View Full Version : Unrelenting Anxiety - please help
Hi guys and ladies,
this site has helped me so much in the past and I'm once again in distress with anxiety and needing to talk as talking seems to help and possibly some advise?
I have coped the past 5 years but things have got out of hand just recently.
I had been on Ecitalopram until August last year when my doctor said it's time to come off which I slowly did and managed to stay off meds until now.
The start of June this year my anxiety struck again, I hadn't had an attack in years.
In the past 10 months my grandmother had passed away, me and my fiancé bought a house which took 6 months and was extremely stressful, we are getting married in 2 months (also stressing me out a little but looking forward to it).
The main factor has been work, I manage a large retail store and the pressure has built an built an built. We had smashed our targets 17 months on the trot an I'd been waiting for the bubble to burst which it has recently, half of my staff have left for bigger better things which is great but I have to start training new people from scratch, I've been struggling with the pressures of the job for a few months and it just boiled over.
I had a call that my MD was coming to visit mid June which made things worst and didn't get much support from my area manager, the stress multiplied an I had my first panic attack in years.
I started suffering insomnia again and didn't sleep for 6 days and eventually went to the docs. They have put me on Propranolol again and Citalopram rather than Ecitalopram which I queried an the doc said it's basically the same thing but with a tiny molecule change so companies can charge more or something.
After 3 weeks I was starting to feel better an I had a week off work, I felt great that week (last week) until the last day when the panic welled up about going back to work - I had felt that the meds were keeping things at bay until then and the panic spilled over this Monday just gone.
I'm having to use zopiclone sleeping tabs every other night to sleep of which I'm only getting about 3 hours sleep. The nights inbetween I'm taking Nytol which doesn't do much as the anxiety overrides it.
I'm in a constant state of anxiety and panic - like an engine revving to max just under the level of actually having a panic attack at all times.
I feel like I can't breathe, my chest is painful, I'm on omeprezol to help with that, I'm shaking, I'm scared, I'm worried I will lose my job and then lose the house then that my partner will leave me and I'd lose my daughter too.
I can't stop the thoughts in my head, I can't get a moments respite or clarity, ive noticed ive started pulling the hairs on my legs a bit when anxiety is really bad (I wear shorts a lot) which can't be a good sign.
I can't find enjoyment in anything, I have no energy, I cant watch a film, I cant fall asleep naturally, I have no appetite.
I have asked docs to sign me up to see a therapist but will take several weeks. I have also asked to see a CBT company which are doing a telephone assessment Tuesday to see if they can help me.
The docs upped my Citilopram Friday from 20mg to 40mg an I seem to be feeling a bit worst too!
Thank you for reading this, I'm really struggling and any advise or kind ear is really appreciated,
Joe
Wow, what a succession of stressful events. I'm not surprised you're feeling rough after coping with all that in such a short space of time. I would imagine the work issues wouldn't have been a problem if your resilience hadn't been knocked by everything else that has happened. But you have coped with everything, now it's just the anxiety and catastrophic thinking to deal with, and you seem to be taking a good approach with both CBT and meds. Don't forget citalopram makes you feel worse for the first couple of weeks and you have just doubled your dose - hang in there and any symptoms due to that should start to diminish in a few weeks. Hope the CBT is sorted out quickly as well, good luck with it all!
I was on Citalopram for years. I think in the end I was on 60mg. It's perfectly normal for it take some time to settle once the dose has been changed, so please don't worry about that.
You do sound like you have a lot on your plate. Why does life have to be so fricken stressful huh? My advise for you, regarding work is this; You can only do your best! That is it. Things will happen, outwith your control, that you just have to accept. Structure your day, time manage what you do, and you know what, if the shit hits the fan you know you've done your best, and you can show your MD. You cannot be responsible for things like staff leaving and targets not always being smashed. Sometimes, shit happens! So long as you're going in, and doing the best you can do, with the tools you're provided, they cannot ask anymore. If you are not being supported in your role, go higher up and raise a concern, or have a meeting with these people to discuss the fact you feel you need some more support. We all work in different ways, they are maybe oblivious to the fact you need support? You're maybe looking totally badass on the outside, like everything is A-OK and they may not know. As lets face it, as anxiety sufferers, we're awesome at masking problems, often to our own detriment.
I suffer insomnia a lot too. Absolutely sucks balls! Apologies for the terminology there, I honestly cannot think of a better way to describe it! I find my mind decides the wee hours is the best time to mull over things. Well, here is some helpful tips:
* Have a bath before bed. The rise & drop in temperature helps you to feel more sleepy.
* Don't put the TV on, or pick up your phone. If you like to read, read a book, but don't put on anything with bright lights that can over stimulate your brain. In fact, if you don't like reading, but need something to distract your thoughts, put on a e-book. I've done that a few times.
* Keep a Journal - every night before you go to sleep, write down what has happened that day. Write down all of your frustrations and worries. Doing this helps you to already mull over and start to make sense of things, so that you're not tempted to overthink too much.
Also, if you're feeling too stressed just now, don't fear being signed off for a week or two. If you need some time off to collect your thoughts and find your bearings. Your first priority needs to always be you. You are no use to anyone, being highly strung, and emotional. So focus on you, then you will be in a better place to focus on everything else :)
thank you for taking the time to read and respond :)
I think your right Gold, work has been an ongoing stress for a long time progressively getting worst and has just been compounded by everything else that's happened.
I have an irrational worry about losing my job based off back in 2007 I was illegally removed from my position, it resulted in me losing my house and I've worried ever since the same could happen again.
So with buying a house earlier this year and recently sorting out life insurance which wouldn't cover everything due to anxiety in the past an putting up our premiums it has made me worry more.
Jamiebasket your right, I can only do my best - I just worry it's not enough but ironically both MD's and my direct boss have said I'm doing a great job but my mind is attacked with intrusive negative thoughts that I really need CBT help with.
I'll try the bath before bed, an e-book is a good idea too!
Yesterday was really bad anxiety wise until about 5pmish.
Today has been the opposite, I woke at 4.30am and was using breathing techniques an tensing fists to try to relax an repeat over an over someone elses phrase 'I wont let a wisp of a thought control my life'. I was feeling really good until about 2 hours ago then a few negative thoughts crept in.
Taking each day at a time I'm just waiting for the meds to really kick in an I'm hoping due to the dose being raised Friday is why ive felt so bad since then an they will take effect in the coming weeks.
Your right again being highly strung is no good to anyone else, my boss said to me today 'I don't ever need to challenge you or apply any pressure as you do that all yourself, your harder on yourself than anyone ive known'.
fingers crossed this gets better,
Thanks again :)
To combat your intrusive negative thoughts, replace any worry that surfaces with "both MD's and my direct boss have said I'm doing a great job". Keep reminding yourself and practise it constantly.
You've been through a lot of stress and are suffering the consequences but you're not helping yourself because your boss says... 'I don't ever need to challenge you or apply any pressure as you do that all yourself, your harder on yourself than anyone ive known'.
This is another area you can work on. If something doesn't Have to be done then resist the urge to be "perfect". Delegate wherever possible. Try to treat yourself as you would towards someone working for you. If you wouldn't ask them to do it then don't do it yourself.
in other words, be aware of situations where you're placing unnecessary added stress on yourself. If something can wait, just leave it until later. Prioritise.
Lastly, in time things may settle when the stresses ease but if they don't, rather than look towards therapy and meds to ease your stress, you may have to ask yourself a question - Is your job more important than your health? If you feel you're not being supported at work, the best way to ease stress is to find another job for the sake of yourself and your family.
Your bosses will say what a brilliant job you're doing because they will only see your results but they won't see how the stress is affecting you. As it's summer, you may find that getting away for a break will help ease your load.
I was once in a very similar position to you and after I couldn't hide how stressed I was any longer and saw a psychologist, he see simply said I had too much stress on my shoulders and that I had to give something up for the sake of my health. I did as he advised, found ways to ease other stresses and have felt much better without the need of therapies or meds ever since.
CBT therapies will help your thought processes and meds will help to ease your stress but sometimes when the stress gets too much and it never eases, you have to think of you first by making changes to or in your job and lifestyle or you just end up too ill to work.
FOR a start the doc had no right taking you off a med when its working that don't make sense. and he lied about escitalopram its a far superior med than its older brother citalopram , the reason he didnt give you escitalopram back is it costs a lot more money and the NHS would tell its doctors to give out the cheaper ADs :curse:
Thank you.
I keep saying over in my head both my MD's an boss have confidence in me to try to get my brain in line too.
I had my CBT assessment yesterday and she's sending me something to read and fill out then on Monday we are reconvening over the phone and coming up with a strategy. She seemed to understand my thought processes so I hope I can make some progress.
Got docs appointment Friday and going to give my boss an update after that, little nervous about that.
Today is the first day in weeks I hope up NOT in a total panic which was bloody nice, I managed to get 5 1/2 hours sleep too which made a difference, woke up at 4am and I even fell asleep again from 9am to 10.30am which I haven't managed to do in months!
Your right Bill I have a habit of putting all the pressure on myself and try to make everything perfect, because I've worked with some numpties in the past I have a habit of 'if you want it doing properly do it yourself', though in the last 8 months tried to delegate more, I should probably delegate even more.
I've contemplated changing jobs, I worry that if I did change job I'd have panic attack about a new start! So silly I know!
I was worried about that Bill, I think the meds are starting to work these last couple of days but that could just be my current mentality of having pressure taken off a bit too. I keep worrying about work an when I'll be going back
try to make everything perfect
'if you want it doing properly do it yourself
I worry that if
I was worried about that
I keep worrying
I've taken these lines from your post to elaborate on them.
Perfectionism - it's something a lot of sufferers do because we like things to be perfect because often sufferers are conscientious. This is a good quality but it can also heap pressure on ourselves and can cause OCD. It's part of our make up of having intense personalities. Being intense creates tension. Tension creates worry. Therefore, it's important to be aware when you're being Too perfect. Try to take a more relaxed approach.
The other part of it, is that it makes you feel you can't trust others because they won't do the job as good as you. It can make you feel you have to be in control and that means you place more workload and pressure on yourself by giving yourself the added responsibility. Like you say, learn to delegate. If others are trained well, you shouldn't have any reason to doubt their abilities so have more faith in them. You can still keep an eye on them from a distance. Don't load yourself with work others can do.
Lastly, be aware of your worries that surface and confront them with positive replacements. For instance, I worry that if...replace it with "If" won't happen because I have a plan in place. " And most importantly, "I keep worrying"...Don't. Every time a worry surfaces, think of what you need to do to resolve that worry.
The way I think about worries is, if a worry is outside of my control, there's no point wasting energy worrying about it so just get on and do something else. If it's a worry I can do something about then do what is needed to sort it and then the worry is resolved. In this way, worries are sorted one way or the other and this frees your time up to do things you enjoy.
Speaking of enjoy, finding enjoyment in life is really important. It gives you something to look forward to, distracts your mind and helps you to relax. Don't allow your life to revolve around work all the time. Find a hobby you enjoy. Anything. Break this constant worrying. Lift your mood.
And if you do change jobs, don't worry, doubt or fear it. Be excited about it because you know how good you are at your work and your abilities. The MD has told you that too so fear nothing because you have strength you're not recognising because it's being hidden by focusing on anxiety and negative thoughts.
The key though, is make you make changes to relieve your stress in all their forms - perfectionism, responsibility, controlling, trust, worry, intensity and work on delegating, positive thoughts, finding enjoyment, not dwelling on doubts etc.
I've found with anxiety there is no one solution. You have to identify the areas causing the stress then make a plan to ease it. This could keep your mind busy. Think about everything in your thoughts and behaviour at work that makes you feel stressed then devise a plan to combat them.
Simple examples of your plan would be - I do this job at work. Do I really need to or can I delegate it.
I have this worry. This is what I need to do to resolve it.
What do I really enjoy doing. Let's do it.
Find a relaxation technique that works for you and keep practising it.
Exercise.
Find a relaxation routine before you go to bed.
"What If" - If I do this, it'll sort it....
Do I really need to worry about this...it's beyond my control so it's pointless worrying and so on.
Hope that helps.
hi again Bill, thank you for such an informative reply!
Nail hit firmly on head with your first paragraph, the pressure I put on myself causes more tension an ramps up.
I've made a list of the positives, now when I worry about something I'm trying to combat them with correct responses. Today I woke up early again and had really bad anxiety until about 11.30am, I'm making myself go out for a walk as the doc said need to get out an about don't shut myself in, i've no idea where I'm going just a random walk.
The past several month I lost all enjoyment from the things I'd normally do and didn't realise how down I was getting, I'm trying to do the things I enjoy - reading, gaming, cooking, watching sports to take my mind off things. Though I keep panicking about the damn stag do in 3 weeks and the wedding in 8, worried I'm going to make a fool out of myself having a panic attack infront of everyone. Those things are kinda normal ie worrying about those special days its just magnified when suffering anxiety.
YOur right, I should be excited about possibly getting a new job, I don't care if its less money ie I step down from management as its quality of life that's important to me.
The past few years its all been about making money an saving to get a mortgage, an that way has worn me down!
I'm going to do what you suggest an make a list of everything that's causing my anxiety and things that combat them, I really appreciate your conclusion, I'm going to work on that!
Thank you
Joe
That's good Joe. You're very welcome. You'll be fine.
One little tip/example -
You've said your wedding is in 8 weeks - worried I'm going to make a fool out of myself having a panic attack infront of everyone.
I think it's perfectly natural to worry about a wedding. We all want everything to go just right especially with speeches. I remember how anxious I was with mine. I wrote out a speech and kept going over it. There were minor mishaps on the day but looking back I just laugh about them now.
Anyway, when you get this worry, tell yourself that "if" it happened, just tell people you had one too many. There's nothing wrong in admitting having a panic attack especially on a stressful wedding day but if you found it easier to say something like you just had one too many or something else you can think of you could say, it will reassure your mind knowing you have a "plan" for that unlikely event.
You will then find 2 things will happen by making this plan. Firstly, it will sort the worry but if it does surface again, you now have a plan so replace that worry with the thought of your plan. Secondly, you'll find that because you've reassured yourself by making this plan, you will be much less likely to suffer a panic attack because the fear of having an attack will be greatly reduced. It's fear that triggers attacks so by making a plan, it reduces the fear, and the stress that fear creates which then triggers an attack.
That's how making plans work. You have a worry that you can do something about. You devise a plan to resolve that worry. Your fear and stress eases and your anxiety reduces.
If you practise that approach with every worry that surfaces, you'll find yourself creating a good habit by creating positive thinking processes. Don't forget also that if it's a worry beyond your control, there's no point worrying about it and that way you learn to "accept" what will be will be rather than making yourself ill needlessly.
Lastly, at the wedding your mind will be so busy enjoying yourself, I'm quite sure you'll forget all about your anxiety once the day gets going. It's perfectly normal to worry about your own wedding. It's one of the greatest stresses many of us have to endure for what should make you really happy. Things should sort themselves in time.
I keep reminding myself it's normal and natural to be nervous of the wedding, it's so frustrating getting 'normal' anxiety mixed up with the irrational one.
All this week I've been practising the positive thinking processes from CBT, I've had to keep a diary of all anxious thoughts, feelings and what I did to cope through them.
I've been signed off work for another 2 weeks an the thought of 2 weeks today I will be back at work keeps popping into my head, not as anxiety inducing as that has been. The past 2 days I've felt a lot better or at least had 2 'good' days.
My sleep is still crap, I had a sleeping tablet Thursday, nytol Friday, and felt so good yesterday I tried nothing but have been up since 2am :/ I managed to deal with the negative thoughts but find it hard to give in an get up an do something. I keep trying to sleep an it's not working so must try listening to an e-book or something.
My boss called me yesterday an said something that made me feel really good, she said 'you've been with the company 13 years, we will accommodate whatever you want whether you want to stay on as manager or do something else, whatever you choose we'll sort it for you'. That took a lot of pressure off me!
Just taking each day as it comes, making myself do things I would normally enjoy, going for walks daily an forcing myself into social situations (shopping centres etc).
I popped into work yesterday too as I was feeling the longer I stay away the worst it will be when I go back an the CBT therapist said to slowly confront fears/anxiety causes, in short term avoiding helps but long term makes them much worst. I just wish I could get a full nights sleep!!!!! I'm fed up with getting like 3-4 hours an awake.
I am looking forward to the wedding at least :)
Cheers,
Joe
Thanks Toby :)
An update, last week I started to feel better, was getting some sleep too! Had a bit of a nightmare coming off Propranolol fast an the doctors secretary's messing things up again. Things seemed to be going ok until early Saturday morning, I woke up at about 4am needing the toilet, I was very very drowsey from using a Nytol half a tablet inbetween nights using Zopiclone and out of no where a huge crescendo of panic hit me and I couldn't hold it back, I had my first full on panic attack in weeks which knocked me back.
I woke my Mrs up but could hardly speak, I couldn't get back to sleep. Then last night I couldn't drop off at all, even after taking a Zopiclone I just couldn't fall asleep. After what was hours I went to get up an listen to an E-book, accidentally woke mrs up stumbling about lol, put an e-book on - I did manage to get about 2 hours sleep.
Today felt weird, had bad reaction to going onto Bisoprolol so gone back to Propranolol.
Felt not bad today until the last hour or so, I guess it's because it's getting close to 'bed time' an I'm getting nervous about sleep, also a week today I should be going bac kto work. I've got to have a conversation with my boss about whether I want to stay on as Manager or step down, I'm more than happy to step down but need to confirm the pay as I've got a mortgage to pay :/ all that matters at the moment is my mental health which is all over the place the past 8 weeks.
I've got CBT phone call tomorrow so that will be interesting with how the past few days have been. I thought I was doing well trying to combat intrusive thoughts but Saturday morning caught me unawares.
When I started to feel better this past week I got my appetite back an drank some Pepsi max cherry (I love it) and Hagen Daz salted caramel ice cream. The ice cream is obviously high in sugar (I usually don't have that much sugar in my diet) and I found out that the Pepsi max cherry has caffeine in it - might those things combined effected me a bit?
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