I need some help! Relationship and new job and life on the brink of falling apart.

[bunster4]

Hi, this is my first post and I'm looking to get some to get some help and advice with something I am currently going through which feels as though it's taking over every waking minute of my life.

I recently landed my dream job in the industry I have always wanted to work in. Excitement did not even cut it. I would be moving to the capital of the UK working with exciting new people and getting to be part of the industry I always dreamed of being in.

3 months before this event my ex and I parted ways, it was terrible, I felt down and upset all the time and as though everything was coming to an end. I understand this is completely normal but it was super hard.

About two months after we broke up I met a new girl on a dating site. She made me laugh, had suffered with anxiety in the past and we just hit it off. She was definitely not my usual type of girl; very impulsive, exciting and positive. It was a refreshing change and it made me very happy.

It's probably worth mentioning that I have suffered with anxiety from a young age. I've always struggled with it from as long as I can remember and the doctor diagnosed me with GAD when I was 10 years old. I was put onto medication at this point until I managed to get a handle on it and lead a relatively normal happy life up until recently.

Last year I was going through a rough patch that's when I met my ex. Initially things were great but then I started getting horrible thoughts and panic over the whole situation. I questioned and analysed it all the time.

Should I be with this person?

Am I attracted to this person?

Maybe we should just break up I'll be better off alone.

Why does she even want me?

What does she see in me/ I see in her?

This ruined the relationship. It grinded it down until there was nothing left but hurt and she eventually ended it.

That's in the past now. I have moved on from it and I was so happy when I met my new girlfriend. She get's me! We have fun! She makes me laugh and feel like I am cared for!

I have told her about these tendencies and she supports me, we have fun, she makes me laugh like no one does, whenever I speak to her I feel fine and when I see her 80% of the time I feel great.

BUT IT HAS STARTED AGAIN.

The same questioning behaviour I mentioned before is happening again. Over exactly the same things?!? I keep thinking I should just end it but whenever I go to I am filled with panic and dread. I don't want to let her go and I want her in my life.

People I have talked to about this say maybe it's my intuition telling me she is the wrong person for me and maybe I should just leave. I accept this may not be forever and I know that you can never know for sure how long a relationship will last but I am falling in love with this girl and I want to be with her. Why can I not just be calm and happy?

I doubt my own thoughts and feelings and I do not know which are the anxiety and which are me anymore.

I feel so lost and sometimes when I think of seeing her I'm so very happy but most of the time I dread it because I know how it has been making me feel and that makes me so very sad, I just want to be happy with her and her to make me happy like I know she always does. I don't know whether this is my anxiety or whether it's the relationship and I should walk away.

A side note to add is that I have felt this in every relationship I have been in to some extent. What do I do?

Has anyone else experienced this?

I cannot seem to find a definitive answer anywhere and I feel so scared, alone and isolated.

It's also worth mentioning I have now moved to London and am working in my new job. Yes it makes me anxious living in a new place and working a new job but nothing like this is making me feel.

Sorry for the rant and I really hope someone can shed some light on this for me.

Thank you.

[bunster4]

I know this was a bit of a panic rant guys so apologies for that but I'd really appreciate any advice anyone could give me on how to deal with this. Thank youuuu!

[Bill]

I think I can understand what's going on. I've picked out a few things you've said to help explain things.

It's probably worth mentioning that I have suffered with anxiety from a young age. I've always struggled with it from as long as I can remember and the doctor diagnosed me with GAD when I was 10 years old.

Last year I was going through a rough patch that's when I met my ex. Initially things were great but then I started getting horrible thoughts and panic over the whole situation. I questioned and analysed it all the time.

I was so happy when I met my new girlfriend. She get's me! We have fun! She makes me laugh and feel like I am cared for!...I am falling in love with this girl and I want to be with her.

I recently landed my dream job in the industry I have always wanted to work in. Excitement did not even cut it. I would be moving to the capital of the UK working with exciting new people and getting to be part of the industry I always dreamed of being in.

I have now moved to London and am working in my new job. Yes it makes me anxious living in a new place and working a new job

Why can I not just be calm and happy?

I've copied these sections above to show what I think are the key points to explain things for you.

Firstly, stress surfaces in various forms but when we suffer from anxiety, too much stress will always trigger anxiety in some form, normally connected to what we fear most at that time.

You say you've suffered from GAD since you were 10 so it's always been lurking in the background as it does.

When you met your ex, you were going through a bad patch which presumably was causing you a lot of stress. Meeting your ex was good for you but because you were going through a stressful time, this would have triggered your anxiety which you then unintentionally directed towards thoughts about the relationship because the relationship felt so important to you.

Now you've met your new girlfriend and again she's become very important to you. However, instead of going through a bad patch which at that time caused you a lot of stress, you're now suffering two different forms of stress which you might not be entirely aware of.

The first form is connected to your move to London. Living somewhere new and unfamiliar is always unsettling so you're bound to feel anxious until you settle in.

The second form is connected to your new job. Starting a new job will always cause someone to feel anxious but this job is as you say, "is your dream job". Just like being in a relationship that feels very important to us, having our dream job can also cause anxiety because in both cases, we feel we have everything we've wanted but when we feel like this, it can cause stress which triggers our anxiety - Our fear of losing all we have, all we have dreamt of.

For instance, when you feel in a winning position in sport, you suddenly become anxious because you feel you have everything to lose.

In a nutshell, that's where I think you are.

A rough patch will always cause stress triggering anxiety.

A relationship in which we feel really happy can cause us stress triggering anxiety because of our fear of losing what we hold dear.

Our dream job can cause stress triggering anxiety for the same reason because we feel we have what we've always dreamt of.

A move to unfamiliar surroundings is always stressful until we settle in.

You've suffered a number of events all causing stresses for different reasons but you need to remember two things -

You really love this girlfriend and she sounds very happy with you, and secondly, you have your dream job so to be happy, try to relax and enjoy all your dreams come true and don't focus on your anxiety that creates fears of losing what you have.

When anxiety raises questions, just remind yourself it's because you have everything you've ever wanted and in time things will settle as you adjust to your new life with the job and the girl of your dreams. They won't be going anywhere because you enjoy your job and your girlfriend loves you and understands anxiety so be reassured, try to relax and just enjoy all you have.