When your 'support' person is not around

[Ellen70]

Hello All.

I dread it when my sister isn't around. Last week she was on holiday abroad for the week and it seemed like she was away for years.
If you have a 'support' person that you rely on, what do you do when they are not around?
I don't unload my problems to my sister and she doesn't know how dreadful I feel most of the time.
But I need her as a 'back up' in case I need to see a doctor urgently or to sleep at her house when I am too scared to be on my won (I live alone).

The seven days she was gone were torture for me, I felt so isolated and alone.

I am single and live alone so I am used to being on my own, it is the comfort of knowing that I can phone my sister in the middle of the night and that she will come home from work if I need to go to the doctor badly.

If you have a support person, how do you cope when they are not around?

Eibhlin

[kate]

I always feel slightly easier if hubby is at home for backup.

BUT, this kind of defeats the object of learning to cope on our own. What we need to do is to acknowledge that we are our own safe place and that we CAN deal with things on our own. Relying on others might make us feel better at the time, but as you are saying, they can't always be around.

All of us need to have faith in our own abilities to deal with everyday life and the problems that arise. If push came to shove we WOULD cope and deal with anything that came along.

Why not look on the time when your sister is not around as a positive thing rather than a negative? Learning to rely on yourself rather than others will boost your self confidance no end.

Kate

[Ellen70]

Thanks Kate. I don't rely on my sister or anyone else 99% of the time. It is just that I am going through a very bad time at the moment and am having panics in places where I never panicked before. My confidence in myself is at an all time low and at this stage I feel so vulnerble that I want someone to come in and take over my life and look after me. I am usually so independent and wouldn't tell anyone about my problems unless I was really sinking. However the other day I told my parents about the symptoms of a panic attack I just had. I had never told them what happens during a panic attack before. I think I have been keeping my fears inside of me for so long now that they are demanding to be released. I actually had a panic attack when I woke up in bed this morning - that has never happened before. I know I should be strong but I have no stength left, I have used it all up.

Eibhlin

[Under~The~Stars]

(((((Eibhlin)))))

I'm sorry you are finding things tough at the moment, just keep fighting hun :hugs:

My "support" person was my mum and my fiance. My mum drinks a lot, so I never felt very safe in that she would take me seriously if I needed a doctor, so my fiance was my "support". However, we split up around a month ago. So, I guess I've been forced into seeing that I'm ok when I'm on my own. Don't get me wrong, it's really hard just now without having that security. However, I feel it's making me a stronger person. I'm getting therapy, twice a week at the moment, which is really really helping me. Time is also a great healer. Are you receiving any help?

One thing I will say is well done for coping without your sister for the week, I know that must have been really hard for you, but you managed it! :yesyes: You have managed without her for the week, so your mind will remember that. I know you would have felt bad whe she was away, but you are still here, nothing bad happened to you. You will get stronger as time goes by. When you feel like you really need to phone your sister, try not to, and see what happens. I expect you will feel really anxious for a while, but after a little bit of time goes by, that urge to phone will lessen, and you will show yourself that you are fine. You know that phoning is always an option though, but try your hardest not to, just out of curiosity, and see what happens?

Take care,

Lou xxx

[Piglet]

Kate said pretty much what I was gonna say.

You be proud of the way you can cope when your sister isn't around and let that give the confidence to know you can do it!!

Also I have to say I have been much happier this year since I stopped pretending nothing is wrong - I decided 2007 was gonna be my 'go public with panic' year.

No I don't necessarily shout it from the rooftops but I do mention here there and everywhere if I need to. I have even had a conversation with my dad about it and allsorts of friends who have been very supportive. People will be if we let them.

I have spent the last 7 years hiding how I feel and I can't tell you the relief it's given me. :yesyes:

Piglet :flowers:

[honeybee]

hey..

my support person was my mum... when i started getting panic attacks i moved back home with her... i didnt leave her side for 2 years... thats how much of a support person (or hinder) she was to me... then she decided to move away to an area that i didnt want to move to so i didnt go with her...

i didnt know what i was gonna do...

but the less time i spent with her the less i felt i needed to... it feels really good now to be able to spend all day on my own whereas before i couldnt leave her side... i must admit my fella is now my support person but not to the extent my mum ever was... if he had to go away for a week i wouldn't be able to leave the house but i dont think i'd spend the whole time on edge wishing he was here (well i would but not because i wanted him here to ease my anxiety levels)...

i think its kinda all in the mind... its like if i go out i NEED my phone, if i havent got it i completely freak out, its like my safety blanket. but im sure after a bit of practise i'd realise im just as fine without it..

[happyone]

My support person was my counsellor but I don't see her any more. I am still finding it hard.
When things got tough I would think 'I'll be able to talk about this on such and such a day' and I would get it all out of my system and it really helped.
I can't do that now. I do it to an extent here, but not completely as my thoughts are too bleak sometimes to share on here, it wouldn't be fair on other members.
Happyone

[darkangel]

We can have support but the only person who can help us is ourselves.
My support is on here or No Panic helpline - I live on my own as well although my daughter lives with me a few nights a week.
I TOTALLY relied on my ex husband for everything and he repaid me by abusing me.................I left and now support myself.
We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We can only ever truely feel safe within ourselves when we trust our inner self.

Luv darkangel x

[Ellen70]

Thanks everyone for posting. Like Piglet, I too have told a few people about my problems. I met a neighbour of my sister's today in a shop and she asked me what I was doing at the moment. Usually I would lie when asked this but I said that I was not working due to have depression and anxiety disorders. It felt much better to just tell the truth rather than pretend to be working and all that.

Thanks,
Eibhlin

[Lindalou64]

I Also Live On My Own Do Have A Son Who Is Here If You Can Say He Is Here Never Home But I Do Feel Better Knowing My Sister Is Not Too Far From Me Just In Case Of Whatever....but She Is Moving To Florida And I Already Feel A Pit In My Belly, But Life Goes On,uggghh.....................linda Xx

[Ellen70]

I Also Live On My Own Do Have A Son Who Is Here If You Can Say He Is Here Never Home But I Do Feel Better Knowing My Sister Is Not Too Far From Me Just In Case Of Whatever....but She Is Moving To Florida And I Already Feel A Pit In My Belly, But Life Goes On,uggghh.....................linda Xx

Oh sorry to hear about your sister moving Linda, I start getting nervous weeks before my sister goes on holidays, you are brave to have such a good attitude towards her moving.
Hope you will be alright.

Eibhlin

[Claire240380]

Hi everyone,

I've recently joined this site as my 'support' person who I live and work with is going on holiday for two weeks in a weeks time and I am absolutely dreading it. I really can't see how I will cope.

I have suffered with anxiety and panic attacks for the last 4 years since my Dad was assulted and left brain damaged. For 3 years I was too scared to go anywhere or do anything. However last year my friend got me a job working at her office 2 days a week. Since then, my confidence has grown and I'm now working there full time. We live together and so she drives me to and from work, even on her days off. As you can imagine I'm dreading being on my own for 2 weeks as I can feel the aniety everytime I think about it. Whats worse is that I can't travel on my own, I panic on buses and I can't think of a way round it. I've not told her completely how I feel as I know she will only worry about me and I don't want it to ruin her holiday. I know I have come a long way from the person I was a year ago but I just get mad at myself that I am 27 and I'm too scared to travel on my own.

Clairexx

[Dusty]

My main support person is Alan, my husband, but because he works away from home on average 2/3 nights a week I have to cope. He isn't my only support though. I have a written list of people I can turn to for "support".

Can I say right now that I know none of them will be able to "put it right", only I can do that.

But these friends will listen when I rant, hand be tissues when I cry, hug me when I down, reassure me I'm not losing my mind, point out all the positive things I'm achieving when I'm in a negative frame of mind. They all have they're own strengths. Where as one will be a "rock" with my emotional turmoil another will look after the kids so I can have a little while to sort myself out.

At the end of the day the only one who can help me is me. But just knowing I'm not going through it totally alone is a big help.

And I guess that's why we all come here, don't we?:)

[Claire240380]

Hi everyone,

Well my 'support person' went away on holiday on tuesday and so far I've managed to stay sane. I've got a friend who comes on the bus with me to work and meets me after work for the journey home.
I felt anxious yesterday but I'm ok today. I'm just staying positive and telling myself that being on my own is nothing to be scared of. I know my that I have people at the other end of the phone who I can talk to if I need to.
I did panic a little last night as I was frightened that I might wake up struggling to breathe which I have had before. I do feel safer when there is someone around but I'm sure I can manage till she gets back. Maybe after this I will be more positive about pushing myself to do more things on my own.
11 DAYS TO GO! :yesyes:

[Under~The~Stars]

Claire, thats really great news that you are staying positive hun! :yesyes: I hate being on my own, so I understand how hard that is! As time goes by, you will become more confident on your own. It's a good opportunity for you to see that you ARE ok. Look at it is a challenge, and imagine how good you will feel when your support person comes home! And yes I agree, I think this is a huge step forward for you, and it may make you more determined to try other things to get you better! :hugs:

We are all with you here! Keep up the good work! :yesyes:

Lou xxx

[Ellen70]

Well done Clarire, I know it is hard but remember that thoughts and feelings cannot hurt us, even though it seems like they can when we have them.

Eibhlin

[Claire240380]

Hi everyone,

Firstly thankyou for your kind replys and words of wisdom and support. It helps me to know that I'm not the only person who goes through anxiety and panic attacks, and that there are people out there who have overcome or learnt to deal with them and are kind enough to offer their support to others who don't yet know how to.

I just wanted to post an update as to how I am coping being on my own for the first time in a long long time.

Well, Ive been fine the past few days, my Mum came over for the weekend and we been really busy shopping and going out for a few drinks. However when my Mum left I had a pain in my chest and I started to feel anxious again. I thought it must be because I was so tired but when I tried to sleep for an hour I woke up coughing, feeling like my throat was closing up and I couldn't breathe. I managed to stay calm and drank plenty of water until it subsided. But I haven't dared to try and sleep again yet. I don't know what causes these episodes, are they anxiety related?

Anyway I hope I'm not boring everyone with my messages, but it does help me to write them down as I can re-read them and know that I got through it in one piece.

9 DAYS TO GO!!! :yesyes:

[Ellen70]

Claire, you are certainly not boring anyone, it is always good to hear from you. I know how hard it must have been when your Mom left as the usual time that I get upset about living on my own is when I have had a friend to stay, and when they leave I really realise that I live alone.
If you start to panic about being on your own, remember there are thousands and thousands of people living on their own and as they are not panicking about it then why should you? I tell this to myself when I get overwhelmed from being on my own.

take care and post all you want

Eibhlin :hugs:

[Claire240380]

Hi everyone,

Another update:

Well after waking to feel that my throat was closing up on me, I found it difficult to drop back off to sleep last night. Then to top it off when I went to work today and I was asked to fetch some milk from the shop I panicked big time. I got to the steps and started crying, feeling dizzy and like I was going to pass out. I just wanted to click my fingers and be at home in bed with the duvet over my head.
Instead I phoned my friend who spoke to me whilst I went into to the shop, got the milk and went back to work. I then put the milk down and went to the ladies toilet and booed my eyes out! I was so mad at myself that I panicked just walking to the shop.
Then I started to think that it may have done some good. The crying had probably released some of the built up tension and I had managed to get to the shop and back on my own without passing out.
So even though I feel like I have taken 3 steps back, I have learned things that may help me to go 4 steps forward.

8 DAYS TO GO :shades:

Claire240380

[tryintfloat]

This site is my *support person*. Everyone ive tried to confide in has shied away. It may be for the best because if I had someone to break down upon I might just do that. KWIM?:wacko:

[Claire240380]

Hi tryintfloat,

I'm fairly new to this site and I too see it as a support. I have found that there are a lot of people here who are willing to listen, give you their advice and share their experiences. So you are in very safe hands.
I dont think its a bad thing to have a good cry as it releases a lot of that built up tension and stress which creates a lot of anxiety. I know that I felt better yesterday after a sobbing session.

Take care

Claire240380

7 DAYS :flowers:

[Under~The~Stars]

Hey Claire :hugs:

I think because you had been keeping yourself busy for a few days, and doing stuff with your mum you were feeling quite good. Then when your mum left your anxiety kicked in, so I definitely think your chest pains were anxiety, in fact no doubt about it!

About the panicking at your work, you will have so many emotions running around, as being on your own is a big change for you, and you need time to get used to it, so the panicking was just that. The fact you cried is good as it lets go of some pressure you will have had, and therefore afterwards you will have felt better :hugs:

You are doing so well Claire! Keep it up :yesyes:

Lou xxx

[Louise]

Hi there, I'm without my support at the moment so sympathise entirely. I'm 12 weeks pregnant, with severe nausea and sickness and my husband who is a Soldier is overseas for another 2 months. My anxiety has been in check mainly because I'm focusing on other things but I haven't been out for 3 weeks and worry that the agoraphobia will kick in when I need to go to the hospital next week.

So, I'm trying the old fashioned mind over matter technique, I am surrounded by neighbours and freinds even though my family is hundreds of miles away - EVERYTHING WILL BE OK. I trust in those words and you should too. I'm not an especially strong person, have suffered with anxiety for years but sometimes you have to think strong even if you don't feel it.

Good luck, and YOU WILL BE OK. xx

[tryintfloat]

Hows it going Claire?

[Moose.]

Hello Eibhlin,

I know just what you mean. My parents are my support and the first people I turn to about my anxiety. They're off on holiday for a week after next weekend and I can already feel my anxiety building at the moment. I'm trying not to let it show, as I want them to enjoy their holiday and not be worrying about me. I'll be house sitting for them which is going to be hard, as I hate being alone.

Still, I just keep telling myself it's only a week and it'll be fine. Just need to try and keep busy to stop me thinking myself into a major anxiety attack (I don't get panic attacks luckily, but the anxiety is bad enough!)

All the best :)

[Claire240380]

Hi tryintfloat,

Well 10 days down and only 5 days to go. :yesyes:

Compared to how I felt at the weekend, I'm actually feeling ok at the minute. I've had a few sticky moments, where the anxiety has tried to creep in and the bad thoughts have been pushing themselves to the front of my mind but I've managed to stay strong and distract myself with other things.

The only thing thats bothering me slightly is the fact that I have a friend who I meet on the bus to work and if I don't get a lift back, she meets me after work for the journey home. Is this cheating? Or is it ok not to push myself too hard? I don't think I'm ready to do that just yet. I mean, I'm at home on my own in the evenings and I've managed to go to work everyday so far without taking sick days off.

This site has been an absolute godsend for me. The people here are lovely and I know that when I go home in the evening I have people who I can talk to who understand how I feel. So a massive THANKYOU to you all. :hugs:

Claire240380

[Under~The~Stars]

Claire, well done you for staying strong and positive! :yesyes:

You are doing something huge right now, by staying by yourself in the evenings, so I would say keep meeting your friend before and after work as you don't want to do too much at once! Take things one step at a time. That is something you can work on when you feel all of your attention can go on that. You are doing so well just now! :yesyes: You have a lot of inner strength, and determination, well done :hugs:

Take care,

Lou xxx

[tryintfloat]

Claire

I agree with Lou I think you are doing great! No missed days from work and all! See you are stronger than you think!

[Claire240380]

Hi everyone,

Well, I'm nearly there. I'm feeling really really depressed today. I feel so close yet still not close enough. I just want this to be over now. :emot-crying:

Claire240380

[bluesparkle]

oh hang on in there... :hugs:
you are doing great...
i know what you mean by so close yet so far (my partner went to oz last year for 4 weeks) but youve not got long to go now.
you should be really proud of yourself... no days off work etc wow!
and as for meeting your friend i think that is a good idea ...you will know when you feel strong enough to take the next step but you are dealing with alot right now...
i hope you are feeling a little better/happier now... just look at what you have achieved.
take care
rach

[Under~The~Stars]

Claire, have some :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

How long to go now?

I'm not surprised you are feeling the way you are right now, you have been faced with a challenge that has been very difficult, but you have coped so well with it! So so well! :yesyes: Your emotions will be flying about everywere just now, just take it easy :hugs: Do things that you enjoy, and be very proud of yourself for how you are coping, we all are :flowers:

Take care,

Lou xxx

[Claire240380]

Thankyou both for your kind replys.

Less than 32 hours to go. I'm just going to try and occupy myself tonight and hopefully tomorrow will be better than today. I think what's made it worse is that I've really missed her and I'm ready for her to come home.

Claire240380

[Under~The~Stars]

Not long to go now! :)

Just wait until she comes home and you get that hug that makes it all worthwhile! :hugs: In the future, you will feel more confident, and you will remember how you coped with this, and this will make you stronger the next time you are faced with a challenge like this :flowers: It will get easier :hugs:

Tae care, and keep yourself occupied. Put your fave dvd on or something :)

Lou xxx

[Claire240380]

I'm so nervous today and my chest is really tight. I've been really depressed and emotional the past few days and I'm hoping that will stop soon. I
know that I have learnt so much this past 2 weeks, about myself and how to cope on my own but I will be so glad to have her back and for things to go back to normal.
It's less than 10 hours till she lands. I've got a list of things for me to do tonight after work so hopefully that will keep me busy. Maybe I'll get a couple of hours sleep in too.

[Ellen70]

Hi Claire,
I am really happy for you that this tough time is nearly over for you. I know the relief I feel when my sister has been away and then she phones to say 'I'm back' - it is like it gives me permission to breathe again.

Do treat yourself to something nice for getting through the last while alone - even if it is only a magazine or to rent a dvd.

Take care for now

Eibhlin :hugs:

[Under~The~Stars]

Hi Claire :hugs:

How are you doing today? :flowers:

Lou xxx

[Moose.]

Well, that's it my parents are off on their holiday and I'm now house-sitting for them. Just feel like I want to burst into tears at the thought of the upcomming 9 days until they're back :weep: I do feel quite pleased with myself that I gave them a cheery goodbye, so at least they won't be worrying about me and spoiling their holiday.

My anxiety has almost reached maximum though and I'm now trying desparately to calm down. Rescue remedy's not helping now!! Writting here helps a bit, but I know tomorrow will be hell as I don't have anything planned. I'm trying to do some studying, but my mind's just not in it at the moment. At least Monday to Friday I'll be at work all day to keep be vaugly busy.

Life really can be so hard sometimes :weep: