View Full Version : Im in a mess
Hi all
I havent been on the computer for a while so im sorry if ive been neglecting you guys but im having trouble at the moment and i cant cope.
Since having a massive panic attack on holiday ive been having them everyday since. Not the pounding heart ones but the panic where you get a cold chill all over, feel faint, think you are dying etc. I havent had them like this since the very beginning (over 2 years ago) and they have scared me into hiding in bed for most of the day.
Im terrified to leave the house - although I have been trying and managed to get to my part time job a couple of days this week. Today is the first time I have eaten anything in 4 days and I feel too sick to even have a ciggie, (if you knew me you would know thats unheard of).
My nasty head thoughts are back, cant get rid of the what ifs, cant watch the news, cant read the paper, things dont look real to me anymore.
Im supposedly starting my new job in London soon and as it stands, not even a million pounds will get me on train. Im scared to death im going to have to quit before ive started but if i cant hardly stand up in my house without thinking im going to pass out, what chance have I got getting there?
Ive been crying over anyone who asks me how im doing, im totally back to square one, thinking im going to be like this forever. I know I got over this before but it took me over a year to get where I was and now ive got about a week to get sorted before I start my new job. I dont know what else to say but I just needed to get it out and who better to moan to than you guys who understand.
Sorry
Sarah
xx
hi Sarah,
It certainly does sound like you are going through a rough time, you poor thing!! Has it all started just because you had a panic attack on holiday? I'm sure that no matter how bad you feel, no matter how much you think that you are back at square one having undone a year of good work - this is not the case. We all feel like that at times when we feel like we can't cope but we somehow manage to get out of bed and pick up more or less from where we left off. If you did it once before then there is no reason why you can't do it again.
Let us know how you are getting on, ok?
Sarah :D
Hi Sarah,
Sorry to hear that things aren't going too well at the moment with you.
What do you think has triggered the panic/anxiety again? Is it the new job you are starting soon?
I've been in your position so many times. Thinking things are on the up. then sliding back down and feeling that I'm back at square 1.
BUT the one thing that is different for you now is that you can recognise the slide and hopefully get a lid on it all earlier rather than later.
The first thing is to remember that you have had all these feelings before, and nothing bad happened.
You didn't faint or die. It's your mind playing tricks on you again.
I think you know that hiding in bed is the very worst thing to do and that you have to MAKE yourself go out everyday.
Set your alarm for a reasonable time and make sure that you at least get up and have a shower within say the first hour.
Then, start with setting yourself a couple of little, achievable tasks to be carried out during the day.
Make one of these tasks a "getting outdoors" one.
I know how hard it is. Some days I could even now phone in sick to work cos I just don't want to leave home.
But, I never do as I know that once I'm at work I will have my mind taken off my problems and not have sat at home with too much time on my mind mulling things over.
I think you know, Sarah, that the only way to make things good again is to MAKE yourself do it.
Sounds harsh, but that is really the only way forward.
I should know, I've been where you are so many times.
It is hard, and yes you will feel like poo, but eventually, you know it will get easier and you will have overcome it all once again.
Keep us posted, Sarah. Hope things improve very soon.
Luv Kate xxx
Hi
Thanks you guys. I know you are right and I know what I have to do I think I just needed to share it with people who understand (not getting a lot of help at home if you know what I mean.)
I think it did start because of the one I had on holiday, maybe because of that one,my body has suddenly remembered how to panic and is just giving me a nasty reminder that its not all done and dusted?
Yes you are right also, its not back to square one no matter how harsh it feels because if I really think about it, although I feel like poo and am frightened, the edge has been taken off by the knowledge I have from previous experience.
I have just managed to crawl round sainsbury's with hubby, hanging on to the basket in case the floor decided to move so thats a start.
Im going to take your advice kate about getting up and showering and doing some 'outdoors' things. Just got to start eating 1st or I definately will pass out
thanks
sarah
xx
Hi Sarah,
Of COURSE you had to share with us, only us panickers can understand the mad feelings and yucky thoughts :D
Just take one step at a time and remember we are always here to offer our support.
Luv Kate xx
hi Sarah,
I'm glad that you managed to get to Sainsburys. That's definetly a positive forward step!! Keep up the good work and you will be back to 'normal' in no time!!
Sarah :D
Hi Sarah
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad at the moment. We all slip back sometimes but it is never back to square one. It doesn't undo everything you have learnt so far.
Well done on getting out and going round Sainsburys. That was a positive step forward.
We are all here for you.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Dear Sarah,
Having a sudden panic will knock you into a blip .
Its so terrifying that neither your or your body want to believe that it is just a false alarm.
Looking back to your holiday you can understand why you got overwhelmed and ended up reacting as you did .
That was that incident and it has now passed .
However, you are keeping it alive within you by now applying all those irrational - keep me scared - thoughts to every situation even though you full well know that you have overcome them all.
You are using self limiting dialogue to maintain it.
You are managing to do fine when you can block them by getting out and to work so you can do it .
You need to maintain the persistance on a daily basis though.
Email me if you'd like a real chat ?
Love
Meg
Hi Sarah,
I had a shiver run down my spine when I read your post. You described exactly how I've been feeling for the past few months now. I tried to explain to everyone how I felt in my first post, but its hard to find the words to describe how utterly dreadful you feel isn't it? I too have felt so ill I haven't had a cigarette for 23 days(and counting!), which for me is practically mission impossible. Longest I quit in the past was 2 hours! The most frustrating part for me is feeling alone and no-one understanding how I feel, meaning my nearest and dearest. My partner is a great bloke, but he seems to think I can just 'stop being silly' and get on with things. He's booked us a weekend away in a few weeks time, said I need a break. I am absolutely terrified of leaving the sanctity of my home for an hour, let alone a long weekend. I tried to tell him that it'll probably make me worse, but he doesn't understand. 'it'll do me good', he said. He means well. So I completely understand what you're going through. It's horrid. Even though people can give you advice Sarah, the only person you'll really listen to is yourself. And from what you've wrote, you've got through it before. So you can do it again. I suppose these things take time, which I know is a worry for you because of your new job. But your health is more important than a job. Let me know how you get on. I hope you start to feel better soon.
Shelley.
nomorepanic
14-11-04, 19:59
Hi Sarah
Big hug to you mate :)
Sorry you are feeling so low and I know how horrid it is cos I had that "blip" (meg has condition me into calling them that now and not a setback) last year and I thought I was going back to square one.
I didn't and I don't think I will cos I know so much now and I know that I can work at it.
I truly believe that you can beat this again but I appreciate that it is going to take some time.
Can you postpone the start date for work and explain that things have gone a bit loopy at the moment?
Why don't you start at the beginning again. Look at Meg's First Steps post and read it several times over. Read back over some of your old posts on here and remind yourself of how well you have done.
Get some relaxation tapes out again and listen to them.
You must start eating again - just small amounts at first and something with lots of vitamins etc in. Maybe a fruit salad or something simple.
We are all here for you and I will call you on the phone if you want to try and pick you back up again.
You are a strong person and I know that you are a fighter and this will NOT beat you again ok?
If you fancy a chat then get me on MSN ok or text me.
We can get you back on track can't we [Yeah!]
xxx
Nicola
Hi Sarah, so sorry you have fallen back when you was doing so good. I have felt the same recently realy like if its started from the beginning all over again and its horrible. I am lucky in the support way as my wife fully understands and supports anything i decide to do, my kids also take me anywhere i want to go or even go for me. realy hope u feel better soon sarah Vernon
sarah
i to have had the month from hell i wont bore you with the details but i want to send you a huge HUG and say im here if you want to talk to me
love and hugs david
Sarah,
I know that sometimes it seems that the light at the end of the tunnel is acutally an oncoming train, but hang in there... You've done it before, you can do it again.
PLEASE eat something - I lost 30 pounds in 32 days when I had my massive attacks last winter. I looked great, but felt terrible! Really, it is EXTREMELY important not to get like I was. I became afraid to eat, which was not cool, because the lack of vitamins and all the other good but unspellable stuff knocked my metabolism out of whack, and then i was REALLY a mess...
I realize advice such as this may not help much, because it seems that, when we are having a rough time, no one can understand what we're going thru - but, as you know, we've all been there and understand that feeling. I can tell that you have a lot of frinds on this site who love and respect you, so take advantage of it! As you've said to so many of us, we're a great bunch of folks who REALLY care.
Take care, and you're in my thoughts.
Rick.
PS to Davebrum - David, keep on fighting. I know your'e doing a lot better than you realize. You're a good guy. Don;t forget it.
Rick
It is better to be a free bird than a captive king...
Hi Sarah
So sorry to hear you are feeling so bad, but hold on to the memory that you overcame it before and you will again. Its a case of time and none of us know when it will come back.
Can totally understand how you are feeling, first time i have heard someone say they didnt want to see the news or read newspapers as it was more bad new. I was like that and was so scared to listen to it in case i did what people on the news had done.
Just remember hon its temporary and we all have blips that seem like we are back at square one.
Talking to someone at work the other day and she put it into persective. Basically said she would never get as bad or go back to how she was as she would recognise it before she let it happen and i am sure we are all like that.
You take care.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sarah,
So sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. Just remember it is just a blip. I know exactly how you feel hun. It always seems to happen when you are just starting to get it under control as well hey!
Also you new job is adding to the pressure I expect and making you panic more.
I know sometimes with me I can't understand why Im panicking but if I stop and think of the thoughts that are in my head ie worry worry worry. No wonder I get anxious. Alot of the time you could be sub consiously worrying to.
Try to stay strong and focus on the times when you felt better and good and tell yourself you WILL and CAN feel like that again and it will pass. As i know the more i feed and dwell on my panic the worse I become! Try your hardest to stay positive and keep telling yourself you will come through this! If you tell youself enough you will believe it!
I know it's so difficult and you think its impossible at the mo.
I appreciate also how hard it is to be positive. I'm still trying to grasp it myself you know the one 10 steps forwards and 50 back. LOL
I hope you do feel better soon. Take it easy hey! Small steps! Keep practising.
Take good care
Love PIP'S XX XX XX
Hi Sarah,
I am soooo sorry to hear what you are going through.
I know that is not easy to find those positive thoughts
when we feel like this.
You can do this Sarah you have done it before and you
can do it again.
Sending you a big HUG with lots of love
JILLXXX
Hi guys
Wow you sure know how to make a girl cry dont you?..lol
Exactly what I needed, a few good words and a bit of straight talking. I still feel naff but you did me the world of good.
Kate - yup, you guys are the only ones who do understand, thats why i dont feel embarrassed about pouring it all out to you. I think you lot know more about me than anyone else on the planet. I took your advice and did my 'outdoors task' today and had a bath as soon as I got up.
Sarah - a definate step foreward yes, feeling bad doing it but good for doing it afterwards is a good feeling, boosted my confidence a bit I can tell you...by the way what is 'normal'?...lol
karen - thanks for your words, its nice to know that you are here even though you feel bad yourself.
Meg - thanks for the straight talking as ever! totally right, i know it myself, been there done that and got the t-shirt and mug to prove it..lol. Its just hard when the panics are coming as soon as I wake up even before I have thought of anything or while im relaxing watching tv, thought I was way over that a year ago.
Cookie - It is horrible isnt it? But at least a good thing is the not smoking, thats got to be a positive eh? Just a little thing though, dont be afraid to try and go on holiday. I was fine for the 1st 4 days, even the flight there was fine. Its just because I was ill in a strange country that I had the panic that set me off. Where are you going for your weekend away?
Nic - Im hoping you guys CAN help me back on track...lol. Thanks for the advice, im going to do as you suggest for sure. Not sure about the postponing the work start date as I dont even know it yet. Boss is back from new zealand today and will be calling this week. I think thats part of my problem..the uncertainty.
Vern - Thanks hon, sorry you feel bad too, we can do this though, beat this pain in the neck together!!!
David - Thanks for the hug mate, its definately what I need at the moment. Youve had the month from hell eh? well im sending you a big squidgey HUG right back.
Rick - I remember your story well when you werent eating, it was exactly how I was in the beginning. You will be pleased to know that my husband practically force fed me a roast dinner last night. It tasted great but didnt half make me feel ill - i think my stomach has shrunk and couldnt take the volume..lol
Sal - It helps putting things in perspective and that makes total sense. It will be easier to dig myself out of this time because I have experience in dealing with it - well heres hoping anyway..lol
Pips - Ive done the 'small steps keep practicing' today. I went to the post office and managed a queue. Wow didnt ever think that would be such a trauma for me again but it was but I did it. Shakey, felt sick but talked myself out of it quicker because ive been there before.
Jill - Thankyou for your kind words, means a lot!!
thamls guys, will keep you posted
love Sarah
xx
we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution :)
Hi Sarah
Well done for getting out today, and doing the post office queue as well. I'm sure you'll soon be coping as you were before.
You know you can count on our support.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
**but talked myself out of it quicker because ive been there before**
Hey Sarah - Thats more like it !!
*while im relaxing watching tv* But stuff is still whizzing round inside your head.
Which room can you decorate now ??
Have you considered going for a top up at your hypno ?
You are going to be just fine. I promise.
When you get your CD set - go straight to chapter 7 please .
take good care Sarah
Love
Meg
Hi Sarah,
Sorry to read about your "blip".
were you worrying about the new job while you were on hols? Maybe that was a trigger?
What is the job you will be doing?
Know exactly how are feeling and I really hope you start to inprove soon..
Take care,
Sue
Sue
Well done Sarah for doing the post office and queue. You did well keep up the good work!
Hope you feel better soon.
Love Pip's XXXX
You sound better already!!!
Bravo on the Roast Beef!!! (My first big meal after my breakthrough was a ham and cheese sandwich - it was soooo good. A T-bone steak couldn't have tasted any better!!!)
Keep up the good work. I know you'll be back to normal (whatever that is for us:D!) very soon!
I'll be thinking about you.
Love, Rick
It is better to be a free bird than a captive king...
Hi Sarah,
Everyone else in the gang seems to have come up with all the helpful stuff for you but just wanted to add my support and say "hang in there".
Must be something about the time of year as we all seem to be going through a "blip" one way or another but at least we know we're here to help each other.
Before these last few months, I would never have appreciated how just a few kind words of support from people make all the difference.
I agree with the others about too much time, I work 9am-5pm (and sometimes longer) 5 days a week and there have been times when it's been a strain and I've sat behind my PC with tears in my eyes just feeling so terrible. I always knew that I could go to the docs and he would sign me off but deep down knew that I needed to keep myself distracted as otherwise it would be worse.
Hard as it is sometimes, I know I can get through it with the support of others and by keeping myself occupied.
Well done and Take Care
xxx
Hi guys
You have all inspired me so thankyou!!!!!!
I outdid my expectations today by a mile. It was Steves day off so I got him to escort me through the journey im going to have to take to London when I start my new job.
I did loads of research on the london transport and found that I can get to my new job without getting on a tube so...
Train from Worcester Park to Waterloo
Bus from waterloo to Harley Street
Had a few wobbles but was not too bad:)
Only thing is, Steve wanted to see his cousin in a phone shop in Hammersmith so had to get on a couple of tubes to get there, then phone he wanted was in Barnes so had to get a bus there, then bought phone, bus back to hammersmith, 2 tubes to wimbledon and then train tback to Worcester Park.
Im shattered, shakey and want to go straight to bed but if I got through that mission and a half I think I can make it on my own (going to try tomorrow...aarrgghh). Why the heck did I take this job?...LOL
Sue - The job is going to be helping set up a pharmacy manufacturing department in a new Cancer clinic in Harley Street. (by the way if anyone knows about this please dont come there when it opens and laugh at me...lol)
Meg - yes I am going for a top up at the hypnotherapist, just got to get steve to donate me the money for it first..lol
Mel - thanks hon, you are right about having too much time, its definately my downfall. Its easy to think that you can go to the doc and get signed off but it would be so much harder to go back wouldnt it?
take care all
love Sarah
xx
we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution :)
Wow, Sarah, that is FANTASTIC!!! [^]:D[8D]
You did SO well.
Let us know how it goes tomorrow.
Lots of luv Kate xx
Ta mate
It was hard and no way did I want to do it but theres no point giving up the job before Ive given it a shot eh?
love Sarah
xx
Well done Sarah! You did so well today.
Good on you for trying on your own tomorrow. I'm sure you can do it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
[Wow!] Sarah you have done soooooo well,
You have shown other sufferers courage and
strength and no matter how bad thing get and
how down they feel, that the only way is up.
A big WELL DONE
LOVE AND A BIG HUG JILLXXXX
Do it trembling if you must, but do it.
Way to go Sarah !! Will be thinking of you. Phone is on ...
Mell - You're totally right . Good on you .
Meg
You cannot conquer fear until you have learned what it is you're afraid of. The enemy is ignorance. Vivian Vance
nomorepanic
17-11-04, 22:20
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> Why the heck did I take this job?...LOL
<div align="right">Originally posted by sarah - 17 November 2004 : 19:52:31</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Because you love the job, you can do it, you are good at it, you have faith in yourself and you know you will succeed.
Need I say more.
:)
xxx
Nicola
Hiya Sarah
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, I guess you're feeling really frustrated that after all your hard work this has happened. On the plus side, now is the time to put into practice everything that you've learned and soon enough you'll realise that no matter how bad it feels, its not back to square one because this time you've got all the resources you need within yourself to deal with whats happening. I have to agree with the others that you've got to be tough on yourself, make yourself keep going and get out and about as much as you can. You can't give in to this, especially as this time you KNOW its not going to hurt you.
Thinking of you hun, keep us posted. You soon look back on this a positive experience to learn from :D
Love Jo xxx
"courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"
hi Sarah,
Congratulations on making the journey. I hope you found it Ok when you did it alone.
It sounds like a great job and yes I agree you cant really give up before you have tried it.
Congratulations and good luck.
Sue
Sue
Hi Guys
I didnt do the journey today, in fact i didnt leave the house..tut tut
I blame it on the weather
no seriously, i just couldnt face it, have been jumpy all day but i think its because of all i managed yesterday.
I have kept myself busy though and am going to try and get out tomorrow
love Sarah
xx
Hi all
Its me again
I dont really know why im posting this. Maybe to let it all out and get some positive vibes.
Im a bit more up than I was when I first started this post but not in any way as good as I have been previously.
Im still not eating properly (although I am eating some) but I have developed the thinking that if I dont eat before I go out then theres nothing to bring up if I feel sick. (sorry!). I have lost a stone in weight (for those of you who have met me, its not like I cant afford to lose it..lol).
I think that the uncertainty of this flippin job that is setting me off.
Im still doing the odd day at the hospital which is good (i definately need the money) but im not coping with it well. I feel panicky starting from the night before I know I have to work - i.e now as im working tomorrow.
Then friday I have a big meeting in london with all the big wigs about the new job. I know I can do the journey (just about) but having to face an all day meeting at the end of it is sending me loopy. Ive got to meet my new boss at waterloo station then we are travelling to the venue together (I cant do journeys with other people - I like to panic in private - I cant concentrate on conversations when I feel panicky). Ive just had the itinerary through for the meeting and we have to stand up and tell everyone who we are, what our previous experience is, what we want to gain out of working there and what are our expectations.
I dont know what to do. I cant make excuses and not go because that would be cheating but I cant make up my mind whether to take a diazepam to calm me down or just rely on my water and rescue remedy. Im in a complete tizz and also ive got a wedding to go to on saturday.
Why on earth does everything come at once? I could just about cope with one big event a week but 3 in 3 days is too much for my brain to cope with. I feel like im on a slippery slope to nervous breakdown again and I dont ever want to feel like that again but small signs are there like they were just before I started this panic lark.
I know exactly what to do, ive given advice on here for months and months but I still cant give the same advice to myself. Ive got my 'panic kit' all ready in my bag, i know my breathing techniques, I just cant seem to focus on the positives - How fantastic will I feel when I make it home at the end of the day and know that I have done it??????? etc
thanks for listening, I feel better now ive let you all know how I feel as you guys are the only ones who understand.
love Sarah
xx
nomorepanic
08-12-04, 20:34
Hiya mate
Sorry to hear you are so down at the moment.:(
I don't want to turn this into a post about me cos it is your post but I do know exactly how you feel at the moment, so I need to tell you that to be able to share it.
I too am having a bad few weeks and started panicking again in traffic etc and I feel dizzy and cr*p all day. I had a bad drive home today cos I am feeling rubbish so then of course I associate it with panic and hence the downward spiral.
I am very worried about going to Wales next week and doing the bridge. Why am I doing the bridge and not avoiding it ? Well you know the answer to that already.
You say "I dont know what to do. I cant make excuses and not go because that would be cheating".
That is exactly how I feel, I have to do this to prove I can but it has given me added stress for weeks now.
I also don't want to sit with people for 2 days cos I want to be left alone etc. It will be a stressful 2 days and I have had enough of that at work at the moment.
Anyway, sorry to go on. What I am trying to say is that like you I am not finding it easy to cope and I can't seem to get a grip on it again.
We all know what to do and what to tell ourselves and all the breathing etc but you are not alone in finding it hard to put into practice.
I too have some Diazpepam and talked to Meg about maybe taking one to get through the drive to Wales but I am scared to even take that now!
I think you should take one to calm you cos if you feel like me then you will need something to help.
We can support each other through this mate cos I am not sure how to get back on track either so I am trying like you to make sense of it all again.
I am just hoping that with Xmas off work and a week away from stress I will feel better.
I think you too are worried about work and it is playing on your mind cos it is a new challenge for you.
Basically what I want to say is "stick at it mate", I am here with you and we can do it - we know we can:)
I am here if you want a chat on the phone.
xxx
Nicola
Both these issues - new job and bridges are outside your day to day comfort zone and thus are anxiety provoking.
We are now sensitized to panic and each little body symptom when we're feeling stressed feels much worse as it is magnified by our bodys overeraction and our own selfawareness
Both of you - my phone is always on.
Good to chat to you earlier today Sarah .
From your voice I know that you know that you can do this - and fairly comfortably too.
Take the relaxation CD with you and stick on one of the breathing tracks - so you can pace yourself with it and watch out for hyperventilation setting in thus limiting your symptoms
Love
Meg
nomorepanic
08-12-04, 22:41
Thanks Meg
I will be calling u next week no doubt to get over the bridge.
I am wondering why I have to do it to be honest cos it stresses me so much. What am I trying to prove?
Oh well we shall see.
Hope you are ok Sarah.
Nicola
Hiya Nic
What a pair we are eh? I had no idea you were feeling bad too. Just shows you how I havent been able to give a monkeys about anyone except myself so I appologise for that hon.
I dont want to sit with anyone else for the day either - let alone 2!!! I too want to be left alone but also being left alone is sending me round the twist obviously.
Its crazy isnt it how 'normal' people who dont want to or dont feel like doing things can decide not to without a second thought but us lot have to make ourselves do things regardless because we have 'failed' if we dont or are making excuses. I often find myself analysing why I dont want to do things...is it because I feel panicky about it or am I just too tired or cant be bothered?
Im so scared im going to make a muppet of myself in front of anyone there as they are all chief execs and the like so im also nervous that they are going to see me act like a nutter and change their mind about giving me the job. (I havent got a contract yet - should be sorted before xmas) so theyve got an opportunity to pull out.
On top of that, ive just been given some more dates for the bank work I do in the hospital. Great!!! I need the money what with it being xmas and all. Means ive only got 5 days free to send myself nuts before xmas so thats a bonus I guess. But im still terrified of going there even tho ive been going there on and off since July!
Also the front of my house is falling down from the bad work I had done to my windows. Ive been waiting and hassleing for nearly 2 years and they were due to rebuild in 2 weeks and now the company have gone into liquidation so im stuffed. God knows whats going to happen now.
Meg rang me this afternoon (THANKYOU MEG!!!!!), and talked some sense into me. I felt better having gone over the things that I need to be focusing on with someone who understands!
You are right Nic, we can get through this. You can phone me anytime you need to aswell you know?
take care
love Sarah
xx
Hi Meg
Yes im surprised my voice was as steady as it was. My first thought reaction was to cry as someone was trying to help me. lol
Im definately taking the relaxation CD with me. Ive got my personal CD player in my 'panic kit' also known as my oversize handbag.
Thanks again Meg
love Sarah
xx
Fanny Adams
09-12-04, 14:01
Hi guys,
Sorry to hear you've been up and down - tho I'm relieved as well as I feel I've found others who know what I'm on about.
I completely understand what you're going through. My panic attacks always happen at night - and as I'm having a terrible time at the moment, I'm petrified of going to bed. I too am eating then not eating then not. I'm just getting tired I think. I see a CBT every Thursday but it's still new and I just see the light at the end of the tunnel.
My problem is tomorrow and the future. My mind is always full of what ifs. I think I'm not good enough for my partner, that I don't love him. I've pushed him so far away but he still hasn't left (thank god). The CBT says my problem is rooted in rejection and not feeling good enough. My mother time upon time told me I was a devil child, that I was selfish - until I was 17 - she got on a plane and went to Australia and didn't even tell me (I had been staying with my partner as she had thrown me out) It was months before I (I repeat) I contacted her. So this time of year is bad. I miss them. I put a lot of love into people who reject me, and I cannot cope now that my partner wants us to get married and have children (I'm now 21 - and always thought of being married by now myself)
My panic attacks have been with me since I was a young child. My mother used to shout at me, as she didn't understand, but they were a lot worse 3 years ago and the passed year I've had the residual feelings all day everyday. I worry about not looking good, who's going to be outside, what am I going to deal with today etc. My mind is never quiet not even when I try to apply techniques.
So, in a nutshell - sorry for the huge post - I'm glad I've found you peeps on here - sorry to monopolise this space - but I really understand what you're going through we all have different triggers I know, but the feelings are still the same.
Thanks :)
Everything is Sweet FA!
Hi there
I have the same fears about rejection and not feeling good enough. I'm really sorry to hear about the situation with your mum. I've had similar experiences with my parents criticising and putting me down as far back as I can remember. I am trying to come to terms with my mum's continual rejection of me, but I still go back for more, hoping that this time it will be different. My dad is very controlling and I find it difficult to break free from his control, even though I'm now 35 and have my own place.
It must have been really awful for you to discover your mum had moved to Australia without telling you. I felt bad enough when my mum moved house a couple of months ago without telling me, and that was within the same town.
I can understand this being a bad time of year. My brothers usually spend some time with my mum at Christmas, but I'm not invited. Even when I do see her she virtually ignores me. I know how difficult it is to come to terms with something like this.
I hope being here helps you to see that you are not alone.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
10-12-04, 17:55
Sarah
You say "I had no idea you were feeling bad too. Just shows you how I havent been able to give a monkeys about anyone except myself so I appologise for that hon."
Don't apologise atall mate. The only person that knew was Meg cos I keep moaning to her lol.
I am trying to deal with it again too so I know how you feel.
Sorry I didn't reply last night but I was at my Xmas party. I drove so didn't have a hangover today but I took the day off work anyway to chill out and do some driving again!
How did the meeting go as I assume it is over now. I really hope you did ok and survived it - let us know.
Take care
xxxx
Nicola
nomorepanic
10-12-04, 17:57
FA
Sorry to hear about your mum - that must have been really hard on you. Do you have any contact with her now?
You should talk some more to Karen as she really understands how hard it can be.
Don't worry about posting in here - that is what we want - everyone to add their advice/input etc.
Nicola
Hi all
Well here I am, home safe and sound!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I made it to waterloo on time to meet my boss and convinced Steve (who was extremely hung over due to a xmas do yesterday that lasted 9 hours!!!!) to chaperone me on the first leg of the journey (to waterloo station).
I met up with my boss and left steve to trundle back home and we made our way to the bus. ( I already told boss that I was not under any circumstances going to get on a tube...lol)
I managed the journey gabbling like an idiot and before I knew it we were in regent street (near where the meeting was). We got off the bus and trundled off to savile row, went in the building and up 4 flights of stairs (phew) to the meeting room. I sat there ALL DAY (and I only had 2 squirts of rescue remedy at 9am) and didnt even have so much as a flicker of panic, even managed to eat a sandwich!. I was nervous but I distinctly remember thinking to myself that it was the feeling I USED to have when I was nervous and nothing more sinister.
I met some great people and am now convinced that this is the right thing for me.
I made the return journey on my own and was fine, even managed to have a laugh and a chat with a guy who kept touching my knee (by accident..lol) who was a little errmm merry shall we say..lol
suffice it to say I am now sitting here beaming with joy and was smiling walking all the way up the road..lol
thankyou so much for your words of encouragement. Im sure I will be bricking it when the next meeting comes up but until then THANKYOU!!!!!!!
love Sarah
xx
all weve got to do now Nic is get you over that bridge!!!!
nomorepanic
10-12-04, 19:04
Sarah
I am smiling a big smile for you now mate.
So glad it worked out ok and you were chilled and calm (ish) :)[Yeah!]
Bet you are so pleased now and you did well on the bus etc.
Doesn't it make a difference when it comes together for a change eh?
Hold those thoughts and you will start to improve each day.
Well DONE you [Wow!]
xxx
P.S. I am going to sort that bridge out once and for all lol
Nicola
Sarah !! fantastic . I'm so thrilled to read this !!
A very well done to you
Nic - you will be fine too. Too much anticipatory anxiety
Meg
www.overcominganxiety.co.uk
You cannot conquer fear until you have learned what it is you're afraid of. The enemy is ignorance. Vivian Vance
Well done Sarah. That's fantastic news.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Sarah
Well done you have done really well. Shows we can all do it hey !!!!!!!
You are doing really well after your blip and i am sure you will carry on to do aswell.
Lots of love Sal xxxxx
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