View Full Version : Told my boyfriend something I did and he's very angry at me?
So in a previous post I wrote about how before my boyfriend and I got together, we were friends with benefits and there were no boundaries between us of what was okay and what wasn't okay. There was a couple times where I kissed guys on nights out and I lied to him when he asked if I had or hadn't, because I felt no obligation to tell him. I'll link the post here: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=200185
Well I finally told him after 7 months since remembered I'd done it. I did it in the absolute worst way. I didn't sit him down and tell him everything in person like I wanted to. I told him at 4am after I'd been back from a night out, I told him by text, and I only told him ONE time I lied to him instead of the two times I lied. I later on went to tell him the second time I lied about an hour later on a facetime call, which he then hung up on me. It was all a big mess and the second confession pushed him over the edge to the point where he wanted to break up with me, because I completely understand, imagine someone confessing something and then being like 'oh there's more'. All he said was 'you don't stop with the jokes' and hung up on. I had a full on panic attack and couldn't rest for the whole next day because I'm now branded as a liar to him forever.
To him, lying is basically the same as cheating and now he has terrible trust issues with me. All I wanted from this was to be able to tell him anything and to build trust in the relationship but all it's done is ruin his trust in me over something that I did before we got together when I was no where near the same person I am a year later. (Like, completely different person)
It was just the way I did it. I wish I'd just sat him down and told him about the two lies instead of just one. I told him about just one because that night I'd seen that guy I kissed and realised it was that night I had to tell him. It was stupid the way I did it. There were still things that I missed out about what I did like I didn't explain properly and he's going to probably be asking me about it
I hope I explained this right and clearly. Basically just told him a confession the completely wrong way and that way has made him not trust me anymore, I don't know what to do.
So in a previous post I wrote about how before my boyfriend and I got together, we were friends with benefits and there were no boundaries between us of what was okay and what wasn't okay. There was a couple times where I kissed guys on nights out and I lied to him when he asked if I had or hadn't, because I felt no obligation to tell him. I'll link the post here: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=200185
Well I finally told him after 7 months since remembered I'd done it. I did it in the absolute worst way. I didn't sit him down and tell him everything in person like I wanted to. I told him at 4am after I'd been back from a night out, I told him by text, and I only told him ONE time I lied to him instead of the two times I lied. I later on went to tell him the second time I lied about an hour later on a facetime call, which he then hung up on me. It was all a big mess and the second confession pushed him over the edge to the point where he wanted to break up with me, because I completely understand, imagine someone confessing something and then being like 'oh there's more'. All he said was 'you don't stop with the jokes' and hung up on. I had a full on panic attack and couldn't rest for the whole next day because I'm now branded as a liar to him forever.
To him, lying is basically the same as cheating and now he has terrible trust issues with me. All I wanted from this was to be able to tell him anything and to build trust in the relationship but all it's done is ruin his trust in me over something that I did before we got together when I was no where near the same person I am a year later. (Like, completely different person)
It was just the way I did it. I wish I'd just sat him down and told him about the two lies instead of just one. I told him about just one because that night I'd seen that guy I kissed and realised it was that night I had to tell him. It was stupid the way I did it. There were still things that I missed out about what I did like I didn't explain properly and he's going to probably be asking me about it
I hope I explained this right and clearly. Basically just told him a confession the completely wrong way and that way has made him not trust me anymore, I don't know what to do.
As someone who has been cheated on.. I don't blame the dude.. Once trust is broken with a guy, he will never trust you again. You made your bed, unfortunately you have to lie in it. Not with another dude though.
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You received some good advice on the previous thread (since it had happened before your were really "together" it wasn't something that needed to be discussed). Unfortunately you decided to do something and did so in a way that blew up in your face. Sadly, the chips are going to fall where they will and you'll just have to deal with it.
Good luck and as always...
Positive thoughts
I didn't cheat on him though. Before we were together over a year ago, I lied a couple times about whether or not I'd kissed someone.
---------- Post added at 18:46 ---------- Previous post was at 18:45 ----------
Yeah I guess there's nothing I can really change about the way I did it.
I didn't cheat on him though. Before we were together over a year ago, I lied a couple times about whether or not I'd kissed someone.Same thing. If you're lying. Chances are high you'll cheat and not tell him. If a girl I liked lied to me about something that matters. Damn straight she'd be gone.
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If didn't feel as though you two were in a committed relationship, why did you lie? We as human beings lie because we know the truth will cause problems or hurt someone.
You're saying you didn't cheat, but from his point of view if you lied about this what else you lied about. Try and put yourself in his shoes. If the situation were you reversed, you'd be be upset as well.
Its the lie that's bothering him.
My advice is don't push him to trust. He will trust you again but its going to take time and you need to give him that time.
MyNameIsTerry
08-07-17, 01:45
As someone who has been cheated on.. I don't blame the dude.. Once trust is broken with a guy, he will never trust you again. You made your bed, unfortunately you have to lie in it. Not with another dude though.
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He willing engaged in a sex without commitment relationship and later, after entering a relationship, he expresses how if she had done anything in that time it would be wrong to him.
Don't you think it's a bit unreasonable for him to apply that when he was happy to allow himself the option of sleeping around? And he gave her permission to do whatever she wanted anyway.
He can be upset she lied now but the real issue lies with his unreasonable behaviour in thinking she was wrong to engage in anything when he had gave her permission to.
She had no reason not to and his ego is having trouble with it when he wanted the freedom to himself. I say diddums to him!
---------- Post added at 01:45 ---------- Previous post was at 01:42 ----------
Same thing. If you're lying. Chances are high you'll cheat and not tell him. If a girl I liked lied to me about something that matters. Damn straight she'd be gone.
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How is it? They were not even in a relationship.
It's pretty obvious she was worried about telling him because he made such unreasonable demands on her retrospectively.
If you start a new relationship and ask questions of someones past, before the relationship, and they choose to keep it to themselves at that point I don't think it's the same as being a "potential cheater" at all. For a start, we all have a past and a short relationship is hardly marriage & kids so why should we need to tell people everything?
MyNameIsTerry
08-07-17, 05:55
Sadtimes, lets remember this:
So, before my boyfriend and I got together we were sort of friends with benefits. He said himself "we're just friends, you can date whoever you want and I can date whoever I want". Although he didn't actually see anyone else or do anything with anyone else, I did. I would make out with people on nights out (I was 19 and in a phase)
He HATED me kissing other people, he would always make fun of me for it with jabbing 'jokey' comments about me being a 'hoe' and at the time I thought he was just trying to be a d*ck, and I didn't realise that he was jealous and that he liked me.
So there was times where I kissed someone and the morning after he asked me if I had, and I was fed up with the way he acted about it and I felt no obligation to tell him anything so I lied and told him that I hadn't. We started dating a couple weeks after this. When I actually realised I liked him.
He gave you the green light to have whatever you wanted with whoever & how many you wanted.
You only have his word for it that he didn't do whatever he wanted. You've trusted him.
The only issue is that you decided to keep some of it to yourself and really he had no right to even know as you were not in a relationship.
I can't say I would want to know what all my GF's over the years have done with other men before we got together and it's none of my business either. If they choose to tell me, I would listen but it's not a requirement.
You can argue that you knew he would be hurt by this, even though he has no grounds for it, so kept it to yourself.
The issues in here are in his head. Yes, you could have done it better but when he asked you at the time you were not in a relationship and really it was none of his business.
It feels like he is acting the innocent in this and painting you the bad guy. He needs to remember the part he played in this and that your personal business is yours and not his.
It's a dumb situation. Simple as don't put yourself in it. Either be in a relationship or just stick to f***in. Don't complicate it.
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His trust may be lost but you're giving too much of the blame to yourself.
1. You were in an open relationship. He should not have been asking what you were doing with anyone else.
2. He put you in an uncomfortable position by asking you about things he should not have been. Should you have been honest with him? Yes. Is it understandable that you weren't? Also, yes.
3. You're still in the "puppy love" stage of the relationship now so this feels horrible. Trust me (someone who has been there several times) it passes and there are so many good people out there waiting to be discovered by you.
Have fun, be safe and enjoy your youth. It only comes around once.
Same thing. If you're lying. Chances are high you'll cheat and not tell him. If a girl I liked lied to me about something that matters. Damn straight she'd be gone.
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Okay, well I don't really want to get into a debate on an anxiety forum but I have to say that lying to him before we got together (when we had no obligation to tell each other anything, he even told me at the time "If I get with someone else I wouldn't tell you anyway") is not the same as cheating in a relationship. I can wholeheartedly say that I would never cheat on my boyfriend.
Can't you see that the fact that I feel THIS guilty about lying a year ago means that I would never cheat on him? I feel slightly offended at the implication that because I lied, it makes me a cheater.
---------- Post added at 20:45 ---------- Previous post was at 20:42 ----------
I lied because he used to make fun of me for kissing guys, would call me names like 'hoe' which I thought was just in a jokey but mean way at the time and didn't really want to tell him because I didn't see why I had to if I was just going to be made fun of (I had no idea we'd even get into a relationship)
MyNameIsTerry
08-07-17, 20:54
So, he believes he can do what he wants but holds you to a different standard.
He insists you tell him everything or it's a betrayal yet he wouldn't tell you.
Is he controlling? Does he need to know where you go & where you've been?
...we had no obligation to tell each other anything, he even told me at the time "If I get with someone else I wouldn't tell you anyway"....he used to make fun of me for kissing guys, would call me names like 'hoe' which I thought was just in a jokey but mean way at the time and didn't really want to tell him because I didn't see why I had to if I was just going to be made fun of (I had no idea we'd even get into a relationship)
Frankly, it sounds like you're better off... Sounds like a real charmer :lac:
Positive thoughts
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