kids growing up

[geordie flower]

HIYA, I could really do with some advice please! I've always been a worrier and a pessimist for as along as I can remember, thays prob why I've got anxiety now! Well my eldest son is 10 soon and he wants more freedom such like going to his friends house on his own, its just round the corner from us but it means hes out of my sight and in this day and age I just worry so much that something might happen to him, he could get knocked over or worse! In the past hes always been happy playing in our street but now I think because his friends are allowed to go further he thinks he should and he gives me the guilt trip! My hubby says I've gotta let him go sometime but I just know I'll worry the whole time he's away, Help!!!!! thanks for reading, any advice would be most welcome tracey :) x

[sarah1984]

Hi Tracey,

I'm not a parent myself-you can tell my age from my name, but I remember being your son's age and taking those first steps towards independence. When I was in Year 6, I used to walk to school (25mins) on my own and I used to get the bus into town to meet my friends and go shopping. It's probably even harder now than it was 12 years ago when I was 10! I think the best thing to do is agree some common ground rules with your son-you must know who he's going to see and how long he intends to be out of the house. It would also help if you knew the friend's mum or could speak to her beforehand as it might reassure you. Has he got a mobile? If so, he could maybe text you/call you to let you know everything's fine. Make sure he knows that his freedom comes with conditions-that he must contact you/come home when he says he will otherwise he will lose his newly-found independence. It's always awkward when you get to his age as different parents give their kids different degrees of freedom, though I remember it was really embarassing for those who weren't allowed to come out to play as they used to get teased for being wrapped in cottonwool.

[kate]

Oh my life, I so know where you are coming from!

Mine are now 15 and 18 and I find it very, VERY hard to be relaxed when they go out. My 18 year old has of course now discovered pubs and alcohol which worries me no end.

BUT, we have to let go at some time and I think at 10 that your son is ready to do a few small things on his own.

It's very hard but we can't run our kids lives (unfortunately!). We have to take the risk and let them make their own mistakes and find their way in the world.

Kate

[happyone]

Hi, I totally sympathise too!

my oldest is nine and wants that little more free rein. I found it hard just to let her play out the front, rather than our enclosed garden, or to go to her friends house (literally in eyesight of ours!). She is doing these things now, but I am dreading her wanting to go further afield as I just feel she will never be old enough!

I have started though to let her do little bits and pieces on her own, like run ahead of me on the way to school (we cross a park to get to her school)

No easy answers hun except, it is our job to let them go. Sadly!

Happyone
xx

[geordie flower]

Hiya thanks for you replies, I suppose I do know deep down its time to let him have a bit more freedom, hes a sensible lad so I do trust him, its others I dont. Its his 10th birthday in august and im getting him a mobile phone, hes been wanting one for ages and ive always thought hes too young but I suppose its the way of the world nowadays! At least i'll be able to keep track of him lol :D tracey x

[Piglet]

Yep Kate and I have done this one before!! :blush: :hugs:

Quite frankly I wanted to make all their clothes out of cottonwool, sand down all the sharp corners off everything, go with them wherever they go, cut their food up into very small peices - shall I go on!!!!

It's hard hun, so very hard - but I don't want to make what is essentially my problem into their problem, so I let the leash get a little longer with each passing year!

Little bit by little bit - it works for them hun and it works for you!!

Piglet :flowers:

[Jules18]

Hi

My son is nearly 8 and is very independent, and is just starting to call on friends although they are only a few doors away from us. He has a little group of friends in our lane and they all have walkie talkies which gives us parents a little more peace of mind. It just means that if they decide to "stray" from one friend's house and call for someone else we always know where they are and the kids think they're good fun to have. It helps a bit with my anxiety about it anyway!

Julie

[darkangel]

My daughter is 16 and its difficult to get the balance. I am so over protective but im learning to let go in little stages.

She only lives with me 3 days a week as she lives with my ex the rest of the week and Ive had to learn to let her make her own mistakes but be there to listen and give support. We have an open relationship and are able to discuss anything.

[geordie flower]

Hiya, I know I've gotta let go otherwise he will prob start getting called mammys boy or worse! I think yor advice is right, start off little at a time then when I know I can trust him I'll give him abit more freedom, god its gonna be hard. I suppose wen I think bak to wen I was his age my mam was the same with me! thanks again tracey :) x

[kilvosa]

Hi There
I have 4 children age 23 21 10 and 9 the eldest two live 300 miles from us leaving our 10 year ild son and 9 year old daughter. Well my son is 11 in july and off to senior school in September and he doesnt go anywhere without my husband and i unless its with another adult. I suppose it depends where you live. My son is not very streewise and we moved here 18 months ago and i wouldnt feel right in letting him go because the area is quite rough and so totally different from where we came from. Both of them together have been to the corner shop ( i did hide round the corner to watch them though lol
). I was talking to one of his friends mum and she feels the same as me we are letting them go slowly and are going to let them catch the bus into town and we follow on the next bus . If we had still been living where we were i feel that i would have let them go out and in fact they used to go down to a friends house by themseleves. It is so hard to let them go. Come september i know ill be panicking cos i wont be able to take him to senior school myself but then again i did the eldest two for thier first week and they were fine with that and didnt get called names. I see kids from the age of 3 playing out round here sorry but i dont feel that is right but each parent to thier own.
Take care
Annexx

[groovygranny]

Hello Tracey!

My three girls are 29, 25 and 22 and two of them have their own child - and I still feel like you !!!

I remember the first time I allowed my eldest to play with her friends on the pavement in front of our house when she was 8. I gave her the boundary of three doors up the street and three doors down! She was to go no furhter!! I gradually increased the distance over a period of time (more for my benefit than hers lol !) until she was finally allowed on the playing fields at the bottom of our street!! (She was 25 by this time!) No, I jest - she was about 10 when she reached this stage!

I think by doing it this way it served to help her feel more independent and it satisfied me - although I do remember looking through the net curtains about every 5mins just to make sure she was ok!!

I do realise it is so different now though - if we had our way our kids would never go anywhere on their own. But, as has already been said, we do have to let them go - they'll not learn the skills for independence unless we do. Mobile phones are a godsend in these circumstances - I had to stand at the top of my street and yell at the top of my voice if I wanted to get my daughter's attention!

Good luck - you'll be fine:hugs:!!

:flowers:

[josephine]

Hi, I have an 11 year old boy and i know just what a dilemma it is letting them have independance.

I go everywhere with my son and dont let him out of my sight. The other day my friend asked if my son could go alone with her son to the local park, while we stayed at home. I was not comfortable with that so i said no. My son is not streetwise and even though i trust him, i dont trust other people.

He starts secondary school in sept, but we are lucky as it is just around the corner from us. I will let him walk there and back by himself, after a little while.

I know i am over protective but it doesnt last and oneday i will not have the option but to let him go. Just not at the moment.

Josephine.

[geordie flower]

Hiya its really difficult too wen they hav friends who have as much freedom as they want to, my son whos 9 was in the house with his pjs on watching simpsons it was around 8pm and a school nite and a couple of his school friends knocked at my door asking if he could go to the park and play footy with them! the park is ova a mile away, I didnt want to embarrass my son so I just said he was on his playstation and didnt want to play out. But I have made a step forward this half term tho I've let him ride round the block with his friend as long as he comes back to see me every 5 mins or so, well its a step forward! lol :D tracey x

[Alabasterlyn]

Hello Tracey!

My three girls are 29, 25 and 22 and two of them have their own child - and I still feel like you !!!



My son is 29 and I know exactly what you mean. It seems no matter how 'grown up' they are we always worry. My son is about a foot taller than me and 5st heavier, but still I worry all the time. I think when you have kids it's something that never goes away to be honest.

When my son first started wanting to go out on his own I worried a lot too, but to be honest I think I worried more as he got older and wanted to go into town in the evenings with his friends.

It's very hard in this day and age to let them go out and not worry but I do also think it's something we all have to go through. I wonder if perhaps our anxiety makes us worry more about our children going out as are projecting some of our fearful feelings onto them.