elik
06-07-17, 21:01
I am trying so hard to keep myself together but I am so scared of my own mind and how conflicting it is. I'm so consumed by my mind it's unbelievable. I feel I am caught unawares sometimes and I can take something and spin it and expand it to ridiculous degrees until I get so fused and wound up I want to explode. I don't have any outlet either so I just boil up and literally feel like I'm going to collapse. Today, my friend who recently employed me who I am relatively close to (although she, along with everyone else, doesn't know the real, deep version of me) said along the lines of 'you moan so much'. Now, this immediately sparked a shock of tension all over my body. She has very dry humour but it was a passing comment relative to me saying my system was down, but I took that straight to heart and I am still thinking about it five hours later. I know for a fact I don't moan because of how hard I try to be overly perfect and pleasing all the time so I just want to know if she meant it and how I can erase this view of me. I went quite introverted for a bit after that but then didn't want that to be recognised because I want to paint this perfect picture of me so I just bounced back to joking around etc but as soon as I left work I bubbled over to myself because I can't rid of such fusion. This is why I left my last office job, the most minor I'd situations can spin me into a vicious cycle that lead me to the priory..... I'm truly pathetic and it's exhausting repeating myself with different issues, same patterns....