Long story but in a bad place.

[BellaLune]

I struggled with what part of the forum to post this on as I have various issues so firstly I apologise if it's in the wrong place.

I am currently having a complete breakdown, I have been bad before but not as severe as this.

It flared up about a month ago, initially it was an increase in my existing anxiety, prior to that I had been managing really well and there was no trigger for it but I was being woken by fear and panic every morning at 5am.

I began using techniques I had learned from CBT I had last year, I was also put on a waiting list for another block of sessions which are due to start in 3-4 months.

I thought I was keeping my head above water but then things got very nasty.

The fear became constant, absolutely terrified for no reason at all, I am used to panic attacks but this is like intense fear and constant panic, I can cope with the physical symptoms but it's that feeling of intense fear that is intolerable, I sometimes scream my head off with fear and don't know why.

I struggle to even function in this state, it's like the fear is so intense that I can't get dressed or make a cup of tea, my husband has to help me dress, shower etc.

I can usually go out with my husband but right now I am struggling to do that, it's a huge emotional struggle each day and even being driven to somewhere local feels so frightening, absolute intense fear of absolutely nothing.

I dragged myself to an assessment with a psychiatrist today (screaming all the way in the car) who was talking about therapy and asking the social worker who was there if she could arrange it, the social worker said no because the waiting list is a year long.

I have a history of bad reactions to medications, I take 22mg diazepam a day, been on it for 20 years and just tolerant now but can't face the prospect of withdrawal if i'm honest.

So medication wise the doctor was unable to help me.

I feel utterly stuck at this point, the constant fear and panic is dreadful, I'm exhausted but get no decent sleep, I live in constant fear for no reason and constant misery because of how bad things are.

We have children and I can't even take them out anymore which is really getting me down to the point where I often feel suicidal but I know I can't put them through that either.

We don't have much money but my husband has found a CBT therapist we can just about afford, my fear is that I am so constantly hysterical it might not even work and she doesn't do skype or home visits so I don't know how I am even going to get to her.

It all feels so hopeless right now, I have always been a big fan of self help, I have all of the Dr Claire Weekes books and study them daily trying to help myself but this panic and fear is out of control, whatever technique I throw at it has no effect at all.

I can't believe I was doing so well and now I am worse than ever, I am heartbroken.

I spend hours desperately trying to find ways to help myself get out of this rut, I search the internet for resources, I meditate, do mindfulness, everything I can think of really but to no avail.

Please can someone offer a ray of hope or perhaps suggest where I might be going wrong? I feel like I have lost my old self and don't even know who I am anymore :(

[Bill]

I think I can understand what's happened and I think I understand why it won't stop. The solution is the difficult part because you need to get back to how you were before it was triggered recently and that will come down to you because I'm not sure if additional meds would help but your psychiatrist/doctor are the ones to ask.

From your other post...

We went out as usual one morning and I felt very anxious then had a severe panic attack

The fear became constant,...I can cope with the physical symptoms but it's that feeling of intense fear that is intolerable

You could have been suffering a build up of stress or you could have just got up that day after a bad night, felt very anxious, gone out and being out then tipped you over your limit causing your panic attack.

Although you know all about panic attacks, that they can't harm you and you know they'll pass, this attack has triggered an increase in your general state of anxiety because your attack was like suffering a trauma which you can't forget because it has left a "fear of feeling fear" rather like experiencing something terrible which leaves you feeling shaky for ages after because it's made you feel insecure. It's shaken the secure feeling you were maintaining before.

If I can put it this way, the event has left you trembling and the trembling feels so intense that you can't stop thinking about it. You can't stop focusing on how you're now feeling.

It's because you keep focusing on your feelings that they now won't stop and so you're feeling constant anxious "for no reason" it feels.

Every time you feel your security is threatened such as having to go out, it makes you more anxious than you felt before the attack because you feel less able to cope because you feel in a vulnerable situation away from the security of the house.

However, when we suffer an attack, we often retreat to the house thinking that's where we'll feel safe but what actually happens is you put yourself in a trap and this trap makes you feel you can't escape which then adds to your stress which also fuels your anxiety which is why you find it so difficult to wash and dress etc. It's because anxiety is residing with you in your house (your trap).

However, to break free from your trap also causes you anxiety because outside you feel vulnerable. In this sense, it doesn't matter where you are because you have nowhere to run to escape your feelings that you're trying to get rid of.

Although you've tried all the techniques such as mindfulness etc, your problem is you can't stop thinking about how you're feeling. In other words, you're trying techniques to dampen down your fire within whilst at the same time you keep fuelling it because the fear is too intense and this is why it feels nothing is working.

This is why I say about the difficult part. Meds can normally help to ease these anxious feeling but you're already taking them. Sometimes meds can also cause attacks because our body becomes too used to taking them.

I think what you need is someone like a therapist to be with you to help you calm down but your husband could also act as your therapist if you put your faith in him. He could be the support you need to restore your feeling of security by constantly reassuring you through your therapies.

When we feel insecure, we often just need someone to take our fear away to help us build back our sense of security. This attack will also have destroyed any confidence you had so you need to build that back up so you feel stronger.

It's a bit like walking through a jungle surrounded by lions and tigers that you know you have to ignore but can't stop searching for them so you keep feeling constantly anxious because one of them had jumped out in front of and scared you too much. You've run to your hut but you can't stop looking out the window in case the lion has followed you but in doing so, the lion has moved in with you because you can't shake the memory of seeing it and the feelings of fear it placed in you.

You need to stop looking for the lion. The attack has gone, it's in the past and now treat tomorrow as if it was the day before the attack. It's a pity we can't sometimes re-format our memories to wipe out bad memories so we can go back to how we were before they happen but with willpower and determination, you can return to how you were, especially if you find arms to comfort you and a shoulder to lean on to restore your sense of security.

[chrismex89]

Hello, im a GP doctor, I think you are doing the things well taking CBT and follow the lessons of the famous Dr. Weekes, but like you said you have strong physiopatological reactions and as a doctor I think you need to brake this physiopatological cycle before can move along with CBT and Dr. Weeks knowledge.
I suggest try to find the correct scheme of medication, just to break this vicious cycle and then you can move along with CBT. Greetings from Mexico.

[braindead]

Hello, im a GP doctor, I think you are doing the things well taking CBT and follow the lessons of the famous Dr. Weekes, but like you said you have strong physiopatological reactions and as a doctor I think you need to brake this physiopatological cycle before can move along with CBT and Dr. Weeks knowledge.
I suggest try to find the correct scheme of medication, just to break this vicious cycle and then you can move along with CBT. Greetings from Mexico.

IF your a gp why didnt you just call yourself DR MEX instead of broadcsting it every POST:whistles:

[chrismex89]

IF your a gp why didnt you just call yourself DR MEX instead of broadcsting it every POST:whistles:

I can't change my name in the forum but i change things in my profile, thanks.

[BellaLune]

I think I can understand what's happened and I think I understand why it won't stop. The solution is the difficult part because you need to get back to how you were before it was triggered recently and that will come down to you because I'm not sure if additional meds would help but your psychiatrist/doctor are the ones to ask.

From your other post...

We went out as usual one morning and I felt very anxious then had a severe panic attack

The fear became constant,...I can cope with the physical symptoms but it's that feeling of intense fear that is intolerable

You could have been suffering a build up of stress or you could have just got up that day after a bad night, felt very anxious, gone out and being out then tipped you over your limit causing your panic attack.

Although you know all about panic attacks, that they can't harm you and you know they'll pass, this attack has triggered an increase in your general state of anxiety because your attack was like suffering a trauma which you can't forget because it has left a "fear of feeling fear" rather like experiencing something terrible which leaves you feeling shaky for ages after because it's made you feel insecure. It's shaken the secure feeling you were maintaining before.

If I can put it this way, the event has left you trembling and the trembling feels so intense that you can't stop thinking about it. You can't stop focusing on how you're now feeling.

It's because you keep focusing on your feelings that they now won't stop and so you're feeling constant anxious "for no reason" it feels.

Every time you feel your security is threatened such as having to go out, it makes you more anxious than you felt before the attack because you feel less able to cope because you feel in a vulnerable situation away from the security of the house.

However, when we suffer an attack, we often retreat to the house thinking that's where we'll feel safe but what actually happens is you put yourself in a trap and this trap makes you feel you can't escape which then adds to your stress which also fuels your anxiety which is why you find it so difficult to wash and dress etc. It's because anxiety is residing with you in your house (your trap).

However, to break free from your trap also causes you anxiety because outside you feel vulnerable. In this sense, it doesn't matter where you are because you have nowhere to run to escape your feelings that you're trying to get rid of.

Although you've tried all the techniques such as mindfulness etc, your problem is you can't stop thinking about how you're feeling. In other words, you're trying techniques to dampen down your fire within whilst at the same time you keep fuelling it because the fear is too intense and this is why it feels nothing is working.

This is why I say about the difficult part. Meds can normally help to ease these anxious feeling but you're already taking them. Sometimes meds can also cause attacks because our body becomes too used to taking them.

I think what you need is someone like a therapist to be with you to help you calm down but your husband could also act as your therapist if you put your faith in him. He could be the support you need to restore your feeling of security by constantly reassuring you through your therapies.

When we feel insecure, we often just need someone to take our fear away to help us build back our sense of security. This attack will also have destroyed any confidence you had so you need to build that back up so you feel stronger.

It's a bit like walking through a jungle surrounded by lions and tigers that you know you have to ignore but can't stop searching for them so you keep feeling constantly anxious because one of them had jumped out in front of and scared you too much. You've run to your hut but you can't stop looking out the window in case the lion has followed you but in doing so, the lion has moved in with you because you can't shake the memory of seeing it and the feelings of fear it placed in you.

You need to stop looking for the lion. The attack has gone, it's in the past and now treat tomorrow as if it was the day before the attack. It's a pity we can't sometimes re-format our memories to wipe out bad memories so we can go back to how we were before they happen but with willpower and determination, you can return to how you were, especially if you find arms to comfort you and a shoulder to lean on to restore your sense of security.

Thank you so much, everything you say makes so much sense and yes if only we could wipe out memories, they can be such an enemy when it comes to anxiety.

I have sadly got much worse this past week and was almost sectioned due to feeling suicidal but they said I could come home in the end.

My doctor has prescibed sertraline, I am only on day 2 with horrid side effects so it's obviously too early to know if it is going to help but I'm going to try to stick it out and combine it with CBT, willpower and determination to rebuild my life again.

[braindead]

BILL,S TALE????????? It's a bit like walking through a jungle surrounded by lions and tigers that you know you have to ignore but can't stop searching for them so you keep feeling constantly anxious because one of them had jumped out in front of and scared you too much. You've run to your hut but you can't stop looking out the window in case the lion has followed you but in doing so, the lion has moved in with you because you can't shake the memory of seeing it and the feelings of fear it placed in you./////////////////////////////////////
BILL thats the most fun fight and flight explanation i have ever heard : but lions come from Africa and tigers India. A small mistake in an otherwise colourful explanation.:winks: