nikkinik
16-07-17, 01:20
I hate writing this, I feel so guilty and saddened but it's the way I feel.
My Mum left my Dad about 4 years ago, she had an affair and then ran off with him. I begged her to come and talk to me, to at least say goodbye to my son or give him some kind of explanation as to why she wouldn't be around anymore (every year for 6yrs Someone died in our family and I couldn't bare my son losing someone else with no warning.. ) She still refused. She didn't even bother to see or speak to my fragile grandma (then, living alone after the loss of her husband) for over a week and she was clueless and heartbroken.. the whole thing pushed her back onto antidepressants too.
My mum did keep saying "you don't know what he's (dads) like". Whilst I don't believe anyone should handle things with an affair, I see now how she was pushed into it.
I've not seen my mum since, I only saw her again when my grandma was dying, and again at her funeral. We text at birthdays but that's it.
Basically all I have left now is my son, husband and father. But my relationship with my Dad has broken down to almost nothing, the same as with my mum.
I've told him, several times, as had my mum (the reasons she left are the reasons I've had enough now) He drinks, wastes his money, buys people at work with presents, shops to fill gaps of the loss of people, buys half a dozen of things you only need one of.. And since my mum went it's worse... Every other day the postman is bringing him parcels, every fortnight I see him he's got new things, lanterns, candles, trainers, goodness knows what.
I helped him for a week to clear out my mums things, tip runs, charity shops.. now he's filled it back up and more with new things.
In 2 ways he's better, he stopped smoking and has a little money saved, however I look after that because we both know he would spend it. He's in a huge amount of debt, knows he will have to work way past retirement age to keep paying it off...
But I feel he's a bad influence on my son, and I'm so so tired of the sinking feeling that he gives me. He just doesn't listen. I've said for years, stop buying things, I don't want it and I don't want my son having it... I'm constantly de cluttering, constantly selling, no sooner have I sold something away for pennies has he sent something else home with my son. I feel guilty because I can't recoup the money and/or it just ends up in the charity shop. I'm sick of feeling guilty and burdened with selling or giving away things all the time.
He buys my son cheap decor things and says "but he likes it, it's for his room" or "he can have it here if you don't want it in your house" - like I'm being strict not allowing him things he likes, I'm sick of the tat, sick of dusting it all... I've just packed and lugged 6 large boxes of model cars in the loft and he's just gone and bought not one, but two more... (But that's ok because "he (my son) wanted it, and they're on holiday.."!!
...He's taken my son on holiday for 6 years now, however only ever asked if it was ok on one of those occasions, instead he just goes ahead and books it. My mum was sick of going in the same caravan every year, she said as much but he did it anyway, now my son is sick of it too.. It's boring for him the majority of the time I think (he still said he wanted to go)
I refuse to pay any money towards the holiday that I don't get a say in, yet I have to find £100 spending money every single time - knowing it will be wasted on 2p machines and rubbish off the tacky markets.. And I know my dad is secretly annoyed that I never offer to pay for anything, including food. I just refuse to bother.
My husband and I took our son away last year and didn't come back with anything, we just had a nice time rather than shopping for tat.. But that's the complete opposite of my dad.
.. I'm at the point where I just want to put my foot down and say "he's not going with you anymore" yet I feel so guilty, without my son he won't go anywhere and will just buy more and more rubbish to fill the gaps... I'm just sick of the bad influence I feel he is.
Even my son text me several times today saying my dad was getting on his nerves- My dads just so needy and constantly needs reassurance and TBH I feel sorry for my son having to spend another 6 days with him, to the point where I'm thinking I'll just go over for the day and bring him back home... It will ruin my dads holiday but I almost don't care.
I hate that my dad drinks at all. He says "I'm on my holiday" yet I want him to stay sober whilst he's responsible for my son. That whole situation infuriates me. He gets offended that I'm suggesting he's not sober enough to be looking after him, yet won't change.. and I'm sick at myself for allowing it to go on. Even if it's one or two drinks, I just don't want it.. I'm not even 100% sure I believe it's one or two anymore.
Now tonight.. Despite me saying last time, don't buy any tat, he's been there less than 24hrs and has shown me some cheap nasty tatty tin car he's bought two(!) of - knowing full well I hated the two he bought last time they were on holiday.. and the one he bought him after that for his birthday! Stuff like that - it's like he's sticking two fingers up to me by doing it.... But it's ok "because he likes it".
He gave him a PS4, 6 months after we'd all clubbed together for his Xbox one for Christmas- how is he ever supposed to appreciate the value of things!
6 months after we had bought our son an iPhone my dad had offered him his old iPhone (that was a newer version).. So we were put on the spot again then, having to say no, sorry you can't have it.
... Then follows every month of "why can't he just have the phone"----
He's a drain on me!
My Dad gave him a new Xbox one game the other week.. After we had a major fight over Christmas (over his drinking and shopping habits).. That resulted in me throwing his bag of empty cans and brandy bottles down the stairs at him, and him screaming in my face and bruising my arms.. That's what we've resorted to!
My dads got no one and nothing except for me, my son and work. Take out us two and I know he'd be rock bottom. He already texts me every single weekend my son isn't there telling me how lonely he is. Yet I don't want to do anything about it because I'm just sick of hearing it... That's basically the way it is. I'm sick of him. I've told him what I need to happen - no more drinking with my son in his care, no more buying him stuff, but it just doesn't stay that way.. He'll do as I ask for a few weeks, then do something else, annoy me and push me even further away..
.. I had one ok fathers day with him, then a fortnight later he gave my son that Xbox game!! I just feel despaired all the time.
We ask our son to save up for them because they're expensive...
. Despite our efforts I'm sure he still doesn't appreciate the value of things.. Who can blame him!
I don't see my own mum because my dad would be upset. I don't know if she even cares, but I feel guilty and sad about it.
I don't particularly want my son to visit him on weekends, yet when he doesn't want to go himself I feel a weight on my shoulders knowing my dad will be drinking himself into a misery because "he's lonely"!
He guilts me with "it's ok, you're busy, you've got your own family" ..
He doesn't come here and spend time with me, he just picks my son up and leaves.., it's a mess.
I don't even call him because I know past 6pm he'll be slurring his words and won't remember half of what I've told him, listening to him all jolly and slurry just annoys the hell out of me.
He drains me.
I'd been married less than 24hrs and he was sulking that I was thinking of changing my sons name so he matched ours, several times I've heard the sob story of "but I always thought X (my son) would carry on the family name". So I've even put that off, much to the disappointment and sadness of my husband.
Even on the day of my wedding I had to drive in my wedding dress because my dad wanted a drink, I even had to sit in the co op carpark whilst he went in for some drink because I purposely didn't buy any to have at home.
...Yet mention any off this and he just sulks, moans about how he's "got nothing anymore, how lonely he is, how he can't get anything right" and I'm guilted into apologising and we'll go back to the same old routine...
I hate to say it. He's my dad. But he makes me miserable. 1:20am and I'm wide awake because he's wound me up yet again......
My Mum left my Dad about 4 years ago, she had an affair and then ran off with him. I begged her to come and talk to me, to at least say goodbye to my son or give him some kind of explanation as to why she wouldn't be around anymore (every year for 6yrs Someone died in our family and I couldn't bare my son losing someone else with no warning.. ) She still refused. She didn't even bother to see or speak to my fragile grandma (then, living alone after the loss of her husband) for over a week and she was clueless and heartbroken.. the whole thing pushed her back onto antidepressants too.
My mum did keep saying "you don't know what he's (dads) like". Whilst I don't believe anyone should handle things with an affair, I see now how she was pushed into it.
I've not seen my mum since, I only saw her again when my grandma was dying, and again at her funeral. We text at birthdays but that's it.
Basically all I have left now is my son, husband and father. But my relationship with my Dad has broken down to almost nothing, the same as with my mum.
I've told him, several times, as had my mum (the reasons she left are the reasons I've had enough now) He drinks, wastes his money, buys people at work with presents, shops to fill gaps of the loss of people, buys half a dozen of things you only need one of.. And since my mum went it's worse... Every other day the postman is bringing him parcels, every fortnight I see him he's got new things, lanterns, candles, trainers, goodness knows what.
I helped him for a week to clear out my mums things, tip runs, charity shops.. now he's filled it back up and more with new things.
In 2 ways he's better, he stopped smoking and has a little money saved, however I look after that because we both know he would spend it. He's in a huge amount of debt, knows he will have to work way past retirement age to keep paying it off...
But I feel he's a bad influence on my son, and I'm so so tired of the sinking feeling that he gives me. He just doesn't listen. I've said for years, stop buying things, I don't want it and I don't want my son having it... I'm constantly de cluttering, constantly selling, no sooner have I sold something away for pennies has he sent something else home with my son. I feel guilty because I can't recoup the money and/or it just ends up in the charity shop. I'm sick of feeling guilty and burdened with selling or giving away things all the time.
He buys my son cheap decor things and says "but he likes it, it's for his room" or "he can have it here if you don't want it in your house" - like I'm being strict not allowing him things he likes, I'm sick of the tat, sick of dusting it all... I've just packed and lugged 6 large boxes of model cars in the loft and he's just gone and bought not one, but two more... (But that's ok because "he (my son) wanted it, and they're on holiday.."!!
...He's taken my son on holiday for 6 years now, however only ever asked if it was ok on one of those occasions, instead he just goes ahead and books it. My mum was sick of going in the same caravan every year, she said as much but he did it anyway, now my son is sick of it too.. It's boring for him the majority of the time I think (he still said he wanted to go)
I refuse to pay any money towards the holiday that I don't get a say in, yet I have to find £100 spending money every single time - knowing it will be wasted on 2p machines and rubbish off the tacky markets.. And I know my dad is secretly annoyed that I never offer to pay for anything, including food. I just refuse to bother.
My husband and I took our son away last year and didn't come back with anything, we just had a nice time rather than shopping for tat.. But that's the complete opposite of my dad.
.. I'm at the point where I just want to put my foot down and say "he's not going with you anymore" yet I feel so guilty, without my son he won't go anywhere and will just buy more and more rubbish to fill the gaps... I'm just sick of the bad influence I feel he is.
Even my son text me several times today saying my dad was getting on his nerves- My dads just so needy and constantly needs reassurance and TBH I feel sorry for my son having to spend another 6 days with him, to the point where I'm thinking I'll just go over for the day and bring him back home... It will ruin my dads holiday but I almost don't care.
I hate that my dad drinks at all. He says "I'm on my holiday" yet I want him to stay sober whilst he's responsible for my son. That whole situation infuriates me. He gets offended that I'm suggesting he's not sober enough to be looking after him, yet won't change.. and I'm sick at myself for allowing it to go on. Even if it's one or two drinks, I just don't want it.. I'm not even 100% sure I believe it's one or two anymore.
Now tonight.. Despite me saying last time, don't buy any tat, he's been there less than 24hrs and has shown me some cheap nasty tatty tin car he's bought two(!) of - knowing full well I hated the two he bought last time they were on holiday.. and the one he bought him after that for his birthday! Stuff like that - it's like he's sticking two fingers up to me by doing it.... But it's ok "because he likes it".
He gave him a PS4, 6 months after we'd all clubbed together for his Xbox one for Christmas- how is he ever supposed to appreciate the value of things!
6 months after we had bought our son an iPhone my dad had offered him his old iPhone (that was a newer version).. So we were put on the spot again then, having to say no, sorry you can't have it.
... Then follows every month of "why can't he just have the phone"----
He's a drain on me!
My Dad gave him a new Xbox one game the other week.. After we had a major fight over Christmas (over his drinking and shopping habits).. That resulted in me throwing his bag of empty cans and brandy bottles down the stairs at him, and him screaming in my face and bruising my arms.. That's what we've resorted to!
My dads got no one and nothing except for me, my son and work. Take out us two and I know he'd be rock bottom. He already texts me every single weekend my son isn't there telling me how lonely he is. Yet I don't want to do anything about it because I'm just sick of hearing it... That's basically the way it is. I'm sick of him. I've told him what I need to happen - no more drinking with my son in his care, no more buying him stuff, but it just doesn't stay that way.. He'll do as I ask for a few weeks, then do something else, annoy me and push me even further away..
.. I had one ok fathers day with him, then a fortnight later he gave my son that Xbox game!! I just feel despaired all the time.
We ask our son to save up for them because they're expensive...
. Despite our efforts I'm sure he still doesn't appreciate the value of things.. Who can blame him!
I don't see my own mum because my dad would be upset. I don't know if she even cares, but I feel guilty and sad about it.
I don't particularly want my son to visit him on weekends, yet when he doesn't want to go himself I feel a weight on my shoulders knowing my dad will be drinking himself into a misery because "he's lonely"!
He guilts me with "it's ok, you're busy, you've got your own family" ..
He doesn't come here and spend time with me, he just picks my son up and leaves.., it's a mess.
I don't even call him because I know past 6pm he'll be slurring his words and won't remember half of what I've told him, listening to him all jolly and slurry just annoys the hell out of me.
He drains me.
I'd been married less than 24hrs and he was sulking that I was thinking of changing my sons name so he matched ours, several times I've heard the sob story of "but I always thought X (my son) would carry on the family name". So I've even put that off, much to the disappointment and sadness of my husband.
Even on the day of my wedding I had to drive in my wedding dress because my dad wanted a drink, I even had to sit in the co op carpark whilst he went in for some drink because I purposely didn't buy any to have at home.
...Yet mention any off this and he just sulks, moans about how he's "got nothing anymore, how lonely he is, how he can't get anything right" and I'm guilted into apologising and we'll go back to the same old routine...
I hate to say it. He's my dad. But he makes me miserable. 1:20am and I'm wide awake because he's wound me up yet again......