Suicidal Thoughts

[Caribou93]

Oh, I honestly don't know why I even bother anymore. You know the old saying someone always has it worse, I find that very hard to believe.

I have had health anxiety nearly my entire life - as far back as I can remember - panicking about that 24/7. I have had major social anxiety since I started 6th grade, and now it's turned me into someone who literally hates every single person I come into contact with. I am constantly stressed about school and all of the debt I have been accruing over the last 3 years and it continues to get larger. I had someone steal my credit card number, so that will literally haunt me the rest of my life, constantly worrying about something else going wrong or someone else destroying my life. I have a dysfunctional and horrible family. My father constantly belittled me when I was growing up, my brother tortured me relentlessly with constant name calling and excessive mental bullying. My sisters were no better either, and they would also always just gang up on me, but when I wanted help, I was always just being dramatic, and my siblings were somehow the victims.

Then I would go to school and have to hear it there too. For some reason, almost every single person found joy in making me feel awful. I cannot tell you how many times I just wanted to throw in the towel in high school because of it - people not only didn't like me - they absolutely hated me. People thought I was gay and they would just hammer me with jokes and ridicule. I would go home nearly everyday after school and just cry because I didn't know why they liked making me feel this way. I am constantly worrying about my health, I'm overwhelmed with school, I worry about someone using my card again or something else, and combine all of that with my 24/7 panicking, and it is just too much for me anymore.

I have the mentality of saying "just go one more day, who knows, maybe you'll be better tomorrow." I have been saying that for almost 10 years now and it isn't any better. I seriously wish I didn't feel this way, and I'm just tired of it all. Sorry for the long post, I just needed to say all of this.

[Benjammin69]

Oh, I honestly don't know why I even bother anymore. You know the old saying someone always has it worse, I find that very hard to believe.



I have had health anxiety nearly my entire life - as far back as I can remember - panicking about that 24/7. I have had major social anxiety since I started 6th grade, and now it's turned me into someone who literally hates every single person I come into contact with. I am constantly stressed about school and all of the debt I have been accruing over the last 3 years and it continues to get larger. I had someone steal my credit card number, so that will literally haunt me the rest of my life, constantly worrying about something else going wrong or someone else destroying my life. I have a dysfunctional and horrible family. My father constantly belittled me when I was growing up, my brother tortured me relentlessly with constant name calling and excessive mental bullying. My sisters were no better either, and they would also always just gang up on me, but when I wanted help, I was always just being dramatic, and my siblings were somehow the victims.



Then I would go to school and have to hear it there too. For some reason, almost every single person found joy in making me feel awful. I cannot tell you how many times I just wanted to throw in the towel in high school because of it - people not only didn't like me - they absolutely hated me. People thought I was gay and they would just hammer me with jokes and ridicule. I would go home nearly everyday after school and just cry because I didn't know why they liked making me feel this way. I am constantly worrying about my health, I'm overwhelmed with school, I worry about someone using my card again or something else, and combine all of that with my 24/7 panicking, and it is just too much for me anymore.



I have the mentality of saying "just go one more day, who knows, maybe you'll be better tomorrow." I have been saying that for almost 10 years now and it isn't any better. I seriously wish I didn't feel this way, and I'm just tired of it all. Sorry for the long post, I just needed to say all of this.



Hi, I'm really saddened by your history and how you have been treated . If you haven't already done it I think the best thing for you would be to have some sort of therapy or counselling.. the reason you sent a long post is you have so many deep 'issues' that you need to clear out and work through and a therapist can help guide you through this. In terms of your credit card - I work in a bank it is very very common unfortunately - I've had it happen to me loads . You get the money back and just be careful where you use it or leave it lying around. Next thing suicidal thoughts... I've had them many times and some serious dark thoughts - what the psychiatrist said to me was there is a strong difference between suicidal thoughts and suicidal actions. Are these thoughts just thoughts or plans? Have you spoke to a doctor about those?


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[Caribou93]

Thank you very much for responding.

I never really find the need to go to a therapist because there is one person that no matter what, they can always make me feel better. They act like a therapist practically - they ask me questions, look at all options, etc. It's like she is a therapist honestly and I feel very comfortable talking to her. However, not even that is helping anymore because all of this has been going on for such a long time.

As for the suicidal thoughts, I honestly would/will think "ok, I could do it this way, or I could just do it this way instead, etc." But, I always tell myself, "it's not worth it, don't let it win." Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be working very well anymore. And the part that upsets me the most I would say is the people who did me wrong - and there's A LOT of them - they all have seemed to forget as if anything wrong was done. They act like we're friends or something which hurts. They don't know what they have permanently done to me, and they will never know what it feels like to be this way.

One thing I will say is that despite everything that has happened to me, I feel that what goes around comes around. There's been some people who have treated me quite viscously and something bad has happened to them. Be it a bully who lost a parent, or a different bully who was injured in a car accident. I don't know if that makes me a bad person, but it brings me some sort of comfort because I feel they deserve that type of pain. Is that a normal feeling?

[rose1234]

Oh, I honestly don't know why I even bother anymore. You know the old saying someone always has it worse, I find that very hard to believe.

I have had health anxiety nearly my entire life - as far back as I can remember - panicking about that 24/7. I have had major social anxiety since I started 6th grade, and now it's turned me into someone who literally hates every single person I come into contact with. I am constantly stressed about school and all of the debt I have been accruing over the last 3 years and it continues to get larger. I had someone steal my credit card number, so that will literally haunt me the rest of my life, constantly worrying about something else going wrong or someone else destroying my life. I have a dysfunctional and horrible family. My father constantly belittled me when I was growing up, my brother tortured me relentlessly with constant name calling and excessive mental bullying. My sisters were no better either, and they would also always just gang up on me, but when I wanted help, I was always just being dramatic, and my siblings were somehow the victims.

Then I would go to school and have to hear it there too. For some reason, almost every single person found joy in making me feel awful. I cannot tell you how many times I just wanted to throw in the towel in high school because of it - people not only didn't like me - they absolutely hated me. People thought I was gay and they would just hammer me with jokes and ridicule. I would go home nearly everyday after school and just cry because I didn't know why they liked making me feel this way. I am constantly worrying about my health, I'm overwhelmed with school, I worry about someone using my card again or something else, and combine all of that with my 24/7 panicking, and it is just too much for me anymore.

I have the mentality of saying "just go one more day, who knows, maybe you'll be better tomorrow." I have been saying that for almost 10 years now and it isn't any better. I seriously wish I didn't feel this way, and I'm just tired of it all. Sorry for the long post, I just needed to say all of this.

Hi Caribou,

I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way, I too suffer with terrible health anxiety and it's taken over my life, I can only imagine what you're going through with everything on top of that.

I really do reccomend speaking to your doctor and getting some therapy/CBT as I think it really helps. Are you on any medication?

I used to get really badly bullied at school also, to the point I lost a lot of hair and had some dark thoughts. But, it does get better. I know it's so hard to believe it but it really does.
Don't get me wrong, you'll still have days where things are hard and you doubt people because of your previous experiences but things will work out okay in the end.

If you ever need a chat please do feel free to message me, as I'd hate for you to feel alone.

X