Modestaustin811
19-07-17, 04:07
I've been bad lately. But 6 months ago I was perfectly fine. Even like 4 months ago I was completely fine.
I've just realized though I've been feeling consistently bad for 2 months. Like the last 2 months have been complete shit. The last month for sure has been very bad.
Today I woke up from a weird sleep. The fan was on and I woke up a couple times from being cold. It took me awhile to get out of bed, and I took another uber. The uber driver was bad.
I got to the office, and it was another bad day of me googling. I couldn't stop googling depression all day. I feel bad for **** I'm letting her down, we've got work to do. Especially for this ***** brand campaign, but i just can't do it. I'm drawing ****ing blanks.
It's hard to be creative, and focus on that when I feel like such shit.
I really need to stop looking up everything about depression. I don't even know what I'm trying to find at this point. Something to give me hope maybe? Something to relate too. It's just so hard. I left working feeling this dread feeling in my stomach. It got so bad tonight. It's the depression feeling, but I don't know if it's even depression?
It's intense. It could be anxiety. It could just be anxiety. I'm worried that maybe it's something to do with my gut. Maybe something from the food i'm eating. But I literally spent a year eating whatever the **** I wanted and was fine mentally. So I don't know if it's that.
I've also been really obsessed with my poo. It's been floating. Apparently it's not suppose to do that. I looked at pictures of my poo from a couple years ago, and it didn't float then. But now it does. Goes back to the gut bacteria thing.
I've got homework to do tonight but I keep procrastinating it. I'm hoping to get one thing done. Maybe rewrite the "it's probably nothing" description. I'm just unmotivated.
God. Is it laziness? Or is it depression? I can't remember what I was like before. What I felt like before. I don't want to be on medication. I don't believe in it. I don't even have the time to try it.
I am not suicidal, but I think about death. I do. It couldn't do it. And I don't want to do it. But I'm scared for my future, because I'm getting thoughts of "what does it matter" why does any of this matter.
I want to feel good.
I've just realized though I've been feeling consistently bad for 2 months. Like the last 2 months have been complete shit. The last month for sure has been very bad.
Today I woke up from a weird sleep. The fan was on and I woke up a couple times from being cold. It took me awhile to get out of bed, and I took another uber. The uber driver was bad.
I got to the office, and it was another bad day of me googling. I couldn't stop googling depression all day. I feel bad for **** I'm letting her down, we've got work to do. Especially for this ***** brand campaign, but i just can't do it. I'm drawing ****ing blanks.
It's hard to be creative, and focus on that when I feel like such shit.
I really need to stop looking up everything about depression. I don't even know what I'm trying to find at this point. Something to give me hope maybe? Something to relate too. It's just so hard. I left working feeling this dread feeling in my stomach. It got so bad tonight. It's the depression feeling, but I don't know if it's even depression?
It's intense. It could be anxiety. It could just be anxiety. I'm worried that maybe it's something to do with my gut. Maybe something from the food i'm eating. But I literally spent a year eating whatever the **** I wanted and was fine mentally. So I don't know if it's that.
I've also been really obsessed with my poo. It's been floating. Apparently it's not suppose to do that. I looked at pictures of my poo from a couple years ago, and it didn't float then. But now it does. Goes back to the gut bacteria thing.
I've got homework to do tonight but I keep procrastinating it. I'm hoping to get one thing done. Maybe rewrite the "it's probably nothing" description. I'm just unmotivated.
God. Is it laziness? Or is it depression? I can't remember what I was like before. What I felt like before. I don't want to be on medication. I don't believe in it. I don't even have the time to try it.
I am not suicidal, but I think about death. I do. It couldn't do it. And I don't want to do it. But I'm scared for my future, because I'm getting thoughts of "what does it matter" why does any of this matter.
I want to feel good.