Really struggling..

[PhantasyStar]

I'm sorry to post this but i've really got nowhere else to turn to.

I feel lost, i don't know what to think anymore. I feel so down and i'm not sure why, and worst of all i cannot seem to control it. I've been trying so hard for so long but all i feel is just constantly exhausted. I'm not even sure if it's depression that i'm experiencing, but i feel down all the time but on occasions i'm normal and jokey again. Right now i am just feeling ever so teary and it makes me feel stupid because i can't help this feeling. I don't really have anything i should be feeling down about, maybe a few things but nothing to warrant me feeling this bad. I can't explain it and i can't seem to snap out of it. I can get away with it when i'm on my own but when i am socialising it's becoming noticable people think that i am upset with them but that's not the case at all. It's even becoming difficult to put an act on because i'm feeling so exhausted i tend to just give up. But then, i get a huge burst of energy and everything seems amazing.

I just find this all too confusing because it's been going on for 3 years now. It's been such a slow process and i am trying to learn how to get back to being my old self again, or at least a variation of it to the point where i'm at least emotionally stable. I want to be happy, and i believe that i can be happy, but something is stopping me and i really don't understand why.

Is this typical depression???

Sorry for the rant, but i had to let it out. Nobody else around me would understand, but i know amazing you all are here and would know exactly what i'm saying.

Thank you for listening and if i can do anything for anybody here please let me know i really don't mind talking to someone who wants to talk about anything.

Take care

[groovygranny]

Hello Phantasy Star,

It is indeed an exhausting process trying to keep up a brave face - I did it for years.

But, in my opinion, there comes a point where it becomes impossible to maintain it without it affecting every aspect of our lives.

I have had to learn to just be myself and not worry too much about what people think of me. I don't mean that I don't care about other people - just that I'm a what-you-see-is-what-you-get sort of person now!

I don't pretend that 'I'm fine' anymore if I'm really not. But if I am then I say so. If people ask me how I am I answer as honestly as I can. Sometimes they appreciate that honesty - and sometimes they don't !!

I'm still on the 'learning curve' and probably always will be - but it's not such a debilitating effort to stay on it now!

Not sure if this is helpful or not, just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

:)

PS: never apologise for ranting here - this is about the only place on the planet that we can do that freely !!

[sarah1984]

Hello there Phantasy,

I would say that what you are describing are classical symptoms of depression-feeling down without being able to put your finger on any particular trigger, tearfulness, mood swings, general exhaustion. It's hard putting on a brave face-I think the more depressed we become, the more we try to hide it from others. Sometimes it becomes downright unbearable-I remember trying to pretend to my parents that I was happy when I felt like bursting into tears. Mum could always see through it though-she said I was giving my false smile! It's hard to keep up though and others do notice. I really think honesty is the best policy though. If you let others know how you're feeling, then they won't take offence or feel hurt. It sounds as if you have been very brave and have been struggling with this for a long time now. May I ask whether you're taking any form of medication/have any form of counselling? If you're not on anything, I would advise you to make a doctor's appointment or talk to a pharmacist about the possibility of taking St John's Wort, a natural remedy for depression.
Take Care x

[belle]

Hi there...

I don't think there is a "typical" depression. There are signs/symptoms that people with depression share, but i believe each person suffers with it differently. When i had my last bout of depression, it wasn't (exactly) the same as how you describe yours.

What you mention does sound like it...being exhausted/feeling down for no reason (or reasons you can't put your finder on). The good thing here is that you are still maintaining a social life despite feeling down. I would suggest that you have a chat with your GP, explain exactly how you've been feeling.

Good Luck :)

x

[PhantasyStar]

Thank you ever so much for your responses.

Sarah, i should have mentioned that i am not on any medication because i had a crap experience last Feb when i was given Citroplam to take, for 8 weeks i felt like a zombie, i felt i wasn't in control of myself and the people around me thought i was taking hard drugs because my speech was imparied, my thinking was very slow and i just wanted to sleep all the time. I couldn't carry on like this (especially since i'm in a very high profile line of work - IT Support) and i couldn't afford to make mistakes, and at the time i was making loads. I just stopped them in the end, i couldn't wait any longer for them to settle and i felt at the time it was just getting worse, plus i started to feel suicidle again. Since then, i've not taken anything because i'm too frightened too, i would rather feel the way i am and be in some sort of control because now at least after a good cry i feel pretty much in control and motivated again, i guess it's the fighter in me. Problem is it's happening more than i'd like to recently. I won't take medication and i won't go to see a counsellor because i just don't know if i could trust them, i would much rather open up here with like minded people, people who i can trust and know how it feels and not in it for the money.

I'm trying so hard to keep it going, but it's becoming so much harder with each day that it just feels like i'm going to have a breakdown :(

[PhantasyStar]

Thank you so much for the responses. I am so happy i came back here today, i don't know what else i would have done without this forum, i really needed you, really needed to reach out and hold on, and i will keep holding on.. thank you all for being so lovely to me today.

Take Care..

[Sax]

Hiya Phantasy,

Sorry you were struggling so much yesturday, how are things today?:hugs:

Having felt up and down for 3 years as you say you know the process it takes. Sometimes we can be down for weeks other times just a few hours, but its never a case of 'snapping out of it'. Groovy said a good point and one which I try to adopt which is accepting how you feel at the time, trying not to fight it and know and trust it will pass.
Also, soooooooo important that you felt able to express your feelings knowing yes we do understand and relate to what you are saying, a lot of feel the same and its a bloody struggle at times but I am finding as time goes on the 'lows' really don't last as long and when I look back I NEVER get as low as i use to. However, I am on Citalopram!

Anyway, Keep posting Phantasy and know we are listening and understanding.

love Sax xx:shades:

[Piglet]

:hugs:

Piglet :flowers: