Rey
09-08-17, 21:46
Hello,
INTRO:
I have a feeling it will be a long post and probably only a few (if any) will read. I shouldn't assume things, that's what my CBT therapist told me and here I am doing it again. :yesyes: At least I managed to catch this error in thinking. Ok, now I'm gonna really tell my story.
HISTORY:
I know I'm a hypochondriac and recently have been diagnosed with GAD and health anxiety disorder by two different psychiatrists, so it's official. Even I accept this diagnosis and believe in it. My personal history with self-diagnosis is long but episodic, but I recently hit rock bottom with it. I'm not the guy who visits the doctors frequently and never have been. I never had a truly life threatening nor have lost anyone dear to any terminal disease (*once, but I'll get to it).
A few years ago, I convinced myself that I had throat cancer and went for a check-up. Everything came back normal, even though I was terrified and sure I had it, and after a while I dropped it. Last summer, I became sure I had HIV (even though there was a slim, slim chance..). Got tested and I'm clean. Well, it too passed after a week of cool down time.
PRESENT ISSUE:
This summer (yes, I see the pattern) something started, something that doesn't seem to end. In late April, something happened between my parents (which really scarred me) and I had to drive home to lend a hand to my mom. After only a week or so, a personal tragedy struck. I was 'summoned' to my parent`s home urgently. My lovely, 15 year old, best friend in the whole wide world was seriously ill (my dog). Had to take care of him for a few days and finally dive him in town to get him killed (I feel guilty, doc said I took him to be euthanized and shouldn't say I killed him.). Needless to say and impossible to explain, but I was shattered.
I buried him and after two days I got back to my future wife, in another town.
THE SYMPTOMS AND ANXIETY ATTACKS START HERE:
Only a few days after arriving home, my right triceps started to twitch one night. I thought it normal and didn't mind it at first because sleeping on my arm helped. 48 hours later, I was in a pharmacy looking for some Calcium tablets, aware that a calcium deficiency (and magnesium) can cause these twitches.
Took the first two pills and something went wrong. I started getting twitches all over my body. Legs, arms, you name it. I checked online and only read that it happens sometimes and that it may pass in a week. I kept myself in check and waited out a week. No changes. Waited two weeks. No changes. Panic crept in and I immediately made an appointment to a GP at a private clinic. The GP did a check out and told me that there were some possible causes and gave me a big set of blood tests to look for Potasium, Calcium, Magnesium deficits, but also told me to go see a neurologist.
Meanwhile, I looked up the symptoms online.. and what do you know.. BAD MOVE. I came across articles, containing my symptoms.. and giving a probability that it may be either MS, Lyme (I think) or... ALS. The latter I researched, only for a bit.. and I was dead inside. Now, just typing those initials.. gives me a gut burning sensation and a wave of emotions of dread.
I went to the neurologist, almost certain I had ALS. She did a check-up and then we talked. I told her about it.. and she replied "When I saw your referral with the muscle spasms.. I initially though ot ALS. But after checking you up, and finding out you're only 29 years old, I ruled it out. Your symptoms do not match. Only a few.. but not all and you should present others too." It reassured me, but only a bit.. and I was still left on a quest to find what's wrong with me. The neurologist told me that she wants me to do another set of blood tests.. for some muscle enzymes and for Vitamin D.. and also told me that I should get an xray for my cervical zone as that may be the cause too. I didn't accept this, because I was already drowned in fear of ALS, and pushed on the subject. She repeatedly said that "in her expert opinion, I don't show signs of having the terrible disease".. but I pushed on asking "what can I do to be 100% certain. Surely there are tests out there to rule it out completely" - I said. She then told me about an EMG test (don't know what the English name is, but it involves sticking needles in my muscles and looking for big electric signals. Those are present if you have ALS).. and I asked to do it, even if it's painful.
She told me to wait for the blood test, do the EMG (which she said she wouldn't need, because she already knows that I don't have ALS) if I want, and the Xray.. and then make an appointment when I have the results.
So I did. I did the blood tests, the xrays and the EMG. The EMG has instant results, and they came back showing some slight increases in the electric signals. I immediately burst in tears, shaking.. asking if I had ALS. The doc wasn't very talkative.. but she finally said it's not ALS, it may be something from my spine. I asked again, "can you rule out ALS", she said "yes".
When I got out, I was shaking.. and somehow more certain than ever that I had ALS. My fiance hardly holding me in a steady position. I called the neurologist and told her the EMG results are in and it's not good. She told me to come in without an appointment to see the results. I went to her and she looked over the results saying again, It's not ALS, the results should show huge electric impulses.. not weak, just over the limit .. like mine. I asked her, "seeing these results, can you guarantee I don't have it? Can you tell me, 100% sure.. I don't have it?" .. then she said something like "no, I can't guarantee you won't develop it, you're too young, you don't show all symptoms, the EMG results doesn't show it, the initial check-up doesn't show it. But you can't ask me to give you an 100% guarantee". The last part, shook me up. It didn't matter what she said before.. I was convinced she wasn't too sure I didn't have it. Then she told me that she talked about my symptoms and my case with an older colleague, a huge local name in neurology and he said he didn't believe I had it either. I also told her that I developed a form of photophobia.. and she told me that an MRI can rule any vison-related neurological issues.. but again she wouldn't recommend wasting A LOT of money for an MRI.
I still wasn't sure.. I kept spiraling down.. with endless panic attacks and over the chart anxiety levels (I didn't know it at this time, so I thought they were symptoms of ALS).
Alongside my family, I decided to do the MRI, thinking it will clear out any doubts. I made an appointment for a Sunday. It was Friday. Driving home.. my lovely fiancee called all the neurologists she could find on Google asking for a urgent visit. I was in a bad place. Shaking, crying, scared.. numb.. with muscle twitches.. everything was growing darker and darker. We went to the hospital fast as they were about to close.. waited our turn in the hallway, waited for a while and when it was my turn, the (stupid) doctor wouldn't see me. He said he doesn't know much and sh*t like that, that there are some other, better equipped hospitals that can look at me, that I don't have to waste money for a consultation, that there doesn't seem to be something wrong with me. My fiance basically shoved the EMG results into his hands, telling him "He thinks he has ALS, he did the EMG.. what do you think.. tell us at least this". He said the results don't look that bad, he didn't believe that I had ALS and told me to go somewhere better equipped again.. and shut the door.
I drove home.. I was in bad, very bad shape. My muscles were not only twitching.. but they were burning. After crying, things got a bit better. I phoned home and started talking to my family. Again, slowly.. anxiety, panic struck. I was unable to lift up my right hand. It seemed to get slower and slower.. to the point where I felt it paralyzed. I thought it was the end.. I felt it was the end, I KNEW IT WAS THE END. I couldn't breathe, barely talked.. my mom told me to call an ambo. I did it myself.. I even walked myself (with the help of my fiance) to the nearest crossroad. The ambulance came... and took me in, strapped me to machines. The woman on the ambo asked me what's wrong. I replied, almost muttering.. I'm dying.. I have ALS. She asked me more questions about my hand.. which I could move.. but barely. They took me to the Emergency Neurology Hospital. I laid there for a while, they knew what was happening. I didn't calm down.. every little twitch scared, startled me. They took some blood and gave me a perfusion (nutrients basically) until the neurologist came.
When he arrived, he asked my fiancee why am I there, looked over every result I had up to that point.. came to check me up. He asked me what was wrong.. "I have ALS.. ".. he then asked "how do you know?". My heart started pounding.. I could barely breathe. I tried to shout "I have ALS.. I can't breathe." .. he said nothing. Again, breathing heavily.. I barely said "I cannot breathe, help me".. he looked at the oxygen indicator, than looked at me "you're breathing just fine, don't worry. If you truly can't breathe, I have respiratory help right here, but you don't need it. Now tell me, why do you have ALS? You came here with a paralyzed limb..". Then I said "I have it, my muscles twitch.. I'm dying". The doc then smiled and said "you shouldn't have a paralyzed arm if you have ALS. It should be jerking at least and you aren't dying.. you can't die this fast from it.. and you cannot develop all these symptoms over night.". Feeling my arm getting better.. my breathing normalizing..my heart rate getting better.. and feeling very, very stupid for being there.. I told him my story.. in short.. then asked him.. "can you really say that I don't have ALS?!" .. he surprized me and told me.. "boy, I can give you that in writing. Right here and now.".
What had happened didn't fully compute in my mind.. I was still dying (from something..) I was 101% sure that I wasn't getting out of there. I even messaged my family.. telling them that I loved them.. that I am sorry I had to go so soon.. and so on (crying now). They gave me some Diazepam, let my fiance in to see me. I told her that I love her too.. and again that I'm sorry and all the other stuff. I was shattered, in pieces.. and I finally closed my eyes thinking about what my tomb will say.. how this will destroy what's left of my family.. my sister.. my mom and maybe even my dad.
But the in a few hours I was awake, tired.. but feeling better. Seeing my fiance, seeing the sun.. I was better.. a bit. I didn't die.
The doc came and told me not to leave, wait for another ambulance and handed me a paper for a psych eval.. but took the time to tell me "You need to see someone, you need to see a psychiatrist, BUT YOU'RE NOT INSANE. GET IT?" and left.
After a while, the ambo came. I got in.. and the woman strapped me to the seat. I asked her, where are we going.. and she replied with a name, well known to me. The name of amental asylum. I was not aware that they had an emergency wing and it was protocol. My arm started to paralyze again.. everything got surreal. I was now a nut-case, I was going to be institutionalized.. I will die in an asylum. Called my fiance.. (I thought she wasn't real and I invented her. Some "A beautiful mind" s*it was going on in my head then). She answered fast.. told me it was okay, I'll be fine.
We got there.. and I went in to see a psychiatrist. I barely remember what transpired there, but I know I was trying to act normal.. not to get locked up. She gave me Anxiar (anxiety pills) sleeping pills and told me to go to CBT. I was happy, refreshed that I didn't get locked up. Looked at the paper she gave me and it was then when I first saw Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
The 'darkest hour' passed. I took the anxiety pill, my mom came to take care of me too.. I had sleeping pills! I haven't been sleeping for two weeks. Just a few hours or minutes.. then waking up in dread and panic.
The next day, I went to my MRI appointment. I didn't just get a cervical MRI, I got a lumbar and a cranial scan too! Stood there for almost 2 hours, got out.. went for a snack with my fiance and my mom.. and they phoned me. The readings were in. Got in again and had a talk with the doctor. She said "Go live your life, you're fine. Everything is fine except for an sore throat. But you're fine.".
I almost kissed her on the cheek. I was happy. I was free for the first time in weeks.
The next day, the last of the blood tests came back. The muscle enzymes were fine but the Vitamin D levels showed deficiency (10.7 and the limit was 30 for optimal). I went to the first neurologist with everything. I told her what had happened in the past week.. she looked over the results and she told me they show nothing related to a terminal disease. The Vitamin D deficiency could be the culprit for my muscle twitching and gave me a prescription of Vitamin D plus calcium. I was pleased for the moment and accepted the probable diagnosis.
MY SUCCESS STORY:
This is only about a month back. I took the anxiety pills, sleeping pills and the Vitamin D pill. It was hellish.. full-blown anxiety settled in. At least now I know what I had and how to start fighting it. Went to CBT.. where I talked about what had happened, my dread of ALS. In between sessions she discussed my case with a neurologist friend.. and again.. he said "I don't see clear signs of ALS. Those are benign twitches.". After only three sessions (three weeks) the CBT therapist told me I was on the right way, I am smart and very (maybe too) intuitive and she thinks we should stop and see how it works. I managed to kick of the anxiety pills and the sleeping pills and gradually pull myself together. The small twitches (which according to my CBT therapist could be caused or at least aggravated by my anxiety disorder) reduced in frequency and intensity. I went on my summer vacation at my parent`s house and continued feeling better, with just a bit of fear of ALS.. mostly accepting it's a vitamin deficiency and anxiety causing my benign twitches. All.. until one week ago.
THE RELAPSE:
Big European game day for my favorite team! Woke up in a blistering heat (a huge heatwave hit Europe).. but went online to check out the news about the game. Landed on an article about how the opposing side still pays "a former player who suffers for a terrifying disease and may die at any time" (direct quote from the article). I thought, how nice of them. Read on.. and froze. Everything went crumbling down. He is 35 years old and.. what are the chances.. he is suffering from ALS. Combined with some lack of sleep, with the extreme heat.. it started again. The endless twitching came back.. anxiety too.. and it brought the ALS related thoughts back into my mind's spotlight. Since then, I've been struggling. Not like before, since I'm aware of my anxiety issues and all it brings. Two days ago, I looked up online muscle twitching again, but added minerals to the search because I heard it could be cause too. Somehow, I got to a page where it described muscle jerks and involuntary movements as signs of.. you know it by now (if anyone's reading at this point).. ALS. Since, I've started to check myself and noticing slight movements of my fingers. Not frequent, not big movements.. I could even say NORMAL.. but currently, every time they happen and every time I feel a muscle twitch happens (they came back almost like before) my stomach lurches, and it throws me into a panic. Now I'm not even sure that my hands, fingers.. are moving involuntarily.. I can't seem to figure it out and the dread of ALS is coming back.. slowly. I'm trying to be a champ and fight it.. I hope I can.. I just don't know what's real or what's in my head right now. I don't know if I'm making it up.. or if it's really happening.
CONCLUSION AND QUESTION:
I know I am a hypochondriac, I know. I know that there's a high probability of me just obsessing again over it.. I know the logic.. I just can't seem to stop. I don't want this, I don't want ALS, I don't want fear, I want to be normal!
My question is.. if I had this experience, if there are about 5 neurologists that don't think I have ALS, if I have all this proof, if I actually felt better and my condition improved (if I had ALS it shouldn't), if I don't show all the "necessary" symptoms.. why, for God`s sake I'm still in this pit and sometimes feeling sure I have ALS?! Where does my logic go in those moments?!
INTRO:
I have a feeling it will be a long post and probably only a few (if any) will read. I shouldn't assume things, that's what my CBT therapist told me and here I am doing it again. :yesyes: At least I managed to catch this error in thinking. Ok, now I'm gonna really tell my story.
HISTORY:
I know I'm a hypochondriac and recently have been diagnosed with GAD and health anxiety disorder by two different psychiatrists, so it's official. Even I accept this diagnosis and believe in it. My personal history with self-diagnosis is long but episodic, but I recently hit rock bottom with it. I'm not the guy who visits the doctors frequently and never have been. I never had a truly life threatening nor have lost anyone dear to any terminal disease (*once, but I'll get to it).
A few years ago, I convinced myself that I had throat cancer and went for a check-up. Everything came back normal, even though I was terrified and sure I had it, and after a while I dropped it. Last summer, I became sure I had HIV (even though there was a slim, slim chance..). Got tested and I'm clean. Well, it too passed after a week of cool down time.
PRESENT ISSUE:
This summer (yes, I see the pattern) something started, something that doesn't seem to end. In late April, something happened between my parents (which really scarred me) and I had to drive home to lend a hand to my mom. After only a week or so, a personal tragedy struck. I was 'summoned' to my parent`s home urgently. My lovely, 15 year old, best friend in the whole wide world was seriously ill (my dog). Had to take care of him for a few days and finally dive him in town to get him killed (I feel guilty, doc said I took him to be euthanized and shouldn't say I killed him.). Needless to say and impossible to explain, but I was shattered.
I buried him and after two days I got back to my future wife, in another town.
THE SYMPTOMS AND ANXIETY ATTACKS START HERE:
Only a few days after arriving home, my right triceps started to twitch one night. I thought it normal and didn't mind it at first because sleeping on my arm helped. 48 hours later, I was in a pharmacy looking for some Calcium tablets, aware that a calcium deficiency (and magnesium) can cause these twitches.
Took the first two pills and something went wrong. I started getting twitches all over my body. Legs, arms, you name it. I checked online and only read that it happens sometimes and that it may pass in a week. I kept myself in check and waited out a week. No changes. Waited two weeks. No changes. Panic crept in and I immediately made an appointment to a GP at a private clinic. The GP did a check out and told me that there were some possible causes and gave me a big set of blood tests to look for Potasium, Calcium, Magnesium deficits, but also told me to go see a neurologist.
Meanwhile, I looked up the symptoms online.. and what do you know.. BAD MOVE. I came across articles, containing my symptoms.. and giving a probability that it may be either MS, Lyme (I think) or... ALS. The latter I researched, only for a bit.. and I was dead inside. Now, just typing those initials.. gives me a gut burning sensation and a wave of emotions of dread.
I went to the neurologist, almost certain I had ALS. She did a check-up and then we talked. I told her about it.. and she replied "When I saw your referral with the muscle spasms.. I initially though ot ALS. But after checking you up, and finding out you're only 29 years old, I ruled it out. Your symptoms do not match. Only a few.. but not all and you should present others too." It reassured me, but only a bit.. and I was still left on a quest to find what's wrong with me. The neurologist told me that she wants me to do another set of blood tests.. for some muscle enzymes and for Vitamin D.. and also told me that I should get an xray for my cervical zone as that may be the cause too. I didn't accept this, because I was already drowned in fear of ALS, and pushed on the subject. She repeatedly said that "in her expert opinion, I don't show signs of having the terrible disease".. but I pushed on asking "what can I do to be 100% certain. Surely there are tests out there to rule it out completely" - I said. She then told me about an EMG test (don't know what the English name is, but it involves sticking needles in my muscles and looking for big electric signals. Those are present if you have ALS).. and I asked to do it, even if it's painful.
She told me to wait for the blood test, do the EMG (which she said she wouldn't need, because she already knows that I don't have ALS) if I want, and the Xray.. and then make an appointment when I have the results.
So I did. I did the blood tests, the xrays and the EMG. The EMG has instant results, and they came back showing some slight increases in the electric signals. I immediately burst in tears, shaking.. asking if I had ALS. The doc wasn't very talkative.. but she finally said it's not ALS, it may be something from my spine. I asked again, "can you rule out ALS", she said "yes".
When I got out, I was shaking.. and somehow more certain than ever that I had ALS. My fiance hardly holding me in a steady position. I called the neurologist and told her the EMG results are in and it's not good. She told me to come in without an appointment to see the results. I went to her and she looked over the results saying again, It's not ALS, the results should show huge electric impulses.. not weak, just over the limit .. like mine. I asked her, "seeing these results, can you guarantee I don't have it? Can you tell me, 100% sure.. I don't have it?" .. then she said something like "no, I can't guarantee you won't develop it, you're too young, you don't show all symptoms, the EMG results doesn't show it, the initial check-up doesn't show it. But you can't ask me to give you an 100% guarantee". The last part, shook me up. It didn't matter what she said before.. I was convinced she wasn't too sure I didn't have it. Then she told me that she talked about my symptoms and my case with an older colleague, a huge local name in neurology and he said he didn't believe I had it either. I also told her that I developed a form of photophobia.. and she told me that an MRI can rule any vison-related neurological issues.. but again she wouldn't recommend wasting A LOT of money for an MRI.
I still wasn't sure.. I kept spiraling down.. with endless panic attacks and over the chart anxiety levels (I didn't know it at this time, so I thought they were symptoms of ALS).
Alongside my family, I decided to do the MRI, thinking it will clear out any doubts. I made an appointment for a Sunday. It was Friday. Driving home.. my lovely fiancee called all the neurologists she could find on Google asking for a urgent visit. I was in a bad place. Shaking, crying, scared.. numb.. with muscle twitches.. everything was growing darker and darker. We went to the hospital fast as they were about to close.. waited our turn in the hallway, waited for a while and when it was my turn, the (stupid) doctor wouldn't see me. He said he doesn't know much and sh*t like that, that there are some other, better equipped hospitals that can look at me, that I don't have to waste money for a consultation, that there doesn't seem to be something wrong with me. My fiance basically shoved the EMG results into his hands, telling him "He thinks he has ALS, he did the EMG.. what do you think.. tell us at least this". He said the results don't look that bad, he didn't believe that I had ALS and told me to go somewhere better equipped again.. and shut the door.
I drove home.. I was in bad, very bad shape. My muscles were not only twitching.. but they were burning. After crying, things got a bit better. I phoned home and started talking to my family. Again, slowly.. anxiety, panic struck. I was unable to lift up my right hand. It seemed to get slower and slower.. to the point where I felt it paralyzed. I thought it was the end.. I felt it was the end, I KNEW IT WAS THE END. I couldn't breathe, barely talked.. my mom told me to call an ambo. I did it myself.. I even walked myself (with the help of my fiance) to the nearest crossroad. The ambulance came... and took me in, strapped me to machines. The woman on the ambo asked me what's wrong. I replied, almost muttering.. I'm dying.. I have ALS. She asked me more questions about my hand.. which I could move.. but barely. They took me to the Emergency Neurology Hospital. I laid there for a while, they knew what was happening. I didn't calm down.. every little twitch scared, startled me. They took some blood and gave me a perfusion (nutrients basically) until the neurologist came.
When he arrived, he asked my fiancee why am I there, looked over every result I had up to that point.. came to check me up. He asked me what was wrong.. "I have ALS.. ".. he then asked "how do you know?". My heart started pounding.. I could barely breathe. I tried to shout "I have ALS.. I can't breathe." .. he said nothing. Again, breathing heavily.. I barely said "I cannot breathe, help me".. he looked at the oxygen indicator, than looked at me "you're breathing just fine, don't worry. If you truly can't breathe, I have respiratory help right here, but you don't need it. Now tell me, why do you have ALS? You came here with a paralyzed limb..". Then I said "I have it, my muscles twitch.. I'm dying". The doc then smiled and said "you shouldn't have a paralyzed arm if you have ALS. It should be jerking at least and you aren't dying.. you can't die this fast from it.. and you cannot develop all these symptoms over night.". Feeling my arm getting better.. my breathing normalizing..my heart rate getting better.. and feeling very, very stupid for being there.. I told him my story.. in short.. then asked him.. "can you really say that I don't have ALS?!" .. he surprized me and told me.. "boy, I can give you that in writing. Right here and now.".
What had happened didn't fully compute in my mind.. I was still dying (from something..) I was 101% sure that I wasn't getting out of there. I even messaged my family.. telling them that I loved them.. that I am sorry I had to go so soon.. and so on (crying now). They gave me some Diazepam, let my fiance in to see me. I told her that I love her too.. and again that I'm sorry and all the other stuff. I was shattered, in pieces.. and I finally closed my eyes thinking about what my tomb will say.. how this will destroy what's left of my family.. my sister.. my mom and maybe even my dad.
But the in a few hours I was awake, tired.. but feeling better. Seeing my fiance, seeing the sun.. I was better.. a bit. I didn't die.
The doc came and told me not to leave, wait for another ambulance and handed me a paper for a psych eval.. but took the time to tell me "You need to see someone, you need to see a psychiatrist, BUT YOU'RE NOT INSANE. GET IT?" and left.
After a while, the ambo came. I got in.. and the woman strapped me to the seat. I asked her, where are we going.. and she replied with a name, well known to me. The name of amental asylum. I was not aware that they had an emergency wing and it was protocol. My arm started to paralyze again.. everything got surreal. I was now a nut-case, I was going to be institutionalized.. I will die in an asylum. Called my fiance.. (I thought she wasn't real and I invented her. Some "A beautiful mind" s*it was going on in my head then). She answered fast.. told me it was okay, I'll be fine.
We got there.. and I went in to see a psychiatrist. I barely remember what transpired there, but I know I was trying to act normal.. not to get locked up. She gave me Anxiar (anxiety pills) sleeping pills and told me to go to CBT. I was happy, refreshed that I didn't get locked up. Looked at the paper she gave me and it was then when I first saw Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
The 'darkest hour' passed. I took the anxiety pill, my mom came to take care of me too.. I had sleeping pills! I haven't been sleeping for two weeks. Just a few hours or minutes.. then waking up in dread and panic.
The next day, I went to my MRI appointment. I didn't just get a cervical MRI, I got a lumbar and a cranial scan too! Stood there for almost 2 hours, got out.. went for a snack with my fiance and my mom.. and they phoned me. The readings were in. Got in again and had a talk with the doctor. She said "Go live your life, you're fine. Everything is fine except for an sore throat. But you're fine.".
I almost kissed her on the cheek. I was happy. I was free for the first time in weeks.
The next day, the last of the blood tests came back. The muscle enzymes were fine but the Vitamin D levels showed deficiency (10.7 and the limit was 30 for optimal). I went to the first neurologist with everything. I told her what had happened in the past week.. she looked over the results and she told me they show nothing related to a terminal disease. The Vitamin D deficiency could be the culprit for my muscle twitching and gave me a prescription of Vitamin D plus calcium. I was pleased for the moment and accepted the probable diagnosis.
MY SUCCESS STORY:
This is only about a month back. I took the anxiety pills, sleeping pills and the Vitamin D pill. It was hellish.. full-blown anxiety settled in. At least now I know what I had and how to start fighting it. Went to CBT.. where I talked about what had happened, my dread of ALS. In between sessions she discussed my case with a neurologist friend.. and again.. he said "I don't see clear signs of ALS. Those are benign twitches.". After only three sessions (three weeks) the CBT therapist told me I was on the right way, I am smart and very (maybe too) intuitive and she thinks we should stop and see how it works. I managed to kick of the anxiety pills and the sleeping pills and gradually pull myself together. The small twitches (which according to my CBT therapist could be caused or at least aggravated by my anxiety disorder) reduced in frequency and intensity. I went on my summer vacation at my parent`s house and continued feeling better, with just a bit of fear of ALS.. mostly accepting it's a vitamin deficiency and anxiety causing my benign twitches. All.. until one week ago.
THE RELAPSE:
Big European game day for my favorite team! Woke up in a blistering heat (a huge heatwave hit Europe).. but went online to check out the news about the game. Landed on an article about how the opposing side still pays "a former player who suffers for a terrifying disease and may die at any time" (direct quote from the article). I thought, how nice of them. Read on.. and froze. Everything went crumbling down. He is 35 years old and.. what are the chances.. he is suffering from ALS. Combined with some lack of sleep, with the extreme heat.. it started again. The endless twitching came back.. anxiety too.. and it brought the ALS related thoughts back into my mind's spotlight. Since then, I've been struggling. Not like before, since I'm aware of my anxiety issues and all it brings. Two days ago, I looked up online muscle twitching again, but added minerals to the search because I heard it could be cause too. Somehow, I got to a page where it described muscle jerks and involuntary movements as signs of.. you know it by now (if anyone's reading at this point).. ALS. Since, I've started to check myself and noticing slight movements of my fingers. Not frequent, not big movements.. I could even say NORMAL.. but currently, every time they happen and every time I feel a muscle twitch happens (they came back almost like before) my stomach lurches, and it throws me into a panic. Now I'm not even sure that my hands, fingers.. are moving involuntarily.. I can't seem to figure it out and the dread of ALS is coming back.. slowly. I'm trying to be a champ and fight it.. I hope I can.. I just don't know what's real or what's in my head right now. I don't know if I'm making it up.. or if it's really happening.
CONCLUSION AND QUESTION:
I know I am a hypochondriac, I know. I know that there's a high probability of me just obsessing again over it.. I know the logic.. I just can't seem to stop. I don't want this, I don't want ALS, I don't want fear, I want to be normal!
My question is.. if I had this experience, if there are about 5 neurologists that don't think I have ALS, if I have all this proof, if I actually felt better and my condition improved (if I had ALS it shouldn't), if I don't show all the "necessary" symptoms.. why, for God`s sake I'm still in this pit and sometimes feeling sure I have ALS?! Where does my logic go in those moments?!