Update_ish.... In the tunnel...hoping to see the light soon

[Chrysmar09]

I was doing better. Not 100% but I was getting out the house, got a job, even started looking at places to move. Ive just made the two week.mark on taking 10mg prozac and thought maybe the medicine had kicked in early. Well yesterday and today Ive been in a wave of depression and horrible agitation and anxiety. Not even sure how to feel right now. Trying not to go into worst case scenario thinking but Im just down because im on meds and feeling like they do more harm than good (probably the depression talking)

I was taking my klonopin once at night to sleep but stopped the past two days so I don't become dependent...took one last night and had a anxiety attack and didn't get any sleep. Kind of threw me off because I thought klonopin stops anxiety. This morning I woke up and felt like my thoughts were too random and fast and I couldn't get ahold of them which gave me a headache. That just added to my health anxiety and "what if I have something more than anxiety".

Add on to the fact my daughter even says "mom you seem so nervous" "you never do anything fun" "you seem different"

Sighs... What a life

[MyNameIsTerry]

It's still early days. The med takes over a month to reach steady state in your blood plasma so it's still building right now.

Some people experience wobbles around week 4-5 from this med so if you have some issues then, keep this in mind. It's a recorded issue with this med.

Even once steady you will find recovery isn't a straight curve to wellness, it can have blips along the way. As a friend on here used to say, all that matters is that you are progressing no matter how slow.

[Chrysmar09]

Thank you.... That keeps me from stopping the med and lets me know that its still a lot of my own thinking.... This is so hard at times and I feel like each day its something else or something new to deal with when it comes to my anxiety. Right now vision problems and the ringing in my ear along with the hard of hearing sucks.. then i feel like I dont act normal and my memory and confusion are terrible.. but these could all be anxiety related. I didnt realize how GAD can take over your life

[MyNameIsTerry]

Tell me about it! It cost me a career and my friends. When it's at it's worst it is horrible as everything all day long is a struggle and you are just fighting through the days. It does get better though and I found it moves in stages where things just improve and you work on the next stage.

Memory & confusion issues are very common with anxiety. And with antidepressants as a side effect initially. It's best to remember that your doctors have all said it's not a more severe mental health condition therefore all these symptoms can be looked at as anxiety and you work on accepting this and not reacting with fear as symptoms arise.

It's early days and whilst you want to feel better more than anything, we sadly need to try to be realistic about it and keep pushing forward with recovery.

You're doing all the right things to get there.

[Chrysmar09]

Thank you...some days I feel like im not progressing fast enough....but I really have to take it day by day

[AntsyVee]

Thank you...some days I feel like im not progressing fast enough....but I really have to take it day by day

That has been my downfall many times, especially since getting PTSD. I would say to myself, "It's been ______ weeks or months since my buddy's death, I should be feeling this certain way now." The truth is, you can't put a timetable on grief, anxiety or depression.

All you can do is try to do better than you did the day before. Sometimes, you can't even break it down by day, it's gotta be by smaller time frames. Some times I've had to take it 10 minutes at a time. In my worst times of PTSD and depression I've had to put up motivational signs around my house like "You can do it! Get out of bed."

[MyNameIsTerry]

That has been my downfall many times, especially since getting PTSD. I would say to myself, "It's been ______ weeks or months since my buddy's death, I should be feeling this certain way now." The truth is, you can't put a timetable on grief, anxiety or depression.

All you can do is try to do better than you did the day before. Sometimes, you can't even break it down by day, it's gotta be by smaller time frames. Some times I've had to take it 10 minutes at a time. In my worst times of PTSD and depression I've had to put up motivational signs around my house like "You can do it! Get out of bed."

I was taught in therapt how big goals don't work as they put too much pressure on and set unrealistic targets. Just like in any business targetting. I was taught to use micro goals to add up.

Reading Professor Williams Mindfulness told me the same. Harnesh the BEING brain, which is more powerful, and use the DOING analytical brain less and only for the tasks it should be. DOING is for finding a path through a problem and "recover from anxiety" is far too large a task for that.

[Chrysmar09]

well last night I had a set back. It seems like I hear so many random sounds at night. Its like my ears start to pick up on every little sound and it freaks me out (having a schizo fear doesn't help either) then I had a bad dream and for some reason jerked out of my sleep which caused a small anxiety attack. I did deep breathing and talked myself down and back to sleep but this morning the feeling that I am hearing random buzzing and hissing makes me feel paranoid...which then scares me. I just made week three taking prozac last thursday. I am hoping I can get over this hump

Plus I have been having a lot of teeth grinding and chattering and muscle twitches including my head and all over. That makes me think MS or Parkinsons but I do not google my symptoms (thank god lol) but this doesn't help my anxiety either. I will say that the deep depression has lifted so when I get up I kind of feel better...but the fears(schizophrenia, mania, psychosis ect) are still there. BUT I am challenging my thoughts a lot better than when I wasn't on meds.

[AntsyVee]

You will. Small setbacks like this are normal when you get triggered by something.

I'm a light sleeper also, and I have to sleep with a fan or noise maker every night. Otherwise I also listen to every sound.

[Chrysmar09]

I sleep with a fan on but I can hear the buzzing from the fan or at least what I think is the buzzing from the fan lol. hearing all these sounds starts the "am I losing my mind" "can anyone else hear these things" thinking but I try to ignore it. I think when I try to "hear" stuff thats when it gets really bad. Like I am actively concentrating too much on hearing things to make sure I am still in reality... which as I read that sounds really insane lol but anxiety isn't a rational thinking thing.

I am wondering does anxiety heighten your hearing?

[AntsyVee]

Anxiety heightens all of the senses. It's a primal reaction of the brain leftover from our hunting and gathering days to alert you to danger. That's why you get a rush of adrenaline. That's to get you the hell out of the way of the saber toothed cat ;)

[Chrysmar09]

Today is kind of hard. My head feels fuzzy and heavy and I feel like I may have a seizure. I went to the store and felt dizzy and lightheaded. Im trying to eat hoping its just hypoglycemia. My vision seems off and my hearing is still heightened and I think thats adding to my anxiety. I seriously want to get past this im going crazy feeling.

[AntsyVee]

Hang in there. It takes awhile, but these kinds of days will get fewer and far between. You will have them every once in a while. Today I had a super anxious morning because I didn't sleep well last night and my cat woke me up a bunch. It happens.

[Chrysmar09]

I guess I thought that being close to the 1 month mark id be not as bad. I still have the "am I becoming schizophrenic" still id thought id be over that right now. Also it could be im not eating enough either.

Another problem is that my left ear is hurting inside of it really bad at times and I dont know what that is about. I dont know if that is why my hearing is heightened or not.

[MyNameIsTerry]

The meds just help you to cope better but the real work is going to come from the therapy side.

Also, remember that SSRI's have a 2 stage effect; first they boost existing Serotonin by stimulating the releasing receptors so it gets used more, then they plug holes in the receptors that reabsorb it so the reabsorption is slower, like plugging holes in a shower head really. This second stage, known as "down regulation" takes longer. In a long half life med, expect this to take longer because a med like Fluoxetine won't even be balanced in the blood plasma for just over a month.

As far as those thoughts go, they won't go right now but they may reduce in frequency & intensity if the Serotonin boosting is helping you. Even after you free yourself from intrusive thoughts, I've found I still really notice mine more than I ever did before but the difference is I don't react and just pass straight through. This is a process of change in the subconscious that you work on, meds alone may not resolve that as that reaction is what keeps them reinforced.

It's a matter if being realistic about time. Don't put unrealistic targets on yourself, all improvement is success. There's really no timescale with mental health issues, any doctor is guessing if they will even go out on a limb to guess one.

[Chrysmar09]

Terry I will say that the frequency, the type of thoughts, and the intensity of the thoughts have changed dramatically. The one that seems to linger is the schizo fear. The harm thoughts, suicide thoughts, snapping thoughts are like completely gone.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Well that's an enormous improvement in such a short time. I'm very glad to hear it. It must be a relief?

Some people expect to take these meds and see fast improvement and whilst it does happen, for many it takes longer. I found improvements came in month 2 and then 3 when I started Cit but prior to that I was left worse after the side effects.

The greater the fear, the longer you can expect it to take anyway. The lesser ones are more likely to melt away first. Your subconsious has to learn by observation and change it's core beliefs about these fears. It's a bit like dismantling something in OCD, take the compulsions away and things get easier, reduce the reactions, but you still have to take down the obsession.

[Chrysmar09]

I do think the paxil made it worse and the trauma from dealing with that. And believe me I am glad about the other fears diminishing but this one fear just lingers on. Even after all the confirmation I have received. My dr said with how many times they have seen me in the last few months, there is no way they could have missed me being in psychosis or schizophrenic. Ill be 34 in 2 months so im out of the age range. But just thinking im hearing stuff sends me into that thinking or waiting for psychosis to come. Its so draining. But I also need to do better at challenging my thoughts and with the mindful meditation

[MyNameIsTerry]

Mindfulness is a skill, it takes time to learn so take that one as it goes. As Professor Mark Williams says, you will fail because that's part of learning it. And several of us on here have found that if we stop practicing, we experience some backsliding.

I seriously doubt any doctor or nurse seeing you for the first time would miss an episode of psychosis. It's not a subtle thing. One guy on here has a brother who goes through it and has talked about those experiences. He was completely lost in his belief that people were out to get him that he was posting threats on Facebook and the police turned up. He went to a ward under a section and assualted the doctor. The doctor's response was simply that they were used to it. They got him on meds, he was back to who he really was. He later started to slip as the behavious started again and he went back in as his family confronted him over it.

That's an example. To him, he was being targetted. He wasn't.

Does that sound like you? Vee has real experience in this area, unlike me, but I know I'm not looking at someone like that. I'm yet to see anyone on here worrying about Schizophrenia, bipolar, or any other that can include psychosis or delusion, to be anything like what a person really going through appears like when you read medical literature.

Anxiety will heighten your senses and it will make your focus a lot more acute on anything potentially threatening. This means anything that can be possible associated with your fears. You will be scanning for sounds, looking for shadows in the corners of your vision, etc but there will be explanations (e.g. the Hypnagogic & Hypnopompic ones) or even if there aren't, they will be so subtle you doubt even hearing/seeing them which is unlike proper hallucination. And even then, hallucinations can be caused by many things, even grief can bring on voices, so always be rational and wary of jumping to conclusions.

[Chrysmar09]

Oh nooooo im not violent or thinking people are out to get me. Hell im always feeling the opposite like no one notices me lol. I guess I had the wrong idea about psychosis. My therapist told me that schizophrenia is not a subtle illness... You cant hide it if its untreated. Even with all the confirmations why cant I shake this? Its like I cant let this go. Now its not as bad as before where I was ready to go to a hospital but it still worries me especially in the morning its like i hear all kinds of sounds. But im making some progress.... So I guess ill look at the upside more

[AntsyVee]

Yes, and you may eventually find you need a dosage increase. You will still have weird and/or intrusive thoughts once in awhile even when you are stabilized on a med. you just won't fixate on it like you used to.

[MyNameIsTerry]

It was completely out of character behaviour for him too. That's a big sign and his family were immediately worried when they heard about it.

It's good to hear you say that because you need to remember there is a massive difference between the hints & doubts your subconscious tried on you to start the catastrophizing and really experiencing something so powerful.

You have a choice here, you can over think it & worry why you aren't getting past it (fighting it) or try to accept this is a current stage you are passing through. Fighting negatively just upsets you more and opens the door to low mood.

I was saying all the same things early on in CBT. Once I found what worked and turned a corner, I knew, I just felt things changing. Give it time, time & repetition gets you moving but at first you may feel inertia or slow progress.

You are working on strong survival based thinking, fears get built a lot quicker than they are unpicked. The feedback system in the fear cycle only sees negative reactions (fight of flight), the Amygdala in question doesn't see positive/neutral reactions which is the goal and this means it can't address it as directly...it's like pulling the rug from under it.

[AntsyVee]

You are working on strong survival based thinking, fears get built a lot quicker than they are unpicked. The feedback system in the fear cycle only sees negative reactions (fight of flight), the Amygdala in question doesn't see positive/neutral reactions which is the goal and this means it can't address it as directly...it's like pulling the rug from under it.

This is very true. In anxiety sufferers, our systems interpret danger where there is none. It's like people who have allergies. The body's immune system interprets pollen as an invader and starts reacting even though pollen poses no threat to us. We freak out over stimuli that other non-anxious people do not react to. Back in hunting and gatherer days this gave us an advantage, but now it can range from an annoyance to life ruining behavior.