inkblackc
10-08-17, 23:05
*VERY SENSITIVE SEXUAL CONTENT AHEAD*
One of the scariest manifestations I've ever had of OCD is this fear of being a pedophile. To be blunt with you, it is scary as hell to me. Probably because I think it's one of the most disturbing ideas in the world.
I'm 31 years old - I started having this obsession when I was maybe around 18 or 19 and then for a few years, I wasn't as bothered by it but it's come back recently. The thing that scares me the most is the groinal response that happens sometimes in these situations. I've only ever dated adult women. When I used to look at porn or pictures of models, they were only ever adult women. I once had an inappropriate crush on someone when I was maybe 19 and a girl I knew was 14 or 15. Never acted on it. So, I don't know exactly where this is coming from.
Often, I will see a face of a young person and immediately have this feeling that almost feels like an orgasm. It comes on suddenly and then I will sit there and look at the person or the image of whatever I saw and try to determine if I really did find that person attractive. Happens with people from age 5 to 17. It's not discerning in that way. It freaks me out and makes me depressed and then the cycle repeats again.
Twice I've been in a situation where I'll be triggered by a certain face or image or something and then my mind will kind of dwell in that sexual zone for a while (sometimes over the course of an hour or so) and I get worked up to a point where my body wants to just explode. I remember having the thought "could I be turned on by just the thought of children in general?" and then I suddenly became overwhelmed with a weird sexual energy for 45 minutes or so. Twice this has resulted in me actually ejaculating without wanting to. Was I just worked up or genuinely turned on by what I'd seen earlier? I'm so scared right now. The fact that the ejaculation happened is freaking me out so much.
Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.
One of the scariest manifestations I've ever had of OCD is this fear of being a pedophile. To be blunt with you, it is scary as hell to me. Probably because I think it's one of the most disturbing ideas in the world.
I'm 31 years old - I started having this obsession when I was maybe around 18 or 19 and then for a few years, I wasn't as bothered by it but it's come back recently. The thing that scares me the most is the groinal response that happens sometimes in these situations. I've only ever dated adult women. When I used to look at porn or pictures of models, they were only ever adult women. I once had an inappropriate crush on someone when I was maybe 19 and a girl I knew was 14 or 15. Never acted on it. So, I don't know exactly where this is coming from.
Often, I will see a face of a young person and immediately have this feeling that almost feels like an orgasm. It comes on suddenly and then I will sit there and look at the person or the image of whatever I saw and try to determine if I really did find that person attractive. Happens with people from age 5 to 17. It's not discerning in that way. It freaks me out and makes me depressed and then the cycle repeats again.
Twice I've been in a situation where I'll be triggered by a certain face or image or something and then my mind will kind of dwell in that sexual zone for a while (sometimes over the course of an hour or so) and I get worked up to a point where my body wants to just explode. I remember having the thought "could I be turned on by just the thought of children in general?" and then I suddenly became overwhelmed with a weird sexual energy for 45 minutes or so. Twice this has resulted in me actually ejaculating without wanting to. Was I just worked up or genuinely turned on by what I'd seen earlier? I'm so scared right now. The fact that the ejaculation happened is freaking me out so much.
Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.