Health Anxiety Dad
11-07-17, 05:35
Hello,
I've always had a small amount of health anxiety, but never severe until I became a father. I'm not afraid of death, I reconciled myself to the idea of an early death when I joined the Army. No factor. When I became a Dad, however, everything changed.
I still don't fear death; I fear my child watching me suffer and die. She is too young to understand the suffering that is the price of life on this plane of existence. If she was a teen or a 20-something, I could handle it. She would understand and we could have adult conversations about it all. Whenever I have symptoms pop up, the thought of her watching me dying from disease absolutely crushes me with anxiety, to the point of me being in tears spontaneously and having trouble enjoying my time with her. I've even begun making videos of me for her to watch when she gets older, should my health concerns become reality (And, really, they will still come in handy should I die in a car accident, a natural disaster etc.) All of the above has begun to negatively affect my marriage as well.
So far this community has been great. I'm also seeing a counsellor and probably a psychiatrist at some point, not because I'm crazy, but because talking helps and I've been told psychiatrists are good at seperating psychosomatic symptoms from real ones.
Ultimately, I'm going to drink ayahuasca to solve all of this for good. But since it is (stupidly) illegal in my country, a trip to Peru isn't feasible right now, so for now it's me, this community and professionals.
I've always had a small amount of health anxiety, but never severe until I became a father. I'm not afraid of death, I reconciled myself to the idea of an early death when I joined the Army. No factor. When I became a Dad, however, everything changed.
I still don't fear death; I fear my child watching me suffer and die. She is too young to understand the suffering that is the price of life on this plane of existence. If she was a teen or a 20-something, I could handle it. She would understand and we could have adult conversations about it all. Whenever I have symptoms pop up, the thought of her watching me dying from disease absolutely crushes me with anxiety, to the point of me being in tears spontaneously and having trouble enjoying my time with her. I've even begun making videos of me for her to watch when she gets older, should my health concerns become reality (And, really, they will still come in handy should I die in a car accident, a natural disaster etc.) All of the above has begun to negatively affect my marriage as well.
So far this community has been great. I'm also seeing a counsellor and probably a psychiatrist at some point, not because I'm crazy, but because talking helps and I've been told psychiatrists are good at seperating psychosomatic symptoms from real ones.
Ultimately, I'm going to drink ayahuasca to solve all of this for good. But since it is (stupidly) illegal in my country, a trip to Peru isn't feasible right now, so for now it's me, this community and professionals.