Magical thinking...I guess

[Kitmarie]

Hi...I'm new to this but hoping someone will be able to relate or understand. I suffer from anxiety and OCD. I have dealt with "magical thinking" for quite some time. However, recently it has become so much worse. I have the tendency to set things like "if this happens, then that will happen". So for instance, if I think that the next person who will call me is my husband and I'm right, then something terrible will happen to my child. So if by chance he is the next person to call me...I go into a complete panic mode worrying something will happen to my son. I absolutely hate coincidences and somehow relate everything in a negative way. For some reason, the past week has been terrible and I can't shake these overwhelming feelings of I am controlling events and that these "signs" are letting me know something bad is going to happen. I just want to feel okay.

[Charlie1108]

I have phases of this too!

[MyNameIsTerry]

I was the opposite, if I guess the next thing as being X or the next person calling was X then it would mean I'm safe. If not, something bad will happen, often I wouldn't know what this even was.

On my walks I would combine this with my other themes around the route, licence plates on cars, names on labels, numbers on lamp posts, etc. I was doing with the street lights which were coming on & off "if the next one goes off, X bad won't happen".

I think this is something many go through in childhood too. It's like a superpower belief gone wrong!

Logically you can rationalise, dispute with counter evidence or even try Behavioural Experiments to disprove these beliefs. It's not just the challenging the belief that your thoughts can impact on the physical world due to lack of control but also that you can't achieve it even if you want to. A really easy example is trying to think yourself into winning the lottery. You can't. So, neither can you wish harm on someone or cause harm to come to someone through a lack of protecting them from your thoughts through compulsions.

Can you identify your compulsions? Thy can be subtle, mental compulsions.

Whilst it's a less common theme talked about on here, most on the OCD board is about intrusive thoughts, it does crop up inside peoples posts without them realising and combines with other themes. The latter is likely why they don't notice it or put a label to it. For instance, you see HAers on that the HA board worrying about "a sign" of something meaning they are more likely to have a cancer or what they fear.

[Kitmarie]

All of my anxiety and fears revolve around my son dying, specifically cancer. I associate everything to this fear. I absolutely hate the number combination of 512 (in any order). Whenever I see those numbers, I take it as a "sign" that something bad is going to happen. For a long time I wouldn't buy anything that cost $1.25, $5.21, etc. I do feel I have gained a little (maybe I should say tiny) bit of control over that.
I do know (kind of) that I can't control things with my thoughts or rituals. But when the fear kicks in...I give in and start believing that somehow I am in control.
I am so consumed with "signs" and panicking over coincidences.
I have terrible visions of my son laying in a hospital bed, taking his last breath...just writing that brings on extreme anxiety. It truly is my worst fear. I just don't know how to make it stop...therapy and medication has not helped.

[MyNameIsTerry]

That makes sense - the most precious thing in the world to you. Intrusive thoughts aim for our weak spots so it would be interesting if you aso had those. The visions you mention perhaps? Do they just pop into your head out of nowhere?

When anxiety raises, obsessive-compulsive cycles get more intense and harder to resist. Part of dealing with this is reducing overall levels of anxiety so that you don't peak as high anymore which gives you more control over it all.

Do you do any relaxation work? Do you have healthy activities in your life or are you always rushing around with little time for yourself?

Compulsions always reinforce obsessions. They can be very hard to resist though as we feel a strong urge to complete them to reduce anxiety or mitigate against feared outcomes (like in our thinking theme). The result of the mitigation can often just be more frustration though.

Do you do any compulsions like repeating sentences or keywords? Or maybe checking/touching things or redoing thing until they feel "just right"?

[Kitmarie]

Yes...he is definitely the most precious thing in my life. The terrible thoughts I get are sometimes from out of nowhere and at other times are the result of hearing, seeing, reading, etc. something that triggers them such as, a commercial with sick children.
I do have compulsions...touching objects until they feel right, certain movements with my hands, etc. I also have the tendency to not allow myself certain things...for example, I won't buy something I want for myself because I worry it will cause something bad to happen. Or if I do buy something new, I end up not using or wearing it, in fear something bad will happen. I also hate change! For instance, I recently attempted to rearrange furniture in my dining room but as soon as I started I felt such terrible anxiety and panic so I didn't do it. I always associate change with something bad happening. I do believe this started when I was 13yrs old...one summer night my sister and I stayed up really late and tried some new "beauty" routines...I had a great time. During our night of pampering, we heard helicopters flying nearby and thought nothing of it. The next morning my mom woke us up to tell us that one of our friends had been killed in a car accident...the helicopters we had heard were at the accident scene. I can remember immediately thinking that because I had tried some new beauty products, my friend had been killed in the accident. I felt such guilt that I had been having fun at the same time my friend was dying. Since then...every time I ride by the tree their car struck that night, I have to move my hands in a specific motion.
I don't have alot of "me" time. Since my son was born 8yrs ago, I have devoted each minute to him...which I know isn't healthy.
I don't practice any relaxation techniques...and to be honest, I stink at them! My mind is always on overdrive and when I try to take a few mins to "relax" or meditate, I am overwhelmed with thoughts and begin to panic. I enjoy exercising but once again, because it is something I want to do...I usually feel like something bad will happen if I do it.
I want to be strong and not give in to these feelings but I'm so scared.