seen many things before, like bad car accidents, bad wounds, smelled the worst smells imaginable, etc. But this incident was more emotional than I had ever anticipated it to be...

I was already on a call and at the hospital ending that call. It was me and one of the paid EMTs (they were always on hand due to high call volume) that were outside when the tones dropped for a cardiac arrest. It wasn't my first, but these calls always got my adrenaline kicked up into another level.

So him and I leave the hospital, fly over to this address across town, and are first on scene with another member who drove over by himself (he lived close by and is an EMT). They run in, I grab some additional equipment and head in afterwards and see a man laying in bed. By the time I get into the room the first responder and other EMT are at the side of the bed where he is laying and just shake their head - it is way too late to even do CPR or use any other sort of equipment.

The sight of seeing this guy, a man, father, and husband in his mid-to-late 40's, dead in his bed when merely taking a nap made my stomach churn a little bit. That's too young to go, especially out of nowhere. It made me think of my parents who are in their 60's and still kicking to this day. But that was just the tip of the iceberg for emotional trauma. I'd rather see someone decapitated from a motor vehicle accident or a shooting than see someone young die in their sleep of "natural causes" (in a way).

As I packed up some equipment and left the room, I recall the wife and daughter (a teenager) in the living room sitting on the couch in disbelief as they talked to the police and first responder so they could finish their documentation. The EMT and I walked out front and talked a bit about it and cracked some jokes (it's how many first responders deal with trauma).

Suddenly something that I'll never forget happened... As we stood on the front yard the daughter came running out, tears steaming down her cheeks, yelling, "My Dad is dead!" as she ran into the arms of a neighbor/friend. That just put a knife right into my heart, turned it slowly, pulled it out quickly, put a shotgun to my chest and blew out my chest cavity. It was highly emotional. It was the most raw emotion of sadness that I had ever witness. Everything from her tears to her tone just made my mind crumble in a way. We lose people every day, but when it's sudden and when the kids are still young, it just seems so unfair when they lose a parent. I just lose an uncle-in-law who has a 15-year-old daughter. He had cancer, so at least we saw that coming. This was like being blindsided by a semi.

As soon as we got back to the station I went down to the gym, got dressed, packed up my stuff and went home. I just wanted to be with my family and spend time with them, that's all.

To this day I truly believe that this incident played a pivotal role in making my anxiety spill over into panic attacks. It was more than just that, but it definitely didn't help.

Many people think about losing loved ones all of the time. It's hard not to, especially when the thought gets into your head. But, and I hate to say this, but it is inevitable. We all go one way or another, so all we can do is enjoy the presence of one another while we are here on Earth. Make memories, take pictures, make videos, give them a call, etc.