Constant battle...

[Insomniac]

Maybe red will cheer me up?

Well I was lying in bed this morning trying to persuade myself to get up and I thought how often I have to struggle. I have a couple of really black days each month (with PMS). But I do find it hard and I feel I want to stay in bed and stay asleep then I don't have to face reality.

I know that's not the way and realistically I am winning because although its there I am not letting it beat me. The same as the anxiety. Its there but I don't let it take over.

Someone said to me at the weekend that whenever he sees me I am smiling. Which in some ways I find quite ironic considering how I really feel. I'm depressed and suffering with anxiety, on meds etc. Yet its one of those illnesses that people don't see. I have got used to telling people about it. Though I am still choosy who I tell. But his comment got me thinking...

But sometimes.... you know.... Just sometimes I wonder why I have to struggle like this. Will it always be like this? Why can't the depression go away. God knows I've had it long enough. Maybe its just like that. The illness is always there, we just manage better at some times than others.

Daryl (hubby) is lovely. He is supportive with both anxiety and depression. Though sometimes we both get frustrated when he tries to cheer me up. He's an optimistic dreamer by nature, and says my cup is half empty while his is half full.

We've had serious financial difficulty and just managed to avoid being given an order to vacate our home - we now have housing benefit to help with our rent. So he says things are looking up. I sasy I know but that doesn't change the fact that my health is still suffering because of the situation so far. Its been like this (financially) for over a year now, and it takes a while i suppose for a body/mind to get over the stress and effects of stress for that time. My work is fine and apart from anxiety etc, we are healthy & happy. I'm coping quite well with the anxiety most of the time, which again builds my confidence each time.

So why the blackness?

Sorry this is so long.

[bottleblond]

Hi Lisa,
I know exactly what you are talking about hun...i also have these black times too. i have my days where i cry from morning to night (so not like me at all) and no reason behind them, i too wish i could stay in bed on those days and just shut the world and my problems away but alas it's not so simple, life goes on and so must we no matter how bad we feel. I'm sorry i don't really have any advice here but sometimes it comforting to know others are in the same boat!

I really hope you feel better soon and your husband sounds a fantastic person and great support to you.

best of luck toots
love
lisa
xxx

[Insomniac]

Hey Lisa.

Thanks for your reply. Its always good to know you're not alone. Because it does feel like you're alone when you're down. And my self-esteem suffers even more at those times I wonder why hubby stays. But he said before he asked me to marry him that its "warts and all". His love doesn't change because I suffer with depression. Its a part of me, like many other things. And though it makes life difficult sometimes, it doesn't change how much he loves me. (Don't know where I'd be without him.)

Know exactly what you mean about carrying on. My daughter is 8 yrs old and I get up for her. And to go to work. So long as I keep going it doesnt overtake me. Once I'm at work and while I'm busy its not so bad. So keeping going does keep it at bay.

Thank you so much for your reply. I find it hard to go on the depression forum as I never know what to say. I end up feeling worse as I dont feel I can help anyone and get more depressed because the messages all speak about how I feel inside and I mostly keep going by trying to ignore the depression.
Just knowing I'm not alone helps. Thanks.

[groovygranny]

Lisa,

Many a time my smiles have belied my thoughts, and I often felt such a fake.

But I view the 'blackness' as a necessary reminder of how far I've come......I think back to one of Pip's quotes...

....."Turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you"

They may not go away, but you'll be the one in front!

:hugs::hugs:

[Insomniac]

I often felt such a fake.



I know exactly what you mean. I have felt for years (luckily not all the time) that I am putting on a mask before going out the door. Before "performing" in front of colleagues. I realise that lots of people do this to some extent, leaving personal problems at home, but some days its harder than others and it takes a huge effort to get through the day.:shrug:

Today was tough again. By lunch time I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed. Not sleeping well either. But I talked myself out of it because I'm a teaching assistant and they're doing SATs this week. Telling myself there's nothing really wrong, just the difficulty of dragging myself through another day with the smile on and the reactions to the class as level as ever. Ok so far with my level of tolerance, keeping the thoughts of "will you please just stop fussing" inside. Can't believe its only Wednesday!!!

Still, silver lining and all that - we're over half way through the week, and we get a week off soon. I need it to recover my real smile. :wacko:

Thanks for your support.
:flowers:

[groovygranny]

HI Lisa

We have SAT's all this week too, and I'm climbing the walls as I have an audit to prepare for and they're using the IT suite as an exam room!!!

Need's must because of space but it means my work is that much more difficult this week. So, on goes the smiley face and "Of course I don't mind all these extra tables and chairs.......I'm beginning to lilke the bruises on the top of my legs where I keep bumping into them....such lovey shades of purple and green!":mad::D

We're not fussing Lisa - we're just trying to function, and doing a damn good job of it sometimes eh?!!

I'm still learning how not to be too hard on myself - so don't be too hard on yourself!

So come on, let's both turn our faces to the sun today :)! But if we don't feel like smiling - we shan't eh?! The sun will still be there tomorrow.

:flowers:

[Insomniac]

So come on, let's both turn our faces to the sun today :)! But if we don't feel like smiling - we shan't eh?! The sun will still be there tomorrow.


At 1pm today I was very seriously considering asking for cover so I could go home, but managed to stay on til end of school. So....Thank you for your message.

I like that idea. I spent half an hour sitting in a chair in the garden when I got home today cloud watching with my MP3. By the end I WAS smiling... :shades: