AnnieGirl
12-07-17, 20:17
Hello All
I'm the girlfriend of a guy who I suspect has this disorder. A personality disorder.
I'm looking for support....guidance....if possible, someone to give me the strength to just walk away. Maybe...oh I don't know....
This man has issues with anxiety, social anxiety for starters. His other symptoms are as follows and are all around him being emotionally unstable.
I don't know how much more I can cope with this. I literally am at the end of what I can cope with. I feel like I can't take anymore.
He has a catastrophic reaction to minor issues in the relationship. For example, if I do something that he perceives as 'bad'...he has a complete break down over it. He disappears, doesn't engage with me, tells me he doesn't love me anymore (again), questions our future. He goes into this strange space and then emerges, ready for a reconciliation.
He then continues to be OK until I do something he perceives to be bad again and then this cycle happens again...and again....and again.
So...throughout our relationship, I find I have become in a constant state of anxiety and preparation for the next time he may just drop on me, out of the blue, and for him to tell me that he doesn't love me anymore. Again.
Gosh...this is beyond hurtful. Because I do love him. But I've reached a point of complete exhaustion from it now...I can't take any more. There's only so many times a guy can just drop you and tell you they don't love you (and all for minor things - see next part!)
'Bad things' that I have done that have caused this extreme reaction are centred around trust/insecurity/my mobile phone mostly and include:
Not sleeping when he wanted me to (he wanted to sleep...I told him I wasn't tired as we'd only been up a few hours and it was day time. I told him that I would lie with him and hold him but, rather than sleep, I'd read an ebook on my phone or watch a documentary or listen to an audio book. He said that he felt 'secondary' to my phone. This incident from the weekend has caused the latest catastrophic reaction).
I had my back to him once when I sent a friend a text. I happened to be sitting in this position...it wasn't deliberate. He was in the kitchen cooking and I came from the bathroom into the sitting room to find me in this position. When he came into the room, I engaged with him. He said the position was making him feel anxious and so I passed him my phone so he could see what I was doing. (By the way, I have given him my phone lock code and have even set him up for finger print recognition on my phone so he can access it whenever he needs).
Being on my phone 'all the time'. I do use my phone for texting, Facebook, reading the news, running my online support group (several hundred members) and looking at my work's email. However, it is not when I am engaged with him. For example, when I eat dinner, I ask if I can look at the news (I like to read when I eat). When he is away from me cooking, in the garden or anywhere else away from me, I'll send a quick text or have a quick look at Facebook (I only go on there as I'm a dog lover and love seeing the pictures of the dogs posted in the groups in a member of!) He takes issue with this and has said that every time he is away, I'm rushing to use my phone...I don't...it's more a case of, I'm not allowed to use it when I am with him for engaging with anyone so if he is apart from me, I do it then. I live away from my friends and family - I'm on my own up here....they often worry - some text me every day to check I'm ok and, if I don't respond, they'd worry.
Another bad thing I did was respond in the wrong way when he deceived me. He didn't tell me he had booked a week's holiday from work. I found out...and was upset. His rationale for doing this was so that he could dedicate the week's holiday to his family who he felt he had neglected. However, he didn't want to be open about this in case I suggested spending time together and he had to 'hurt' me by telling me he had already booked the time away to see his family (which would've been completely fine, of course). I responded to this without any anger - but I did have a stern word with him which went along the lines of, 'look - I love you but I am not a push over. Do not deceive me again. I'll speak to you soon'.
Another time, I was uncomfortable to do something in an intimate way. I tried my best to do it but failed. He had no problem expressing his disappointment in me. He held me but didn't make any effort to comfort me or reassure me that everything was OK. He made me feel so bad that I told him I'd try again. To which I did and, this time, I managed to complete the task. He was all 'loved up' again after I'd done it but I felt used and violated because I had done something I didn't want to do at that time.
He is constantly suspicious about who I may be engaging with. He is alert to the fact that I am cheating on him (never have, never would have).
I try my best to keep him happy. I try so hard. But...just minor things will trigger him off and then I have to go through this. Where I am now...him completely cutting me off, only getting on touch mostly to tell me he isn't sure about us, whether he loves me etc.
I love him. Breaking up would be hard (I have spent every weekend with him and, where I live...I don't know anyone so I'd have to make a life for myself up here) but...I literally do not have anything else to give.
In our relationship, I am either the best thing that's ever happened to him or I'm the complete opposite. There is NEVER any middle ground. I'm either perfect or bad. It's like...when he encounters a minor issue with me, he blows this up into something catastrophic (i.e me not sleeping on that day as he requested and listening to an ebook instead = bad woman, not wife material, not mother material, the worst girlfriend in the world, someone he doesn't love, someone to just dump and disappear on).
When he goes through this reaction, he experiences a mental break down including severe anxiety and panic attacks. Being restless (just goes walking and wandering). Sleeping badly. Crying.
Other symptoms I have noticed are:
Overly sensitive - there are lots of tears. In a recent incident, on his birthday, he got so stressed out and anxious thinking that he had to go do something because it was his birthday that, when I got back from shopping, he burst into tears. There are tears from him often.
Extremely low on energy - he needs a lot of 'down time'.
Insecurity, suspicion, fear of being abandoned - thoughts that I may be cheating on him, speaking to other men (this is his fear when he sees me using my mobile).
Threatening to harm himself when I took issue with his behaviour - when he lied to me about the week's holiday to see his family, I was well within my rights to have a stern word with him (no anger). He responded to me with one text to say he was going to cut himself (to feel something else and perhaps as a way to prove to me how sorry he was).
Severe stress reaction.
Control - I think you can see that I am controlled. So can I. *cries*. Out of this, I am a professional woman...good job, good salary, own my own home, quite independent. I'm so happy and bubbly all the time. My wings are well and truly clipped right now *cries*
Extreme clinginess - he needs to be held, touched. This has got better but when we first met, he would be holding me and kissing me whilst I ate.
Low mood/feeling flat and empty.
And a few more, no doubt. I just don't have the energy to even think about this.
I haven't been treated very well. I know. I try to be perfect - I am constantly alert to not putting a foot wrong but...if I do something that isn't in line with whatever it is in his head - I'm more or less dead to him.
Am I a 'Codependent'?
I read that these people 'placate, accommodate, and apologize when attacked in order to maintain the emotional connection in the relationship. In the process, they give over more and more control to the borderline and further seal their low self-esteem and the couple’s codependency'.
I didn't think I had low self esteem...but the rest of that rings completely true.
Anyone have a way out?
Anyone have any advice?
Anyone live with someone like this?
Did anything help?
I love the man but I've reached a stage (I did a couple of months ago really) where I'm so exhausted with it. I want to walk away but I'm scared. And then I don't want to walk away because I'll miss him and I love him.
I can't tell you how much it hurts when you love someone and they just drop you suddenly and tell you they don't love you again...and again. We were planning a baby in the next couple of months - I was looking forward to it so much. And then he just dumps me again - all of our plans just gone.
I can't cope with this anymore. I don't think I can last much longer in this state of uncertainty. A few months ago, I was so bad from one experience that I went on beta blockers for a month. It made me feel so bad I had to make changes to my duties at work.
Thank you so much for listening to me. You should see the state of me - runny mascara face!
Annie xxxxxxxxxx
I'm the girlfriend of a guy who I suspect has this disorder. A personality disorder.
I'm looking for support....guidance....if possible, someone to give me the strength to just walk away. Maybe...oh I don't know....
This man has issues with anxiety, social anxiety for starters. His other symptoms are as follows and are all around him being emotionally unstable.
I don't know how much more I can cope with this. I literally am at the end of what I can cope with. I feel like I can't take anymore.
He has a catastrophic reaction to minor issues in the relationship. For example, if I do something that he perceives as 'bad'...he has a complete break down over it. He disappears, doesn't engage with me, tells me he doesn't love me anymore (again), questions our future. He goes into this strange space and then emerges, ready for a reconciliation.
He then continues to be OK until I do something he perceives to be bad again and then this cycle happens again...and again....and again.
So...throughout our relationship, I find I have become in a constant state of anxiety and preparation for the next time he may just drop on me, out of the blue, and for him to tell me that he doesn't love me anymore. Again.
Gosh...this is beyond hurtful. Because I do love him. But I've reached a point of complete exhaustion from it now...I can't take any more. There's only so many times a guy can just drop you and tell you they don't love you (and all for minor things - see next part!)
'Bad things' that I have done that have caused this extreme reaction are centred around trust/insecurity/my mobile phone mostly and include:
Not sleeping when he wanted me to (he wanted to sleep...I told him I wasn't tired as we'd only been up a few hours and it was day time. I told him that I would lie with him and hold him but, rather than sleep, I'd read an ebook on my phone or watch a documentary or listen to an audio book. He said that he felt 'secondary' to my phone. This incident from the weekend has caused the latest catastrophic reaction).
I had my back to him once when I sent a friend a text. I happened to be sitting in this position...it wasn't deliberate. He was in the kitchen cooking and I came from the bathroom into the sitting room to find me in this position. When he came into the room, I engaged with him. He said the position was making him feel anxious and so I passed him my phone so he could see what I was doing. (By the way, I have given him my phone lock code and have even set him up for finger print recognition on my phone so he can access it whenever he needs).
Being on my phone 'all the time'. I do use my phone for texting, Facebook, reading the news, running my online support group (several hundred members) and looking at my work's email. However, it is not when I am engaged with him. For example, when I eat dinner, I ask if I can look at the news (I like to read when I eat). When he is away from me cooking, in the garden or anywhere else away from me, I'll send a quick text or have a quick look at Facebook (I only go on there as I'm a dog lover and love seeing the pictures of the dogs posted in the groups in a member of!) He takes issue with this and has said that every time he is away, I'm rushing to use my phone...I don't...it's more a case of, I'm not allowed to use it when I am with him for engaging with anyone so if he is apart from me, I do it then. I live away from my friends and family - I'm on my own up here....they often worry - some text me every day to check I'm ok and, if I don't respond, they'd worry.
Another bad thing I did was respond in the wrong way when he deceived me. He didn't tell me he had booked a week's holiday from work. I found out...and was upset. His rationale for doing this was so that he could dedicate the week's holiday to his family who he felt he had neglected. However, he didn't want to be open about this in case I suggested spending time together and he had to 'hurt' me by telling me he had already booked the time away to see his family (which would've been completely fine, of course). I responded to this without any anger - but I did have a stern word with him which went along the lines of, 'look - I love you but I am not a push over. Do not deceive me again. I'll speak to you soon'.
Another time, I was uncomfortable to do something in an intimate way. I tried my best to do it but failed. He had no problem expressing his disappointment in me. He held me but didn't make any effort to comfort me or reassure me that everything was OK. He made me feel so bad that I told him I'd try again. To which I did and, this time, I managed to complete the task. He was all 'loved up' again after I'd done it but I felt used and violated because I had done something I didn't want to do at that time.
He is constantly suspicious about who I may be engaging with. He is alert to the fact that I am cheating on him (never have, never would have).
I try my best to keep him happy. I try so hard. But...just minor things will trigger him off and then I have to go through this. Where I am now...him completely cutting me off, only getting on touch mostly to tell me he isn't sure about us, whether he loves me etc.
I love him. Breaking up would be hard (I have spent every weekend with him and, where I live...I don't know anyone so I'd have to make a life for myself up here) but...I literally do not have anything else to give.
In our relationship, I am either the best thing that's ever happened to him or I'm the complete opposite. There is NEVER any middle ground. I'm either perfect or bad. It's like...when he encounters a minor issue with me, he blows this up into something catastrophic (i.e me not sleeping on that day as he requested and listening to an ebook instead = bad woman, not wife material, not mother material, the worst girlfriend in the world, someone he doesn't love, someone to just dump and disappear on).
When he goes through this reaction, he experiences a mental break down including severe anxiety and panic attacks. Being restless (just goes walking and wandering). Sleeping badly. Crying.
Other symptoms I have noticed are:
Overly sensitive - there are lots of tears. In a recent incident, on his birthday, he got so stressed out and anxious thinking that he had to go do something because it was his birthday that, when I got back from shopping, he burst into tears. There are tears from him often.
Extremely low on energy - he needs a lot of 'down time'.
Insecurity, suspicion, fear of being abandoned - thoughts that I may be cheating on him, speaking to other men (this is his fear when he sees me using my mobile).
Threatening to harm himself when I took issue with his behaviour - when he lied to me about the week's holiday to see his family, I was well within my rights to have a stern word with him (no anger). He responded to me with one text to say he was going to cut himself (to feel something else and perhaps as a way to prove to me how sorry he was).
Severe stress reaction.
Control - I think you can see that I am controlled. So can I. *cries*. Out of this, I am a professional woman...good job, good salary, own my own home, quite independent. I'm so happy and bubbly all the time. My wings are well and truly clipped right now *cries*
Extreme clinginess - he needs to be held, touched. This has got better but when we first met, he would be holding me and kissing me whilst I ate.
Low mood/feeling flat and empty.
And a few more, no doubt. I just don't have the energy to even think about this.
I haven't been treated very well. I know. I try to be perfect - I am constantly alert to not putting a foot wrong but...if I do something that isn't in line with whatever it is in his head - I'm more or less dead to him.
Am I a 'Codependent'?
I read that these people 'placate, accommodate, and apologize when attacked in order to maintain the emotional connection in the relationship. In the process, they give over more and more control to the borderline and further seal their low self-esteem and the couple’s codependency'.
I didn't think I had low self esteem...but the rest of that rings completely true.
Anyone have a way out?
Anyone have any advice?
Anyone live with someone like this?
Did anything help?
I love the man but I've reached a stage (I did a couple of months ago really) where I'm so exhausted with it. I want to walk away but I'm scared. And then I don't want to walk away because I'll miss him and I love him.
I can't tell you how much it hurts when you love someone and they just drop you suddenly and tell you they don't love you again...and again. We were planning a baby in the next couple of months - I was looking forward to it so much. And then he just dumps me again - all of our plans just gone.
I can't cope with this anymore. I don't think I can last much longer in this state of uncertainty. A few months ago, I was so bad from one experience that I went on beta blockers for a month. It made me feel so bad I had to make changes to my duties at work.
Thank you so much for listening to me. You should see the state of me - runny mascara face!
Annie xxxxxxxxxx