DanielRaz
11-07-17, 03:03
Hi all,
So this could be a rather lengthy post... apologize.
I just registered to these forums as I feel very, very anxious right now.
I have a history of being very anxious and having panic attacks. Before I continue let me stress out that still, overall I never considered myself as "having a problem" or suffering from it. I generally lead a very happy life. I have a great girlfriend, two of the most amazing children in the world, a great job etcetera and generally enjoy life to the max. I also have never taken a single pill for my anxiety.
Yes, I have been been a very anxious person, always. It started when I was around the age of 9. At the time I was so scared my parents would die that it really caused some issues at that age. E.g. worrying sick about them dying, resulting in being nauseous all the time, not eating to despair of my parents. The not-eating would develop into a thing itself, like I was so afraid that I could not eat that that itself became a problem and a self-fulfilling prophecy. This all passed in a few months.
Years passed without any noticeable anxiety, until the time I met my girlfriend and my father died. I became a hypochondric. I think it first started after (I think!) having a panic attack in the mall where I got extremely nauseous and light-headed out of nowhere. Eventually I was convinced I had a silent heart attack at the time, especially when I got palpitations, spells of lightheadedness. I turned into a major hypochondric which was only resolved after I went to see the cardiologist, had numerous tests, heart monitors etcetera and the diagnosis was that nothing was wrong with me.
Things went great for a couple of years. I had a pretty good job at a GREAT company, I had two children with my girlfriend, life was good. I was also relatively stress-free. While I was an occasional hypochondriac it never got in the way of my day to day routine. I was a stress free person. My motto was always 'as long as you're healthy, the rest doesn't really matter'. So I loved my job, I loved working hard, loved my girlfriend and kids, I really enjoyed life to the fullest.
This changed a couple of days ago. I was watching a thriller / horror movie where people were planning to kill their loved ones. Now I've seen my fair share of horror movies so I generally do not get anxious by them, but suddenly I got these intrusive thoughts in my head. I could only think about how sad this would be if my children got killed this way. Or worse - if somehow I would be able to carry out this terrible deed (which of course, I could never!!). This took a turn for the worse and the next couple of days I could only worry myself sick to my stomach about why I would have these thoughts. I got obsessed about worrying if I could ever kill my children and girlfriend (again, I could never!!) and got sick to my stomach (even when I type this). This went on until about now and it is generally the worst time of my life I have ever gone through. The fact that you are obsessed with these harmful thoughts (Pure-O I think it is also known) has literally taken a toll on me. Though I have good hours during the days, in general it feels like a living hell. I have constant anxiety, am constantly wondering if I am losing my mind, if I was a psychopath, it is really mentally draining.
But today, just when I thought the worst was behind me, I got home in a relatively good mood. Though like I said I was mentally exhausted from my anxiety the past week, I had a good day at work, I had a generally positive feeling. I could also somewhat "ignore" my intrusive thoughts. But when I got home and sat a the dinner table, I was sooo tired that everything overwhelmed me. The kids wanting attention, my girlfriend talking about how her day went. I started to feel like that time in the mall. I felt like snapping, like it was too much, like screaming, crying, just getting away for a minute. I barely managed to get by, I don't know how, but it took a lot of effort not to break down at that moment. My girlfriend didn't notice. She bathed the kids while I cleaned up the mess from dinner. But on the inside my body was screaming. It is hard to explain. I think this was a panic attack? I was so afraid at the moment. I was afraid that I would always feel this way, that I would not be able to go to work tomorrow, that I would have to cancel the vacation that is planned next week.
I had to go to the mall afterwards for a little errand, still feeling shaky and still feeling like I could have a major panic attack ANY minute without any real trigger. I was really shaken. When I went home I went to jog for a couple of miles. This had a really positive effect, I felt better, and afterwards I sat down with my girlfriend, a cup of tea, watching Netflix and I felt pretty OK again. Then I went to sleep and I slept in a couple of minutes.
But then during the night my youngest child of almost 2 woke up and I got out of bed to comfort her, but while doing so I felt like I was at that dinner table again. After only 20 seconds of getting out of bed I got really, really anxious again for no apparent reason it seems. Literally out of nowhere, I remember how I felt during the evening at the dinner table and the feeling overwhelmed me again. I climbed back into bed, where I lay down, shaking uncontrollably. Worrying again about everything, that this feeling would last forever, that I would have to quit my job, cancel my vacation, lose everything I hold dear. That I would not get better this time.
I again went out of bed to comfort my youngest (she still wouldn't sleep...) and eventually poured some whisky and started typing this story :) The thing is, now that I type this I honestly feel relatively relaxed again, but I felt really horrible, HORRIBLE an hour ago, like I would never be able to enjoy life again, be free of this anxiety. I could not have imagined feeling "better" just an hour again.
I am still afraid to snap, to just not be able to cope with it anymore. To feel this again in the morning Does anyone else feel the same way? Is this feeling I had tonight a panic attack? Or am I going crazy?:weep:
I'm not sure how to continue as I have never, ever, felt so bad before. I feel like I can't get out of this somehow, even though I feel pretty OK when I type this story. But this feeling of pure panic, for seemingly no apparent reason has really upset me. Please advise!
So this could be a rather lengthy post... apologize.
I just registered to these forums as I feel very, very anxious right now.
I have a history of being very anxious and having panic attacks. Before I continue let me stress out that still, overall I never considered myself as "having a problem" or suffering from it. I generally lead a very happy life. I have a great girlfriend, two of the most amazing children in the world, a great job etcetera and generally enjoy life to the max. I also have never taken a single pill for my anxiety.
Yes, I have been been a very anxious person, always. It started when I was around the age of 9. At the time I was so scared my parents would die that it really caused some issues at that age. E.g. worrying sick about them dying, resulting in being nauseous all the time, not eating to despair of my parents. The not-eating would develop into a thing itself, like I was so afraid that I could not eat that that itself became a problem and a self-fulfilling prophecy. This all passed in a few months.
Years passed without any noticeable anxiety, until the time I met my girlfriend and my father died. I became a hypochondric. I think it first started after (I think!) having a panic attack in the mall where I got extremely nauseous and light-headed out of nowhere. Eventually I was convinced I had a silent heart attack at the time, especially when I got palpitations, spells of lightheadedness. I turned into a major hypochondric which was only resolved after I went to see the cardiologist, had numerous tests, heart monitors etcetera and the diagnosis was that nothing was wrong with me.
Things went great for a couple of years. I had a pretty good job at a GREAT company, I had two children with my girlfriend, life was good. I was also relatively stress-free. While I was an occasional hypochondriac it never got in the way of my day to day routine. I was a stress free person. My motto was always 'as long as you're healthy, the rest doesn't really matter'. So I loved my job, I loved working hard, loved my girlfriend and kids, I really enjoyed life to the fullest.
This changed a couple of days ago. I was watching a thriller / horror movie where people were planning to kill their loved ones. Now I've seen my fair share of horror movies so I generally do not get anxious by them, but suddenly I got these intrusive thoughts in my head. I could only think about how sad this would be if my children got killed this way. Or worse - if somehow I would be able to carry out this terrible deed (which of course, I could never!!). This took a turn for the worse and the next couple of days I could only worry myself sick to my stomach about why I would have these thoughts. I got obsessed about worrying if I could ever kill my children and girlfriend (again, I could never!!) and got sick to my stomach (even when I type this). This went on until about now and it is generally the worst time of my life I have ever gone through. The fact that you are obsessed with these harmful thoughts (Pure-O I think it is also known) has literally taken a toll on me. Though I have good hours during the days, in general it feels like a living hell. I have constant anxiety, am constantly wondering if I am losing my mind, if I was a psychopath, it is really mentally draining.
But today, just when I thought the worst was behind me, I got home in a relatively good mood. Though like I said I was mentally exhausted from my anxiety the past week, I had a good day at work, I had a generally positive feeling. I could also somewhat "ignore" my intrusive thoughts. But when I got home and sat a the dinner table, I was sooo tired that everything overwhelmed me. The kids wanting attention, my girlfriend talking about how her day went. I started to feel like that time in the mall. I felt like snapping, like it was too much, like screaming, crying, just getting away for a minute. I barely managed to get by, I don't know how, but it took a lot of effort not to break down at that moment. My girlfriend didn't notice. She bathed the kids while I cleaned up the mess from dinner. But on the inside my body was screaming. It is hard to explain. I think this was a panic attack? I was so afraid at the moment. I was afraid that I would always feel this way, that I would not be able to go to work tomorrow, that I would have to cancel the vacation that is planned next week.
I had to go to the mall afterwards for a little errand, still feeling shaky and still feeling like I could have a major panic attack ANY minute without any real trigger. I was really shaken. When I went home I went to jog for a couple of miles. This had a really positive effect, I felt better, and afterwards I sat down with my girlfriend, a cup of tea, watching Netflix and I felt pretty OK again. Then I went to sleep and I slept in a couple of minutes.
But then during the night my youngest child of almost 2 woke up and I got out of bed to comfort her, but while doing so I felt like I was at that dinner table again. After only 20 seconds of getting out of bed I got really, really anxious again for no apparent reason it seems. Literally out of nowhere, I remember how I felt during the evening at the dinner table and the feeling overwhelmed me again. I climbed back into bed, where I lay down, shaking uncontrollably. Worrying again about everything, that this feeling would last forever, that I would have to quit my job, cancel my vacation, lose everything I hold dear. That I would not get better this time.
I again went out of bed to comfort my youngest (she still wouldn't sleep...) and eventually poured some whisky and started typing this story :) The thing is, now that I type this I honestly feel relatively relaxed again, but I felt really horrible, HORRIBLE an hour ago, like I would never be able to enjoy life again, be free of this anxiety. I could not have imagined feeling "better" just an hour again.
I am still afraid to snap, to just not be able to cope with it anymore. To feel this again in the morning Does anyone else feel the same way? Is this feeling I had tonight a panic attack? Or am I going crazy?:weep:
I'm not sure how to continue as I have never, ever, felt so bad before. I feel like I can't get out of this somehow, even though I feel pretty OK when I type this story. But this feeling of pure panic, for seemingly no apparent reason has really upset me. Please advise!