View Full Version : Feeling quite down.
Spent most of today crying. I just don't know what to do. I need some advice.
Its relationship related. I feel so s**t. I have spent the last 3 days planting my garden all nice. (http://maybeican.blogspot.com (http://maybeican.blogspot.com)) I saved my money that i get from work to pay for all these flowers and what do i get today from my husband? I get "I don't give a s**t about the garden, i couldn't care less, i pretend to be interested when you talk about it." Right...i spent HOURS weeding, digging, mowing, planting in excess of 100 flowers, i dug in a rose bush, i put up a trellis and i even felted our shed roof (on a wonky ladder with the help of my 8 year old son) that i had been waiting for him to do for 6+ months. Okay, so it doesn't sound *much* but i put my heart and soul into do the garden, i do every year, its my sanctuary, but for him to totally dismiss what i did has really hurt.
I've been upstairs in my room (him downstairs) for the last 3 hours. 3 hours ago i got the usual "I don't care." "You get on my nerves." "I hate being here." "Shut up, you're boring me." When i told him NOT to talk to me like that in front of my son i got "I don't give a f**k." Last Sunday he called me a "F**king idiot" in front of my son and that really annoyed me!
I know what i SHOULD do.......but i am stupid enough to sit here and think that he *might* change, he *might* start respecting me.
He brought up my agoraphobia again today as he always does, saying i don't want to get well....blah...blah...blah. Hello, i am having a minor blip, i AM ALLOWED this! Yesterday he told me that i've let myself go. The only difference is now i don't dress like i am 6st something, i've put on weight and i just don't feel comfortable in short short clothes. When i was doing the garden all he was concerned about is that i don't get a suntan to make my scars on my face look worse!!!!!!!!! Nice one.
Just don't know what do to.
x
Oh Bluebell honey,
it doesn't sound as though he is treating you nice at all.
I think you have done a marvellous job in your garden.
Just don't know what do to.
Only you know what you can or can't do where the relationship is concerned hun but he should not speak to you like that, particularly in front of your son. That is giving your son a distorted idea of how women should be treated.
Hunny, I don't know if it is difficult for you or not, but can you stand up to him? being put down like that can't be good for your self esteem or your agraphobia for that matter.
Sending you hugs hun
(((((((((((((((((bluebell)))))))))))))))))
happyone
xx
Bless you.
He's not a man to reason with. He's never wrong. When he called me the F* idiot, it was of course...MY FAULT!
I had a dream last night i moved, turns out this is what moving means...
Moving
To dream that you are moving away, signifies your desire or need for change. It may also mean an end to a situation or relationship and your are moving on. Alternatively, it indicates your determination and issues regarding dependence/independence.
Interesting!
Quiet-Lift
26-05-07, 15:59
Hi Bluebell:)
Have read your thread. Not sure if I can offer you any advice because I don't have circumstances like yours. I could say that even uncongenial company is better than none but that would'nt be much help would it?:blush:
Your husband sounds as though he's very angry about something. Maybe you could try to discuss it and to work out what's bugging him and making him behave in such an insensitive and uncaring manner? If you can, try to avoid taking his comments too personally and don't allow yourself to get drawn into a 'blame and shame' scenario.
For now...maybe let things cool off? You have to remember that some people don't understand agoraphobia at all and tend to either deny or belittle the symtoms of the person who is or has experienced it. Maybe it's just his frustration talking.
What about trying to give your son some kind of an explanation? Tell him how you felt about Daddy being so nasty to you and ask him how it made him feel?
I hope this helps. I don't have a relationship but have been married in the past and know how difficult these matters can be.:shrug:
Well done with your Garden. Keep it up, no matter what your hubby says. He might not give a s**t about it, but that doesn't mean you don't have to as well eh?:flowers:
Best wishes
Allan59:hugs:
Maybe it is time hun for you to move on? Not necessarily away from your husband, but I think there has to be some serious changes if you are to have any sort of life at all.
Would he consider counselling if he thought your relationship was on it's last legs? it's possibly an option?
If not, you really need to think about whether you can spend your life with someone who treats you in such a way.
You are worth more than being verbally and emotionally abused, as that is what it is.
Take care hunny
happyone
xx
Hi Bluebell
Hi i agree with the others and hope you get things sorted by the way your garden looks lovely wish someone would do ours.
Take care
Anne xx
bluebell, how long has your hubby been treating you like this ?
Its a form of bullying and has to stop, you are worth so much more than this
and it seems he has his own problems too.
I feel you both need to see someone, please ask for help.
I looked at your garden hun, it is lovely!!!!
happyone
xxx
i agree with mirry, this man is a bully...
i was in a terrible relationship and i believe the fact that i decided to stay well after i should've left him is the reason my panic attacks started...
you have been saying for so long that you're not being treated well...
its up to you whether you stay or not but as happyone said - your son is getting a pretty distorted idea of what a realationship should be... i watched my mum being bullied as i grew up and it created so much anger within me... i think it could've been made a lot easier if she talked to me about it. instead i just watched it and she just ignored it - hoping one day it'd get better - it didnt - thankfully she finally realised the only actions she could change were the ones of her own, and not of his... i think what allan59 suggested is a great idea... your son, as young as he is, and as much as he knows you love him may be feeling confused and even guilt for not being able to protect you...
your husband seems to be angry, he doesnt seem to speak to you with words filled with love... has he always treated you this way??? or is it just recently??? it seems like hes a coward - he wont talk to you with any respect or love or any explaination of his bitterness towards you...
do you want your relationship to work??? thats what you need to ask yourself cos he's obviously not gonna take the first step in trying to sort things out... if you do wanna be with him then you need to stand up for yourself... dont take any of his shit... you dont need to... in the long run it'll just wear you down, your confidence will disappear and you might start to believe that you actually deserve to be treated in that way... dont let that happen to yourself or your boy... would he go for councilling???
sending ya big hugs
your son is getting a pretty distorted idea of what a realationship should be.
I know and not only that, he's getting a distorted view of how to treat women!
your husband seems to be angry, he doesnt seem to speak to you with words filled with love... has he always treated you this way??? or is it just recently??? it seems like hes a coward - he wont talk to you with any respect or love or any explaination of his bitterness towards you
No, he never speaks nice things to me. Its been pretty much since the first year of our relationship. We're now 5 years in. He says he's p*ssed off because i've ruined his life and that i'm a burden because of my agoraphobia and i moan and say stupid things! Just 15 minutes ago, he called me a F**king Tw*t. I lay in the bath sobbing. Things he says brings back all the memories of the years when i was bullied at school.
do you want your relationship to work???
Don't know anymore. I just want to be loved.
in the long run it'll just wear you down, your confidence will disappear and you might start to believe that you actually deserve to be treated in that way... dont let that happen to yourself or your boy... would he go for councilling???
I believe its too late to save any confidence i had left. I've always had low-esteem, but now, its on the floor. Being constantly told you look s**t, that you're disgusting and lazy, a bad mother, i'm an embarassment to be seen out with, you're unsexy, you're skin in s**t, how pathetic you are for not being able to go out......the list is endless... I do think i deserve this treatment, that is why i haven't got him to leave. I know his life has been crap since we've been together, i know things haven't gone right and he doesn't live the life he wanted to...and why?......because of me and my *issues*. He has a wife, who is fat, unattractive, agoraphobic, dresses like a pig....its no wonder he hates me.
Quiet-Lift
27-05-07, 03:58
Hi Bluebell:hugs:
I read the tail end of your last thread...hope this helps...
Nobody deserves the treatment you are getting. Being told such nasty and spiteful things about your appearance and habits is bound to make anybody feel bad about themselves.
It seems that the problem also resides with your husband who refuses to accept you as you are, warts and all, and is possibly trying to take out his frustration on you and in the process makes you feel worse in order to make himself feel better. It sounds perverse but sadly, it's an all too common human trait.
You're not responsible for his disappointments and the fact that he seems to hate you because you don't fit into his idea of the perfect woman is entirely his problem.
You have your own issues to deal with. Try to treat yourself kindly (it's not easy sometimes, I know) and don't be too hard on yourself. You know from the evidence of your own eyes when you look at other people in the street that we are all different and there is no such thing as perfection when it comes to behaviour, appearance and preferences.
Look after your garden when you feel fed up (wish I had one!):flowers:
All the best
Allan59 :)
I know and not only that, he's getting a distorted view of how to treat women!
No, he never speaks nice things to me. Its been pretty much since the first year of our relationship. i thinkl this should be enough to tell you he's not going to change... We're now 5 years in. He says he's p*ssed off because i've ruined his life and that i'm a burden because of my agoraphobia and i moan and say stupid things! im also agoraphobic but my fella doesnt tell me i'm a burden on him... your fella should support you not tell you you've ruined his life... everyone has choices in their life, even your fella, if he's not happy its not down to you, he is the one who is living his life - not you - as i said, i feel like he's a coward - he's not happy and instead of doing something about it he's blaming someone else - thats just low and pathetic Just 15 minutes ago, he called me a F**king Tw*t. I lay in the bath sobbing. Things he says brings back all the memories of the years when i was bullied at school. if you keep doing nothing about it - nothing is going to change - you DONT have to put up with this abuse - thats what it is... so many people are scared of leaving their partners cos ultimately its easier to put up with crap than to leave and face the unknown... but you deserve more
Don't know anymore. I just want to be loved. do you believe he can change??? cos you're not get love from him and the mo are you??? i mean, you're not even getting any respect...
I believe its too late to save any confidence i had left. NO ITS NOT... its never to late, you need to realise this, we all have choices, at the moment you're choosing to put up with this, you dont have to... I've always had low-esteem, but now, its on the floor. Being constantly told you look s**t, that you're disgusting and lazy, a bad mother, i'm an embarassment to be seen out with, you're unsexy, you're skin in s**t, how pathetic you are for not being able to go out......the list is endless... I do think i deserve this treatment, no one deserves this treatment... i think yopu know that, that is why i haven't got him to leave. I know his life has been crap since we've been together, i know things haven't gone right and he doesn't live the life he wanted to...and why?......because of me and my *issues*. NO.. its not, if he's unhappy with his life then he's the one who needs to change it, He has a wife, who is fat, so what??? unattractive, i've met people before and instantly thought they were gorgeous and after half an hour of talking to them all appeal had gonebecause they just wernt nice people, i know its a cliche but beauty comes from the inside, he's the one putting you down all the time, because of that you're left with no self confidence, are therefore probably dont seem to come across confident, and confidence is sexy, if you dont seem attractive to him its probably because he's crushed your confidence and sense of self down to nothing... agoraphobic, and??? maybe if he supported you a bit more you wouldnt be as agoraphobic... relationships are meant to be about love, respect, support, sharing and honesty... dresses like a pig... who cares if you dont look "perfect" (whatever that looks like) every day... its no wonder he hates me. i really hope there comes a day when you realise you're worth more than this... maybe if he wont go to councilling then you should consider going on your own, you are worth more..
im aware that ive been quite brutal in my response but ive seen so many relationships like this in my life and once the abused one has finally plucked up the courage to leave or do something about the situation they end up wishing they had years ago, its often not until they are out of the situation that they realise the extent of the damage that has actually been done to their confidence... is there anyone you can talk to??? do yiou talk to your mum about the way he treats you???
That is a fantastic, heart felt reply from Honeybee.
I can only echo the wise words she says.
I would like to tell you,
You ARE worthy.
You CAN raise your self esteem
You DON'T need to put up with this
You DO NOT deserve it
Believe in your self worth honey and that will give you strength. Tell yourself every day you are a good wonderful person who does not deserve this. Believe it.
Happyone
xx
Hi bluebell
Ive jsut read your thread and its brought back so many memories - I could have written what you wrote. Ive kept a diary of what my life was like and yes the comments you receive from your husband is VERY similar.
I can only add what others have said - YOU dont deserve this, You are so much stronger than this, You can make changes. I will be the first to say its not easy but look at what you are putting up with just now. At the end of next month it will be 2 years since I made the drastic decision to walk away from my destructive and abusive 16 yr marriage and god it was so difficult as I had been ill with anxiety and agoraphobia for years and relied on him for everything - but I did it - you will find an inner strength you didnt even know existed and no matter what you will SURVIVE.
I no longer have the security of being in a marriage or our own home and all the "nice" things but what i do have is peace of mind and my life back and I am now in a wonderful new relationship with a man who loves and respects me and supports me through my anxious moments.
Please hunni look within and find that strength and no matter what decision you make you will cope.
Luv Darkangel :flowers:
Southern_Belle
27-05-07, 18:03
Hi Bluebell,
Firstly a huge :hugs: to you. I normally say to save marriages but in this case I don't see anything to save. He is abusive and cruel to you and your son by being so heartless to you. No-one on earth should be spoken to that way. The reason you have no self esteem is due to him. Unless he agrees to go to marriage counseling (and I would suggest a separation while you do this) I don't see how you can work this marriage out.
You need to not only think of the damage this is doing to you but to your son. Sometimes we women will stay with men who abuse us mentally because we don't know anything better but we will get out for the love of our children. Do it for your son. You know it will take time to heal from the damage he has done. Having had low self esteem before you met him is probably what drew you to him in the first place.
I hope you get some counseling whether you stay with him or leave him so that this does not repeat itself with another man. You need some self healing. Good luck.
Laura :)
Honeybee..
No, not at all brutal, its nothing that i don't really believe myself. Its just...i don't know, can't put my finger on it. I do feel bad for my son, i grew up in a household with a step-father and he didn't accept my sister and i, therefore our "home" always had a negative atmosphere. It was horrid, although my step-father wasn't quite as repulsive to my mother as my husband is to me. If i look into my relationships further (psychologically wise), i think that maybe i CLING onto my husband because of the way i've been treated in the past by numerous people, IE. The bullying, my biological father leaving our family when i was four and NEVER having any interest in me, but is as close as ever with my sister, always the being the butt of peoples jokes about my appearance, my step-father being the biggest critical a*sehole and beating me at the age of 16 and i think worst of all my sister resenting me because A) i was born (5 years age difference, she's older) and B) Hating the fact that our mother spends time doing things with me becuase of my agoraphobia and finally NOT having any friends at the age of almost 32. I think that IT HAS TO BE ME WITH THE PROBLEM. All these people i have mentioned above cannot be wrong and that is why i kind of just put up with what my husband does, because he's just one of many.
Happyone...
I worked with my husband in 1997, but he left the company and i fell pregnant with my son. We met up again in 2002 through Friends Reunited. He was honestly the most gorgeous, happy, laid back man i'd ever known. I've sucked all that out of him. He's no longer happy, he's uptight, angry, resentful and its all my fault. I feel that this is karma......i've dragged him down, now its my turn.
Darkangel...
Thanks for your message, but as you can see, i do believe that i do deserve this crap from him, although, i doesn't mean i like it.
Southern-belle...
We've spoken about marriage guidence, but because of my agoraphobia and lack of money, it makes it very difficult to do.
x
I think that IT HAS TO BE ME WITH THE PROBLEM. All these people i have mentioned above cannot be wrong and that is why i kind of just put up with what my husband does, because he's just one of many.
at the age of 4 it was NOT your fault your dad walked out on you... your step father was the one with the issue... not you... it is NEVER the childs fault if an adult doesnt accept them- it the adults,
I worked with my husband in 1997, but he left the company and i fell pregnant with my son. We met up again in 2002 through Friends Reunited. He was honestly the most gorgeous, happy, laid back man i'd ever known. I've sucked all that out of him. He's no longer happy, he's uptight, angry, resentful and its all my fault. I feel that this is karma......i've dragged him down, now its my turn.
i fear that the only reason you say that is because he's drummed it into you that it is your fault... you saying thats its your fault that he's no longer happy, he's uptight, angry, resentful is like saying that its my fault that you're agoraphobic... sorry but its B*LLOCKS... as i said before - he has choices... he doesnt have to be unhappy, people often blame others when they're unhappy cos its easier than admitting that its them thats brought on their unhappiness... does he ever make an effort to make you happy??? does he ever encourage and support you in trying to get out of the house??? maybe if he put a bit of time into loving you and making you feel special you wouldn't be so scared of the world... i was in a crap relationship when all my anxiety started and looking back now i can see it was "the fact that I CHOSE" to stay in the relationship that brought on my anxiety... it wasn't his fault, he was who he was, he'd always been that man and he'll always will be but we can never blame others for how we're feeling... we always have choices...
Darkangel...
Thanks for your message, but as you can see, i do believe that i do deserve this crap from him, although, i doesn't mean i like it.
you said it babe.... his crap.... not yours - his
groovygranny
27-05-07, 22:00
Bluebell,
I have only just read your utterly devastating post, and can only reitterate what others have said.
The perfectly logical question of why you stay with this person has been asked. You have your reasons why you still remain.
I also ask this: if this person is as unhappy and discontented as he says then why does he stay? I can only assume that he takes some warped pleasure out of causing you such pain and distress with his constant assault on your personal dignity.
A relationship should be, above all, mutually rewarding and respectful of each other with both members being concerned with the well being of the other above their own. This is just not happening here. And you have said yourself that there is your son to consider. I don't wish to sound patronising or condescending and I have absolutely no doubt that you are a fine mother, but he shouldn't be witnessing this totally unacceptable behaviour by his father toward you. I know children can be very resilient, but it is sad that they have to witness the things they do in order to be resilient.
You have said that this man cannot be reasoned with and assumes an air of unwillingness to discuss or compromise over these issues.
I think the stage for compromise and hoping for a change of heart on his part is long gone. In my personal dealings I tend to stick to this:
"Live in peace for as far as it depends on you. You cannot be responsible for the unwillingness of someone else to live in peace with you."
You do not deserve this treatment AND YOU MUST NOT ACCEPT IT AS DESERVING, nobody does, and I hope that with the support of everybody here you will be able to come to a swift decision about the way ahead for you and your son.
Love and peace to you
:hugs::hugs::hugs:
:flowers:
does he ever make an effort to make you happy??? does he ever encourage and support you in trying to get out of the house??? maybe if he put a bit of time into loving you and making you feel special you wouldn't be so scared of the world...
No, he doesn't try and make me happy anymore - why? Because he says he doesn't care. Okay, i have to be honest now, i don't sit here in my house all dressed up with make-up and smart clothes, most of the time i am in sloppy trackies and over stretched polo shirts. He no longer makes any effort with me because i don't. Why don't i? Because i don't really feel making an effort with a man who takes pleasure in telling me how disgusting i look. If he thinks it, i don't want to let him down!!!!!!!!
Over the last couple of months my agoraphobia is slowly getting worse. I USE to be able to go out with my husband, but now, i no longer feel......comfortable with him, i don't feel like he's a "safe" person for me. His behaviour to me is the reason for this. If i dared say this to him, he wouldn't accept it for a second. He'd say that i am just lazy and that i don't want to go out with him.
Groovygranny...
Many thanks for your message.
You ask why he stays here...and this is quoting him..."I have no where else to go, i'm just biding my time."
I am a blo*dy good mother, that is the one thing in my life i have got RIGHT! My son is kind, considerate, respectful and has manners. Its only a matter of time until my husbands traits start wearing off on him (its his step-father).
His IS completely unwilling because he see's all the problems start from me. Nothing in our relationship is his fault. If i hadn't said this, or if i hadn't done that - he wouldn't treat me this way.
groovygranny
27-05-07, 23:24
[/quote]
His IS completely unwilling because he see's all the problems start from me. Nothing in our relationship is his fault. If i hadn't said this, or if i hadn't done that - he wouldn't treat me this way.
You know this is a lie Bluebell?
He treats you like this because he chooses to. Your son is a credit to you. Maybe his stepfather sees this and is jealous of that fact? But even if he is, that is no excuse for his disgraceful behaviour.
I'm the type of person who will always try and find some redeeming features in another, but I'm finding it impossible here. This man is a toal miscreant and takes pleasure in weilding this warped power over you and your son.
It disturbs me that you don't feel he's a 'safe' person for you, but not surprising. I sincerely hope this unacceptable behaviour doesn't go one step further beyond the psychological.
I think maybe you should consult the CAB or maybe even the Samaritans for advice over the options open to you given your agrophobia etc. You really can't go on as you are love.
Thinking of you
:hugs:
PS: JUST SEEN YOUR GARDEN!! HOW TALENTED YOU ARE - WHAT I WOULD GIVE TO HAVE A GARDEN LIKE THAT. THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH YOU CAN DO WITH A BACK YARD AND PLANT POTS LOL !! WELL DONE, IT'S SO LOVELY!
:hugs:
Hi Bluebell
Sending you lots of hugs:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
I think you are brilliant and have done a fantastic job on your garden. It looks great!!
Liz xx
Hi there,
I am sorry to have missed this thread before, but I understand the turmoil you are going through, my ex husband was verbally abusive as well as physically. Looking back the verbal abusive is the worst, it leaves you with such a lack of self esteem, it completely destroys your self worth.
I had nothing left, I really believed I was worthless I had been told it enough times. The end came when my son was 6 months old and my ex hit me while I was holding him, I was standing at the top of the stairs at the time, I nearly fell down them and they were walled on both sides. I kept thinking that I might have survived the fall but he wouldn't have. I saw the solicitor the next day.
I only realised afterwards the detremental effect my relationship had on my children. My daughter was painfully shy and introverted which I only realised after he was gone and she started to come out of herself. If there was ever circumstances that made me reconsider my decision to seperate, I would look at my daughter and realise I had made the right decision.
Two yrs later I met my current partner and my children have grown in the belief that he loves them, even though he is not biologicaly linked to them. His family have always excepted them as one of their own, they have been better than my ex husbands family.
The strength I gained from leaving an unsalvagable relationship and the knowledge gained through a healthy relationship makes the difference between the well adjusted understanding children that I now have and what could have been.
I am not saying that I have had a perfect relationship with my partner, I am well aware of his faults and mine. Trust being such a huge issue for me. I have none.
I will say that he has always tried to support me and tried to be understanding of the issues I am trying to deal with. Sometimes it has taken a letter to explain fully to him my thoughts. I do believe that unless they know what is going on with you can't condemn them.
I will say that he has never insulted, critised me or condemned me in the fifteen years we have been together. We did seperate for about two and a half weeks about three years ago, which he accepts was his breech of trust and he still blames himself for that. Although that is due to other circumstances, he did not do anything too bad. Not enough that ayonee4lse would have thrown him out. yet he understood and was sorry.
There are good men out there, he has stood beside me since he has known about my PTSD, my anxiety, my panic attacks, since my OCD and my inability to leave the house on my own. Since knowing all of this he has only ever loved me and supported me in any way he can.
I just want to let you know that there are men out there who do not treat women like c**p and do not blame women for their own failures and insecurities. You need to stop taking responsibility for your husbands insecurities. You are a strong woman and you can cope without him if need be.
Your son is a credit to you at the moment but you know while he is subjected to your partners views it is going to have a negative effect. I thank God that I met my present partner when my son was two he was the main male influence in my sons life. My son would not tolerate disrespect to females.
I wish you strength in whatever path you choose but remember you are not limited and do not accept the unacceptable as there is lifelong consequences not just for yourself. Your life is not set and you deserve better treatment than you are recieving. You just need the confidence to know that. Once known you wll recieve it from whatever avenue.
Hugs to you
lynnann
Hi Bluebell, sorry to hear things aren't what they should be.
Don't let him get to you, he is the one with the problem.
Keep going with the gardening, sounds like you get lots of enjoyment from it.
The last two days we have have had constant rain, just like winter here in Essex.
If you'd like to chat, PM me
Dave:flowers:
Well I have to say your garden is stunning and you husband is the idiot, all that hard work and for him to turn around and say all those nasty things about you is in my book so totally disrespectful.
Well we could all say for you to dump the lump but easer said than done, but one thing I will say is that you deserve far better than him.
And it’s no wonder your anxiety is sky high with someone so negative around you pulling you down rather than giving you encouragement and pushing you in a positive direction. And i have to say he sounds like the F**K**G T*A*.
Love Sam x
BIG HUGS FOR YOU :hugs:
PS Are you free to pop over and do my garden LOL:flowers:
Hi hunny,
all the wise words of all the people here, I feel unable to add to.
People don't always think they are being abused if they are not being physically struck. You are experiencing emotional, verbal abuse honey. No-one, I have to repeat this NO-ONE, deserves that.
Your husband may not be happy for any number of reasons but that does not allow him to treat you as he does.
He may be frustrated, he may be angry but his behaviour to you is having a terrible effect on you. It will also have a terrible effect on your son. Your son could be affected in many different ways.
He may think that is the way to treat women, he may get angry and take it out on others, he may get angry at you for accepting it, he may become withdrawn and afraid....the list is endless as to how children can be affected being brought up in an abusive home.
Do you have somewhere to go if you were to leave?
You ARE a worthy person. believe it.
Take care hun
happyone
xx
Hi Bluebell, hope your garden isn't as wet as mine this Bank Holiday:blush:
108
michellemumof4
28-05-07, 12:09
WHOA - firstly well done to you for your garden like you I spend hours in mine, but I do mine for me if my hubbie likes it then all the better but if not then SO WHAT I did it for me and maybe that is how you need to look at the situation, clearly your hubbie is angry at something he needs to look inside himself for that, sometimes we have to take care of ourselves and those who really need and appreciate us ie- your son, I am sure there are things that have changed with you that is normal we all change, accept you and your son are what matter that and of course your lovely garden. keep smilin
[quote=bluebell;223536]
Okay, i have to be honest now, i don't sit here in my house all dressed up with make-up and smart clothes, most of the time i am in sloppy trackies and over stretched polo shirts. [quote]
babe... who does??? im sat here typing this iin a towel then i'll go upstairs and change into my baggy trousers and a boring t-shirt top.... so what???
[quote=bluebell;223536]Over the last couple of months my agoraphobia is slowly getting worse. I USE to be able to go out with my husband, but now, i no longer feel......comfortable with him, i don't feel like he's a "safe" person for me. [quote]
hey hun... this is exactly how i ended up feeling.. when me and ex wer going through all the crap we decided to go on holiday and "put it all behind us and start a fresh"... only thing was. was that i no longer felt safe with this guy, i was scared of him, he also never hit me... i feel the reason he never did though was because people could see bruises - they cant see emotional abuse... but there i was abroad with this man i didnt feel safe with and BANG!!! PANIC!!! i needed to get home and fast... im not saying getting out of the realationship freed me from the panic, the damage had already been done but it gave me peace of mind, i could finally be me and move on with my life
[quote]He treats you like this because he chooses to. [quote]
i completely agree. as i said we all have choices
ops.. my quoting didnt work.... dunno why... sorry
Hi Bluebell,
Like everyone else, I'm incensed by the fact you're carrying the guilt for your husband's behaviour and that you feel this is all your fault and you somehow deserve to be treated this way.
You say that your husband doesn't like being there but has said he's got 'nowhere else to go and is just biding his time'..........it strikes me that maybe he has deep seated insecurities/issues of his own (that he's in denial of) and is actually feeding off your anxieties to make himself feel more powerful and in control. If this is the case, he won't be in any rush to give up HIS crutch.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but having read this thread and looking at the work & love you've put into your garden - you (and your son) deserve so much more.
:hugs:
Best Wishes
Magz
XXXX
My husband has just come in from work and we had "the chat".
We decided to split up. He said he can't tolerate me any more and that is why he says the mean things....cause he's p*ssed off and angry!! He then let me know that even when we got engaged he didn't love me and that he's spent 5 years being the most miserable of his life.
Ho hum!!
I thank you all for your kind words :)
....
x
how are you feeling hun... i know this is gonna be a challenging time for you but i truely believe this can be the beggining of a new you... sending you so many hugs... if you ever need a chat im always here...
groovygranny
29-05-07, 00:34
Oh Bluebell,
The possibility of breaking up is the small print we sometimes overlook or never tend to read when signing the declaration of a relationship.
One hopes that it will never come to that. But life is not like that. This is one of those occasions.
At least now you have a point from which you can move on to a renewed life.
I do not sense a spirit of 'celebration' in the loose sense of the word - more one of sensible resignation and relief from pain for you.
love to you
:hugs::hugs:
:hugs: Bluebell
Happyone
x
I am completely devestated.
When i married this man, i married him because i loved/adored/worshipped him, i wanted and just "assumed" that we'd be together FOREVER.
Didn't i get it so wrong?
x
unfortunatly a lot of people do... but a lot of people also go on to live happier lives... the fact you got married isn't enough of a reason (i believe) to stay with a man that treats you so badly... i really do feel for you... you must be devasted by the thoughts of "what could've been"... but it sounds like it was never a happy marriage, or at least not for most of it anyway... i really think you should see this as an opputunity to be able to start loving yourself... without someone who's meant to love you, in your life, constantly putting you down, you're more likely to be able to start believeing it... us ethis time to enjoy your son and enjoy yourself... it'll take a long time but you've done the hard part.... :hugs:
I see what you're saying, but when you have devoted your time and been a good faithful wife (okay, so i can't go out - BIG problem) but apart from that, i do everything what a "normal" wife does. I've seen friends go in and out of relationships since i've been with my husband and i thought, through everything we've been through, we could always work it out.
We lived seperately for 3 uni years at the beginning of our relationship and that caused a big strain through the 2nd year. We argued a lot, but him being 200 miles away - we coped. I thought we could cope with anything.
To be 100% honest here, i don't think he ever wanted to get married and be a step-father. He's too self centered. He's one of these people that refuse to help anyone because he see's it as being taken advantage of. For example. My sister and i don't get on BUT i will always ALWAYS take care of her children if she needs me to. My husband says that she's taking the P*ss out of me and using me.....i don't care, the issues my sister and i have are nothing to do with the children.
I said to him last night that he treats this house like a hotel. He comes in, he eats, he goes to bed. The house is spotless, his clothes are washed and ironed, dinner is ready for him, his lunch is prepared to take to work the next day and his bath is run! He's not proactive as i think a husband should be, perhaps i am wrong here, perhaps husbands don't help out these days.....i don't know.
I have a million things going round and round......
I'm such a failure. Almost 32 years old and my SECOND marriage has just failed. I am a pathetic loser.
(1st marriage now is not looking half as bad as i thought it was at the time. At least he cared about me, never made me cry and was helpful!)
I think someone made a BIG mistake!
x
The house is spotless, his clothes are washed and ironed, dinner is ready for him, his lunch is prepared to take to work the next day and his bath is run! He's not proactive as i think a husband should be,
WOW... wanna come be my wife... lol
think my fella would want me to get a few tips from you... one day you'll be appreciated in the way you should be... i dunno why you put yourself down... think you should concentrate on the positives in yourself a bit more... saying all this i do understand that you must be feeling gutted and i dont doubt that for a second... sorry you're going through the sh*t... but you will survive!!!
Honeybee is right hun,
you will survive.
it is natural to look back at previous relationships and think thet weren't all that bad, cos the present one is bad. That one wasn't right for you either.
You are most certainly not a pathetic loser, no way!
He just sounds like a bitter, angry unappreciative man sunshine. Husbands DO help out. Mines is usually getting on to me cos I am leaving him to the housework:blush:
I know this seems so hard for you at the moment but I really believe you can get over this and in time begint o heal and feel better about yourself.
happyone
xx
Oh Bluebell I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. This man doesn't deserve you to treat you like this.
We know you for the caring soul you are - a great friend and a truly lovely person. Don't ever forget that hun :hugs:
Karen xx
Hi Blue
Pm'd you.
I agree with Happy. Partners do help out and now you are free to find someone who will worship and adore YOU.
You sound like a wonderful, kind and considerate person. Any man would be lucky to have you.
Concentrate on yourself now instead of worrying about this selfish, weak and inconsiderate excuse for a man. Put all your efforts now into getting better yourself and having fun with your son.
One day in the future you are going to be well and strong. You will look back and wonder why you bothered with this man in the first place.
Take care
Lexxie xxx
Southern_Belle
29-05-07, 16:25
Hi Bluebell,
I seriously doubt he meant that he didn't want to marry you or he would not have done it. This man doesn't sound like he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to. That being said divorce is not easy even when both parties want out. There will be pain and you unfortunately will have to go through it but and this is a huge but, once you do, I think you will be so much better for not being around all that negativity 24/7. You need to somehow build up the self esteem he has torn down. You are not nor have never been the horrible person he has stated. Even if you have to look in the mirror every day and say nice things to yourself. Please do it. Just try.
I know that now the love you feel for your husband is coming back because you are scared to let go and I would think that is normal. You have been a great wife and all you want is the love you deserve. That isn't asking too much at all! The trouble is the man you are asking it from. Change is always scary, most of us hate it, especially those with anxiety. We will be here to help you through this.
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.
Laura
groovygranny
29-05-07, 16:28
Hi bluebell,
I know you're probably wracked with painful emotions now, but I'm going to say the same things as everbody else - because they're right.
In time you will recover from this - now you can begin to learn how to love yourself and value yourself as your lovely son does...... and all of us here do.
When my first marriage ended many, many years ago I thought I'd never recover. I had always felt so unworthy to be my then husband's wife, because he also made me feel so inadequate, and it took a long time before I could begin to think otherwise. I still have times when I revert back to my old way of thinking but thankfully my (now) husband is always there to remind me of how valued I am.
I had to learn how to love myself because I'd always thought it was somehow conceited and proudful to do so, apart from not being worthy of it. And you'll learn by listening to others telling you how you are valued, and then taking it on board until you finally believe it for yourself.
We're all here to help you do that bluebell - ok?
:hugs::flowers::hugs:
Hi..
Thank you ALL from the bottom of my sad little heart.
Went out this afternoon with my mum, very nearly drowned my sorrows by buying a very expensive "kitchen aid" food mixer, thankfully i saw sense and didn't purchase!!!!
x
When you thought your week couldn't get any worse THIS happens!
I was flicking through the local paper after a VERY hard days work and who did i see in the "wedding" section.....only the father of your son!!!!!! The very man who has never in almost 9 years taken an interest in his child.
Sorry, i am just ranting now. I am very angry!
Blue bell
lets put this in a positive light. Get all the crap over with at the one time.
Anger is goohd hiun. Dont be afraid of it, chanel it. So now you know your ex was not that good. I f he has not take n an intrerest in his son than he is a bad egg.
YOU are worth more. so is your son
hapyone
heya hun... how ya feeling today??? :hugs:
Hi..
Today....i'm.....i can't say really. I've been to work, i've done ironing and later i have to get into my mothers loft to clear it out. Fun!
x
ooo.. i must be really sad cos i love doing things like clearing out lofts.. especially other peoples... hmmm maybe thats described as nosey rather than sad actually.. hmmm.... anyway, at least you're keeping yourself busy at the mo... is your mum supporting you?? i hope you're not feeling too down and alone at the mo.. take care hunny
OMG - I was waiting for my mum to turn up and she was late as usual and the longer i was waiting the more aggitated i was getting and by the time she turned up i was 2 seconds away from full blown panic attack. I got in the car all shouty and anxious supping malibu out of a coca-cola bottle. I got 100 yards down the road and started freaking out. Mum said she'd turn round but i told her to keep going. Another 1/2 mile down the road i said to stop i wanted to go home. I could see mum was p*ssed off so i said i would drive. Phew.......I made it the next 5 miles!!!!!!!!!!! I was shaking when i got there. Did the cleaning of the loft. I was feeling a little sad getting rid of my sons pram. Its still in perfect condition but i don't think theres any chance of me having another baby!
So, finished the loft, had to stop off at a ladies house my mum needed to see and then came home and had a £23 chinese take-away. It was FANTASTIC. Feeling happier and not too bad after my horrendous journey.
x
hey bluebell... how ya doing??? hope you're keeping that chin up... :hugs:
Hi....Hope you're well :)
I'm a totally useless piece of cr*p, but i DO have a very lovely yellow reebok zippy top i bought today...lol. I've been over compensating with new clothes and spending way too much money this week.
I've decided i am going to stop doing my twice a week job, the one near my house. Its pointless and my boss is a very difficult man, instead i will do my barmaid job twice a week to compensate money issues!
I've had a really sh*tty week, i think it could have been to do with periods coming.
x
Oh bluebell
I don't know how you go on living with him, don't say its for the sake of your son because surely with him hearing all that it doesn't make it easy for hi either, think og him and yourself and get outta there honey he shouldn't speak to you like that, especially if its since the first year of your relationship. It's not fair and being outside doing your gardening (by the way could use your expertise on felting shed roof)is very brave of you with agarophobia he obviously doesn't understand that and needs some sort of counselling like anger management did he know of your problem when he met and married you? I know I wouldn't stnad for it tell him some home truths he isn't violent physically as well as emotinally is he? Well you can give him this:buttkick: from me but you can have this:hugs: :flowers:
Sorry to intrude but sounded awful had to reply to you, you send such nice posts to others.
Good luck and for what its worth I'll keep you in my prayers (no I'm not a religious fanatic):emot-pray: I have so much to be thankful for and when I read posts like yours I fell I am not grateful enough, I feel for you honey xxx
Hi, I REALLY appreciate your message.
(Unfortunately) he is STILL here. Not gone anywhere yet probably because he knows where he's best off, here with a wife that basically wipes his ar*e for him, takes his cr*p, and looks after the house/garden/child and works all with suffering with the worse agoraphobia i've had since 2002.
I am stupid, i know i am, i shouldn't put up with it, but i DO love him - does that make me mad?
As for physical abuse, yes, there has been "some".
Thanks for keeping me in your "Non-fanatical" religious prayers....lol
x
No it doesn't make you mad that youlove him but what about him is it that you love, it can't be his mouth or the way he takes care of you, he doesn't hug you or come home and say "hello sweetie sorry I was grouchy, I am feeling the pressure with your illness talk to me and help me through it" does he?
So just think to yourself what do you love about him, then build on that, I am so for people trying to make a go of their marriage it is important so ask him what he feels if he will talk to you of course. Don't let him hit you you are better than that he needs a good talking to I think.
Anyway take care, seeing Karen tonight and trying not to burn dinner!!:yesyes:
Prayers always
stargazer
xx:hugs:
Thanks again Stargazer!
I do VERY often wonder what it is i love about him. When he is nice, he's nice, but sadly those moments are few and far between.
I know how he feels, he doesn't like being with me. Our relationship has always been very one sided. I've always felt that i love him more than he loves me.
...and whats worse, is that i am really bad with my agoraphobia at the moment it gives him MORE ammunition against me. "WHY CAN'T YOU GO OUT"...."YOU CAN'T BE BOTHERED, YOU'RE JUST LAZY"...."YOU CAN'T EVEN GET TO THE SHOP ALONE"....! I can hear it all now. Great.
Sorry to whinge. I hope you are Karen have a lovely night. You're a very nice person :)
x
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