Family Problems

[Quiet-Lift]

Goodness...I really blew it last night.

Sent an email to my brother in Spain which I wish I hadn't. Haven't been feeling too well today. Isolation and a strong sense of injustice which has been festering within me over the past few years finally resulted in yet another ill-conceived email. I had to answer his third call on the 'phone and the whole thing spiralled into a sort of tit-for-tat point-scoring bonanza. I can sometimes be as cool as anything when dealing with someone else's problem or crisis, but when it comes to my own? Oh dear. Can't see the wood for the trees...:ohmy:

After he cancelled out the call (according to him it was going nowhere after I lost my temper ), I decided to send him a peace offering in the form of a second email. He says my behaviour is beyond reproach and is threatening a refusal on the large sum of money which he owes me. He's also threatening to sever all contact between us in the future.

Sorry I can't be more specific with details.This is a matter which has been on-going for over three years now ever since my Mother's accident and his decision to take her to Wales. His subsequent move to Spain with his wife angered me a great deal because I had assumed that they were going to stay close by her and look after her. Although she is a regular visitor to their Villa and has pleasant Sheltered Accomodation in Wales, the child in me still has a lot of unresolved issues to deal with and feels a sense of frustrated and impotent outrage at being left out of the loop in London.

Hence my snide and resentful email which elicited an equally angry response.

I only hope my second email and some passing time may smooth these troubled water's which I've unwittingly turned up.

Many thanks if you've managed to read this. It's an attempt to lighten my heavy heart as I have no one to talk to and feel pretty bad over what I've done.

Allan59:weep:

[samjane]

Hun don’t feel bad for what you have said, you must have needed to get it of your chest so let it be done with.

I had a huge bust up with my family in January that went on and on but I truly felt that I was in the right and did not back down. In the end they all got in contact and bridges were rebuilt.

Like you said give it some time and space and things will sort themselves out.

Love Sam

PS have a big Hug :bighug1: :bighug:

[yorkylover]

Hi Allan,its better to get it all of your chest than to bottle it all up.I have issues with my brother at the moment,been going on for 20 years.cant explain it all as I will be here until next Sunday.Im sure it will all get sorted out for you.We are here to listen.:hugs:
Big hug for you:hugs::bighug:

[Jaco45er]

Family's man

This is familiar to what happened on my mothers side a few years back, when an aunt tucked up the family after my Nan died (story would take forever and it even bores me as it's still the number 1 topic when I see them).

It's hard to give advice really, only to say that I would be wanting the cash back from him so would be keen to lay low for a bit.

There is enough out there to try and trip us up, its even worse when family are doing it too.

Onwards and upwards chap.

TC

Jaco

[Piglet]

Aww - hope you can get things sorted so you feel better hun.

It's the nature of life isn't it our relationships with other people - sometimes things work great and other times it doesn't.

I think I can confidently say most families do have their ups and downs!

Love Piglet :flowers:

[Quiet-Lift]

Hi Sam, Yorkylover, Jaco and Piglet...:flowers:

Thankyou so much for your replies and kind remarks....yes I will try to lay low for a bit and let the dust settle. Wish I'd been a little more level headed and diplomatic though. I suppose you just don't know how someone is going to respond to an email. It can be such an impersonal and somehow artificial form of communication and lacks the immediacy of personal contact...but in your cases it can also be most welcome and comforting.

Best wishes to you all and hoping the Bank Holiday is going well for you...

Allan59:)

[groovygranny]

Hello Allan,

Only just caught up with this post. This sort of thing makes one feel so uncomfortably agitated and unsettled doesn't it?

I don't think you should be so hard on yourself though. The very fact that you are concerned about your actions says that you are a conciencious person who considers the effect of his words or actions upon others.

I have had to learn, quite recently in fact, that when things need to be said they need to be said. For so many years I was unable to contest anything that was said to me, which isn't the most stress-free way to live!

There is a long-standing issue in my family concerning my sister-in-law and the estate of my late mother-in-law. My sister-in-law is an embittered, jealous and vindictive person and has done wrong by other family members including my three daughters - but I also feel so very sad for her.

I have just replied to another post with the following phrase I use to guide my judgements in these matters:

"Live in peace with others as far as it depends upon you. You cannot be responsible for the unwillingness of others to live in peace with you".

I hope you can find some peace over this matter and I think you are wise to let the dust settle a bit. Hopefully your brother will do the same - I sincerely hope so.

Hugs for you in the meantime!


:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Allan,

I agree with the others that in time both his and your feelings should heal. It is great of you to hand out the olive branch first though. I think you were just trying to protect your Mother, nothing wrong with that. Sibling love runs very deep I do hope it sorts out soon.

Laura :)

[Lynnann]

Hi there,

Sorry only just read the post, what we seem to forget is that family are people too, yet we place so mush more expectation and trust in them and are so badly hurt when they let us down. Try to remember that they are just human as well and under their own pressures and trying to do their best and easily provoked just like everyone else. Especially when they feel guilty about something.

Sometimes the best means of defense is attack?

I am sure it will sort itself out in the end but I would have agreements regarding money in writing just in case. As you don't already, try to sort things out amacibally in the meantime

Hugs to you

Lynnann

[Quiet-Lift]

Hi Lynnann...

Thanks for replying to my post.

Unfortunately I didn't get anything in writing regarding the money and only have a bank statement to show that that the transaction took place and a credit\debit card he gave me at the time in good faith. I never withdrew anything from it at the time and remember him telling me that the amount on it has been used up.

So much for taking things on trust!

I was toying with the idea of sending him an agreement which I drafted up over two years ago and asking him to sign a copy and return it but under the present circumstances I don't believe he would sign it.

I'm dealing with a man who worked for a large Cosmetics company for 25 years at £50,000 a year. He's pragmatic and business-like (possibly far more than I ), enjoys the high-life and seems to enjoy 'ducking and diving'.

Maybe is best if I leave matters alone for now but my feelings about the matter at present are affecting my sleeping and eating habits.

I'm not sure what you meant by "the best means of defense is attack". I don't really want to get into another argument over the phone or send him another email that might wind him up again because it wouldn't really help matters.

Anyhow, thanks for your advice. Amicable resolutions are always best I agree but right now I feel so angry with him because it seems as though he is using the money as a stick to threaten or beat me with.

Take care...:)

[groovygranny]

Hi Allan,

There doesn't seem to be any solution at the moment to this problem does there? I think you're right when you say your brother wouldn't sign anything now, why should he when he feels he has the upper hand?

And making decisions now while you're quite understandably angry, might cause you to regret them at a future date.

Much better to wait a little until heated emotions have had time to hopefully subside thereby giving an opportunity for sound judgement.

I know, with regard to my sis-in-law, how a family member's unjust behaviour and actions can make us feel quite devastated. At the end of the day, the moneys involved ceased to become the major issue for us (although it was quite a substantial amount and left us unstable for a while) The most disturbing part of the whole affair was the calouse and ruthless behaviour of this member of our family. I think that was harder to accept than the financial side of it.

I can full understand your feelings of frustration and anger. I'm afraid I can't advise you of how to technically or officially move forward on this, I can only offer my support as someone who has had the same treatment as you.

I do believe the financial issue between my sis-in-law and us will never reach a satisfactory conlusion whereby she faces up to her responsibilty toward us - so all we can do, as you have done, is to keep on offering the olive branch in the hope that one day she might take it. But if she never does then all I can do is be determined that she will not rob me of my peace by my pursuing the issue ad infinitum.

This may be cold comfort to you at the moment, but just wanted you to know that you're not alone - and that I hope you find sufficient peace to end your sleeplessness and loss of appetite.

Take care

:hugs: